so tuesday was a pretty crappy day. all in all it ended better than it started but only slightly because i hurt someone that i would have never intended to hurt but being the stubborn crazy female that i am, it was destined to end this way. kinda reminds me a little of the Gwen Stephani song "ex boyfriend" which repetitively states "i kinda always knew you'd end up my ex boyfriend" regardless the label on the situation i went from kinda interested to ridiculously infatuated and with that from funny to desperate.... looking back that is totally the way i read things now but hindsight always is 20/20.
it sucks because while i don't need any more 'friends' in my life, i am very happy with the select few that i have and trust... but i projected so much further down the road with this guy that i couldn't have backed up to meet him even if i would have 150% tried.
i guess the situation is this.... a relationship with someone begins at the first step that you take getting to know each other. you meet and begin down a path together, grabbing each other when one falters because the path is set in front of you, regardless how easy it may be to travel. i know that there have been times in my life where i have dropped the person's hand with i am walking with and either stopped or ran ahead. part of the issue is that regardless whether i have stopped or progressed past them, i still dropped their hand in the first place. dropping someone's hand is bad because if you bounded ahead over obstacles you may not find your way back and if you have stopped well the path may have gotten dark.
i feel that the beginning of the relationship is crucial but talking through texts and emails is not the same as talking in person. i can pull details where i know that i was reading them wrong and INTERPRETING the situation instead of understanding it. looking back i see that now but i dropped his hand and ran ahead because i saw these great ideals of what "could be" and not what was actually happening. what sucks is i have done it before and i am sure that i will do it again.
at this point i gave in and gave up. i turned off the emotions a couple times on him, i bounded ahead and then came back but i still forgot to grab his hand, i may have reached out but i didn't grab it and then bounding ahead i realized that i was ahead AGAIN and now i have lost him.
i did two very wrong things in this relationship... i interpreted writings like hieroglyphics and i didn't reaffirm the translations in person. the horrible things is that he is really a great guy and he can't even see it. he asks "why" and makes himself less than he is.... last night i even networked with a friend of his and couldn't stop asking questions even though i know i have now bounded onto another path, back on a singular path per say.
that is when i have come to the conclusion that this one is ok to give up on. my friends are being as they should, telling me that i was ok, that i am awesome, that better will come along but i'm only taking them with a grain of salt. this is not a time that i need to be pumped up or told that i was right when i don't feel right. i think it is because i have grown up to see both sides of this situation. i look back at our first meeting as if he was perfect and i was crushing on a guy in high school. you know the one that i was never going to talk to and all i did was doodle his name in hearts on notebooks and talk to my girl friends about how cute his hair was or what he wore and how great his butt looked. i started swooning thinking about him with my heart thumping and my head filling with silly girl dreams.
i wanted to instantly add him and everything about him to my life even to my own detriment. worse is that because i was so delusional i bordered on desperation because i was willing to give him anything. you want $20 sure, you want me to buy you food sure, you want to take my car sure, you want a kidney sure. part of the problem with how i was raised, i am willing to help out on any level and i don't see it as undercutting someone's pride because it just is what it is, being raised by a bunch of southerners... its the way we work.
but right now while i still want him in my life, i was mean, i was judgmental and i was in the wrong. i can't hope that he will forgive me but i can still wish the best for him and his life because he deserves it. i know i can proceed forward knowing that he has good friends that will take care of him which is all he needs right now, it was not a good time for us regardless the label and as much as it hurts, i have to keep thinking that way. i hope that he will realize his greatness one day, i hope he will realize that many people love him and i hope he finds the best person to put a label on who will be there for him but for my safety, sanity and self, i need to give up on this one and realize in this situation that giving up isn't a bad thing...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
is it better just to be single....
i think that i have had just a fucking enough of this game that is played by the "i'm not ready" crowd of men that i have seem to be dating recently. now i will exclude the ones that politely if not all together bluntly warn me of their non-committal attitude or shall we call it nature, but the ones that are "unsure", "not ready" or "thought they were ready for something" better stay the fuck out of my path from now on.
i am absolutely sick of their selfish attitude when it comes to relationships. don't get me wrong, i am guarded and have my walls coming into a new relationship... in the dating phase i ask the questions that i need to have answered so that i can determine if i want to put time into someone. it is not a mutual two way street with me, i have to feel that there is a bond that i can see growing and blossoming into a full relationship. i have to see potential regardless of their personal situation. i have to also have a spark with someone which means they have to make my toes curl. i ask all the tough questions right off the bat, the ones that appease my biological clock, my maternal instinct, the inner shrink, the external child and all the other warped personality traits that make up myself at 34 years of age. i do this because i was hurt and i don't want to get hurt again. i can't recover if i let someone in too far and they hurt me. i would much prefer to give the suitor the real reason that i can't proceed with our relationship and not toy with their emotions but each time i let someone in that gets through the hills of my psychological analysis and into the valley of my real personality, i get SCREWED.
i am so baffled by this last one that i am actually stuck at a crossroads.... we started out fine, talking about mutual wants, mutual problems, lots and lots of mutual’s which allowed me to engage more than i normally do. I mean truthfully i have only told 3 people in my life that i loved them. the first was my very first boyfriend Jack, the second was my ex husband Richard and the third was my last boyfriend Mike. Each man has broken my heart and with the last being just over a year ago and the few losers that i have dated in the meantime i felt that i could let this one in but BOY WAS I WRONG.
