Why am I not tired?

It has been a long time since I was sitting on my couch willing my brain to turn off and let my body go to sleep. A very long time. If I remember correctly it was the first night that I found out my husband of 5+ years was cheating on me (and fell in love) with a woman that I trusted and called friend. That was a night of shear contemplation and lots of different emotions. That was a SHITTY night.

Tonight I sit up for different reasons, more than to do with feelings than thoughts. I have some great people that I am worrying about. Some people that are going through hard times, unsure of what the future holds, broken by people they loved as well as this great economy that we live in. It has been hard for all, whether you have a job or not, a relationship or not, a child or not, a life or not, a (fill in the blank here) or not. Too much to think about, too too much to think about but yet here I sit with my head flowing with people I love and the stresses, drama and problems that they are dealing with.

It is hard to watch someone you love hurt, suffer or feel lost. I have always held my friends in my hand, wanted every possible happiness for them as long as it was a healthy happiness. As long as the path they were traveling was toward light and not toward darkness. But so few can see the light sometimes, the path is so dim because it is covered with trees. And worse is when you can’t see the path in any way around you and you just sit down, feel broken and cry.

I sit and worry while I keep silent. Sometimes you just have to do that, as much as you may love someone you have to go silent. Fade into the darkness until they call for you. Speaking when a friend is lost, broken, unhappy, etc. can be one of the worst things. You can, in your compassion, actually cause more harm than good. Especially through emails and texts - the greatest things being words are interpreted by the reader how the reader sees fit. You may have the greatest intentions and yet even on a normal day words and their intentions can be read wrong. One of my favorite people complained of this just the other day during a visit, he shook his head at a text message and paused before replying back to it for some time to insure he was not mean because he took said text as such. All of this reminds me of a great quote which says “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” - Samuel Johnson, 1775.

Is it a bad thing to walk away from a friend when they may seem at their weakest point, perhaps… I was very very weak last year. I was broken and suicidal. I had no faith in people and while it was not my fault, which I realize only now, at certain points I did need to been alone. I needed to get on my hands and knees and feel out my path in the darkness. My path had turned from light to darkness in a second, and gave me no sense in any direction of which way to move. It was a very scary time for me, but also a time of great growth, great review and great reorganization.

My perception of my life was very different than others perception of my life. I realized that I protected my husband, I gave into his wants even when they were not my own, I let him say and do horrible things to me and all while instantly forgiving him. I let him break me, I let him change me, and I let him warp my mind and my morals. I gave so much to him because he was my husband and because in my mind once you marry you don’t walk away. There are vows that were taken, implied or said they had been ingrained in me since I was little. I picked him and I was going to make it work even if I was a shell of a person I was going to try and try and try my hardest to make him happy.

As horrible as it was to find out what was happening in my house and right under my nose, it was him doing it, not me, NOT ME! A relationship only works if both people work at it, if both people accept to progress down the path of life together, hand-in-hand and relying on each other each time one of you shall stumble. And stumbling will and does happen. You will very rarely both be walking tall through the entire journey, but the faith is that one of you will. Hands holding each other through each step, even when the path is dim and neither of you can see.

The problem is truly looking at that person, truly seeing that person. Removing all falsities, some of us can while others still feel a sense of obligation even perhaps a sense of guilt. Do they make you want to stand tall as a mighty oak or do they take an axe to your kneecaps? When you falter, do they wrap their arms around you and protect you or are they helping dig your grave? I know any of you sitting here reading this are thinking “how could someone…” but I tell you they do. The people that are supposed to be our #1 supporter can be the detriment to our entire being with one action. One word, one call and one thought. They can wreck our entire being and make us not repairable.

I have reached out my hand to a couple of people as of recent. Some that asked with their mouths and others with their eyes. I remember bringing myself from brokenness as if super-gluing together a vase that had shattered into thousands of tiny unrecognizable pieces. Gluing one piece into a spot and realizing it didn’t fit there and looking for the right piece. It is a time of very quiet contemplation. It is a time of great solace because even when you look in the mirror you are upset with the person you see. Dark circles that show the true us even through the façade that we manifested.

