take your own stock - thinking about your life and your successes

so this morning i was laying in bed and my head just started to fizzle. i have heard recently from so many of my friends that they are 'not happy'. they sit and review their life and they realize that so-in-so is in a better place than they are and that makes them sad, depressed, complacent, etc.

why do each of us, not matter how wonderful we have it, have to think that we have failed, that we arent good enough etc. it is because most of us were taught the old saying of ' the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'. we continue to look at what other people have and say 'i want'. instead of taking two second to realize or think that the people that are looking at our grass thinking its greener too.

why are we all so unhappy. fashion magazines makes perfectly beautiful women think that they are fat, unstylish and therefore unattractive. sports magazines sit there and tell me the same things in other ways - ie your muscles are too small therefore you are imperfect too. it is all improper bloody poppycock.

take stock of your own stock. recognize and confront your own goals. are you were you want to be? are you in a place that you need a little more a little less of whatever you may have, need or want.

what all of us need to realize is that each of us are responsible for our own destiny. those of you with spouses, children, etc. may have it a little harder to bring all of these thoughts together, but truly you will be the one in charge of you.

i had some hard decisions to make at the end of last year. i will give you each a little tidbit into my world. as i felt at the time that it had all come crashing down. the person that i loved was distant, my job was removed from under my ass, i was in a new place with no real friends and was at the lowest i have been ever. and for those that have known me since my teens, it was lower then the incident when i was 19, much much lower. i was at a point where i didn't think my stock was worth more than about a penny and that may have been pushing it.

well it took some really good friends to pull me out of my funk and turn my head from a clouded sobbing mess to a bright and cheery spirit again. take stock, give it a little while. buy a journal, sit with your family and discuss how they see your life.

everyone goes through depression, we all have our ups and downs. if you think about it, people have moods like the economy. when we are up, our stock is high, we are happy and easy going and loving life. even when something bad happens it isnt like water on a ducks back, shimmering and sliding down the feathers and back into the lake where it belongs. when we are down, we could have the best things that life can offer, but still there is the weight of our world on our shoulders and dark rain clouds getting our legs all wet with raindrops or worse creating puddles to deep to wade through.

take stock people. look at your own life. know that there is someone looking at your grass and being just as jealous of your fence, house and trees as you are of theirs. everything is relative. everyone is relative and this too shall pass.

i have a friend, we will call him d. the man just finished a divorce and closed a chapter on his life. his past love of more than a third of his life is over. yes it is a sad process to remove someone of that long from your life, but i look at his grass with jealous eyes of envy. he is employed, he has two beautiful children and he is healthy. d has himself in the way of his happiness as we all do. my friend j is much the same, she thinks her kids are the worst but when i look at hers they are more under control, happy and self-satisfied than a lot of other children that i know. i too take a look at her yard and am very envious, beautiful children, career, husband, home.

each of us must take stock of our own wants and dreams. do we have a plan for our life, are we following it, does it seem down to earth enough to make a reality... sometimes taking a moment away will help us all. take a picnic, buy a journal, take up a new hobby. what do you want to do? what will make you happy? believe me, there is so much to be praising for in your life. there is so much time to move forward and change. there is so much that we all need to take a break, remove our shoes, feel the grass under our feet and the sunshine on our faces. whether you are at the beach or in your own yard.... i dare you.

i dare you to take a few seconds and realize that what you have is not all that bad and if you heard enough from other people, you would realize that others are proud of you, what you have accomplished and where you are in your life. i dare you all to take stock, remove the negativeness from your thought and realize that life has not given baskets full of lemons, but beautifully planted tress that are full of blooms. and just because the buds may be small during certain times in your life does not remove them from the trees, just from your line of sight.

blessings to all, you have more than you realize, take time to take stock. you will be surprised what you truly are blessed with.....

