i want a mechanic to fix my life

last night i sit on the couch with a friend that i have known for about 10 years but havent spent as much time with as i should. this friend produced a sadness and a longing for something that i have also not been unfamiliar with lately. the longing is fine and the sadness is fine, but combined the two create a dreary person the like that even hugs and hands cant take away. the mood was solemn for many and even with bouts of laughter and crude jokes the evening was still more filled with solace than i like at my parties.

since october of last year when i felt a portion of my own life came crumbling down upon my head, i have been trying to figure out what i want from life. what type of friends that i need, what kind of relationship would work and what type of person i would like to find and spend the rest of my life with. i am not in any way a temporary person. i like my traditions and keep to them regularly whether alone or in groups. i dont look at something and figure that once it leaves my life i can just replace it. this is with anything, i tend to spend a little extra money on quality and justly i am looking for that in my friends and relationships.

the problem is that i dont think people think that way anymore. by the way that this friend was speaking and overwhelmingly by the way a couple of friends have been talking it seems more people are of the 'buy cheap and throw it away' then find and buy quality. i dont know if it is life that is teaching us to be this way or if it is the people that we fill our lives with that make us frustrated about the worth of the situation.

on friday i spent the evening with another friend that is saying the same thing that i used as a descriptor for myself only a few months ago. this friend feels 'broken'. broken is defined in many ways as 1) reduced to fragments; fragmented, 2) ruptured; torn; fractured, 3) not functioning properly; out of working order, 4) fragmentary or incomplete, 5) infringed or violated, 6) interrupted, disrupted, or disconnected, 7) weakened in strength, spirit, etc., 8) disunited or divided, 9) not smooth; rough or irregular, 10) ruined; bankrupt. take one or all of these and to have a human describe themselves as such is nothing less than sad.

no one should feel broken, especially if another human being has made us feel this way. life is hard enough to go through on a daily basis that when one is miserable, it seems like in one way shape or form, all of us have something or someone making us feel this way. whether a relationship that has long past expired, a job that makes us want to call in more sick days then go in, friends that are not the counsel that a friend should be or family that makes us, even at our current age, feel more like children than the adults we proclaim to be.

my friends that are feeling such loss and feeling broken are also proclaiming to have 'given up' or 'dont think they can go through this again'. why do relationships make us feel so close and so distant at the same time? why do people hold onto things/people that they no longer want? why are we so scared of the truth with someone that we stay even when we feel we are walking into the depths of hell every time that we open the door? there are a lot of reasons.... fear, insecurities, etc. you pick what you want for your situation? find me a truly 100% happy person and i will give you everything that i own.

what worries me more are that these broken people are some of the cream of the crop in so many ways. now i know no one is perfect, we cant be, we werent made that way. regardless of what you believe it is hard to gain perfection in one's life. but to the broken i say make yourself a list, look at your situation and if any negative descriptors come to mind reevaluate, tell those that you love that you do even if the situation isnt ideal, because it may be longer to get to that ideal situation than you realize. life gives us ups and downs for a reason, with me its to trip me in my five inch heels but for other chose your cheesy metaphor. take a chance on the things that you want because all any of us is doing is getting older, perhaps wiser but definitely older and no one wants to looks back at their life with regrets of 'what if' or 'what could have been'.

regardless i wish you all happiness, love, companionship, wealth, health, liberty and happiness and for those that dont have it yet realize that YOU are the only mechanic in your life that can fix your brokenness however small or large it may be. blessed be.

this would be a blog......

it is halfway through september and still not a job in site. the market for insurance brokers is pretty much bust and so instead i have been working on some side projects including but not limited to my fashion design company, a brilliant business venture and miscellaneous other smaller inventions.

this is a time for new beginnings, reflections and change. it is a time to review ones life and make oneself the best person that you can be. no one is prefect but stop giving advice to others and heed your own.