A façade is not good, truth even when it hurts is what each of us needs. We all go through patches of bad mixed with patches of good. WE ALL DO! No one’s life is perfect and even the best intentions end up hurting the intender or the intended. For some of the people that I love, and you know who you are, it is safer for me to pull away. I have said what I have said only to protect each of you. I have done things to try to bring you back from what shattered you only because I understand where you are, but this is the time that you and only YOU shall have to get on your hands and knees and feel your way towards the dim light in front of you. I am sorry that I could not be a better friend but this will be your dark time…. Just know that when you do call out my name, I will come back out of the shadows, pick you up, dust you off and hand you my hand and my flashlight. I love you all more than you know and know you can do this.

You can repair yourself and you need to fill your life with those that make you want to be an oak and wrap their arms around you for not themselves but for you. Be what YOU want! Do not shatter further! You can review all your sadness, remove all the falsities and start to see the light on your path. You will have to squint a bit but know that YOU CAN.

why?

why is it when someone is nice that we forget the mean horrible things that they have done to us and only think of the happy moments when those were so few and far between. is the comfort really worth all the hurt, pain and suffering in the long run ...or is it just that it is what we are used to and the other path is too dark to see?

that is the question that is perplexing me today and only because of the last 24 hours. My ex was here for the last 24 hours being overly sweet, being overly nice and in my current state making me think about the "us" that used to be. i met my ex in nov 2000 and we pretty much were attached at the hip since that point... well that was until last october when i found out that he had fallen for our roommate and had been in a relationship with her while i was living and working in LA to pay for the house that we bought. i committed to this man in every wifely aspect plus some that the good book doesn't talk about and at ever turn was treated like a child and a slave. the problem is that i know what to expect and today the devil was tempting me because he kept saying "youre lonely, he is still yours, just tell him and everything can be as it was".

well the devil is just that and the relationship was hell but when it came down to it, it isnt the man that i miss but the marriage, its the commitment to someone. having someone to hug and kiss and talk about your day, someone to cuddle up on the couch who looks at you with love in their eyes and cuddles up to you in bed each night. that is what i miss and worse i feel old.

i feel old because i feel like i spent the best years of my life with this ASS of a man and now I am not worth anything to anyone. feeling worthless is just as bad as feeling broken. and worse today is an empty house day, i do well for an hour or so but then the calamity that was just this morning with the roommates, the ex, the roommates kids and the mild drama and worse low end feeling.

its is my opinion that we all have five levels and in any case when more than one is out of whack then you feel some what outta whack. the five levels are family, friends, love, job and self. each can come into or out of the other, but in the long run you can put each problem into one category or the other. normally the only two that are okay at any given point are your friends and family. job, love and self can be in and out.

with me right now all three of those categories feel completely broken. my marriage is broken, there is no fixing it and as with any good person I blame myself when I did nothing wrong, I realize that, the decision to break the rules and lie to me was his own but why do i still feel like that is all i deserve? I dont deserve any better than an adulterous lying asshole. and worse it has broken my trust with all men, they all will be like him, they all will lie and hurt me and so i feel better alone, but then lonely, its a fucked up situation to say the least. because my love is out of whack, i feel my self is out of whack too. i am a very sweet, loving and caring person - only wanting any person in my life to be happy, have all that they want and all that they deserve. I have good karma and a guardian angel that has been watching over me for 12 years come tomorrow.

maybe that is the problem, tomorrow my dad, my parent will have been gone for 12 years. I light a candle each year on that day, his birthday and father's day. I still cry on his birthday and still cant look through father's day cards because i end up a huddle crying mess on the card aisle at target. my ex was good enough to look out for me on these days, he would make sure that i had something to do, something to get my mind off of the sadness and the loss and the memories. You think you get over losing someone but you never really do, especially when they were close to you. i regret certain things with my father but in the end we were reconnecting, we were becoming friends and then when i was 20 he was taken. my mother and i never had the relationship that my dad and i had. my mother never bonded with me the way a girl and her mother should and its sad beyond belief.

i just feel at this point at 32, almost 33, i have no time. no time to find someone that will love me and wants a family and wants to put it on a fast track. I feel like as a woman, I have to pick a very good man to have children with because if we do and he leaves, they will look at me to be strong. I have a very good friend and we have talked about how his son just wants to get him and his ex back together. The poor child cries for the want of a family and unfortunately there is nothing that can be done. She has made up her mind and for whatever reason the man and her son a a family are not important. But to tell this all to any guy on the first date screams "PSYCHO" but then when, being the picky type there normally isnt a second date.