sitting in the middle of myself

so right now i am sitting in the middle of myself. do you have one of those days. those are the days were you feel as if you arent a true part of yourself. as if your body and its limbs are doing their own thing and you are just the commander of a ship that has no known direction. well that is where is i am today. thank goodness for friends, ones that get you out of the house and to a movie.

i have direction in my life. i have wants and i have redefined dreams, but then things are still technically in the air. i hate technicalities, all they do is put the indian and the rainbow in my brain each and every time. problem is that i dont have the guide to know when the channel is planning on coming back on.

i have these great people in my life. some that seemed to come out of thin air and are complicating a plan, others that manifested the same way but seem to, well it seems like they are supposed to be here, in my life, right at this moment, right now. in march of this year, but beware the ides of march, literally right around the corner.

i am a weirdo, no better way to explain me. a little girl playing dress up, stealing mommys make-up and high heeled shoes, mixed with a vixen and formerly reformed bad girl that still knows how to give a boy the eye that makes him the only one in the room. problem is that really when youre the only one in my room you ARE THE ONLY ONE. simple and complex, well that is definately the typical girl. overcomplicating the simple man and ladies - they are simple.

men are simple, people play games and when we were younger it was fun to get down the path first, stepping over all others and moving faster and with more money to the end. the problem is that life isnt like the game of life, it is more like monopoly. you go around and around, losing money gaining property, gaining money losing property until you get so tired that you give up. simple right, nope nope NOPE complicated.

having someone sit across from you as a mirror is interesting, humiliating, daunting and exciting. i actually like seeing myself through someone elses eyes, especially when they are like me. tony and i are alike, actually scarily so. tony and i are both Sags, he pronounces sages, just to get my goat, i think, as well as we are libra decedents. we get along so well that it is scary and he is probably one of my best friends because we can truly call each other on things. so tony what do you see? i love tony because like i, he loves truth, hates bullshit and is ready to move forward. he is very much like the older brother that i never wanted, but got at a perfect time in my life. he knows more than anyone else and it is because i trust him and know he actually cares about me.

what do i do now? where do i go? what is the next step? i wants jacks compass... but then it wouldnt be working, another gizmo to complicate the machine and send it down the right, no wrong, no some path. well we will see. i have a perplexion, that will be his nickname for now. this perplexion is intriguing and we will see what happens. i like having a clue but right now there is no clue, no breadcrumbs and arms length....

i give up for today, i will go to the movies tonight, pack for my weekend and take a bath, perhaps things will be clearer tomorrow...... perhaps?

so a funny thing happened on the way to the internet....

so i had a name pop into my head the other day. a name that i havent said in years, thought about per say but havent verbally said. the reason for this is that the name was of a person from the past, not the recent past but back in high school.

high school being what it was, a bunch of kids rebelling from anything and getting into trouble any way that they knew how to. although it was rather safe trouble in the neck of the woods that i grew up in. simple, dull fresno with its dwindling fig orchards which deemed to an agricultural background, now a wasteland of shopping malls and people still wondering if and when they were going to leave. people here tend to get stuck.... just stuck. they leave for a while and then they return, a little worse for wear but ready to embrace mediocrity... ah sweet dumb and blind mediocrity.

what was worse was my high school. well i hated high school, not because i got picked on, not because of any real reason. i had boyfriends and girlfriends. i had fun and caused a good deal of trouble, well as much as one can that gets minor duckets in lunch money. it was just the stuck-upness of the people at my high school. i think more so because my high school felt like the 1950s, segregated as much as a school in the 1990s could be. worse than the clovis school since they didnt move around kids from 'disadvantaged' areas in clovis....

the kids that belonged at my high school well those kids had money and to them it might as well been monopoly money as they seemed to spend it that way.... the kids that had money ran the school and took the priveledged spot in front of the gym to park their brand new cars and sport their brand new clothes.... scary what i remember most was a blue, scratch that bright sonic blue bmw and a bunch of guess jeans....