in a conversation with a new old friend, we both reflected on past relationships and trying to make something out of nothing. i did it twice in the same twelve months. once with my future ex husband while trying to make a sinking ship seaworthy and one with what i saw was a bright and shining star that unfortunately gave no direction. back to the conversation that lasted far into the night and while yawning we decided to end it.

basically we cant figure out why good people seek or get attracted to people that dont see their good, dont see there future and dont see the wonderful person in front of them. its hard to make someone truly see you, regardless of your past or possible future a person sees what they want to see. sometimes its the whole truth and sometimes its a lie and sometimes, even worse, it is a combination of both.

the man that i fell for has become a boy. i know i know it should be the other way. all of us should go from the child to the adult but for some its harder than others. outside forces tell us that we should couple or not couple, that we should procreate or not and so on and so forth. for whatever reason i was two steps ahead of him. so like so many others i have cried my tears and are moving forward.

there are too many other things in the hopper right now to keep my head stuck on an effort forlorn. there were a couple of people that gave solace in this time. my best friend was a shoulder to cry on even though he himself was going through a tough time. my old-new friend going through something hard himself was a sounding board and countless others that saw my silly philosophical posts and texts gave their support.

and so in conclusion, the boy was set free and seeing fit i will quote some silly sayings that feel right and just in this moment. 'if you love something set it free, if it returns it was meant to be' and 'it is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved before' while adding my own 'if they cant see the wonderful person that you are, then they dont deserve you' and 'take each failure as a step in the right direction'.

i send this blog out to everyone, whether they are loved or unloved, coupled or single. You can only move forward and keep your fingers crossed but looking back for too long will cause you to trip into holes and miss new opportunities.

its nice to be someones guardian angel

a couple of weeks ago i met a soul in need of someone or something, i am unsure at the time what exactly it was, but regardless this person called out to me. i simply answered. i simply opened myself up to this person and listened to them as they yo yoed up and down the twisted string of life. this soul was hurting, hurting much like i had done only a few months earlier. i could feel the same pain, i could feel the same ache and i could feel the same hurt that i had had only a short time before.

i had a friend, a true friend pull me out of this funk, tell me what i needed to hear and let me know that i was the number one person in my life. it was only right that i pay it forward. that i give the same advise that was given to me. that i hold out the same hand to help them off the ground and to give the same shoulder and allow the tears to flow.

this man had so much hurt from the people that shouldnt hurt at all, that shouldnt put you through pain. he needed a way out. we have talked for the last couple of weeks sharing things and getting very close. me thinking that perhaps he could be mine but then it happened. the other day i told him to pack up, that he needed to get out of the house of hatred and lies, that he needed a 'spa' weekend. i picked him up in victimville, took him to santa ana to get his son and then i met her. what an angel and a devil all at the same time and for reasons that only another girl can ever comprehend.

regardless i realized something, that this man needed this angel. on the drive from santa ana to my house we talked, we shared and i told him he was already half way there. with all his belongings already in my car he could just call her and make the next step. someone needed to push him because they were meant for each other, they already had a son, it was so easy.

now the rest is history and he is back where he belongs and now i know how it feels to be someone guardian angel

i think i found perfection

do you ever think wow. i mean wow. do you ever meet someone and have such an instant connection that you dont think your life will ever be right again if that person were to leave it.... and at the same time think that it couldnt be any better than it is now.

through random circumstances i think i have found perfection. a heart in the same shape as mine but not. a soul in the same shape as mine but slightly different. the connection we have right now is so strong that it is causing constant thought on both ends. the phrases that we say to each other are way to early but yet said with confidence, care and truth.

the whole thing is like a hollywood romantic comedy. a really good one, that the two people connect and you think cheese. they fall in love and you think it couldnt happen like that. they commit to each other and you think it doesnt really work that way. they spend eternity in one night and you wish it would or could happen to you.

it is starting out that like that and i am loving each step. the conflict between the heart and the mind. which is an ever struggle to all anyways. it is baby stepping and a child running with scissors all at the same time. I never would have thought it. i never would have believed it but i think i found perfection

how to cope when you feel lost

today was a weird day. that is the easiest way to describe today, weird.