so why? why do i feel what i do? what is the next step? should i give up and move forward with me, try a segregate and a frozen pop or is there someone out there for me? I have a business and a plan, I have a strategy to get the job back in order, do better on myself but then there are so many whys and I feel stuck in cement or worse tar, sinking yet still breathing, knowing that the end is near but not certain, I could be given a branch and pulled out but as the tar gets closer to my neck i just keep asking myself why?

i want a mechanic to fix my life

last night i sit on the couch with a friend that i have known for about 10 years but havent spent as much time with as i should. this friend produced a sadness and a longing for something that i have also not been unfamiliar with lately. the longing is fine and the sadness is fine, but combined the two create a dreary person the like that even hugs and hands cant take away. the mood was solemn for many and even with bouts of laughter and crude jokes the evening was still more filled with solace than i like at my parties.

since october of last year when i felt a portion of my own life came crumbling down upon my head, i have been trying to figure out what i want from life. what type of friends that i need, what kind of relationship would work and what type of person i would like to find and spend the rest of my life with. i am not in any way a temporary person. i like my traditions and keep to them regularly whether alone or in groups. i dont look at something and figure that once it leaves my life i can just replace it. this is with anything, i tend to spend a little extra money on quality and justly i am looking for that in my friends and relationships.

the problem is that i dont think people think that way anymore. by the way that this friend was speaking and overwhelmingly by the way a couple of friends have been talking it seems more people are of the 'buy cheap and throw it away' then find and buy quality. i dont know if it is life that is teaching us to be this way or if it is the people that we fill our lives with that make us frustrated about the worth of the situation.

on friday i spent the evening with another friend that is saying the same thing that i used as a descriptor for myself only a few months ago. this friend feels 'broken'. broken is defined in many ways as 1) reduced to fragments; fragmented, 2) ruptured; torn; fractured, 3) not functioning properly; out of working order, 4) fragmentary or incomplete, 5) infringed or violated, 6) interrupted, disrupted, or disconnected, 7) weakened in strength, spirit, etc., 8) disunited or divided, 9) not smooth; rough or irregular, 10) ruined; bankrupt. take one or all of these and to have a human describe themselves as such is nothing less than sad.

no one should feel broken, especially if another human being has made us feel this way. life is hard enough to go through on a daily basis that when one is miserable, it seems like in one way shape or form, all of us have something or someone making us feel this way. whether a relationship that has long past expired, a job that makes us want to call in more sick days then go in, friends that are not the counsel that a friend should be or family that makes us, even at our current age, feel more like children than the adults we proclaim to be.

my friends that are feeling such loss and feeling broken are also proclaiming to have 'given up' or 'dont think they can go through this again'. why do relationships make us feel so close and so distant at the same time? why do people hold onto things/people that they no longer want? why are we so scared of the truth with someone that we stay even when we feel we are walking into the depths of hell every time that we open the door? there are a lot of reasons.... fear, insecurities, etc. you pick what you want for your situation? find me a truly 100% happy person and i will give you everything that i own.

what worries me more are that these broken people are some of the cream of the crop in so many ways. now i know no one is perfect, we cant be, we werent made that way. regardless of what you believe it is hard to gain perfection in one's life. but to the broken i say make yourself a list, look at your situation and if any negative descriptors come to mind reevaluate, tell those that you love that you do even if the situation isnt ideal, because it may be longer to get to that ideal situation than you realize. life gives us ups and downs for a reason, with me its to trip me in my five inch heels but for other chose your cheesy metaphor. take a chance on the things that you want because all any of us is doing is getting older, perhaps wiser but definitely older and no one wants to looks back at their life with regrets of 'what if' or 'what could have been'.

regardless i wish you all happiness, love, companionship, wealth, health, liberty and happiness and for those that dont have it yet realize that YOU are the only mechanic in your life that can fix your brokenness however small or large it may be. blessed be.

this would be a blog......

it is halfway through september and still not a job in site. the market for insurance brokers is pretty much bust and so instead i have been working on some side projects including but not limited to my fashion design company, a brilliant business venture and miscellaneous other smaller inventions.

this is a time for new beginnings, reflections and change. it is a time to review ones life and make oneself the best person that you can be. no one is prefect but stop giving advice to others and heed your own.

in a conversation with a new old friend, we both reflected on past relationships and trying to make something out of nothing. i did it twice in the same twelve months. once with my future ex husband while trying to make a sinking ship seaworthy and one with what i saw was a bright and shining star that unfortunately gave no direction. back to the conversation that lasted far into the night and while yawning we decided to end it.

