The New Dance

I think I figured it out, this new dance that I am trying to dance. It’s not like the first dance that I danced, the one that I kept my eyes closed so tight and pulled him so close to me hoping that he would never push me away.

But the truth is that they all push you away, they all open their eyes and stop in the middle of the song to walk away from their dance partner. Some are kind enough to wait until the end of the song, thank their partner for the dance and gently walk off the dance floor. Others step on their partners toes, blame their partner for not knowing the steps or plain walk away in the middle of the song. Either way the partner left on the dance floor reacts in many different ways.

My last dance partner walked out in the middle of the song. Course I didn’t like the song that was playing and was having a problem dancing to it anymore but I was still determined to try to dance the entire song. That is what you do when you say “yes” to the dance; you dance until the song stops. Even if the song isn’t one you like, not every song played on any jukebox is one that you may like but you have patience that a song you like will come on soon. “Soon” you say to yourself, calming yourself down and counting to ten “soon”.

It has been now eighteen months since that dance ended and when my partner walked away from me on the dance floor. After that half dance I admit falling to the floor for some months and the music sounding like a bunch of Charlie Brown’s teachers’ voices in a debate. The muffled noises of the feet of other happy couples dancing around me while I sat on the floor sobbing, trying to catch my breath. The whole thing sucked, truthfully sucked. I knew the song was bad, the rhythm was wrong and that I wasn’t closing my eyes nearly as tight as years before, I knew but I would have thanked my partner for the dance. I would have never let their hands go and just walked away from them. Regardless you just don’t do that to a partner, you don’t.

You would think that getting back on the dance floor would be the first step but really it’s the last. The first step is standing up and being able to walk off the dance floor. This step takes a lot more time than one would think as instinct is really to drag oneself off the dance floor. Dragging does nothing but snags your clothes and hurt your hands so you really need to be able to stand up and walk off. With a walk off you keep a little bit of self dignity which is needed or you will never be able to look yourself in the eyes in a mirror. So standing and walking off the dance floor is key.

The second step is reorganizing yourself which metaphorically means a lot of time in the bathroom. My bathroom was really just one with a big mirror. A mirror that I could look in and try to see myself again, the real me not the one that I had become learning a dance I didn’t want to dance. To a point during the dance I felt like a vampire when it came to my mirror in the bathroom. I was invisible to myself and when you are invisible to yourself how can you look yourself in the eyes. When you look in the mirror you have to know that you look good, psych yourself up, tell yourself all the things you need to hear to be able to fix your face, adjust your clothes and walk out of the bathroom. I think personally this stage is the most personal, the longest and the one most needed. If you can’t look yourself in the mirror, you aren’t happy with who you are.

Third step is walking out the door, as most ‘ladies’ room have couches and nice décor, it can feel like home. But it is not home and while it may feel comfortable the last thing you want to do is consider your bathroom your new home. So opening the door, and getting the hell out of there is a step.

Now you have to make your way back to the dance floor, also known as step four. Step four is different for all; some of us hold walls up, some take a seat at the bar and allow for a little liquid courage and some find a comfortable chair and try to get their moves back in some type of order. Regardless the place you set yourself on the dance floor, the point is that you are there and ready to find a worthy dance partner.

Just like any dance you have all type asks you to dance. You chit chat for a bit, decide whether or not to hit the dance floor and actually dance or say ‘thanks’ for the punch and resume your position. Sometimes you dance one song, sometimes you don’t. It’s all up to you, the song playing and the potential partner extending their hand to you.

I think I met mine, I think… In a weird turn of events I have met someone that I wrote about. Yes while I was sitting, I was doodling my wants for a dance partner from the guys that came by to chit chat. Each one a potential dance partner, but somehow it didn’t work out the way I wanted. Maybe it was me, maybe it was them but regardless not of them men that I wanted to dance with. My napkin was filled with little wants, little hopes and little dreams for a future dance partner and with each potential partner that was a ‘not’ a little more doodling got added to my napkin.

My new potential dance partner is someone that I really want to pull close, follow his lead and close my eyes tight, but I am scared. The last time I wasn’t scared to get on the dance floor, if anything I was optimistic of how many dances were to come and how I would get better and better dancing with him. This time the dance floor scares me so much. Instead of walking on the dance floor hand in hand and placing my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes and letting him lead me across the dance floor…. Instead I walk hand in hand with him and keep my hand on his shoulder, his eyes in my glaze and occasionally look at the floor to make sure that the steps are correct.

