so i have been thinking for a couple of days how weird relationships really are, along with my definite failure of them. regardless where the blame may lie, i am just not good at them. oddly enough i have come to realize, with the help of an awesome psychotherapist, that i really have issues with them. on the simple side i just change, i become someone different... a more caring me that promotes more of a slave type image than that of her once cocky fun loving chill persona that i started with.
as odd as it is, i have figured out that this dual persona is a simple combination of both my mother, the cocky confident redhead, and my grandmother, the cookie cooking hug giver lover of family. i have realized that when i truly don't care about someone i stay in redhead mood... probably also part of the reason that i dye my hair red and stay overly confident to a fault that i am a true bitch. on the other end when i end up in a relationship, i begin as the cocky one and then i become the more nurturing one. i take on more fault in the issues of the relationship and i tend to lose myself by chameleoning their likes...
why do i lose myself in a relationship... or is it just that i put my worst foot forward first, and when i calm down they don't like the more nurturing sweet persona. and why does this only seem to be in relationships... with friends i am me, good or bad...
well right now being that i have ended another one, trying when i should have given up, caring when the other care was gone and still very angry with him for not being truthful with me. but then maybe he was truthful with me and i was too dense to see... regardless i am done with relationships. i am done with focusing on someone else when they aren't focusing on me. i am done.
i won't say i was broken by this last relationship but that is a lie, i was. i was more than i was from my marriage. i was because with my marriage i was blindly entering the valley of despair and in this relationship i knew where i was treading. i stupidly knew... i just want to take a breather... too much this time broke and i can only thank the anti-depressants, my doctors and my friends for bringing me out of it. i needed to find me again. i am still not there
because therapy takes time and its worth each and every co-pay that i spend. i would have never decided to make this choice without being at a very low point. i thank the people that saw it and truly cared, did just fain care and tell me things like "you're strong, this isn't you. get over it" or "why don't you think about all the things going right in your life".
when you are depressed you see nothing but a dark long black tunnel that you are in without a flashlight or any guidance. to a point at my lowest i was suicidal but with only thoughts to guide me to an end with no guts to complete the mission at hand. was it hard, yes. is it over, i hope. do i need to figure out what i truly want in my life above and beyond all others... completely. do i still have my weak moments... HELL YES!
it is just one of those things... i feel like depression is a cancer of the mind that needs time and help like chemo to kill it. it may go into remission and be gone forever or it may get a trigger that brings it right back. regardless knowing that you have the illness is the first step in any situation to conquer it. i will conquer this and i will learn from this...i will learn from this...