this one was worse than the last 3 all together because he has not a fucking clue what he wants. now i know that i can be a chameleon in a relationship because there are certain things that really don't matter to me. i can eat just about anything and just about anywhere so when it comes to grabbing a bite to eat or making dinner, i am pretty easy going, another avenue where i tend to be easy is music, i love it all therefore i will listen to it all... as for which side of the bed, another thing i could give less than a care as long as the covers don't get stolen and perhaps i get a kiss or a cuddle sometime through the night.
on other items i am more steadfast, i feel deprived by my ex husband for not giving me a child and while i don't want one tomorrow, i do feel that i am about 2 feet from a cliff that i am about to fall off of and my biological clock is ticking so loud that it is making the ground under my feet vibrate and stumble closer to the edge. I also have certain things about my personality that at my age are not going to change, i like others for who they are good and bad and i expect the same attitude from others. the reason that my friend Helena and i get along so well, we can give a flying fuck what you think about us, love us or hate us, that is your choice, it will not affect how we live our lives.
but when you answer an ad that i put out giving you expectations of my intentions and we have good conversations, a great date and i end up adoring you immediately by the little things, it is going to grow. like many others when i am totally frustrated i cry and i question others to truthfully try to figure it out. i consider myself a quite bright person but when it comes down to it. i do admit to getting confused sometimes and the critical thinker in me starts to put YOUR actions together the way a detective would try to solve a crime.
so my inner detective that this written in the journal about this crime....
on march 6th suspect sent email through craigslist explaining who he was and why he wanted to reply to my ad
through the next two weeks the suspect and victim exchanged emails, chats, text messages and phone conversations leading to the agreement of a mutual meeting on march 19th
on march 19th the suspect came alone to a group gathering of the victim and her friends where the suspect engaged in conversation and purchased dinner and drinks for the victim in between the occasional romantic situation such as kissing, hand holding and cuddling
the suspect remained at the victims house for the evening and left the morning of the 20th with no romantic relations being recorded
on the 22nd the suspect warned the victim that he was getting ill and to take care of herself
on the 26th the suspect advised the victim that he could not attend her event
through the next 15 days the suspect and victim kept up casual conversation
on april 4th the victim visited the suspects home after an evening out with her girl friends and proceeded to have romantic relations with the suspect and then left the next morning
over the next few days the victim continued to engage the suspect with limited success
on april 10th the victim decided to advise the suspect that he needed to focus on his life and that she would be available to him when he needed it but that she was going to "pull away" for a little while
on april 27th the suspect returned the email to the victim letting her know of the situations in his life and making certain requests which the victim accepted and began conversations again with the suspect
that weekend the suspect and his son came for a visit at the victim's apartment
over the next weekend, conversations became friendlier and the victim requested the presence of the suspect at a work related event which he accepted
a few days (approximately may 4th) prior the suspect requested that the victim come the evening before the event and stay with him at his house knowing what additional responsibilities that the victim had for said party.
the victim spent the weekend with the suspect, again engaging in romantic relations
on may 8th the victim left the suspect's house to return home and the suspect advised her that he (again) was having issues with their arrangement and needed to "slow down" the victim agreed
on may 13th the victim took a friend and went and hung out with the suspect denoting the evening to a "hang out" session, the victim and friend conversed about the evening on the drive home in a positive way
on may 17th the suspect requested time with the victim specifically requesting "spending the night" which was allowed by the victim again romantic relations
on may 19th the victim and her friend engaged in another "hang out" session where the suspect was more than pre-occupied for the evening with his cell phone and a conversation with another party
on may 23rd while talking through text, the suspect advised the victim that he could no longer have romantic relations with the victim because he had "met someone" through a chat session and the victim's heart exploded causing death
really that is how i feel..... i am not sure if i am too trusting or just fucking DUMB. i mean i know that i am gullible, i am sure that i get used by people more than i realize but truthfully i am not a person that just jumps from bed to bed to bed. i want a connection with the person that i am having "relations" with or else i am not gonna do it. literally, i am a woman of the modern age and our society gives females more than enough battery powered goodies to satisfy those urges...
this guy i could really see a future with and i wanted to give him the time he needed to get over the last bad relationship, get into counseling (his want) get himself figured out and us start fresh again, but i am not sure if i am on the point of wanting to break something or i just want to sit in a corner and cry. he wants me to be his friend but how can i sit and watch another girl take the position that i wanted with him. i can't, i think it is torturous even trying and i have never been one to purposely torture myself. i am calling BULLSHIT now a lot, on everything that he said and everything that he did because truthfully if he just wanted sex, why did he do the cute stuff? the stuff that made my friends all think that he was genuine and caring and not full of shit, but obviously he is more screwed up than even i realize. he needs a good rebound that he can fuck over and allow to further fuck with his head and hurt him because he will never truly appreciate a girl that understands him, cares for him and just wants the best for him. therefore right now i think it is just better to remain single and stay away from all men in general. i will have no time for them as soon as the fall comes with my job and with school and with the people that i actually care about that want me in their lives.
i feel that i deserve better than someone that doesn't know what they want. i deserve someone that will protect me as much as i will them and all the mushy love stuff in between. i think this one has hurt me more than he knows and i am sick of crying over men that seem to take pleasure in making others hurt. he has no clue what he did and he has no clue what he just lost. from his words i felt secondary, especially when he stated "nothing has happened yet", now how am i supposed to take that, how am i supposed to support a friend when i want so much more from him than friendship and worse yet my heart is more broken from the fact that his son is so precious but like Skylar (my step son) oh so many years before the entire time with him was just a disappointment. I can’t and I won’t do this again, I need to realize that life isn’t gonna give me what I want, it isn’t because as good of a person as I think I was my karma must be FUCKEd UP and maybe for now it is better to just be single.....