basically we cant figure out why good people seek or get attracted to people that dont see their good, dont see there future and dont see the wonderful person in front of them. its hard to make someone truly see you, regardless of your past or possible future a person sees what they want to see. sometimes its the whole truth and sometimes its a lie and sometimes, even worse, it is a combination of both.

the man that i fell for has become a boy. i know i know it should be the other way. all of us should go from the child to the adult but for some its harder than others. outside forces tell us that we should couple or not couple, that we should procreate or not and so on and so forth. for whatever reason i was two steps ahead of him. so like so many others i have cried my tears and are moving forward.

there are too many other things in the hopper right now to keep my head stuck on an effort forlorn. there were a couple of people that gave solace in this time. my best friend was a shoulder to cry on even though he himself was going through a tough time. my old-new friend going through something hard himself was a sounding board and countless others that saw my silly philosophical posts and texts gave their support.

and so in conclusion, the boy was set free and seeing fit i will quote some silly sayings that feel right and just in this moment. 'if you love something set it free, if it returns it was meant to be' and 'it is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved before' while adding my own 'if they cant see the wonderful person that you are, then they dont deserve you' and 'take each failure as a step in the right direction'.

i send this blog out to everyone, whether they are loved or unloved, coupled or single. You can only move forward and keep your fingers crossed but looking back for too long will cause you to trip into holes and miss new opportunities.

its nice to be someones guardian angel

a couple of weeks ago i met a soul in need of someone or something, i am unsure at the time what exactly it was, but regardless this person called out to me. i simply answered. i simply opened myself up to this person and listened to them as they yo yoed up and down the twisted string of life. this soul was hurting, hurting much like i had done only a few months earlier. i could feel the same pain, i could feel the same ache and i could feel the same hurt that i had had only a short time before.

i had a friend, a true friend pull me out of this funk, tell me what i needed to hear and let me know that i was the number one person in my life. it was only right that i pay it forward. that i give the same advise that was given to me. that i hold out the same hand to help them off the ground and to give the same shoulder and allow the tears to flow.

this man had so much hurt from the people that shouldnt hurt at all, that shouldnt put you through pain. he needed a way out. we have talked for the last couple of weeks sharing things and getting very close. me thinking that perhaps he could be mine but then it happened. the other day i told him to pack up, that he needed to get out of the house of hatred and lies, that he needed a 'spa' weekend. i picked him up in victimville, took him to santa ana to get his son and then i met her. what an angel and a devil all at the same time and for reasons that only another girl can ever comprehend.

regardless i realized something, that this man needed this angel. on the drive from santa ana to my house we talked, we shared and i told him he was already half way there. with all his belongings already in my car he could just call her and make the next step. someone needed to push him because they were meant for each other, they already had a son, it was so easy.

now the rest is history and he is back where he belongs and now i know how it feels to be someone guardian angel

i think i found perfection

do you ever think wow. i mean wow. do you ever meet someone and have such an instant connection that you dont think your life will ever be right again if that person were to leave it.... and at the same time think that it couldnt be any better than it is now.

through random circumstances i think i have found perfection. a heart in the same shape as mine but not. a soul in the same shape as mine but slightly different. the connection we have right now is so strong that it is causing constant thought on both ends. the phrases that we say to each other are way to early but yet said with confidence, care and truth.

the whole thing is like a hollywood romantic comedy. a really good one, that the two people connect and you think cheese. they fall in love and you think it couldnt happen like that. they commit to each other and you think it doesnt really work that way. they spend eternity in one night and you wish it would or could happen to you.

it is starting out that like that and i am loving each step. the conflict between the heart and the mind. which is an ever struggle to all anyways. it is baby stepping and a child running with scissors all at the same time. I never would have thought it. i never would have believed it but i think i found perfection

how to cope when you feel lost

today was a weird day. that is the easiest way to describe today, weird.

yesterday was a good day, even with him unhappy and sick, yesterday was a good day. a day where i made homemade banana nut bread, got a window fixed, had a great nap and took my time to smile. yesterday was a good day, when i saw him, he asked if i missed him and i said yes. when as we were getting to his car he gave me the sweetest kiss and looked into my eyes. a day where a nice dinner and a little conversation made me smile and not feel so lonely. yesterday was a good day and it ended in a good way with shivers and tingles. yesterday was a good day.

today was weird. at about nine this morning, i expected him to show up. he made a promise and he was supposed to be here. we were supposed to do all the things that i am bound to do with him. still bound because i have to be not because i want to be. he isnt the same person anymore. we have both changed and as a couple we pulled away from each other. today was weird.