It’s not that first dance but it will never be that first dance again because of what the last partner did and I hate that. It was my last partner that ruined me for my next and while you should never compare one partner to the next, it is understandable that we all do. We ALL do. Depending on how we got hurt, or how we hurt, we compare. To quote a friend “we compare or else how do we know when we have better”. This statement I totally understand being an optimist and praying that the ‘best is yet to come’ which only keeps me from crying myself to sleep on some nights…..some nights. But the realist in me has met many more horrible people than I have good, even been on the horrible end myself, I said I was a realist, not a liar!

This guy is different; we seem so alike even in the ‘scared’ department. We have both been hurt and while mine was a long-term heartbreak – his was more a couple of heartbreakers. Either way our first dance is with hands on shoulders and waists, looking into each other’s eyes. Trying to figure out the next move or if we are still scared and want to run off the dance floor. The problem is that I can’t hear the music with him, the music is so quiet that I hear more of my heartbeat and his breathing during our dance. Our pulses are quick and our smiles are bright and we can’t take our eyes off of each other, which I don’t think either of us can figure out. We watch each other, both being kind, both being graceful, both not wanting to leave the dance floor but weary of the slow dance with the heads on shoulders and the eyes closed.

Right now I am okay dancing with him, letting him feel my hands on his shoulders and retaining his gaze. Smiling at him and watching his smile match his eyes back at me. Knowing certain things about him I have never felt more safe, more cared about and more respected but on the other end I worry about leaving the dance floor. I don’t want to leave the dance floor; I want to pull him close, put my head on his shoulder and whisper dreams of the next dance in his ear without him losing his steps and stepping on my toes or dropping my hands and walking away.

I guess since this dance isn’t as idealistic as the first dance I am allowed to be scared, I am allowed to feel a bit of anxiety as each dance slows to the end, but then so can he. At least I have a partner that wants to dance, at least I have a partner that understands my anxiety and at least I am back on the dance floor. Now to get to the point of closing my eyes tight, wrapping my arms around his neck and placing my head on his shoulder. I think we can get there, I hope we can get there and I want to get there but for now this dance is nice, better than my first dance ever could have been and the blue eyes that I gaze into are my safety. The light I see in those eyes gives me hope, allows me to trust and makes me feel cared for more than I have in a very, very long time….. and so we dance. The next song will come and together we will talk it through whether we decide to dance or we decide to leave the floor, my only hope is that we do it together…

Certain realizations coming to light

Here I am, laying on the couch alone, watching a movie that I haven’t seen in years. A movie, that really makes no difference the title or the actors but the scene, that caused me to blubber more than I have in a long, long time. The movie has a scene where the husband is in a coma from a stroke and his wife is sitting and touching his hand. She grabs his hand and places it to her face in a familiar touch that shows her love from him. Even though she moves his hand and smiles because it is possibly the last time.

Recently I realized that I was coming to the end of something. The end of something, that took not a year of my life but ten years of my life. I am now 33 years old and I gave up a decade to someone and walked out of it worse for wear and to a point more broken than I was at 19. At 19 I had someone lie to me and cause my body and mental health serious harm. A person that I totally blocked out what he looked like, what he smelled like and even him name. To a point I don’t remember much about my 19 year old accident but my 24 years old mistake, I will never forget this man.

I realize that he has made me worse for wear because I don’t trust. I mean I trust a bit, I trust that someone isn’t gonna lie to me, but apparently if I answered that way on a personality test that would make me gullible. Well, tell me something that I don’t know. People have always known I was gullible, fuck it, I don’t really care. To a point fool me once, etc., etc., etc… blah blah de blah blah!! I can’t change that, I trust what people say. If I didn’t the negativity would take over my mind and make me like my mother. And while I love my mother I don’t wanna be like her. Queen of the Negative but then when you are the only Sagittarius (Dreamer/Optimist) in the family encompassed by Virgos, Scorpios and Capricorns, well you’re fucked, FUCKED I tell you!

But I try to keep my head up, I always have. My family is my family but my friends are worth more to me, especially my brother. Never knew that I would have someone that I connected with so well. And this isn’t a connection that is bombarded by any of that silly LOVE stuff. That silly LOVE stuff confuses more than anything but regardless is the topic that I will get back to in this blog after I finish this tangent. My brother has no blood connection to me, but the mental connection that we have is freaky. We think alike, we calm each other down, we are each other’s cheerleader when we need and more often than not each other’s shrink. Regardless I will be holding this man’s hand when we are in our last breathes because as his children have adopted me, I consider him blood.

