Certain realizations coming to light

Here I am, laying on the couch alone, watching a movie that I haven’t seen in years. A movie, that really makes no difference the title or the actors but the scene, that caused me to blubber more than I have in a long, long time. The movie has a scene where the husband is in a coma from a stroke and his wife is sitting and touching his hand. She grabs his hand and places it to her face in a familiar touch that shows her love from him. Even though she moves his hand and smiles because it is possibly the last time.

Recently I realized that I was coming to the end of something. The end of something, that took not a year of my life but ten years of my life. I am now 33 years old and I gave up a decade to someone and walked out of it worse for wear and to a point more broken than I was at 19. At 19 I had someone lie to me and cause my body and mental health serious harm. A person that I totally blocked out what he looked like, what he smelled like and even him name. To a point I don’t remember much about my 19 year old accident but my 24 years old mistake, I will never forget this man.

I realize that he has made me worse for wear because I don’t trust. I mean I trust a bit, I trust that someone isn’t gonna lie to me, but apparently if I answered that way on a personality test that would make me gullible. Well, tell me something that I don’t know. People have always known I was gullible, fuck it, I don’t really care. To a point fool me once, etc., etc., etc… blah blah de blah blah!! I can’t change that, I trust what people say. If I didn’t the negativity would take over my mind and make me like my mother. And while I love my mother I don’t wanna be like her. Queen of the Negative but then when you are the only Sagittarius (Dreamer/Optimist) in the family encompassed by Virgos, Scorpios and Capricorns, well you’re fucked, FUCKED I tell you!

But I try to keep my head up, I always have. My family is my family but my friends are worth more to me, especially my brother. Never knew that I would have someone that I connected with so well. And this isn’t a connection that is bombarded by any of that silly LOVE stuff. That silly LOVE stuff confuses more than anything but regardless is the topic that I will get back to in this blog after I finish this tangent. My brother has no blood connection to me, but the mental connection that we have is freaky. We think alike, we calm each other down, we are each other’s cheerleader when we need and more often than not each other’s shrink. Regardless I will be holding this man’s hand when we are in our last breathes because as his children have adopted me, I consider him blood.

My brother is the reason that my dumb ass is still alive. You may laugh and chuckle but truthfully with the SHIT that I dealt with last year and the year before, I am really surprised that I am here. When I was feeling as down in the dirt as I was there was two people that picked me back up. My brother was physically there, taking me out, inviting me along and making me laugh so hard that my sides hurt for days. I couldn’t thank him enough and will be there for him for the rest of our lives. The other was a sister that I still haven’t met, a woman of great strength and unsurpassed wisdom, an old soul. I miss her and really should give her a call soon for I have slacked on my friend duties with her.

Now back to the main reason for this blog. I sit watching this scene, the last in the movie. Explaining the great love between the man and this woman that he has loved since the moment that he saw her and I began to think. Is love at first site still possible at my age? Not that I am in old age, but I am not young either. My ideals have grown and matured in some ways but have been dwarfed in others. Love is a very foreign thing to me. It has been a while since I asked someone to spend the night and see me in all my *cough cough* natural beauty in the morning. It has been longer since I actually cared to do things for someone that weren’t in a bit selfishly motivated. But truthfully I am just absolutely completely scared of the whole thing.

Not that I need to describe love as anything fanciful. I mean it was so much more that when I was young, ideal to a point. But now with the things I have learned and the things that have learned me, love is well….. I don’t know how to describe it. To a point love is like money, when you have it you don’t fully appreciate it – thinking that it will always be there and when you don’t have it - it’s all you think about. Like a lot of other things I am playing on the love teeter-totter. When I decide to go up and perhaps try to think about a person or a relationship or a maybe situation and then its comes back down and I shake my head at the whole stupid silly fanciful goofy funny LOVE thing.

The teeter-totter sucks! Plain and simple, I don’t like playing the game with others let alone with myself. My mind is in a contact ebb and flow with the funny LOVE stuff. I keep asking questions of myself: Am I ready? Has it been long enough? Will I find another like the last? What do I want from a relationship? When is the right timeline? Is there a timeline? What are the rules? Are there rules? Isn’t it better to be myself or am I supposed to follow the rules? And those are just a few of the questions I am asking myself, worse so are the ones that I think about when I actually am getting to know someone….

When you can’t figure yourself out and then you try to get to know someone else the questions get worse, so so much worse. I don’t even want to go through them but the basics are how one shows themselves off. We all try to portray ourselves in the best light. We tell people what we feel comfortable with. I am not yet divorced, technically haven’t even filed but I am close. Stupid state and county guidelines are the only thing holding me back right now. I explain who I am as who I want to be… height, hair color, eye color, style, likes and dislikes, body shape etc, etc, etc.