yesterday was a good day, even with him unhappy and sick, yesterday was a good day. a day where i made homemade banana nut bread, got a window fixed, had a great nap and took my time to smile. yesterday was a good day, when i saw him, he asked if i missed him and i said yes. when as we were getting to his car he gave me the sweetest kiss and looked into my eyes. a day where a nice dinner and a little conversation made me smile and not feel so lonely. yesterday was a good day and it ended in a good way with shivers and tingles. yesterday was a good day.

today was weird. at about nine this morning, i expected him to show up. he made a promise and he was supposed to be here. we were supposed to do all the things that i am bound to do with him. still bound because i have to be not because i want to be. he isnt the same person anymore. we have both changed and as a couple we pulled away from each other. today was weird.

i have two males in my life right now.

a new man that i can tell the truth to. its not the whole truth because we havent swapped life stories, but that comes with time. no one wants to know the whole story anyways but we share as any new relationship goes. like a flower on its journey to from a bud to a bloom, each petal opening when the warm light shines on it. when the water rushes from it roots to the veins of its inner being. as the two combine then the life, the essence is given to the plant. that photo thingy that creates life in the flower allows it to bloom and flourish. each petal a true magnificent miracle. if you dont think it is the perfect analogy for a new relationship, then please send me a note but that is the way i see it. he is a lot of silly things that i want. his eyes and his hair, his rugged features, his strength, his care, his gentility, his genuineness, his truth and his thinking. even though he is much younger. even though i am not sure, i am okay with spending more time getting to know him and being with him. i have been looking for one with certain attributes and qualities which he has. as long as we continue down this path, i feel that we can be okay. i dont want to jinx anything. i have done that in the past, put too much thought into things and come out perplexed, frustrated and unhappy. i am okay with letting the chips fall where they may and the grains of sand pass through the hourglass without shaking it to make them flow faster. he was my yesterday and my yesterday was good.

there is another man in my life. one i can no longer trust. one that i can no longer look at with the innocence that i once had. one that betrayed our relationship by kissing another woman. the one rule i stood fast on as the kiss is the passion of a relationship. he didnt understand that him kissing her was so much worse than anything else he could do to me. he still doesnt because 'it was only kissing and hugging, i didnt fuck her'. the statement still chimes through my head and when i look at him it is with disgust these days. he was the one that was supposed to be here today, we had things to take care of. we had things that we had to do.

and so today was weird. i got up late because i went to bed late. i climbed into my chair and opened the computer to check email. my roommate came in and asked me to come chill with him and the kids for the morning. it was fun, picking them up, heading through wal-mart with a quick trip to see the fish, the toys and the movies. off to lunch and then home for a quick change and the park with bubbles and kite flying. more time with the kids.

i enjoy spending time with the kids and with D. it was the life that i wanted. a family and watching the kids run around and have fun. simplicity is key and D and i have fun. a little sun and some fresh air and then drama. because he wasnt there when we got home like he was supposed to be. a simple text wondering where he was. we were trying to plan the evening, continuing the time with the kids, aidan had gotten stars and we were going to go to see the giant rat and his cheese. all i asked was where he was and it was as if i started a fire. it was simple to answer the question but then there was this drama.

the drama that caused me to cry under my glasses. the things that he said and the hurt in his words. i dont understand him. i thought we were done but then i get this. i dont know him anymore. he still flaunts her in my face and yet he still cares. talk about two different things. talk about two different ideas. i dont know what to think anymore, i dont know if he does or he doesnt because he puts priority on the dumbest things. the dumbest things.

tomorrow all could be lost but love remains. if the world blew up and there wasnt cell phones and television and cars and debt there would still be love. love and trust is the most important things to me. when you get to the point of telling someone that you love them, then you put blinders on. the only person in your sights is that person, yes its old fashioned but then so am i.