My brother is the reason that my dumb ass is still alive. You may laugh and chuckle but truthfully with the SHIT that I dealt with last year and the year before, I am really surprised that I am here. When I was feeling as down in the dirt as I was there was two people that picked me back up. My brother was physically there, taking me out, inviting me along and making me laugh so hard that my sides hurt for days. I couldn’t thank him enough and will be there for him for the rest of our lives. The other was a sister that I still haven’t met, a woman of great strength and unsurpassed wisdom, an old soul. I miss her and really should give her a call soon for I have slacked on my friend duties with her.

Now back to the main reason for this blog. I sit watching this scene, the last in the movie. Explaining the great love between the man and this woman that he has loved since the moment that he saw her and I began to think. Is love at first site still possible at my age? Not that I am in old age, but I am not young either. My ideals have grown and matured in some ways but have been dwarfed in others. Love is a very foreign thing to me. It has been a while since I asked someone to spend the night and see me in all my *cough cough* natural beauty in the morning. It has been longer since I actually cared to do things for someone that weren’t in a bit selfishly motivated. But truthfully I am just absolutely completely scared of the whole thing.

Not that I need to describe love as anything fanciful. I mean it was so much more that when I was young, ideal to a point. But now with the things I have learned and the things that have learned me, love is well….. I don’t know how to describe it. To a point love is like money, when you have it you don’t fully appreciate it – thinking that it will always be there and when you don’t have it - it’s all you think about. Like a lot of other things I am playing on the love teeter-totter. When I decide to go up and perhaps try to think about a person or a relationship or a maybe situation and then its comes back down and I shake my head at the whole stupid silly fanciful goofy funny LOVE thing.

The teeter-totter sucks! Plain and simple, I don’t like playing the game with others let alone with myself. My mind is in a contact ebb and flow with the funny LOVE stuff. I keep asking questions of myself: Am I ready? Has it been long enough? Will I find another like the last? What do I want from a relationship? When is the right timeline? Is there a timeline? What are the rules? Are there rules? Isn’t it better to be myself or am I supposed to follow the rules? And those are just a few of the questions I am asking myself, worse so are the ones that I think about when I actually am getting to know someone….

When you can’t figure yourself out and then you try to get to know someone else the questions get worse, so so much worse. I don’t even want to go through them but the basics are how one shows themselves off. We all try to portray ourselves in the best light. We tell people what we feel comfortable with. I am not yet divorced, technically haven’t even filed but I am close. Stupid state and county guidelines are the only thing holding me back right now. I explain who I am as who I want to be… height, hair color, eye color, style, likes and dislikes, body shape etc, etc, etc.

You get from the other person what they want to tell you. The problem is when the story doesn’t match up or worse when you see the whole thing like a murder mystery. I think personally it is my conspiracy driven over thinking mind. But then I was lied to for the past decade by more people than I can count on my fingers and my toes. Yup, definitely sucks to be me, but truthfully I am getting over it. Gotta just count your blessings that you have what’s left of your mind and can recoup to a mild version of your former self. Hopefully a better version from the worse version that I was but it’s all a process of time and re-evaluation.

And in the re-evaluation process I realize that I really want someone to protect and be protected by, I want that partner, the one that we can make special little gestures to that only you and he know. The one that comes up behind you and before they touch you, you know its them because of their smell, step and sense. I think I may have found one, but more scared than not I tread lightly. I slowly try to interrupt the signs that he gives me and that I give him but the connection is undeniable.

I admit that I look at each situation with a much more defining eye than when I was younger. When I was younger most of us had little baggage, enough to carry on the plane of love; simple, small and very well organized. Nowadays a decade or so later, we can barely carry our baggage with a car let alone a truck. We size people up and figure out if what they are showing is what we like or not, what we can deal with or not and what we can see in our lives for the short, medium and possibly long haul. Each one of us has certain attractions, certain requirements, certain wants and needs, and certain “hell no” circumstances. We have no time to smell the roses let alone truly get to know someone. We do everything online so much so that if it takes more than a second to load a page we are bitching at our keyboards and computer screens.

Life has become so fast paced that we even meet people online. We can have whole conversations with someone in another country and never meet them but we can’t venture out our front doors to meet someone that we wanna have an actual relationship. I know why I do it, online I have control, mild but still control. I found the newest one online or technically he found me. My worry is his own heart, his own mind and his own readiness. After one year of reconfiguring myself after my break-up with my husband and kicking his dumb ass out of my heart let alone my house. I know that will all of the experiences that I went through last year that I ready to actually focus on finding that one, being ready for that one, or as ready as I can be now. I am ready, the question is “is he”?

