I think I figured it out, this new dance that I am trying to dance. It’s not like the first dance that I danced, the one that I kept my eyes closed so tight and pulled him so close to me hoping that he would never push me away.
But the truth is that they all push you away, they all open their eyes and stop in the middle of the song to walk away from their dance partner. Some are kind enough to wait until the end of the song, thank their partner for the dance and gently walk off the dance floor. Others step on their partners toes, blame their partner for not knowing the steps or plain walk away in the middle of the song. Either way the partner left on the dance floor reacts in many different ways.
My last dance partner walked out in the middle of the song. Course I didn’t like the song that was playing and was having a problem dancing to it anymore but I was still determined to try to dance the entire song. That is what you do when you say “yes” to the dance; you dance until the song stops. Even if the song isn’t one you like, not every song played on any jukebox is one that you may like but you have patience that a song you like will come on soon. “Soon” you say to yourself, calming yourself down and counting to ten “soon”.
It has been now eighteen months since that dance ended and when my partner walked away from me on the dance floor. After that half dance I admit falling to the floor for some months and the music sounding like a bunch of Charlie Brown’s teachers’ voices in a debate. The muffled noises of the feet of other happy couples dancing around me while I sat on the floor sobbing, trying to catch my breath. The whole thing sucked, truthfully sucked. I knew the song was bad, the rhythm was wrong and that I wasn’t closing my eyes nearly as tight as years before, I knew but I would have thanked my partner for the dance. I would have never let their hands go and just walked away from them. Regardless you just don’t do that to a partner, you don’t.
You would think that getting back on the dance floor would be the first step but really it’s the last. The first step is standing up and being able to walk off the dance floor. This step takes a lot more time than one would think as instinct is really to drag oneself off the dance floor. Dragging does nothing but snags your clothes and hurt your hands so you really need to be able to stand up and walk off. With a walk off you keep a little bit of self dignity which is needed or you will never be able to look yourself in the eyes in a mirror. So standing and walking off the dance floor is key.
The second step is reorganizing yourself which metaphorically means a lot of time in the bathroom. My bathroom was really just one with a big mirror. A mirror that I could look in and try to see myself again, the real me not the one that I had become learning a dance I didn’t want to dance. To a point during the dance I felt like a vampire when it came to my mirror in the bathroom. I was invisible to myself and when you are invisible to yourself how can you look yourself in the eyes. When you look in the mirror you have to know that you look good, psych yourself up, tell yourself all the things you need to hear to be able to fix your face, adjust your clothes and walk out of the bathroom. I think personally this stage is the most personal, the longest and the one most needed. If you can’t look yourself in the mirror, you aren’t happy with who you are.
Third step is walking out the door, as most ‘ladies’ room have couches and nice décor, it can feel like home. But it is not home and while it may feel comfortable the last thing you want to do is consider your bathroom your new home. So opening the door, and getting the hell out of there is a step.
Now you have to make your way back to the dance floor, also known as step four. Step four is different for all; some of us hold walls up, some take a seat at the bar and allow for a little liquid courage and some find a comfortable chair and try to get their moves back in some type of order. Regardless the place you set yourself on the dance floor, the point is that you are there and ready to find a worthy dance partner.
Just like any dance you have all type asks you to dance. You chit chat for a bit, decide whether or not to hit the dance floor and actually dance or say ‘thanks’ for the punch and resume your position. Sometimes you dance one song, sometimes you don’t. It’s all up to you, the song playing and the potential partner extending their hand to you.
I think I met mine, I think… In a weird turn of events I have met someone that I wrote about. Yes while I was sitting, I was doodling my wants for a dance partner from the guys that came by to chit chat. Each one a potential dance partner, but somehow it didn’t work out the way I wanted. Maybe it was me, maybe it was them but regardless not of them men that I wanted to dance with. My napkin was filled with little wants, little hopes and little dreams for a future dance partner and with each potential partner that was a ‘not’ a little more doodling got added to my napkin.
My new potential dance partner is someone that I really want to pull close, follow his lead and close my eyes tight, but I am scared. The last time I wasn’t scared to get on the dance floor, if anything I was optimistic of how many dances were to come and how I would get better and better dancing with him. This time the dance floor scares me so much. Instead of walking on the dance floor hand in hand and placing my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes and letting him lead me across the dance floor…. Instead I walk hand in hand with him and keep my hand on his shoulder, his eyes in my glaze and occasionally look at the floor to make sure that the steps are correct.
It’s not that first dance but it will never be that first dance again because of what the last partner did and I hate that. It was my last partner that ruined me for my next and while you should never compare one partner to the next, it is understandable that we all do. We ALL do. Depending on how we got hurt, or how we hurt, we compare. To quote a friend “we compare or else how do we know when we have better”. This statement I totally understand being an optimist and praying that the ‘best is yet to come’ which only keeps me from crying myself to sleep on some nights…..some nights. But the realist in me has met many more horrible people than I have good, even been on the horrible end myself, I said I was a realist, not a liar!
This guy is different; we seem so alike even in the ‘scared’ department. We have both been hurt and while mine was a long-term heartbreak – his was more a couple of heartbreakers. Either way our first dance is with hands on shoulders and waists, looking into each other’s eyes. Trying to figure out the next move or if we are still scared and want to run off the dance floor. The problem is that I can’t hear the music with him, the music is so quiet that I hear more of my heartbeat and his breathing during our dance. Our pulses are quick and our smiles are bright and we can’t take our eyes off of each other, which I don’t think either of us can figure out. We watch each other, both being kind, both being graceful, both not wanting to leave the dance floor but weary of the slow dance with the heads on shoulders and the eyes closed.
Right now I am okay dancing with him, letting him feel my hands on his shoulders and retaining his gaze. Smiling at him and watching his smile match his eyes back at me. Knowing certain things about him I have never felt more safe, more cared about and more respected but on the other end I worry about leaving the dance floor. I don’t want to leave the dance floor; I want to pull him close, put my head on his shoulder and whisper dreams of the next dance in his ear without him losing his steps and stepping on my toes or dropping my hands and walking away.
I guess since this dance isn’t as idealistic as the first dance I am allowed to be scared, I am allowed to feel a bit of anxiety as each dance slows to the end, but then so can he. At least I have a partner that wants to dance, at least I have a partner that understands my anxiety and at least I am back on the dance floor. Now to get to the point of closing my eyes tight, wrapping my arms around his neck and placing my head on his shoulder. I think we can get there, I hope we can get there and I want to get there but for now this dance is nice, better than my first dance ever could have been and the blue eyes that I gaze into are my safety. The light I see in those eyes gives me hope, allows me to trust and makes me feel cared for more than I have in a very, very long time….. and so we dance. The next song will come and together we will talk it through whether we decide to dance or we decide to leave the floor, my only hope is that we do it together…
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