i was taught to take care of my man. i was taught that the woman knows how to cook and how to love and she gets the slippers at the end of the night. i know it is anti-feminist but then it is old fashioned and sometimes i return to that way of thinking. it has worked for my grandparents and they just hit seventy-five years together. seventy-five years, i dont even think they have a metal for that. that mixed with a little bit of my mother makes me me. it makes me want to find someone that will take care of me the way i take care of others. someone that really cares but then maybe not. maybe its easier to take what i want and get out before it gets too complicated, like so many other girls do.

well i cant be one of those girls. i cant have people in my life that i care about and not give them everything that they need. its just that simple, like making promises and keeping them. but when you feel lost, you feel like everything is different. not weird, not bad nor good, just different. how does one cope? well this one goes to visit the people that she knows care about her, that she knows will always be there. those are family and when i feel lost i cope by visiting them.

you take stock, listen to your livestock so to say. you get with people that look in your eyes and know when you are miserable, not just look at the fake smile on your face. so i will pack up my clothes and my computer, some chick flicks and my camera and i will get away for a little while. I will spend time with my family and my adopted family. I will allow my feeling of being lost to come through and actually be real for a little while. whether i cry or i laugh or i just give in. i will find solace in my family and cope while i feel lost.

thinking i was okay and instead i am on the floor in a million pieces

how come something so simple, so small can do something so large. i feel like i have been broken into a million pieces all over again. i finish up my last bit of german with a new friend through chat. hippity hop down the stairs to cook a meal that i have been craving for the last couple of weeks.

i begin pulling the veggies out of the fridge. over to the pantry for the pasta and the sauce. back to the counter to cut up the chicken and as i look the mail is here. cool, i grab it and begin looking through it and there it is. a note from disney, not for me but i dont care, i rip them in two. i am pissed.

i kicked her out after what she did, thought about so many horrible things to do to her. this person that said she was my friend all the while seducing my husband while i was gone. giving him kisses in the doorways when i wasnt looking and lying to me at each breath that escaped her lips. and yet she still lingers here in the mail that didnt get forwarded and the nonreturnable presents that sit in doorways and jewelry boxes.

i tried to rid her from this house and still she is here. still her name pops up and i hear her fucking voice. it was one thing to have a cheating husband, we had a deal when it came to sex, we could go outside the doors of our home, this safety and have a little freakishness. that was fine, not originally what i wanted but i gave in because i loved him, i gave in because i didnt think it would affect me.

we had rules, when it came to the house, that was our safety. no one but each other. no one but our love and our caring for each other. but then the lies destroyed all of that. i trusted him to be faithful and miss me. i sacrificed sleeping next to him each night because the money was what he wanted. but then every friday when i got home, not even a true hello. not even a meet at the door with a hug and a kiss. not even a help me with the luggage and snuggle into bed with me.

i knew last year that he was distant. i knew how much i missed him each sunday i left to go back to la and what would probably happen each friday when i got home. i tried to talk to him but nothing. i tried to tell him what i needed, but nothing. i knew down deep that something was going on, but i didnt want to believe that. you dont make a commitment to someone and then drop it without telling the other person. you dont take someone else in your heart without releasing the one that you are bound to.

my trust for anyone and everyone should be shattered but then i would never love again, i would never care again, and i would turn into a lifeless droughted rose. full of thorns and wilted stinky petals. no interest to anyone or anything. my emotions are not like stereotype placed on the masses. i care independently, i trust independently and i love independently.

i look at the two torn pieces of paper in my hand, i could throw them away without anyone knowing. i could but i dont, i place them on his desk and then send him a text, actually two. texts that are not returned, probably because he knows he is wrong. i tell him i am pissed. i tell him that he is an asshole for allowing this to happen and make me feel like shit all over again. normally he replies and attacks, but no reply means what.... what? nothing, it means nothing. he means nothing. i wasted tears and pain and heartbreak on scum. on someone that wasnt worth my tears. i wasted years of my life on someone that was never going to give me what i wanted but always expected me to give him what he wanted. how is that a relationship..... how, well it isnt, its slavery and i paid him to be his slave.