What is REALLY the next step now?

It’s that “ut oh” feeling that just sucks. The “what the hell did I do” and “can I fix it” that starts swimming through my head. I don’t care what anyone else says but I feel like a little kid. I feel like my hand has just been spanked and somehow that makes me feel scared and stupid all at the same time.

It was different when I was younger. I admit that. The whole thing was different and it seemed so much easier. To a point I had nothing to lose when I was younger. I had NOTHING to lose because I had so much to gain from any situation. But now after one try and monumental failure in my book, I feel like perhaps it isn’t worth the try. Not because the end result it isn’t worth it but because perhaps I am not ready to try.

My monumental failure wasn’t my fault. When you truly don’t know the person you committed yourself to and they do nothing but lie to you, how exactly do you do the right thing? You do the thing you THINK is right based on what you heard them say. And yes I said what “you heard” them say. Life is all about our interpretation of another person’s words. That is what makes the game ‘telephone’ so funny when we are kids but the same is true. I heard him/her say this and the more you repeat it the more it gets distorted. The more warped it becomes and the more emotional some, yes SOME of us get through the entire situation.

I realized this after I had a conversation with my ex the other day. I have realized I have grown past my last relationship. As much as it has damaged me in certain areas of trust and future outlook, I have grown past it. I made a bad decision by pursuing him in a relationship. I made a bad choice for my first husband in more ways than one. I looked at him as forever and he never returned that look. But then I don’t start a relationship saying to myself that this relationship is going to be (fill in the blank). That this relationship is going to last (so long) or will be a (this type of) relationship or that I will (or will not) get bored. I just don’t and if you are a person that does, sorry but SHAME ON YOU.

When I was searching for my partner in life that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted someone that saw me for who I am and wanted me for just that. My attributes and my faults is what make up me. To change or alter any one of them and I lose who I am. And truthfully that is what happened with my last relationship. Looking back, it has been just under two years since I stop wearing my wedding ring. I stopped wearing it because I felt my relationship was over. I cried and I tried to discuss what I was feeling with my spouse, but like every other situation where I was sad or depressed he walked away from me. That created a change to my list.

My list is pretty simple. I don’t care about what someone looks like, how much money someone makes or what they do. Don’t get me wrong, a mild change to any of these can create a more than mild change in your life but truthfully I was looking for a foundation to grow on. A foundation to build on and I needed a sturdy one more than a glamorous house on a shitty foundation. Blame my step-father in construction for the building/house analogies.

My list started out with things like smarts, attraction, wit, sense of humor, outlook on life, family dynamic, sexual attraction and wants in a partner. I realized that certain things were more important than others. I used to ask a guy three questions when I met them at a bar and yes most of them got met at a bar. I would ask three funny questions to them but for me they described a man’s own drive. It was what they did, what they drove and where they lived. You would be surprised what these three things tell about a person.

At the time, I lived on my own with roommates, I worked a decent job and owned a car that got me from point A to point B. I expected that of someone that I dated. I expected that if they were a certain age that they could drive to a date or a weekend away. I expected that they could pay their bills because I paid mine. I expected that they were old enough to not live with their parents any longer. Basically that they were in the process of becoming an adult and life is just that a process. We all partied when we were younger, we all drank a little too much, didn’t remember what we did the night before or woke up somewhere we didn’t remember getting to. We all have and if you haven’t well then you haven’t truly lived and you will be upset with yourself when you are old and gray.

You would think I was happier with the guy that said he owned his place; drove an expensive car and had a fabulous job but actually that scared me. I was nowhere near ready for a man like that when I was in the fundamental stages of becoming me, truly figuring out what I wanted and what I needed for my life to be happy. The guys that I was attracted to were the ones that lived on their own with roommates and drove a decent car and had a decent job.

Guys that were like me and guys that were in the same process that I was. I wanted similarities, things to talk about, things in common but things that were different. I didn’t want them to be exactly like me, I wanted a different outlook on life, a different way to deal with conflicts and a different way to spend time. Then if it worked in time they met the parents. It’s scary how few ever met or spent time with either my parents or family. I think to this day there have only been enough to count on one hand. It’s because my family is the last step in the process and they are the ones that want me most happy.