i am absolutely sick of their selfish attitude when it comes to relationships. don't get me wrong, i am guarded and have my walls coming into a new relationship... in the dating phase i ask the questions that i need to have answered so that i can determine if i want to put time into someone. it is not a mutual two way street with me, i have to feel that there is a bond that i can see growing and blossoming into a full relationship. i have to see potential regardless of their personal situation. i have to also have a spark with someone which means they have to make my toes curl. i ask all the tough questions right off the bat, the ones that appease my biological clock, my maternal instinct, the inner shrink, the external child and all the other warped personality traits that make up myself at 34 years of age. i do this because i was hurt and i don't want to get hurt again. i can't recover if i let someone in too far and they hurt me. i would much prefer to give the suitor the real reason that i can't proceed with our relationship and not toy with their emotions but each time i let someone in that gets through the hills of my psychological analysis and into the valley of my real personality, i get SCREWED.
i am so baffled by this last one that i am actually stuck at a crossroads.... we started out fine, talking about mutual wants, mutual problems, lots and lots of mutual’s which allowed me to engage more than i normally do. I mean truthfully i have only told 3 people in my life that i loved them. the first was my very first boyfriend Jack, the second was my ex husband Richard and the third was my last boyfriend Mike. Each man has broken my heart and with the last being just over a year ago and the few losers that i have dated in the meantime i felt that i could let this one in but BOY WAS I WRONG.
this one was worse than the last 3 all together because he has not a fucking clue what he wants. now i know that i can be a chameleon in a relationship because there are certain things that really don't matter to me. i can eat just about anything and just about anywhere so when it comes to grabbing a bite to eat or making dinner, i am pretty easy going, another avenue where i tend to be easy is music, i love it all therefore i will listen to it all... as for which side of the bed, another thing i could give less than a care as long as the covers don't get stolen and perhaps i get a kiss or a cuddle sometime through the night.
on other items i am more steadfast, i feel deprived by my ex husband for not giving me a child and while i don't want one tomorrow, i do feel that i am about 2 feet from a cliff that i am about to fall off of and my biological clock is ticking so loud that it is making the ground under my feet vibrate and stumble closer to the edge. I also have certain things about my personality that at my age are not going to change, i like others for who they are good and bad and i expect the same attitude from others. the reason that my friend Helena and i get along so well, we can give a flying fuck what you think about us, love us or hate us, that is your choice, it will not affect how we live our lives.
but when you answer an ad that i put out giving you expectations of my intentions and we have good conversations, a great date and i end up adoring you immediately by the little things, it is going to grow. like many others when i am totally frustrated i cry and i question others to truthfully try to figure it out. i consider myself a quite bright person but when it comes down to it. i do admit to getting confused sometimes and the critical thinker in me starts to put YOUR actions together the way a detective would try to solve a crime.
so my inner detective that this written in the journal about this crime....
on march 6th suspect sent email through craigslist explaining who he was and why he wanted to reply to my ad
through the next two weeks the suspect and victim exchanged emails, chats, text messages and phone conversations leading to the agreement of a mutual meeting on march 19th
on march 19th the suspect came alone to a group gathering of the victim and her friends where the suspect engaged in conversation and purchased dinner and drinks for the victim in between the occasional romantic situation such as kissing, hand holding and cuddling
the suspect remained at the victims house for the evening and left the morning of the 20th with no romantic relations being recorded
on the 22nd the suspect warned the victim that he was getting ill and to take care of herself
on the 26th the suspect advised the victim that he could not attend her event
through the next 15 days the suspect and victim kept up casual conversation
on april 4th the victim visited the suspects home after an evening out with her girl friends and proceeded to have romantic relations with the suspect and then left the next morning
over the next few days the victim continued to engage the suspect with limited success
on april 10th the victim decided to advise the suspect that he needed to focus on his life and that she would be available to him when he needed it but that she was going to "pull away" for a little while
on april 27th the suspect returned the email to the victim letting her know of the situations in his life and making certain requests which the victim accepted and began conversations again with the suspect
that weekend the suspect and his son came for a visit at the victim's apartment
over the next weekend, conversations became friendlier and the victim requested the presence of the suspect at a work related event which he accepted
a few days (approximately may 4th) prior the suspect requested that the victim come the evening before the event and stay with him at his house knowing what additional responsibilities that the victim had for said party.
the victim spent the weekend with the suspect, again engaging in romantic relations
on may 8th the victim left the suspect's house to return home and the suspect advised her that he (again) was having issues with their arrangement and needed to "slow down" the victim agreed
on may 13th the victim took a friend and went and hung out with the suspect denoting the evening to a "hang out" session, the victim and friend conversed about the evening on the drive home in a positive way
on may 17th the suspect requested time with the victim specifically requesting "spending the night" which was allowed by the victim again romantic relations
on may 19th the victim and her friend engaged in another "hang out" session where the suspect was more than pre-occupied for the evening with his cell phone and a conversation with another party
on may 23rd while talking through text, the suspect advised the victim that he could no longer have romantic relations with the victim because he had "met someone" through a chat session and the victim's heart exploded causing death
really that is how i feel..... i am not sure if i am too trusting or just fucking DUMB. i mean i know that i am gullible, i am sure that i get used by people more than i realize but truthfully i am not a person that just jumps from bed to bed to bed. i want a connection with the person that i am having "relations" with or else i am not gonna do it. literally, i am a woman of the modern age and our society gives females more than enough battery powered goodies to satisfy those urges...