i try to pull myself together but the tears come all over again. first lightly like fog and then downpours. i almost fall to the ground but the counter catches my arms. i also break into all of it and think about lighting his room ablaze or throwing his computer in the trash. what i realize is that i cant have him here anymore. i cant have him near me if i am going to heal. if i am going to love again, i have to not let these emotions happen again. i need to get away from him, from her, from this house.

i finish dinner and put mine in the fridge. too frustrated to eat, too sick to smell the wonder of the food that i created. i will eat it tomorrow when my stomach stops churning and my taste buds regain the ability to produce flavor and when i want to think. tonight i just wanted to escape, he isnt even here and i wanted to escape. bastard, to allow this to happen to me all over again. i was doing so well, but then it hurts all over again, this time not in my heart but in my head.

i remove myself from the room, from the hurt and return upstairs. this time with no spring in my step. i sit at my computer and continue some polite banter with few, some frustrations with others. i sit here and decide to look at a couple of pictures. my eyes resting on his blue eyes and his bright smile. i take a deep breath and look again, the dimple, the hat, the simple man with so many layers.

he doesnt understand yet how weak i really am and how i run because i dont want to get hurt. how i am not sure what i want right now and how fun is really all i can take. i want to see him often. i wanted to see all of them often and when they were too busy i moved to another one. i need what i need and i miss just being with someone. i miss the cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. i miss having their scent near me. looking into their eyes and having them look back at me. i just want simple, i want truth and i want trust, but like him i am not sure if i am willing to give that quiet yet. it is not an ocean, it is a raindrop right now. not sure where to go and what to do. my feet wanting to run away.

i send an email to my aunt and my mom, perhaps a couple of weeks to get away from him. pack up my fabric and my machine, my cats and my camera, my laptop and my sanity and run away. i have places to stay all over the state. i could travel the twelve hours to visit mom, the six to get to my aunt and the four to visit grandma. i need to hear what these brilliant woman think that i should do. i feel lost, i feel tired, i feel miserable, i feel like a loser and worse broken into a million pieces.

the loss of someone great

when i was twenty-one, my father was taken from my life. it was a time that was really bad and hard to explain to someone that hasnt gone through it. now that a friend, a very close friend that i care deeply for has had the same thing happen in his life, i have decided to write this.

losing a parent in hard. hard at any age. even when you are withdrawn from each other. but the simple matter of the fact is that they are your parent. you are all of them and they are half of you. that is the way that it works. two souls unite to create another and as much as you may hate them through certain stages of your life, you are connected eternally. you will see them in heaven if that is what you believe or they will ever be a cycle of any new life should it be reincarnation.

i remember watching 'greys anatomy' and when the character george loses his father he is outside, basically beside himself. the charater christina comes, stands ont he wall next to him and tell him 'welcome to the club, the dead dads club.' that is the way that it is. losing a father is different from losing a mother. we come from our mothers, we suckle from their breasts and are craddle in their arms. we fall and scrap our knees, they rush to our side ready with bacteen and bandages. fathers are a little withdrawn. we dont bond with them like we do our mothers. but regardless they are our dads.

when i was little, i was daddys little girl. no doub about it. i look through my baby book even to this day and there are lots of moments with my father. great moments, some that i remember and others that i dont. but then when i was eight years old, my father couldnt handle us anymore. he didnt want children and a wife, he didnt want his family. he divorced my mother and moved to sacramento. so far away for a child of eight, both physically and emotionally. i didnt understand it. this man that had said hello to me every night that he came home was no longer going to tuck me in at night. no longer going to kiss me on my forehead and say goodnight. it was heartbreaking to say the least.

when i finally was forced to see my father again. and it was just awkward. forced visits with kids that were withdrawal from their father.