that left the rest of us with our old cars, if we were lucky enough to get a car, or those being bused from the poorer neighborhoods so that we could all mingle as one happy family in the psycosis which is high school. what the mingling did was make us even more segregated than anywhere else and one of my main reason for wanting to run screaming from the whole town. it just seemed like a dreamland which i interpreted more as a nightmare than anything happy. i remember having dreams about semi-automatic shotguns and a quad full of yuppy preppy assholes and lots of shiny oozing blood.... yeah well i know it was warped but it put a nice little smile on my face in the afternoon as i walked through the quad from lunch to german class.

i tended to relate with the kids with little funds. my mother married my stepfather and in her words 'she married up'. my stepdad ran his own sucessful business and made great money for running around a job-site in custom osterich boots, a cashmere/mohair camel colored jacket and a cowboy hard-hat. we lived in a decent sized house with a pool in the backyard and the marge carson couches in the living room. my parents drove nice cars and we ate good food, but when my brother or i wanted money it was all about the slave labor. washing and waxing my step fathers gargantuin truck was a $30 payyday if we were lucky so to get enough money to go out. i was better wearing a short skirt and standing by the street with a sign... no not for prostituion - goodness i was a virgin till i was 17 1/2.

high school was just high school, it was times of making sure that your underwear wasnt showing when you walked out of the bathroom and that your lipstick wasnt coming off after a quick kiss with a boyfriend while walking down the hall. it was about getting caught in the newest rumor as long as it boosted your popularity rating and smiling.... that is what it was really about - smiling and laughing and having fun....

well that is what has been happening with this blast from the past. a boy that i had a little adventure with once upon a time, got annoyed with and walked away from.... not that anything would have ever happened, different stereotypes - different clicks - different lots in life.

so the other day i found him on that other more high school related website, i will let each of you guess until your faces are blue as 'i will never tell' and i poked him. poking is funny, too funny but it is what it is, poke poke poke baby. a lot of silly memories that i remembered but who knows if he would. i had the same thing with someone else and no memories, so why get my hopes up with this one.... poke poke poke, like a newer less creepy version of edgar allen. we will see what he does?? if he pokes back we send a note, if not - no harm no faul 'huh my little turtle dove'.

well he poked back, so i wrote on his wall and shortly he returned the scribble... quite interstingly i thought. do we play with the mouse or do we be the mouse and hide... well i have never been the one for being a mouse so the kat played back. and since then it has been an interesting ride. a ride that if the line was long i would have walked right past and never worried about looking back - kay sara sara - whatever will be will be. but NOW the poke has turned to scribbles which has turned to messages which somehow transformed to texts and an actual conversation in the span of a day or two.

its just weird, weird weird WEIRD i tell you and i am thinking that i could use sherlock and watson to help with some skills of deduction on how this might end up. the boy is different - he is a man and an educated man at that. i have gotten all my knowledge by climbing fences and listening to the wind. i have watched the masters and like a good little apprentice learned their skills. i have been taught by the stars and the moon which has allowed me to play with the big dogs when i dont get stumbled on my own words..... he isnt a boy, he isnt the boy that i got annoyed with and decided that we were too different to care.....

he is so different that my face wrenches into new positions with one eyebrow raised a little higher than the other and a grin that could out do the grinch on christmas eve... it is a thoughtful evil that comes into my head, a wrenching that i feel like i am playing my own game of tug of war.

'they all lie' pops into my head, thanks dave, i appreciate that one. that is not how my game of life is played, the card says i win a $1000 then i win a $1000 always forgetting the fine print discussing taxes since everyone and their mother wants my share... well getting back on topic, i think this may just be easier to take this at face value. he seems like he is willing to answer the questions that i may be willing to ask, so we will take it one day at a time and move forward, not side-ways, never backwards, just forward............

my silly five step plan to attraction

ok so i have been asked what i am attracted to by so many people that i am posting here so that instead i can be lazy and just send links out. for those that are lazy, dont even try to contact me. i can barely take care of myself as it is, but the last thing i am going to do again in my life is allow another man to treat me like the slave in the relationship because 'i do it better' and therefore he wants to me to do everything and basically live to be pampered....

