is it better just to be single....

i think that i have had just a fucking enough of this game that is played by the "i'm not ready" crowd of men that i have seem to be dating recently. now i will exclude the ones that politely if not all together bluntly warn me of their non-committal attitude or shall we call it nature, but the ones that are "unsure", "not ready" or "thought they were ready for something" better stay the fuck out of my path from now on.

i am absolutely sick of their selfish attitude when it comes to relationships. don't get me wrong, i am guarded and have my walls coming into a new relationship... in the dating phase i ask the questions that i need to have answered so that i can determine if i want to put time into someone. it is not a mutual two way street with me, i have to feel that there is a bond that i can see growing and blossoming into a full relationship. i have to see potential regardless of their personal situation. i have to also have a spark with someone which means they have to make my toes curl. i ask all the tough questions right off the bat, the ones that appease my biological clock, my maternal instinct, the inner shrink, the external child and all the other warped personality traits that make up myself at 34 years of age. i do this because i was hurt and i don't want to get hurt again. i can't recover if i let someone in too far and they hurt me. i would much prefer to give the suitor the real reason that i can't proceed with our relationship and not toy with their emotions but each time i let someone in that gets through the hills of my psychological analysis and into the valley of my real personality, i get SCREWED.

i am so baffled by this last one that i am actually stuck at a crossroads.... we started out fine, talking about mutual wants, mutual problems, lots and lots of mutual’s which allowed me to engage more than i normally do. I mean truthfully i have only told 3 people in my life that i loved them. the first was my very first boyfriend Jack, the second was my ex husband Richard and the third was my last boyfriend Mike. Each man has broken my heart and with the last being just over a year ago and the few losers that i have dated in the meantime i felt that i could let this one in but BOY WAS I WRONG.

this one was worse than the last 3 all together because he has not a fucking clue what he wants. now i know that i can be a chameleon in a relationship because there are certain things that really don't matter to me. i can eat just about anything and just about anywhere so when it comes to grabbing a bite to eat or making dinner, i am pretty easy going, another avenue where i tend to be easy is music, i love it all therefore i will listen to it all... as for which side of the bed, another thing i could give less than a care as long as the covers don't get stolen and perhaps i get a kiss or a cuddle sometime through the night.

on other items i am more steadfast, i feel deprived by my ex husband for not giving me a child and while i don't want one tomorrow, i do feel that i am about 2 feet from a cliff that i am about to fall off of and my biological clock is ticking so loud that it is making the ground under my feet vibrate and stumble closer to the edge. I also have certain things about my personality that at my age are not going to change, i like others for who they are good and bad and i expect the same attitude from others. the reason that my friend Helena and i get along so well, we can give a flying fuck what you think about us, love us or hate us, that is your choice, it will not affect how we live our lives.

but when you answer an ad that i put out giving you expectations of my intentions and we have good conversations, a great date and i end up adoring you immediately by the little things, it is going to grow. like many others when i am totally frustrated i cry and i question others to truthfully try to figure it out. i consider myself a quite bright person but when it comes down to it. i do admit to getting confused sometimes and the critical thinker in me starts to put YOUR actions together the way a detective would try to solve a crime.

so my inner detective that this written in the journal about this crime....
on march 6th suspect sent email through craigslist explaining who he was and why he wanted to reply to my ad
through the next two weeks the suspect and victim exchanged emails, chats, text messages and phone conversations leading to the agreement of a mutual meeting on march 19th
on march 19th the suspect came alone to a group gathering of the victim and her friends where the suspect engaged in conversation and purchased dinner and drinks for the victim in between the occasional romantic situation such as kissing, hand holding and cuddling
the suspect remained at the victims house for the evening and left the morning of the 20th with no romantic relations being recorded
on the 22nd the suspect warned the victim that he was getting ill and to take care of herself
on the 26th the suspect advised the victim that he could not attend her event
through the next 15 days the suspect and victim kept up casual conversation
on april 4th the victim visited the suspects home after an evening out with her girl friends and proceeded to have romantic relations with the suspect and then left the next morning
over the next few days the victim continued to engage the suspect with limited success
on april 10th the victim decided to advise the suspect that he needed to focus on his life and that she would be available to him when he needed it but that she was going to "pull away" for a little while
on april 27th the suspect returned the email to the victim letting her know of the situations in his life and making certain requests which the victim accepted and began conversations again with the suspect
that weekend the suspect and his son came for a visit at the victim's apartment
over the next weekend, conversations became friendlier and the victim requested the presence of the suspect at a work related event which he accepted
a few days (approximately may 4th) prior the suspect requested that the victim come the evening before the event and stay with him at his house knowing what additional responsibilities that the victim had for said party.
the victim spent the weekend with the suspect, again engaging in romantic relations
on may 8th the victim left the suspect's house to return home and the suspect advised her that he (again) was having issues with their arrangement and needed to "slow down" the victim agreed
on may 13th the victim took a friend and went and hung out with the suspect denoting the evening to a "hang out" session, the victim and friend conversed about the evening on the drive home in a positive way
on may 17th the suspect requested time with the victim specifically requesting "spending the night" which was allowed by the victim again romantic relations
on may 19th the victim and her friend engaged in another "hang out" session where the suspect was more than pre-occupied for the evening with his cell phone and a conversation with another party
on may 23rd while talking through text, the suspect advised the victim that he could no longer have romantic relations with the victim because he had "met someone" through a chat session and the victim's heart exploded causing death

really that is how i feel..... i am not sure if i am too trusting or just fucking DUMB. i mean i know that i am gullible, i am sure that i get used by people more than i realize but truthfully i am not a person that just jumps from bed to bed to bed. i want a connection with the person that i am having "relations" with or else i am not gonna do it. literally, i am a woman of the modern age and our society gives females more than enough battery powered goodies to satisfy those urges...

this guy i could really see a future with and i wanted to give him the time he needed to get over the last bad relationship, get into counseling (his want) get himself figured out and us start fresh again, but i am not sure if i am on the point of wanting to break something or i just want to sit in a corner and cry. he wants me to be his friend but how can i sit and watch another girl take the position that i wanted with him. i can't, i think it is torturous even trying and i have never been one to purposely torture myself. i am calling BULLSHIT now a lot, on everything that he said and everything that he did because truthfully if he just wanted sex, why did he do the cute stuff? the stuff that made my friends all think that he was genuine and caring and not full of shit, but obviously he is more screwed up than even i realize. he needs a good rebound that he can fuck over and allow to further fuck with his head and hurt him because he will never truly appreciate a girl that understands him, cares for him and just wants the best for him. therefore right now i think it is just better to remain single and stay away from all men in general. i will have no time for them as soon as the fall comes with my job and with school and with the people that i actually care about that want me in their lives.

i feel that i deserve better than someone that doesn't know what they want. i deserve someone that will protect me as much as i will them and all the mushy love stuff in between. i think this one has hurt me more than he knows and i am sick of crying over men that seem to take pleasure in making others hurt. he has no clue what he did and he has no clue what he just lost. from his words i felt secondary, especially when he stated "nothing has happened yet", now how am i supposed to take that, how am i supposed to support a friend when i want so much more from him than friendship and worse yet my heart is more broken from the fact that his son is so precious but like Skylar (my step son) oh so many years before the entire time with him was just a disappointment. I can’t and I won’t do this again, I need to realize that life isn’t gonna give me what I want, it isn’t because as good of a person as I think I was my karma must be FUCKEd UP and maybe for now it is better to just be single.....