this guy i could really see a future with and i wanted to give him the time he needed to get over the last bad relationship, get into counseling (his want) get himself figured out and us start fresh again, but i am not sure if i am on the point of wanting to break something or i just want to sit in a corner and cry. he wants me to be his friend but how can i sit and watch another girl take the position that i wanted with him. i can't, i think it is torturous even trying and i have never been one to purposely torture myself. i am calling BULLSHIT now a lot, on everything that he said and everything that he did because truthfully if he just wanted sex, why did he do the cute stuff? the stuff that made my friends all think that he was genuine and caring and not full of shit, but obviously he is more screwed up than even i realize. he needs a good rebound that he can fuck over and allow to further fuck with his head and hurt him because he will never truly appreciate a girl that understands him, cares for him and just wants the best for him. therefore right now i think it is just better to remain single and stay away from all men in general. i will have no time for them as soon as the fall comes with my job and with school and with the people that i actually care about that want me in their lives.
i feel that i deserve better than someone that doesn't know what they want. i deserve someone that will protect me as much as i will them and all the mushy love stuff in between. i think this one has hurt me more than he knows and i am sick of crying over men that seem to take pleasure in making others hurt. he has no clue what he did and he has no clue what he just lost. from his words i felt secondary, especially when he stated "nothing has happened yet", now how am i supposed to take that, how am i supposed to support a friend when i want so much more from him than friendship and worse yet my heart is more broken from the fact that his son is so precious but like Skylar (my step son) oh so many years before the entire time with him was just a disappointment. I can’t and I won’t do this again, I need to realize that life isn’t gonna give me what I want, it isn’t because as good of a person as I think I was my karma must be FUCKEd UP and maybe for now it is better to just be single.....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
feeling like cinderella at midnight.... again
why exactly does this continue happening to me? right when i think things are on track, right when i think i met someone that i could see building something with, then the shit hits the fan and i'm stuck holding my single glass slipper, my horses have turn to mice and my carriage is a smashed pumpkin like the ones on the street the day after halloween. i just don't get it...
before i begin my tirade, let me give you a little of a back story. i meet this guy about a month ago online... he wrote an adorable intro about himself and i thought "what the hell, not my norm but he seems cool so let's give it a try". after a great deal of texting and emails in which it was revealed similar past relationships, some mutual likes and definitely the same wants for the future.... seems like something worth moving forward with, right?
so we scheduled a meeting, a date but more of like a meeting since it wasn't just gonna be the two of us. actually truthfully this guy was walking into what i can only describe as a possible 'shit storm'. i warned him that he was meeting some of the most important friends that i have and that there may be a little bit of torture but nothing crippling. the meeting was more of a success than i was expecting but looking back i realize but that was the top of the mountain and the path down was going to be full of potholes and sharp rocks.
after that is was.... well i have no fucking clue what has happened since that evening.. a sickness, too busy at work, conflicting schedule, time off.... fuck i mean it just seemed like one excuse after another. and what's worse is that the glow that i had from the first meeting, the feelings that went with that glow and the prospect of a future with someone that actually understands what i went through from my marriage and what i didn't want to ever go through again with a partner. but the excuses.... when are they real and when are they just too much to believe?
it so sucks because i had the best communication with this guy, the best chemistry actually the only chemistry that i have had with someone in more than a year and while there were definitely some hurdles, like the fact that he lived in another town and the fact that he has an adorable son (which scares the hell out of me)... well they were definitely something that i could deal with. the weird thing was that when we started talking i was the one making the excuses and he was the one with all the perfect answers. now its him making the excuses and me wondering what the hell i did wrong and why we seemed to go from green to red... green to yellow is totally understandable but green to red... ugh!
the whole thing just makes me feel so stupid, and of all things in my life I am fine with feeling dumb every once in a while, that's life but stupid is not something that i have any control over. i felt stupid throughout my marriage. like everything was my fault and no matter how much i tried to get things right, it just wasn't good enough. this is feeling like that all over again and i don't know why i internalize the blame and the guilt to the situation but i can't point the finger at the other person. even when they are pointing their finger at themselves, i still have the instinct of being in the wrong.
i just hate this.... i really like this guy and i think he really likes me but what am i supposed to do. ignore him and try to focus on the things that i need to do? well that ends up worthless when i take a moment and my head goes back to thinking about what is going on with him. keep in minor contact with him hoping for a reply or better yet a conversation full of useless babble because no real subjects are being broached and with that how much am i supposed to believe.... we are all so preconditioned nowadays to not share the truth for a fear of being vulnerable. but what is that vulnerability is what shows our prospective partner where they are needed to be the strength in our lives because no one is invulnerable but right now i feel like throwing my arms up and saying "i give up" because right now i feel like cinderella at midnight... will my prince come back or will i be stuck with a broken pumpkin, a ripped dress and a bunch of mice watching me cry in the ashes?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
frustration in the form of a text
do you ever get a text and think WTF! i mean seriously i think i just figured out the true personality of a new, now lost friend of mine just because of a text. this morning i was woken up by my phone buzzing on the oak stained nightstand. looking over at it completely annoyed but interested in who the text may be from, i grab the cold electronic device and punched in my password. again the machine buzzs in my hand because its not one text but two.