it is varies simple to me when it comes to being attracted to someone that i want to begin a relationship with.

first and foremost i have to look at you and see you, see how pretty your eyes are, how nice your smile is and think damn i wonder wonder wonder what his lips would taste like. that is simple, it takes a picture without your sunglasses on or a hat on your head, simple for me to see you. if you can't show yourself then in my book you have already lost the race. the reason being that i am a cocky little girl, i came from beautiful parents and even though i will not win any beauty pagents... i have never been barked at in any public place. i can tell you this much, different boys with different looks attract me.... so don't think any one thing will gain you brownie points.

second, once i look at you and let my dirty mind run wild, you have to be able to speak. i will be the first one to look at you and say 'huh' but normally that means that i am paying actual attention instead of like so many others zoning out and thinking about the next pair of shoes to buy, my grocery list for tomorrow or any of the other massive amounts of things that i plan for myself on a daily basis. when it comes to speaking i want to see your passion for what you love, i want to know what you do and how you grace life with your pressence, what makes you different from others and if it all comes out right then i am really thinking i wonder wonder wonder what his lips taste like.

third is the kiss and to me one of the most important points in getting to know someone. you may get through stage one and stage two but if your kiss lags then i tend to fall behind. a kiss is the very passion of a relationship and the reason that we girls tend to hold onto that moment so much. if you are with me i don't want you kissing other girls, and if i love your kiss then i will want it all over my body. when it comes to my kissing i like them hard and soft, i like lips pursed and i like tongue. it is one of the best things and as old as i am, i totally like making out with someone for hours on a couch, even though i know that my parents arent going to butt in on me. a good kiss makes my body quiver and if you really know how to kiss then pull me close to you and do it and keep doing it and i will be yours.

once we get to step four which tends to the longest of the whole process will be when i really want to get to know you. this isn't just the normal over dinner small talk. i want to know your dreams, where you are going with them and what your personal plans for the future are. the first three steps are a simple combination of head, heart and body and step four is when the emotion of care will actually come into play. if you can get into and through step four then step five is a killer.

step five is sex, not making love for this girl. for to 'make love' to someone i have to be 'in love' with somone and normally my sagittarius lusty nature gets the best of me before it goes there. i like sex and sex with the right person is like firworks on the fourth of july. but i want all stages of sex, its the whole ball game with me or nothing at all. advice to litle boys - sex with me is a tit for tat situation. i get - you get, bitte sagst ja!! (and if you don't know german that translates lazily to 'please say yes').

my stages are simple, if you fall out of one or the other we may be able to be friends but dont change yourself to try to fit into my mold. it isnt worth trying to change yourself as i will never again change myself for another person again in my life. if you cant take me as i am with all my faults, goodnesses, weakness and strength then you really dont want me and i am okay with that, i just hope you can be too.

have fun finding your love, i have been having a great time back to looking for my true love and as much as i gave you a little bit here, you will never get it all from me. my true next love will be my gunpowder making every part of me go off like the biggest brightest firework on fourth of july. heart, mind and soul combined to create perfection.

i have come to a fork in my road

so i have so many things going on with me right now, i am not quite sure where to go. i have some job opportunities, some that pay and some that dont. i have some romantic opportunities, some that are right and some that are wrong. basically i have come to a very complicated fork in the road.

let me back up a month or so..... in early january, i was bound and determined to get the hell out of beaumont. i am sick of being looked at for the way i dress, i am sick of the middle of nowhere mentality and i am sick of this huge house being filled with deceit and lies. i tried my best after he left to get the images out of my head, get the bad memories out of my head. i bought new bedding, i moved around rooms, i painted, etc but it didn't really change anything. i walk in the front door and whether he is here or he is gone i see all the failed dreams and all the lost future memories.

