moods

to say that i have been in a mood is to say that the earth is moving. now to say what type of mood i have been in is to hold your breath to the bottom of the ocean.

i have no idea what is going on in my life right now and other than sitting at my computer right now getting silly you-tube videos from tony and trying to make rebecca smile after her ex decided today he was going to be an ass, well my mood... somber.

right now i do know that i need to get my ass in gear, but for some reason i can't find the stick shift to move it in that direction. all of you thinking dirty thoughts, well join the club and get a room. believe me i thought it and then realized that there came and went another mood.

and in a IM from tony i get this 'sound of sweet depression in a broken wanting heart' and it hits hard. still trying to figure things out. do i take steps forward and begin again forgetting all the good times and locking up the bad ones. moving onto new people and new loves and new things. new isn't all its cracked up to be, the paint fades just as quickly and it is all just as easy to ding up. the reason is that people in general don't know how to communicate. here's a hint, just because you think it, then speak it doesn't mean that it was understood on the other end.

the old is just as inticing in some ways and just as frustrating in others. i am unsure what the next step is in that direction either. there is a path that is laid, sometimes with cement and other times with stone, the times were the path warps it never really recovered or grew smaller and thinner. other times where the path was strong and sturdy, i could wear any type of shoes and not feel that I was going to fall or hurt myself. but in those other spaces, i had to take off my shoes and go barefoot over thorns and spurs. looking back down the path lately, i am carrying my shoes and when they are cute, that is the last thing that i want to do.

with moving forward there is lots of shit to go through, with going back there is lots of shit to go through. either way i feel like i just want to climb into a hole and wait for spring. but in spring there is hayfever, so what is the point in waiting.

the problem is that when you are in anything such as this and those that know me know what i am talking about and others of you, well ask and i will tell but be warned it isn't pretty. well basically you are not making the decision on your own. you think you are but any decision is effecting another person and after that it is a telephone effect. emotions can't help my mood especially not knowing my mood.

well as i sit here wasted and thinking way to much as mr. anchor says, i must pull my head out of my mood and remember. what know to remember, perhaps more later.......

making the best of the shitty holiday season

so being alone sucks, there is no happy ending and during this time of year it is hardest. depending on your emotional strength you are either crying at every step down this path of blissful holiday merriment or you are just having the occasional song, movie or sappy commercial hit you like a ton of bricks.

regardless the season sucks. we are supposed to be happy during this time of merriment right? we are supposed to look forward to stuffing our stomachs at thanksgiving, getting gifts from loved ones at christmas and kissing that special someone as the ball drops on new years. that was the norman rockwell holiday scene that i signed up for, i even paid for the extra insurance to make sure that i got the full experience.

well this year no go, this year i found out that someone that i cared deeply for with every fiber of my being had betrayed me. i fell short of my perfect holiday season and i want my money back, every red cent please, where is the refund check...

don't get me wrong i am making the best of this holiday season with good friends, very good friends. special thanks to and in no particular order - tj, jackie, david, bob, claire, rebecca, chris, demian, tony, paul, rusty and monty. you people have helped me through one time or another this horrible holiday season and i appreciate it - more than you know.

but getting back to surviving through the holidays, it is just that - keep yourself surrounded by friends, people that make you smile. people that want to play pictionary with you or sit in front of the fire with cocoa or even better smoke hookah in the kitchen and drink margaritas. my friends are my stability right now and i wouldn't be surviving at all without them.

if you are short on friends or over the years, as i have, neglected them, give them a call anyways. you would be surprised what happens when a old friend calls you on the phone to say hello. sometimes you are lucky enough that they forgive everything and welcome you into their arms like a best friend of 20 years will, even drive up to disneyland to see you and spend time with you on your birthday. thanks j&d.

friends are what keep us together and keep us sane. when you are having problems with a loved one or a family member they are there to give you hugs and help you though ever little stage. sometimes there advice can be hard to handle and hurt but it is all for your best and if you ever take a relationship over a true friend you should be shot. i am guilty of this crime but then I am also not perfect and know that.

now if you are low on friends - start with people at work, you already have a common ground. don't keep friends that are flaky or wouldn't cover your back when you are willing to cover theirs. dont keep people that have different ethics than you or friends that you would screw their significant other, it happens, believe me. do find people that make you laugh, enjoy life and people that give good hugs and let you cry on their shoulder when you need them. and remember this is coming from a chick and is totally different for boys.

the way to get through anything, including this shitty holiday season is to be happy with yourself. make lemons into more than lemonade and constantly strive for better. life will always get you down, that is why life is hard but if you keep your head up and try as hard as you can then you will be golden. just like those old movies that we all wish our life would follow. you make your life what you want it so get out there and go for it.

happy holidays to all those lonely souls out there and know that life can and will get better, you just have to make it better. you can do it and we are here to help. hugs and kisses to you all, especially those in similar boats....