You get from the other person what they want to tell you. The problem is when the story doesn’t match up or worse when you see the whole thing like a murder mystery. I think personally it is my conspiracy driven over thinking mind. But then I was lied to for the past decade by more people than I can count on my fingers and my toes. Yup, definitely sucks to be me, but truthfully I am getting over it. Gotta just count your blessings that you have what’s left of your mind and can recoup to a mild version of your former self. Hopefully a better version from the worse version that I was but it’s all a process of time and re-evaluation.

And in the re-evaluation process I realize that I really want someone to protect and be protected by, I want that partner, the one that we can make special little gestures to that only you and he know. The one that comes up behind you and before they touch you, you know its them because of their smell, step and sense. I think I may have found one, but more scared than not I tread lightly. I slowly try to interrupt the signs that he gives me and that I give him but the connection is undeniable.

I admit that I look at each situation with a much more defining eye than when I was younger. When I was younger most of us had little baggage, enough to carry on the plane of love; simple, small and very well organized. Nowadays a decade or so later, we can barely carry our baggage with a car let alone a truck. We size people up and figure out if what they are showing is what we like or not, what we can deal with or not and what we can see in our lives for the short, medium and possibly long haul. Each one of us has certain attractions, certain requirements, certain wants and needs, and certain “hell no” circumstances. We have no time to smell the roses let alone truly get to know someone. We do everything online so much so that if it takes more than a second to load a page we are bitching at our keyboards and computer screens.

Life has become so fast paced that we even meet people online. We can have whole conversations with someone in another country and never meet them but we can’t venture out our front doors to meet someone that we wanna have an actual relationship. I know why I do it, online I have control, mild but still control. I found the newest one online or technically he found me. My worry is his own heart, his own mind and his own readiness. After one year of reconfiguring myself after my break-up with my husband and kicking his dumb ass out of my heart let alone my house. I know that will all of the experiences that I went through last year that I ready to actually focus on finding that one, being ready for that one, or as ready as I can be now. I am ready, the question is “is he”?

What is REALLY the next step now?

It’s that “ut oh” feeling that just sucks. The “what the hell did I do” and “can I fix it” that starts swimming through my head. I don’t care what anyone else says but I feel like a little kid. I feel like my hand has just been spanked and somehow that makes me feel scared and stupid all at the same time.

It was different when I was younger. I admit that. The whole thing was different and it seemed so much easier. To a point I had nothing to lose when I was younger. I had NOTHING to lose because I had so much to gain from any situation. But now after one try and monumental failure in my book, I feel like perhaps it isn’t worth the try. Not because the end result it isn’t worth it but because perhaps I am not ready to try.

My monumental failure wasn’t my fault. When you truly don’t know the person you committed yourself to and they do nothing but lie to you, how exactly do you do the right thing? You do the thing you THINK is right based on what you heard them say. And yes I said what “you heard” them say. Life is all about our interpretation of another person’s words. That is what makes the game ‘telephone’ so funny when we are kids but the same is true. I heard him/her say this and the more you repeat it the more it gets distorted. The more warped it becomes and the more emotional some, yes SOME of us get through the entire situation.

I realized this after I had a conversation with my ex the other day. I have realized I have grown past my last relationship. As much as it has damaged me in certain areas of trust and future outlook, I have grown past it. I made a bad decision by pursuing him in a relationship. I made a bad choice for my first husband in more ways than one. I looked at him as forever and he never returned that look. But then I don’t start a relationship saying to myself that this relationship is going to be (fill in the blank). That this relationship is going to last (so long) or will be a (this type of) relationship or that I will (or will not) get bored. I just don’t and if you are a person that does, sorry but SHAME ON YOU.

When I was searching for my partner in life that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted someone that saw me for who I am and wanted me for just that. My attributes and my faults is what make up me. To change or alter any one of them and I lose who I am. And truthfully that is what happened with my last relationship. Looking back, it has been just under two years since I stop wearing my wedding ring. I stopped wearing it because I felt my relationship was over. I cried and I tried to discuss what I was feeling with my spouse, but like every other situation where I was sad or depressed he walked away from me. That created a change to my list.

My list is pretty simple. I don’t care about what someone looks like, how much money someone makes or what they do. Don’t get me wrong, a mild change to any of these can create a more than mild change in your life but truthfully I was looking for a foundation to grow on. A foundation to build on and I needed a sturdy one more than a glamorous house on a shitty foundation. Blame my step-father in construction for the building/house analogies.

My list started out with things like smarts, attraction, wit, sense of humor, outlook on life, family dynamic, sexual attraction and wants in a partner. I realized that certain things were more important than others. I used to ask a guy three questions when I met them at a bar and yes most of them got met at a bar. I would ask three funny questions to them but for me they described a man’s own drive. It was what they did, what they drove and where they lived. You would be surprised what these three things tell about a person.