My friends are the over critical ones, they will rip up and down a new person in my life. My friends know more about my relationship or lack thereof with my ex. My friends are my protectors and know who I am and what I may be overlooking with a potential partner. They are also the ones that I confide in to make sure I don’t screw up. Go too far and hurt someone or worse put myself in harm’s way. My best friends are more like siblings and they know who they are. They truly want me happy and will protect me through thick and thin after what I let myself go through in the past. We have all laughed and cried together, we have talked about what could, may and will happen. Some have been friends for decades and some are relatively new to my life but the care I feel for them is equal to the care they feel for me and I am blessed to have them in my life.

I love my parents but they gave my hand to a man whose concern was not to protect me. My ex’s concern was always himself, to protect himself and to do what he wanted. I know this because even his friends have said that they were “sorry”. They are sorry that they didn’t know what was going on, couldn’t help more, even to a point of sorry for the introduction in the first place. I appreciate their apologies but it wasn’t their fault. Each of them wanted my happiness and to them I seemed happy. I myself thought I was happy, I thought it was going to work out, I thought we would be together until the end of our lives… this was and is not the case.

Because of this last relationship, I am protecting myself as well as trying to get myself back. For this I have added to my list and have gotten more protective of my heart, not less. I have made the decision that I prefer to be alone and happy than give everything to someone that isn’t willing to give anything to me. And although my trust will be given in waves of varying heights, I will give it. I will put myself out there and try to find someone right for me. My list has expanded to include the following:
• Never give more than is being given to you, this may take longer to figure out than you realize but don’t NOT give of yourself to someone either.
• Never be jealous, it is insecurity in disguise.
• Never say something that requires an instant apology.
• Never walk away from someone you love that is hurting. Even if you don’t know what to say to them to bring them back out of their sadness, walking away shows lack of care.
• Always show care.
• Always look someone in the eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul and by not looking you may miss something that you need to know or feel from them.
• Always give what you want given in return. If you don’t show someone what you want, how will they know you want it.
• Never take the first step with someone you aren’t willing to walk a mile with.
• Never get instantly mad, it will cause more harm than good. Take a moment, count to ten and don’t come out with your boxing gloves on, it will just lead to bruises and other pains.
• Always listen to both sides of the story, if you are open to the whole story your relationship will be better in the short and the long run.
• Be protective, be caring and be willing to try, if you aren’t you shouldn’t be dating, in a relationship or otherwise.
• Don’t close your eyes to any possibility. Closing your eyes does just that both physically and metaphorically.
• Ask questions and don’t interpret someone as you may be wrong of their intentions.
• Take care with another’s hearts it is no less important than your own.
• Accept a person for who they are, what they have and where they are going with their life. People are not clay and it is not our job to mold them into something that we want.
• Look for the good things in the relationship, keeping positive is not stupid but looking for the negative will bring just that into it.

I realized through all of the hurt that my last relationship caused to myself, my heart, my family, my friends and my soul that without that I wouldn’t be where I am. As much as it will not get any better, that it is over and that I have not been deterred in the process but that my eyes are more open to the possibility of finding a right person for me. To find someone that will take my hand in theirs with gentle care and in the long run do the same with my heart.

Yes, I am scared but I am not hiding anymore, for I will not gain anything from hiding. Yes, I will put my true self out there. Yes, I will not play games. Yes, I will be me for I like me and if someone doesn’t like me then they don’t deserve me. As much as I have used this quote in the past, it is from a woman that lived her life and even with her sad death is still idolized for her smile. “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” — Marilyn Monroe. Regardless I now know I am ready.

Why am I not tired?

It has been a long time since I was sitting on my couch willing my brain to turn off and let my body go to sleep. A very long time. If I remember correctly it was the first night that I found out my husband of 5+ years was cheating on me (and fell in love) with a woman that I trusted and called friend. That was a night of shear contemplation and lots of different emotions. That was a SHITTY night.

Tonight I sit up for different reasons, more than to do with feelings than thoughts. I have some great people that I am worrying about. Some people that are going through hard times, unsure of what the future holds, broken by people they loved as well as this great economy that we live in. It has been hard for all, whether you have a job or not, a relationship or not, a child or not, a life or not, a (fill in the blank here) or not. Too much to think about, too too much to think about but yet here I sit with my head flowing with people I love and the stresses, drama and problems that they are dealing with.

It is hard to watch someone you love hurt, suffer or feel lost. I have always held my friends in my hand, wanted every possible happiness for them as long as it was a healthy happiness. As long as the path they were traveling was toward light and not toward darkness. But so few can see the light sometimes, the path is so dim because it is covered with trees. And worse is when you can’t see the path in any way around you and you just sit down, feel broken and cry.

