who's says that giving up is necessarily a bad thing

so tuesday was a pretty crappy day. all in all it ended better than it started but only slightly because i hurt someone that i would have never intended to hurt but being the stubborn crazy female that i am, it was destined to end this way. kinda reminds me a little of the Gwen Stephani song "ex boyfriend" which repetitively states "i kinda always knew you'd end up my ex boyfriend" regardless the label on the situation i went from kinda interested to ridiculously infatuated and with that from funny to desperate.... looking back that is totally the way i read things now but hindsight always is 20/20.

it sucks because while i don't need any more 'friends' in my life, i am very happy with the select few that i have and trust... but i projected so much further down the road with this guy that i couldn't have backed up to meet him even if i would have 150% tried.

i guess the situation is this.... a relationship with someone begins at the first step that you take getting to know each other. you meet and begin down a path together, grabbing each other when one falters because the path is set in front of you, regardless how easy it may be to travel. i know that there have been times in my life where i have dropped the person's hand with i am walking with and either stopped or ran ahead. part of the issue is that regardless whether i have stopped or progressed past them, i still dropped their hand in the first place. dropping someone's hand is bad because if you bounded ahead over obstacles you may not find your way back and if you have stopped well the path may have gotten dark.

i feel that the beginning of the relationship is crucial but talking through texts and emails is not the same as talking in person. i can pull details where i know that i was reading them wrong and INTERPRETING the situation instead of understanding it. looking back i see that now but i dropped his hand and ran ahead because i saw these great ideals of what "could be" and not what was actually happening. what sucks is i have done it before and i am sure that i will do it again.

at this point i gave in and gave up. i turned off the emotions a couple times on him, i bounded ahead and then came back but i still forgot to grab his hand, i may have reached out but i didn't grab it and then bounding ahead i realized that i was ahead AGAIN and now i have lost him.

i did two very wrong things in this relationship... i interpreted writings like hieroglyphics and i didn't reaffirm the translations in person. the horrible things is that he is really a great guy and he can't even see it. he asks "why" and makes himself less than he is.... last night i even networked with a friend of his and couldn't stop asking questions even though i know i have now bounded onto another path, back on a singular path per say.

that is when i have come to the conclusion that this one is ok to give up on. my friends are being as they should, telling me that i was ok, that i am awesome, that better will come along but i'm only taking them with a grain of salt. this is not a time that i need to be pumped up or told that i was right when i don't feel right. i think it is because i have grown up to see both sides of this situation. i look back at our first meeting as if he was perfect and i was crushing on a guy in high school. you know the one that i was never going to talk to and all i did was doodle his name in hearts on notebooks and talk to my girl friends about how cute his hair was or what he wore and how great his butt looked. i started swooning thinking about him with my heart thumping and my head filling with silly girl dreams.

i wanted to instantly add him and everything about him to my life even to my own detriment. worse is that because i was so delusional i bordered on desperation because i was willing to give him anything. you want $20 sure, you want me to buy you food sure, you want to take my car sure, you want a kidney sure. part of the problem with how i was raised, i am willing to help out on any level and i don't see it as undercutting someone's pride because it just is what it is, being raised by a bunch of southerners... its the way we work.

but right now while i still want him in my life, i was mean, i was judgmental and i was in the wrong. i can't hope that he will forgive me but i can still wish the best for him and his life because he deserves it. i know i can proceed forward knowing that he has good friends that will take care of him which is all he needs right now, it was not a good time for us regardless the label and as much as it hurts, i have to keep thinking that way. i hope that he will realize his greatness one day, i hope he will realize that many people love him and i hope he finds the best person to put a label on who will be there for him but for my safety, sanity and self, i need to give up on this one and realize in this situation that giving up isn't a bad thing...