At the time, I lived on my own with roommates, I worked a decent job and owned a car that got me from point A to point B. I expected that of someone that I dated. I expected that if they were a certain age that they could drive to a date or a weekend away. I expected that they could pay their bills because I paid mine. I expected that they were old enough to not live with their parents any longer. Basically that they were in the process of becoming an adult and life is just that a process. We all partied when we were younger, we all drank a little too much, didn’t remember what we did the night before or woke up somewhere we didn’t remember getting to. We all have and if you haven’t well then you haven’t truly lived and you will be upset with yourself when you are old and gray.

You would think I was happier with the guy that said he owned his place; drove an expensive car and had a fabulous job but actually that scared me. I was nowhere near ready for a man like that when I was in the fundamental stages of becoming me, truly figuring out what I wanted and what I needed for my life to be happy. The guys that I was attracted to were the ones that lived on their own with roommates and drove a decent car and had a decent job.

Guys that were like me and guys that were in the same process that I was. I wanted similarities, things to talk about, things in common but things that were different. I didn’t want them to be exactly like me, I wanted a different outlook on life, a different way to deal with conflicts and a different way to spend time. Then if it worked in time they met the parents. It’s scary how few ever met or spent time with either my parents or family. I think to this day there have only been enough to count on one hand. It’s because my family is the last step in the process and they are the ones that want me most happy.

My friends are the over critical ones, they will rip up and down a new person in my life. My friends know more about my relationship or lack thereof with my ex. My friends are my protectors and know who I am and what I may be overlooking with a potential partner. They are also the ones that I confide in to make sure I don’t screw up. Go too far and hurt someone or worse put myself in harm’s way. My best friends are more like siblings and they know who they are. They truly want me happy and will protect me through thick and thin after what I let myself go through in the past. We have all laughed and cried together, we have talked about what could, may and will happen. Some have been friends for decades and some are relatively new to my life but the care I feel for them is equal to the care they feel for me and I am blessed to have them in my life.

I love my parents but they gave my hand to a man whose concern was not to protect me. My ex’s concern was always himself, to protect himself and to do what he wanted. I know this because even his friends have said that they were “sorry”. They are sorry that they didn’t know what was going on, couldn’t help more, even to a point of sorry for the introduction in the first place. I appreciate their apologies but it wasn’t their fault. Each of them wanted my happiness and to them I seemed happy. I myself thought I was happy, I thought it was going to work out, I thought we would be together until the end of our lives… this was and is not the case.

Because of this last relationship, I am protecting myself as well as trying to get myself back. For this I have added to my list and have gotten more protective of my heart, not less. I have made the decision that I prefer to be alone and happy than give everything to someone that isn’t willing to give anything to me. And although my trust will be given in waves of varying heights, I will give it. I will put myself out there and try to find someone right for me. My list has expanded to include the following:
• Never give more than is being given to you, this may take longer to figure out than you realize but don’t NOT give of yourself to someone either.
• Never be jealous, it is insecurity in disguise.
• Never say something that requires an instant apology.
• Never walk away from someone you love that is hurting. Even if you don’t know what to say to them to bring them back out of their sadness, walking away shows lack of care.
• Always show care.
• Always look someone in the eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul and by not looking you may miss something that you need to know or feel from them.
• Always give what you want given in return. If you don’t show someone what you want, how will they know you want it.
• Never take the first step with someone you aren’t willing to walk a mile with.
• Never get instantly mad, it will cause more harm than good. Take a moment, count to ten and don’t come out with your boxing gloves on, it will just lead to bruises and other pains.
• Always listen to both sides of the story, if you are open to the whole story your relationship will be better in the short and the long run.
• Be protective, be caring and be willing to try, if you aren’t you shouldn’t be dating, in a relationship or otherwise.
• Don’t close your eyes to any possibility. Closing your eyes does just that both physically and metaphorically.
• Ask questions and don’t interpret someone as you may be wrong of their intentions.
• Take care with another’s hearts it is no less important than your own.
• Accept a person for who they are, what they have and where they are going with their life. People are not clay and it is not our job to mold them into something that we want.
• Look for the good things in the relationship, keeping positive is not stupid but looking for the negative will bring just that into it.

I realized through all of the hurt that my last relationship caused to myself, my heart, my family, my friends and my soul that without that I wouldn’t be where I am. As much as it will not get any better, that it is over and that I have not been deterred in the process but that my eyes are more open to the possibility of finding a right person for me. To find someone that will take my hand in theirs with gentle care and in the long run do the same with my heart.

Yes, I am scared but I am not hiding anymore, for I will not gain anything from hiding. Yes, I will put my true self out there. Yes, I will not play games. Yes, I will be me for I like me and if someone doesn’t like me then they don’t deserve me. As much as I have used this quote in the past, it is from a woman that lived her life and even with her sad death is still idolized for her smile. “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” — Marilyn Monroe. Regardless I now know I am ready.