i dated, i thought about getting back into the game and it is a game. i found boys that were nice and those that were mean and those that were totally confusing. i found old flames that said hello and those that didn't reply, was found by old flames that i replied and those that i didnt.

when it came down to it, the last two months of last year were for figuring out if i wanted to keep him, if we could make it work and if we could try again with me forgiving him and him forgiving me. he made it about bills and responsibility and didnt want to understand what depression that i was in. that it was hard enough to get up in the morning or even get out of bed. he said he was depressed and that he understood but i dont think he did and i dont think he ever will. that is why all the people i talked to said i could do better, all these people that were even supposed to be his friends said to get out and save myself.

so when he came to talk to me at the end, shortly after the new year i cut him off, i told him no and i wanted out. for the prior two months i wanted him to tell me that i was worth fighting for, that we were good together and that he still wanted me, that he didnt want her and that he wanted us to work. he never did, he just let me talk and cry and at the end i was empty again. i had spent all this time trying to think things out placing my emotional state as a priority and he put my financial state as a priority. i still wonder what he would have said if i just let him talk, what he wanted. i still wonder but then i also dont think he really knows.

so i was ready about 90% so to move forward, with just a little bit of my heart and mind stuck in the prior relationship. 90% of me ready to move forward with someone that wants the same things as i do, ready for the same things that i am and ready for me in the state that i am, probably my weakest in years. worrying about more than just things right in front of me and worried about making the same mistakes as last time.

as for the jobs, i have an opportunity to work for a new venture, a venture with great potential but one that i have walked along this road before. i feel bad because i can't really put my whole heart in it, the way i did last time even if it may work out better. i will try but then i am not sure if i can really try anywhere near as hard as i did last time. my faith is a little shot..... then there is my line and my fashion company and for the first time in year i have more faith in myself because i am giving it to myself. so tomorrow i sew, i take pictures and i place on the website. i write my business plan and i look for donors, business partners and sponsors. i can do it, i do it all by myself, so what is a couple of people to help. i even have a great idea for a name, one that truly makes things b.

so it is all up in the air, the great boys and the great jobs will just have to fall into place, those that i am ready for and are ready for me will stick and those that arent will fall by the wayside. it will suck if i lose people i may care for, but its my life and its all about me right now. even if i am stuck at a fork, even if they all look the same and i am not sure which way to travel. i think for now i will give it a little time and sit at the bench that is near the roads. i will sit and relax for the path that is the right path, the correct path should show its way. hopefully just not too long, i get antsy and sooner or later i may have to pee.....

so the evils of the day are over and i think i know what i want

i have spent the day with some of my favorite people in the entire world, people that even when they are upset or pissy with each other still make me jealous for what they have. and what they have is out of this world, outstanding, overcome almost anything love. it is the kind of love that they dont write about because it isnt fairy tale love, it is better it is true life world love.

a woman and a man that have know each other since third grade... i was there i know. we all used to play family together.... me, jackie, dave and nikita. i have kept in touch with jackie since third grade, the best friend that i have ever had. my one true friend that knows everything about me and even as warped as i am accepts me for all my faults.

i drove down to san diego on friday, happy friday the 13th. i promised over a month ago that i would watch their darling children, matthew and elizabeth. two of the cutest children that i have ever seen, but then i am in that phase of 'every baby is cute'. the reason i know is because i want one too. this is not the normal 'kelly just wants, what she wants because someone else has it' which if you know me is normal. it is the little kid in me that stomps my foot and says i want because {pointing my finger at someone else} they have it....

i always thought my life would go a certain way. you get a job, figure yourself out, as much as you can without paying a shrink $10K a year to tell you what you feel or think or whatever your issues with your mutha and fatha.... find a person that makes you smile and build a life with them. building a life meaning buying cars and homes and furniture, creating new lives and raising them without screwing them up too much, planning graduations and weddings and anniversary parties and baby showers, etc. living life, creating and nuturing love and following the plan, not one set in stone just one with flexible timelines and flexible goals.