as i read the words once then again because at first i didn't think i was reading them right, i realize that i had just been defriended.... now i know i am not perfect, but defriending someone through a text is just as lame and breaking up with someone by text or canceling on a date via text. consider me old fashioned but i just think that these situations of such high emotion are better left to a phone call... not a text of less than 160 characters or in this case 320....
so i reply back, hoping for a reply but ultimately not expecting it because a person that decides to be so immature as to not call you to explain why they are upset with you and making this request is very wimpy in regards to conflict resolution anyways. whats actually funnier yet is the job that this person is going to is anything but.... oh well que sera sera.
my frustration is just the fact that texting has become the social norm. it is an easier way to communicate with people when you want to get something done quickly and normally easily but a text. like any form of written communication is not interpreted by the writter but the one receiving it. do you know how easy it is to misinterpret something you read. i bet if i was in a room of people and asked right now if you had ever had a text that left you more than a little confused that everyone would raise their hand. hell i have been overly confused many times by a text and have to reread it or request an explaination from the sender.
the question is really is this a justified way to get bad news or really any important news from someone? it seems like if we continue down this path that sooner or later, we will have keypads surgically implanted into our forearms and we will be asking our loves to marry us through text messages. so people i BEG you, BREAK THE CYCLE!
you are not a bad person by making a call and explaining your actions in person to the person. truthfully you would do better with the person that you are trying to break the news to by talking to them over the phone or better yet IN PERSON.... we are all old enough to have had some disappointment and rejection in our life. we have all been hurt, we have all cried whether we admit to it or not... but for god's sake have the BALLS to call someone and explain why you are upset with them and allow them to confirm your suspicisions or tell you their side of the situation. the fact that a text message can do so much means that truthfully you don't want that person as your friend because you aren't willing to get the other side of the story because your mind is already made up. but when it comes to REAL life we all know that their are TWO sides to every story...
as i read the words once then again because at first i didn't think i was reading them right, i realize that i had just been defriended.... now i know i am not perfect, but defriending someone through a text is just as lame and breaking up with someone by text or canceling on a date via text. consider me old fashioned but i just think that these situations of such high emotion are better left to a phone call... not a text of less than 160 characters or in this case 320....
so i reply back, hoping for a reply but ultimately not expecting it because a person that decides to be so immature as to not call you to explain why they are upset with you and making this request is very wimpy in regards to conflict resolution anyways. whats actually funnier yet is the job that this person is going to is anything but.... oh well que sera sera.
my frustration is just the fact that texting has become the social norm. it is an easier way to communicate with people when you want to get something done quickly and normally easily but a text. like any form of written communication is not interpreted by the writter but the one receiving it. do you know how easy it is to misinterpret something you read. i bet if i was in a room of people and asked right now if you had ever had a text that left you more than a little confused that everyone would raise their hand. hell i have been overly confused many times by a text and have to reread it or request an explaination from the sender.
the question is really is this a justified way to get bad news or really any important news from someone? it seems like if we continue down this path that sooner or later, we will have keypads surgically implanted into our forearms and we will be asking our loves to marry us through text messages. so people i BEG you, BREAK THE CYCLE!
you are not a bad person by making a call and explaining your actions in person to the person. truthfully you would do better with the person that you are trying to break the news to by talking to them over the phone or better yet IN PERSON.... we are all old enough to have had some disappointment and rejection in our life. we have all been hurt, we have all cried whether we admit to it or not... but for god's sake have the BALLS to call someone and explain why you are upset with them and allow them to confirm your suspicisions or tell you their side of the situation. the fact that a text message can do so much means that truthfully you don't want that person as your friend because you aren't willing to get the other side of the story because your mind is already made up. but when it comes to REAL life we all know that their are TWO sides to every story...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
a little out loud thinking...
have you ever met someone new in your life and a picture flashed into your head. the kind that no matter how much you close your eyes and shake your head seems to remains. there were many years in my life that i was more numb to meeting new people or even worse getting to know new people but now that i am playing with some new ideals in my life certain things have become more clear and back again are those damn pictures. worse yet when its a feeling that you can't shake but that is a whole nother subject for a whole nother time.
when i met this man i was attracted, i admit... nothing wrong with the admission but by happenstance not something that is ever going to surpass a mild crush on a set of pretty eyes and a great smile... two of my favorite things by the way... after my first real in-person conversation with this man, the picture came up which was actually quiet scary. i mean i know people have walls nowadays, its very easy to put them up. whether from bad experiences resulting in a little (or a lot) of psychological harm... we have all come from trusty worthy babes (aka: babies) to untrusting adults. but this is the first person that i have met with such a fortress in front of him.
you can tell by his comments, the sadness and yet joking tone that combines in his words. the want for something real, the fear that it may be and the removal of himself from the situation before it can begin. oddly enough he speaks a lot about simplier times and the love that didn't last without speaking a word. its all there, the scared little boy in the man behind the beer glass, making short sentences and giving just enough truth mixed with a little more nonsense... he is the man that keeps you guessing. definately keeps you guessing.
the picture that i get when i close my eyes actually worries me greatly. an even now weeks later is still plaguing me when i close my eyes and my heart begins to worry about him. a brink wall with a couple blocks missing where either a hand and arm extends or a couple of sad eyes peer out. my heart gets heavy every time i think about it and what is worse is that i can't seem to get this guy off my mind. i mean i have worried about new friends before, had instantaneous connections with people even though i would never expect it to be.... but this is far different and it is plaguing, to a point making my stomach sick and my gutt... well my gutt is totally baffled.
but i guess it is what it is... i think i am not going to worry about this one tonight. there are others to think about, hell i have myself to think about but then the picture pops into my head and then my hand reaches for the phone and sends a text to him before i can realize what is happening. but then i guess its normal, right? it's normal to worry about those that you can't seem to get off your mind? and i am sorry but when someone says they are fine well... that THAT IS A FUCKING LIE!!! do you know what fine means? DO YOU? Fine is defined by http://www.Dictonary.com as (be warned this is long)
fine
1. of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade: fine wine.