I sit and worry while I keep silent. Sometimes you just have to do that, as much as you may love someone you have to go silent. Fade into the darkness until they call for you. Speaking when a friend is lost, broken, unhappy, etc. can be one of the worst things. You can, in your compassion, actually cause more harm than good. Especially through emails and texts - the greatest things being words are interpreted by the reader how the reader sees fit. You may have the greatest intentions and yet even on a normal day words and their intentions can be read wrong. One of my favorite people complained of this just the other day during a visit, he shook his head at a text message and paused before replying back to it for some time to insure he was not mean because he took said text as such. All of this reminds me of a great quote which says “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” - Samuel Johnson, 1775.

Is it a bad thing to walk away from a friend when they may seem at their weakest point, perhaps… I was very very weak last year. I was broken and suicidal. I had no faith in people and while it was not my fault, which I realize only now, at certain points I did need to been alone. I needed to get on my hands and knees and feel out my path in the darkness. My path had turned from light to darkness in a second, and gave me no sense in any direction of which way to move. It was a very scary time for me, but also a time of great growth, great review and great reorganization.

My perception of my life was very different than others perception of my life. I realized that I protected my husband, I gave into his wants even when they were not my own, I let him say and do horrible things to me and all while instantly forgiving him. I let him break me, I let him change me, and I let him warp my mind and my morals. I gave so much to him because he was my husband and because in my mind once you marry you don’t walk away. There are vows that were taken, implied or said they had been ingrained in me since I was little. I picked him and I was going to make it work even if I was a shell of a person I was going to try and try and try my hardest to make him happy.

As horrible as it was to find out what was happening in my house and right under my nose, it was him doing it, not me, NOT ME! A relationship only works if both people work at it, if both people accept to progress down the path of life together, hand-in-hand and relying on each other each time one of you shall stumble. And stumbling will and does happen. You will very rarely both be walking tall through the entire journey, but the faith is that one of you will. Hands holding each other through each step, even when the path is dim and neither of you can see.

The problem is truly looking at that person, truly seeing that person. Removing all falsities, some of us can while others still feel a sense of obligation even perhaps a sense of guilt. Do they make you want to stand tall as a mighty oak or do they take an axe to your kneecaps? When you falter, do they wrap their arms around you and protect you or are they helping dig your grave? I know any of you sitting here reading this are thinking “how could someone…” but I tell you they do. The people that are supposed to be our #1 supporter can be the detriment to our entire being with one action. One word, one call and one thought. They can wreck our entire being and make us not repairable.

I have reached out my hand to a couple of people as of recent. Some that asked with their mouths and others with their eyes. I remember bringing myself from brokenness as if super-gluing together a vase that had shattered into thousands of tiny unrecognizable pieces. Gluing one piece into a spot and realizing it didn’t fit there and looking for the right piece. It is a time of very quiet contemplation. It is a time of great solace because even when you look in the mirror you are upset with the person you see. Dark circles that show the true us even through the façade that we manifested.

A façade is not good, truth even when it hurts is what each of us needs. We all go through patches of bad mixed with patches of good. WE ALL DO! No one’s life is perfect and even the best intentions end up hurting the intender or the intended. For some of the people that I love, and you know who you are, it is safer for me to pull away. I have said what I have said only to protect each of you. I have done things to try to bring you back from what shattered you only because I understand where you are, but this is the time that you and only YOU shall have to get on your hands and knees and feel your way towards the dim light in front of you. I am sorry that I could not be a better friend but this will be your dark time…. Just know that when you do call out my name, I will come back out of the shadows, pick you up, dust you off and hand you my hand and my flashlight. I love you all more than you know and know you can do this.

You can repair yourself and you need to fill your life with those that make you want to be an oak and wrap their arms around you for not themselves but for you. Be what YOU want! Do not shatter further! You can review all your sadness, remove all the falsities and start to see the light on your path. You will have to squint a bit but know that YOU CAN.

why?

why is it when someone is nice that we forget the mean horrible things that they have done to us and only think of the happy moments when those were so few and far between. is the comfort really worth all the hurt, pain and suffering in the long run ...or is it just that it is what we are used to and the other path is too dark to see?

