... and the vicious cycle continues...

it is hard enough sometimes to take a big long look at your life and say to yourself "i fucked up, i fucked up somewhere and this is not where i want to be." it is even harder to try to figure out which minute string of the spider web known as your life is causing you to lose the flies you are trying to catch to sustain your life. i have realized sometimes it is all a front. a strong woman that has confidence, keeps a smile on her face through just about anything and inspires other to do the best for their life and their happiness, isn't always who i am.

i put on this front many, many years with my ex husband. there were times when i wanted to just crawl in bed after a ridiculously hard day to just vent, cry and have him there to pet my hair and us together figure out what needed to be done. but time after time on those days, i didn't get that. he was emotionally not there for me... i know for a fact that is why i gained the weight that i did. i know that he pulled me away from my family and friends so they weren't there for me either. and i know that after years of feeling alone in a relationship, i just gave up and put up this front of being uber confident.

after finally having the balls to give up on my marriage to a selfish, unloving, cheating man... it took me a long while to actually open my heart again. i have written previous blogs where i talk about feeling empty and yet again here i am feeling empty. wondering what part of myself i need to change to conform to the social norms and fill that space again. i have other female friends that are the same and may not do the same but for me i feel spent and wasted and full of holes most times. i like who i am but there is definitely two different sides to me.

as a friend i have realized that i am blunt and we are talking brutally blunt. i have never tried to make a friend cry and i have also never really ever given up on a true friend. i have had to remove friends from my life because in one way, shape or form because they had just become acquaintances by their actions which were emotionally or mentally harmful to me. but truthfully i am a great friend, i protect, mentor, shelter, advise and help my true friends. i am there for them no matter what time of day and i will put my life on hold if they need me. i will be the strength to their weakness and keep them focused on the positive because i can see their beauty, compassion and hope for better in their own lives even when they have mentally locked themselves away in a dark room. it takes a lot for me to give up on a friend and it is only when i feel a lack of partnership between myself and someone as a friend that i have to say goodbye.

as a significant other, i am vastly different. there have always been things that i keep locked away just for the person that fills that spot. it is the emotion, the true hopes and dreams, the working together to get some where... with my ex my dreams were crushed. it is one thing to mutually decide things together, it is yet another to be forced down a path you never wanted. when i was in my early 20s i looked towards my grandparents for inspiration on relationships. i wanted the family, i wanted the kids and the true companionship. i have seen where in the instances my grandfather was weak, my grandmother was strong and vice versa. i have seen the reason that they have been married more than 70 years. ultimately that was what i wanted, i said i wanted kids by a certain age, a house and the finer things to be happy and be productive in society. i met someone that said he wanted the same to, but it was all lies. i know that now, but then i always ALWAYS gave in to him....

i was severely broken after him. my trust was shot, my confidence was shot and i figured i would be alone forever. it was my one shot and i blew it. it was my one chance and somehow i ruined it. looking back i know it ruined me. each time i think maybe this time, i think perhaps this will work and i restructure my approach to something then i get shit on. and it isn't as if this guys was perfect, it wasn't as if he had the key to truly unlock things... but i do think each one is actually helping to build my walls higher than my ex's actions could ever build a fortress around me.

this time i cried... i cried before i went to bed last night, i tossed and turned all night and i woke up with tears running down my face again. and shaking my head, i know it wasn't the single actions of this man or perhaps boy... regardless it wasn't him that put me here right now, it was them. it was the men i dated after my marriage fell apart, it was the boyfriend that gave me everything and but for one little thing we couldn't make it. it was the series of bad dates, lame hook-ups and lack luster people that make me feel like giving up completely.

after my post last night, i feel loved. my best friend's phone call was immediate - he seems to hurt when i hurt and is very over protective. he has seen how i open up and get stomped on... he says "it's the guys i pick" and while i agree i couldn't put all of them in the same category to save my life so i am truthfully not sure what characteristic that i choose that helps me to hurt myself each time. i probably could make a list and with my feminine thinking truly figure out what one trait puts them all in the same category... oh wait i know, it would be their penis's... sorry that is my lame attempt at humor at this point... additionally some minutes later my new fav friend called, she is a breath of fresh warm air, seemingly a younger version of me with all the same passion and confusion for life. we spent the best weekend together and now i know we are true friends. after time talking to both of them, my cheerleaders in the "you're great - he sucks" rally that is my dating life MOST times, i crawled in bed and proceeded to cry myself to sleep.

my emotions got the better part of me last night, as much as this guy apologized and tried to not, in his words "be the asshole", well he was... but he wasn't the first and won't be the last. each time this happens i get more in the mindset that this is the best it is going to be for me. i waited too long to walk away from my last relationship and now i am going to remain this single female, living alone, collecting friends and cats, creating less than relationships with men because when i play the "come get me" female i am wrong just as much as when i play the "i'll get you" female. i seriously don't know what to do, i frustrated, i'm hurt and i don't want to try any more. i am sick of being hurt by the smallest of actions because i stack each failure on top of the last one... and right now my failures are seriously outweighing my accomplishments...