2. choice, excellent, or admirable: a fine painting.
3. consisting of minute particles: fine sand; a fine purée.
4. very thin or slender: fine thread.
5. keen or sharp, as a tool: Is the knife fine enough to carve well?
6. delicate in texture; filmy: fine cotton fabric.
7. delicately fashioned: fine tracery.
8. highly skilled or accomplished: a fine musician.
9. trained to the maximum degree, as an athlete.
10. characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance: a fine lady.
11. polished or refined: fine manners.
12. affectedly ornate or elegant: A style so fine repels the average reader.
13. delicate or subtle: a fine distinction.
14. bright and clear: a fine day; fine skin.
15. healthy; well: In spite of his recent illness, he looks fine.
16. showy or smart; elegant in appearance: a bird of fine plumage.
17. good-looking or handsome: a fine young man.
18. (of a precious metal or its alloy) free from impurities or containing a large amount of pure metal: fine gold; Sterling silver is 92.5 percent fine.
–adverb
19. Informal . in an excellent manner; very well: He did fine on the exams. She sings fine.
20. very small: She writes so fine I can hardly read it.
21. Billiards, Pool . in such a way that the driven ball barely touches the object ball in passing.
22. Nautical . as close as possible to the wind: sailing fine.
–verb (used without object)
23. to become fine or finer, as by refining.
24. to become less, as in size or proportions; reduce; diminish (often fol. by down ): The plumpness fines down with exercise.
–verb (used with object)
25. to make fine or finer, esp. by refining or pulverizing.
26. to reduce the size or proportions of (often used with down or away ): to fine down the heavy features; to fine away superfluous matter in a design.
27. to clarify (wines or spirits) by filtration.
–noun
28. fines,
a. Mining . crushed ore sufficiently fine to pass through a given screen. Compare short def. 29a .
b. Agriculture . the fine bits of corn kernel knocked off during handling of the grain.
—Idiom
29. cut fine, to calculate precisely, esp. without allowing for possible error or accident: To finish in ten minutes is to cut it too fine.
where the hell in any of that does that mean "i am (insert appropriate actual emotion)"... fine is like okay or worse since Aerosmith says fine is fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.... i like that definition so much more. any person ever tells you that they are fine and you leave them be you are a BAD friend.... just because they may not be willing to talk about it at the time still lends that they are not happy or good, they are fine.... BLEACK! i hear that all the time outta friends... "i'm fine" when i know for a fact that they are not... but back on my path of thought.
in person i can ask 'how are you?' and when i receive that response i cock my head to the side like a confused dog until they spill. my true friends know that i don't ask questions unless i really want to know, i ask because i worry, i ask because i care.... sometimes too much but again, another subject for another day. but still this picture plagues me, it black and weighs down my heart and i don't know what to do.
the weird thing is that i hear from this man almost every night. whether i start the conversation with a simple text that doesn't require a response or i am generally worried or all of a sudden he is checking on me. its weird, the cellular phone acting as a modern pen pal sending short 160 character texts back and forth between friends... an addiction of the modern age like starbucks or oxycontin... this silly thing that buzzs on the bar as an icon with a smiley face pops up. most time its a good text and other times the message is simple but the intention of the text is far from.
what am i to do? HELP! am i to continue to worry? tell this person that i have had this image in my head and see if i can help or ignore it and worry about me? i know that whatever i do, odd things may happen. not bad, not good... just odd. like he and i's entire relationship which ODD is a nice word to explain. the plaguing of the sad man behind the brick wall with an outstretched arm... what would you do?
when i met this man i was attracted, i admit... nothing wrong with the admission but by happenstance not something that is ever going to surpass a mild crush on a set of pretty eyes and a great smile... two of my favorite things by the way... after my first real in-person conversation with this man, the picture came up which was actually quiet scary. i mean i know people have walls nowadays, its very easy to put them up. whether from bad experiences resulting in a little (or a lot) of psychological harm... we have all come from trusty worthy babes (aka: babies) to untrusting adults. but this is the first person that i have met with such a fortress in front of him.
you can tell by his comments, the sadness and yet joking tone that combines in his words. the want for something real, the fear that it may be and the removal of himself from the situation before it can begin. oddly enough he speaks a lot about simplier times and the love that didn't last without speaking a word. its all there, the scared little boy in the man behind the beer glass, making short sentences and giving just enough truth mixed with a little more nonsense... he is the man that keeps you guessing. definately keeps you guessing.
the picture that i get when i close my eyes actually worries me greatly. an even now weeks later is still plaguing me when i close my eyes and my heart begins to worry about him. a brink wall with a couple blocks missing where either a hand and arm extends or a couple of sad eyes peer out. my heart gets heavy every time i think about it and what is worse is that i can't seem to get this guy off my mind. i mean i have worried about new friends before, had instantaneous connections with people even though i would never expect it to be.... but this is far different and it is plaguing, to a point making my stomach sick and my gutt... well my gutt is totally baffled.
but i guess it is what it is... i think i am not going to worry about this one tonight. there are others to think about, hell i have myself to think about but then the picture pops into my head and then my hand reaches for the phone and sends a text to him before i can realize what is happening. but then i guess its normal, right? it's normal to worry about those that you can't seem to get off your mind? and i am sorry but when someone says they are fine well... that THAT IS A FUCKING LIE!!! do you know what fine means? DO YOU? Fine is defined by http://www.Dictonary.com as (be warned this is long)
fine
1. of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade: fine wine.