that is the question that is perplexing me today and only because of the last 24 hours. My ex was here for the last 24 hours being overly sweet, being overly nice and in my current state making me think about the "us" that used to be. i met my ex in nov 2000 and we pretty much were attached at the hip since that point... well that was until last october when i found out that he had fallen for our roommate and had been in a relationship with her while i was living and working in LA to pay for the house that we bought. i committed to this man in every wifely aspect plus some that the good book doesn't talk about and at ever turn was treated like a child and a slave. the problem is that i know what to expect and today the devil was tempting me because he kept saying "youre lonely, he is still yours, just tell him and everything can be as it was".

well the devil is just that and the relationship was hell but when it came down to it, it isnt the man that i miss but the marriage, its the commitment to someone. having someone to hug and kiss and talk about your day, someone to cuddle up on the couch who looks at you with love in their eyes and cuddles up to you in bed each night. that is what i miss and worse i feel old.

i feel old because i feel like i spent the best years of my life with this ASS of a man and now I am not worth anything to anyone. feeling worthless is just as bad as feeling broken. and worse today is an empty house day, i do well for an hour or so but then the calamity that was just this morning with the roommates, the ex, the roommates kids and the mild drama and worse low end feeling.

its is my opinion that we all have five levels and in any case when more than one is out of whack then you feel some what outta whack. the five levels are family, friends, love, job and self. each can come into or out of the other, but in the long run you can put each problem into one category or the other. normally the only two that are okay at any given point are your friends and family. job, love and self can be in and out.

with me right now all three of those categories feel completely broken. my marriage is broken, there is no fixing it and as with any good person I blame myself when I did nothing wrong, I realize that, the decision to break the rules and lie to me was his own but why do i still feel like that is all i deserve? I dont deserve any better than an adulterous lying asshole. and worse it has broken my trust with all men, they all will be like him, they all will lie and hurt me and so i feel better alone, but then lonely, its a fucked up situation to say the least. because my love is out of whack, i feel my self is out of whack too. i am a very sweet, loving and caring person - only wanting any person in my life to be happy, have all that they want and all that they deserve. I have good karma and a guardian angel that has been watching over me for 12 years come tomorrow.

maybe that is the problem, tomorrow my dad, my parent will have been gone for 12 years. I light a candle each year on that day, his birthday and father's day. I still cry on his birthday and still cant look through father's day cards because i end up a huddle crying mess on the card aisle at target. my ex was good enough to look out for me on these days, he would make sure that i had something to do, something to get my mind off of the sadness and the loss and the memories. You think you get over losing someone but you never really do, especially when they were close to you. i regret certain things with my father but in the end we were reconnecting, we were becoming friends and then when i was 20 he was taken. my mother and i never had the relationship that my dad and i had. my mother never bonded with me the way a girl and her mother should and its sad beyond belief.

i just feel at this point at 32, almost 33, i have no time. no time to find someone that will love me and wants a family and wants to put it on a fast track. I feel like as a woman, I have to pick a very good man to have children with because if we do and he leaves, they will look at me to be strong. I have a very good friend and we have talked about how his son just wants to get him and his ex back together. The poor child cries for the want of a family and unfortunately there is nothing that can be done. She has made up her mind and for whatever reason the man and her son a a family are not important. But to tell this all to any guy on the first date screams "PSYCHO" but then when, being the picky type there normally isnt a second date.

so why? why do i feel what i do? what is the next step? should i give up and move forward with me, try a segregate and a frozen pop or is there someone out there for me? I have a business and a plan, I have a strategy to get the job back in order, do better on myself but then there are so many whys and I feel stuck in cement or worse tar, sinking yet still breathing, knowing that the end is near but not certain, I could be given a branch and pulled out but as the tar gets closer to my neck i just keep asking myself why?

i want a mechanic to fix my life

last night i sit on the couch with a friend that i have known for about 10 years but havent spent as much time with as i should. this friend produced a sadness and a longing for something that i have also not been unfamiliar with lately. the longing is fine and the sadness is fine, but combined the two create a dreary person the like that even hugs and hands cant take away. the mood was solemn for many and even with bouts of laughter and crude jokes the evening was still more filled with solace than i like at my parties.

since october of last year when i felt a portion of my own life came crumbling down upon my head, i have been trying to figure out what i want from life. what type of friends that i need, what kind of relationship would work and what type of person i would like to find and spend the rest of my life with. i am not in any way a temporary person. i like my traditions and keep to them regularly whether alone or in groups. i dont look at something and figure that once it leaves my life i can just replace it. this is with anything, i tend to spend a little extra money on quality and justly i am looking for that in my friends and relationships.