i found the man, the one i wanted babies with, the one i wanted to grow old with, the one that i wanted to create a home with and love until i was old and gray. it just didn't happen that way, it seemed we wanted different things and we lost that communication in the long run. it is eight years that i am not sure if i feel wasted or feel that the experience was needed to complete myself more. any thoughts? any pysch md charge free thoughts?

are the people we bring into our lives all supposed to teach us something? are we supposed to use each as a stepping stone? and once we are past that first relationship/marriage/commitment, etc. when can we get back into someone else - in an instant or should we wait? when do we know when it is right to put ourselves back into a real relationship?

sleeping around tends to be key.... for some its just because the non-commitment is easier - i say boys tend to go this way. once they are ready for someone though it is as if the train will keep on the track til it hits the right station, and just like the post office slogan from days past, they will get the job done through rain and sleet and whatever.

then there are those that go from relationship to relationship - never stopping to smell the roses or spend a little time alone to figure themselves out or what they may have learned from the last relationship, its almost like a child - they get bored with one toy and off they are to the next one. the brighter and shiner and newer the better. i don't think these people will ever learn or grow, they just don't want to be alone and when one relationship gets too complicated, which in the adult world - relationships do every once in a while get complicated, they are off and onto the next thing. the closer the easier and the better. making excuses for why they don't want to try to uncomplicate the relationship or try to fix, just off off off.....

then there are those that take a second and think. look back at the previous relationship and learn... well maybe just think. think about what they didnt like, what they did like, how we changed, if we want to change back, if we may just be or are too complicated and want to become a hermit or gigalo or whatever... we tend to want to learn and expand from our mistakes, if we see them that way. we start looking for someone that will compliment us, take us for who we are - regardless of our faults, make us feel like the sun, moon and the stars. as long as we can leave our baggage behind us and trully move forward. and i am talking not even a small carry-on, leave it all.

the second you are in a new relationship, it is my opinion, that you should share. i tend to over share but if someone is cool with that then there shouldnt be a problem. you both need to share - your dreams, your wants, your aspirations, your plan. even if little things will change or be modified in one person or the other the communcation is best.

also this tidbit is key!!! never go to bed angry. i have heard this from so many. if you want to walk away or they want to walk away when a discussion needs to be had it will never work. they will be bitter or you will be bitter. sleeping on the couch is not an option for me. never again will i let the person that i love walk away from me when we need to talk about something. never again will i let him sleep on the couch and be mad for the entire night. fighting and making up go hand in hand, you need to come to a conclusion - make up and apologize - then fall asleep in each others arms.

what i have finally figured out is that love is simple. it is simple to love the people that are in your life and that you care about. it is relationships that are hard, communication is hard and people can be downright stubborn. if you need to fight make sure that you truly care about what is being fought over. stains in the carpet happen, dents in car doors happen, life happens. chose what is important to you and keep that your priority, keep only the important stuff as a priority.

if you find that your other doesnt care about something, ask them why. dont just get mad/angry/upset with them because they dont put as much weight or value on something as you do. most have good reason, most have good sense as to why they dont and there is nothing wrong with that. things will always be there tomorrow and sometimes you can put it off. sometimes there are heavier things weighing them down. talk before you get angry, talk before you get frustrated, talk before you lose what you have and what you love.

lastly dont try to change people. we are all old enough to know what our faults are or at least most of them. we dont need someone that we love reminding us of them. we try on our own to do better and may relapse at any time because its primal to us. each of us has great things and ungreat things. build someone up with their great things, be their cheerleader, help them through and you will become closer and better together. telling someone you care about how much they suck doesnt do anything, that is what friends are for. friends tell you when you suck. not to say that someone you care about shouldnt, but it is personally much harder to hear from a lover than a friend, for me.

all i want to impart is that no one is perfect. i love each person in my life for who i am and hope that they do the same as warped as i can be sometimes. i accept you, can you accept me and the others that grace your life with love or do you want to run away and hide from everyone. the choice is yours, its your life and you are the only one that can make yourself truly happy. what do you need to do it?