2. choice, excellent, or admirable: a fine painting.
3. consisting of minute particles: fine sand; a fine purée.
4. very thin or slender: fine thread.
5. keen or sharp, as a tool: Is the knife fine enough to carve well?
6. delicate in texture; filmy: fine cotton fabric.
7. delicately fashioned: fine tracery.
8. highly skilled or accomplished: a fine musician.
9. trained to the maximum degree, as an athlete.
10. characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance: a fine lady.
11. polished or refined: fine manners.
12. affectedly ornate or elegant: A style so fine repels the average reader.
13. delicate or subtle: a fine distinction.
14. bright and clear: a fine day; fine skin.
15. healthy; well: In spite of his recent illness, he looks fine.
16. showy or smart; elegant in appearance: a bird of fine plumage.
17. good-looking or handsome: a fine young man.
18. (of a precious metal or its alloy) free from impurities or containing a large amount of pure metal: fine gold; Sterling silver is 92.5 percent fine.
–adverb
19. Informal . in an excellent manner; very well: He did fine on the exams. She sings fine.
20. very small: She writes so fine I can hardly read it.
21. Billiards, Pool . in such a way that the driven ball barely touches the object ball in passing.
22. Nautical . as close as possible to the wind: sailing fine.
–verb (used without object)
23. to become fine or finer, as by refining.
24. to become less, as in size or proportions; reduce; diminish (often fol. by down ): The plumpness fines down with exercise.
–verb (used with object)
25. to make fine or finer, esp. by refining or pulverizing.
26. to reduce the size or proportions of (often used with down or away ): to fine down the heavy features; to fine away superfluous matter in a design.
27. to clarify (wines or spirits) by filtration.
–noun
28. fines,
a. Mining . crushed ore sufficiently fine to pass through a given screen. Compare short def. 29a .
b. Agriculture . the fine bits of corn kernel knocked off during handling of the grain.
—Idiom
29. cut fine, to calculate precisely, esp. without allowing for possible error or accident: To finish in ten minutes is to cut it too fine.
where the hell in any of that does that mean "i am (insert appropriate actual emotion)"... fine is like okay or worse since Aerosmith says fine is fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.... i like that definition so much more. any person ever tells you that they are fine and you leave them be you are a BAD friend.... just because they may not be willing to talk about it at the time still lends that they are not happy or good, they are fine.... BLEACK! i hear that all the time outta friends... "i'm fine" when i know for a fact that they are not... but back on my path of thought.
in person i can ask 'how are you?' and when i receive that response i cock my head to the side like a confused dog until they spill. my true friends know that i don't ask questions unless i really want to know, i ask because i worry, i ask because i care.... sometimes too much but again, another subject for another day. but still this picture plagues me, it black and weighs down my heart and i don't know what to do.
the weird thing is that i hear from this man almost every night. whether i start the conversation with a simple text that doesn't require a response or i am generally worried or all of a sudden he is checking on me. its weird, the cellular phone acting as a modern pen pal sending short 160 character texts back and forth between friends... an addiction of the modern age like starbucks or oxycontin... this silly thing that buzzs on the bar as an icon with a smiley face pops up. most time its a good text and other times the message is simple but the intention of the text is far from.
what am i to do? HELP! am i to continue to worry? tell this person that i have had this image in my head and see if i can help or ignore it and worry about me? i know that whatever i do, odd things may happen. not bad, not good... just odd. like he and i's entire relationship which ODD is a nice word to explain. the plaguing of the sad man behind the brick wall with an outstretched arm... what would you do?
Monday, December 27, 2010
mind vs. heart
that is IT! she is locked up and i am done.... all she does is whine and cry when i let her out and i am sick of hearing it... do you know what incessant crying does to someone's brain... it drives you to drastic measures and i have hit my limit. i have crusaded through the wilderness to find the one that she will accept. the one with the dark eyes no light eyes, no burly and strong or was it intelligently geeky.... wait now i'm even more confused... the hunt was great, the gathering easy but the presentation dreadful.
i gagged her so i can't hear her cries, i tied her up so no more shuffling and i locked the door stuffing towels under the door... so sick of that whiney heart wanting something that no matter where i search or who i bring her as a sacrifice to appease her, i just walk away dragging them by the hair with their big eyes looking up at me as if it's my fault that she dismissed them...
i am rational and yet she is emotional and no matter what she says to try to explain to me what she truly needs to make her happy, i bring her the willing participant who places himself at her feet asking but that she touches his cheek and she turns away pointing them and I to the door. THAT BITCH IS CRAZY! she doesn't really know what she wants, either that or she is back to watching romantic comedies, thinking there is some bit of fact in that drivel that kills my rational thoughts each and every time... what am i supposed to do to make her happy and how am i supposed to live when she is so unhappy... I GIVE UP!