i have two males in my life right now.

a new man that i can tell the truth to. its not the whole truth because we havent swapped life stories, but that comes with time. no one wants to know the whole story anyways but we share as any new relationship goes. like a flower on its journey to from a bud to a bloom, each petal opening when the warm light shines on it. when the water rushes from it roots to the veins of its inner being. as the two combine then the life, the essence is given to the plant. that photo thingy that creates life in the flower allows it to bloom and flourish. each petal a true magnificent miracle. if you dont think it is the perfect analogy for a new relationship, then please send me a note but that is the way i see it. he is a lot of silly things that i want. his eyes and his hair, his rugged features, his strength, his care, his gentility, his genuineness, his truth and his thinking. even though he is much younger. even though i am not sure, i am okay with spending more time getting to know him and being with him. i have been looking for one with certain attributes and qualities which he has. as long as we continue down this path, i feel that we can be okay. i dont want to jinx anything. i have done that in the past, put too much thought into things and come out perplexed, frustrated and unhappy. i am okay with letting the chips fall where they may and the grains of sand pass through the hourglass without shaking it to make them flow faster. he was my yesterday and my yesterday was good.

there is another man in my life. one i can no longer trust. one that i can no longer look at with the innocence that i once had. one that betrayed our relationship by kissing another woman. the one rule i stood fast on as the kiss is the passion of a relationship. he didnt understand that him kissing her was so much worse than anything else he could do to me. he still doesnt because 'it was only kissing and hugging, i didnt fuck her'. the statement still chimes through my head and when i look at him it is with disgust these days. he was the one that was supposed to be here today, we had things to take care of. we had things that we had to do.

and so today was weird. i got up late because i went to bed late. i climbed into my chair and opened the computer to check email. my roommate came in and asked me to come chill with him and the kids for the morning. it was fun, picking them up, heading through wal-mart with a quick trip to see the fish, the toys and the movies. off to lunch and then home for a quick change and the park with bubbles and kite flying. more time with the kids.

i enjoy spending time with the kids and with D. it was the life that i wanted. a family and watching the kids run around and have fun. simplicity is key and D and i have fun. a little sun and some fresh air and then drama. because he wasnt there when we got home like he was supposed to be. a simple text wondering where he was. we were trying to plan the evening, continuing the time with the kids, aidan had gotten stars and we were going to go to see the giant rat and his cheese. all i asked was where he was and it was as if i started a fire. it was simple to answer the question but then there was this drama.

the drama that caused me to cry under my glasses. the things that he said and the hurt in his words. i dont understand him. i thought we were done but then i get this. i dont know him anymore. he still flaunts her in my face and yet he still cares. talk about two different things. talk about two different ideas. i dont know what to think anymore, i dont know if he does or he doesnt because he puts priority on the dumbest things. the dumbest things.

tomorrow all could be lost but love remains. if the world blew up and there wasnt cell phones and television and cars and debt there would still be love. love and trust is the most important things to me. when you get to the point of telling someone that you love them, then you put blinders on. the only person in your sights is that person, yes its old fashioned but then so am i.

i was taught to take care of my man. i was taught that the woman knows how to cook and how to love and she gets the slippers at the end of the night. i know it is anti-feminist but then it is old fashioned and sometimes i return to that way of thinking. it has worked for my grandparents and they just hit seventy-five years together. seventy-five years, i dont even think they have a metal for that. that mixed with a little bit of my mother makes me me. it makes me want to find someone that will take care of me the way i take care of others. someone that really cares but then maybe not. maybe its easier to take what i want and get out before it gets too complicated, like so many other girls do.

well i cant be one of those girls. i cant have people in my life that i care about and not give them everything that they need. its just that simple, like making promises and keeping them. but when you feel lost, you feel like everything is different. not weird, not bad nor good, just different. how does one cope? well this one goes to visit the people that she knows care about her, that she knows will always be there. those are family and when i feel lost i cope by visiting them.

you take stock, listen to your livestock so to say. you get with people that look in your eyes and know when you are miserable, not just look at the fake smile on your face. so i will pack up my clothes and my computer, some chick flicks and my camera and i will get away for a little while. I will spend time with my family and my adopted family. I will allow my feeling of being lost to come through and actually be real for a little while. whether i cry or i laugh or i just give in. i will find solace in my family and cope while i feel lost.