not looking forward to valentine's day

so it is nine days until valentine's day and i think i am metaphorically sick. i have realized that this will be the first valentine's day that i will literally be alone and it is saddening. for the last couple of years we haven't been able to celebrate valentine's day on the actual day because i had school/work or he had work but this year is the first year that i am alone and i am not quite sure how to handle it.

i was smart, when i realized that i would be alone before i tried to rectify the situation. i volunteered my babysitting services to my best friend. i did it because it is the first time that her and her husband are back in a place where i can help them, back in CA and only an hour and a half away. i really did it to allow them the night away from the kids and to have a nice night by themselves. i haven't been dating anyone that asked to spend the evening with me and like new years, it is a hard holiday to spend alone, but the realization of many things is hitting fast as the holiday approaches.

like any holiday that produces feelings of longing or loneliness i totally blame the media. the news brings out all the sappy stories and the commercials of jewelry and gifts and candies and other shit just help prolong the agony. then if you are lucky, and by all means please read the sarcasism in this, enough to also subscribe to premium movie channels then you have all the sappy sappy movies that talk about love and lose and feelings. yuck! yuck!! yuck!!!

don't get me wrong, if i have someone to wrap my arms around and cuddle on the couch with, i love valentines day. i wear my red dress and red shoes which as cheesy as it is, I have had for years... it only gets worn once a year and carefully put back in a little box, but this year it has stayed in the box. i did have it out but then the other day i walked in and looked at it and the next thing i knew i was on the floor of my closet in a huddled sobbing mess.

i am a girl, as much as i try to fake it, i am a girl. i like shiny sparkly things. i like being held. i like being told that i am pretty, that i smell nice and that my smile lights up a room. i like being liked, i love being loved and when i have someone they know they are the only one. unfortunately i found out shortly after the new year that last year, my only one had another one. that is also something that is hard to get through, hard to wrap my head around and keep my heart away from.

my heart is having its own issues. it doesn't really feel anything anymore. its like the boy in the bubble, watching from the sidelines but not wanting to go out and play for fear that it will get hurt. it doesn't want to even try. it actually turns it back to the people in the world many times and just sits and crys. i feel it, it is so small right now that the space that it once filled is vacant. its like a pebble inside the ocean. it hurts less and less but it still hurts. i don't think it is anything that i can do, and what i mean by i is my brain.

i was sitting in sf last weekend talking to chrissi about my drama, the drama that i still can't really wrap my head around. my heart still wrenching a little from it and thus the hiding. my head wanting to ask questions, lots of questions that it knows he wont answer and not sure if i even want to hear the answers to anyways.

my mother keeps saying the same thing "adorable and useless". the problem is that she has said it in front of my stepfather many times. a man she has been married to for now twenty years. i am not sure if she actually means it or is just saying it for me. should i really consider men "adorable and useless"? doesnt that perpetuate the entire situation, the us-them bullshit. wouldn't it warp me for any relationship that i try to have in the future? i truly think the same can be said of women, we too can be "adorable and useless". maybe its just because i have a different mental dynamic of a relationship between a man and a woman.

i feel that each has certain things that make the relationship better. women can multi-task, but it also makes us scatterbrained. men can be single minded, but at least they can get it done without too many thoughts coming into their brain and distracting them.

i want a true partnership. i want someone that knows when they have a bad day that i will be there with my arms wide open ready to surround them with love and warmth. i want the same in return. i want every detail of our home to be discussed and agreed upon, i want ever aspect of our lives to be discussed and agreed upon. i want a true partnership, give and take on both ends.

so this valentine's day even though i will be without that special someone, i don't deny that he is out there, that i will find him and that i will be happy again. that my heart will heal and that it will strive again and come out and play with all the other children in the neighborhood. that i will be open to love and for love again. it just takes time right? it just takes time.