the problem is that i dont think people think that way anymore. by the way that this friend was speaking and overwhelmingly by the way a couple of friends have been talking it seems more people are of the 'buy cheap and throw it away' then find and buy quality. i dont know if it is life that is teaching us to be this way or if it is the people that we fill our lives with that make us frustrated about the worth of the situation.

on friday i spent the evening with another friend that is saying the same thing that i used as a descriptor for myself only a few months ago. this friend feels 'broken'. broken is defined in many ways as 1) reduced to fragments; fragmented, 2) ruptured; torn; fractured, 3) not functioning properly; out of working order, 4) fragmentary or incomplete, 5) infringed or violated, 6) interrupted, disrupted, or disconnected, 7) weakened in strength, spirit, etc., 8) disunited or divided, 9) not smooth; rough or irregular, 10) ruined; bankrupt. take one or all of these and to have a human describe themselves as such is nothing less than sad.

no one should feel broken, especially if another human being has made us feel this way. life is hard enough to go through on a daily basis that when one is miserable, it seems like in one way shape or form, all of us have something or someone making us feel this way. whether a relationship that has long past expired, a job that makes us want to call in more sick days then go in, friends that are not the counsel that a friend should be or family that makes us, even at our current age, feel more like children than the adults we proclaim to be.

my friends that are feeling such loss and feeling broken are also proclaiming to have 'given up' or 'dont think they can go through this again'. why do relationships make us feel so close and so distant at the same time? why do people hold onto things/people that they no longer want? why are we so scared of the truth with someone that we stay even when we feel we are walking into the depths of hell every time that we open the door? there are a lot of reasons.... fear, insecurities, etc. you pick what you want for your situation? find me a truly 100% happy person and i will give you everything that i own.

what worries me more are that these broken people are some of the cream of the crop in so many ways. now i know no one is perfect, we cant be, we werent made that way. regardless of what you believe it is hard to gain perfection in one's life. but to the broken i say make yourself a list, look at your situation and if any negative descriptors come to mind reevaluate, tell those that you love that you do even if the situation isnt ideal, because it may be longer to get to that ideal situation than you realize. life gives us ups and downs for a reason, with me its to trip me in my five inch heels but for other chose your cheesy metaphor. take a chance on the things that you want because all any of us is doing is getting older, perhaps wiser but definitely older and no one wants to looks back at their life with regrets of 'what if' or 'what could have been'.

regardless i wish you all happiness, love, companionship, wealth, health, liberty and happiness and for those that dont have it yet realize that YOU are the only mechanic in your life that can fix your brokenness however small or large it may be. blessed be.

this would be a blog......

it is halfway through september and still not a job in site. the market for insurance brokers is pretty much bust and so instead i have been working on some side projects including but not limited to my fashion design company, a brilliant business venture and miscellaneous other smaller inventions.

this is a time for new beginnings, reflections and change. it is a time to review ones life and make oneself the best person that you can be. no one is prefect but stop giving advice to others and heed your own.

in a conversation with a new old friend, we both reflected on past relationships and trying to make something out of nothing. i did it twice in the same twelve months. once with my future ex husband while trying to make a sinking ship seaworthy and one with what i saw was a bright and shining star that unfortunately gave no direction. back to the conversation that lasted far into the night and while yawning we decided to end it.

basically we cant figure out why good people seek or get attracted to people that dont see their good, dont see there future and dont see the wonderful person in front of them. its hard to make someone truly see you, regardless of your past or possible future a person sees what they want to see. sometimes its the whole truth and sometimes its a lie and sometimes, even worse, it is a combination of both.

the man that i fell for has become a boy. i know i know it should be the other way. all of us should go from the child to the adult but for some its harder than others. outside forces tell us that we should couple or not couple, that we should procreate or not and so on and so forth. for whatever reason i was two steps ahead of him. so like so many others i have cried my tears and are moving forward.

there are too many other things in the hopper right now to keep my head stuck on an effort forlorn. there were a couple of people that gave solace in this time. my best friend was a shoulder to cry on even though he himself was going through a tough time. my old-new friend going through something hard himself was a sounding board and countless others that saw my silly philosophical posts and texts gave their support.

and so in conclusion, the boy was set free and seeing fit i will quote some silly sayings that feel right and just in this moment. 'if you love something set it free, if it returns it was meant to be' and 'it is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved before' while adding my own 'if they cant see the wonderful person that you are, then they dont deserve you' and 'take each failure as a step in the right direction'.

i send this blog out to everyone, whether they are loved or unloved, coupled or single. You can only move forward and keep your fingers crossed but looking back for too long will cause you to trip into holes and miss new opportunities.