~
and i sit here metaphorically gagged and bound in this little room with no windows and a locked door... what am i supposed to do? the one i first choose, tightened his laces and decided to walk in a different direction and no matter how tight i wanted to hold him back, she kept telling me to let him go. she said "if it is right he will return to me" but still his footsteps down my drive linger and are slowly filling with earth as the days add to months and soon to a year.
why can't i be content with the beautiful offerings that she brings me, each one complimentary but the feelings just aren't there... maybe the feelings are gone from everything... maybe if i decide to prick my finger nothing will come out... maybe i have been given the last opportunity at what i wanted and i choose wrong. maybe what was supposed to happen all those nights ago shouldn't have been stopped and what was left of me could have followed the others down the drain while she rose to the heavens.
i don't know what to tell her anymore, i know she worries, i know she cries hearing me in angst, in harm, thriving for touch, striving for love and wanting perfection... well not ideal godly type perfection - just he that is perfect for me. maybe i don't deserve perfection... maybe i only deserve to sit and hope that one day she will deliver my perfection to my doorstop and i will touch his face and he pulls me close to him and gives me that kiss that makes my stomach jump, my heart pump and my toes tingle... what am i supposed to do to make her happy and how am i supposed to live when she is so unhappy... I GIVE UP!
i gagged her so i can't hear her cries, i tied her up so no more shuffling and i locked the door stuffing towels under the door... so sick of that whiney heart wanting something that no matter where i search or who i bring her as a sacrifice to appease her, i just walk away dragging them by the hair with their big eyes looking up at me as if it's my fault that she dismissed them...
i am rational and yet she is emotional and no matter what she says to try to explain to me what she truly needs to make her happy, i bring her the willing participant who places himself at her feet asking but that she touches his cheek and she turns away pointing them and I to the door. THAT BITCH IS CRAZY! she doesn't really know what she wants, either that or she is back to watching romantic comedies, thinking there is some bit of fact in that drivel that kills my rational thoughts each and every time... what am i supposed to do to make her happy and how am i supposed to live when she is so unhappy... I GIVE UP!
~
and i sit here metaphorically gagged and bound in this little room with no windows and a locked door... what am i supposed to do? the one i first choose, tightened his laces and decided to walk in a different direction and no matter how tight i wanted to hold him back, she kept telling me to let him go. she said "if it is right he will return to me" but still his footsteps down my drive linger and are slowly filling with earth as the days add to months and soon to a year.
why can't i be content with the beautiful offerings that she brings me, each one complimentary but the feelings just aren't there... maybe the feelings are gone from everything... maybe if i decide to prick my finger nothing will come out... maybe i have been given the last opportunity at what i wanted and i choose wrong. maybe what was supposed to happen all those nights ago shouldn't have been stopped and what was left of me could have followed the others down the drain while she rose to the heavens.
i don't know what to tell her anymore, i know she worries, i know she cries hearing me in angst, in harm, thriving for touch, striving for love and wanting perfection... well not ideal godly type perfection - just he that is perfect for me. maybe i don't deserve perfection... maybe i only deserve to sit and hope that one day she will deliver my perfection to my doorstop and i will touch his face and he pulls me close to him and gives me that kiss that makes my stomach jump, my heart pump and my toes tingle... what am i supposed to do to make her happy and how am i supposed to live when she is so unhappy... I GIVE UP!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
my new dating scene....
I realized that the one thing that I miss most from my relationship was having someone sleep next to me. Its weird the security that having someone next to you derive deep in your spirit and it has been a long time since I have had the constant comfort of someone lying next to me.
Lately I decided to join the dating world again, I placed an ad, I received emails and I found someone that has met my initial criteria as a “catch”. It’s a far different dating world for a woman in her 30s then when I was in my 20s. In my 20s I felt like milk that had just come from the cow’s teat. I had a long shelf life, was fresh and ready for another stage of my journey and could deal with more of a lackadaisical approach to dating. I dated older seemingly more mature men and I was proud of the catches that I found form the bay area dating pool.
Now in my 30s I feel like the discount milk, the stuff that is now 20% off because it’s going to spoil in a few days and will be dumped down the sink or forgotten about in the back of the fridge until chucks forms and the smell hits you in the face the second the refrigerator door opens. I am as close to spent milk as I can possibly be…. AND IT SUCKS.
Why is it that my ex, a man 8 years older than I starts (while we are still together) dating a woman 7 years my junior, decides to move to Vegas and keep her and discard me is living the life while my spoiled milk ass is having the hardest time trying to meet someone that I can just hang out on the couch with and sooner or later get more than a post coital hug and handshake.
I don’t think that I am aging badly; I have taken care of my face, kept it out of the sun and moisturized. I’ve been told I look young, that I’m gorgeous, down-to-earth and blah blah blah but still I have no idea what the best course of action could be. I can’t even figure out what men want these days. Is it sex? Does the girl need a shut mouth and a hot ass? Or are they really looking for more and are just as confused as I am that they keep quiet and go about their day placing ads for “casual encounters” and one night stands from women stumbling or crying as the bartender calls “last call”.
What happened in the last decade? Did dating change that much with the addition of email and cell phones? Are we all screwed to replace real people with fleshy battery operated machinery and non-committal relationships?
Talking to a girlfriend the other day, we realized that we mutually knew someone. She had contacted someone for something casual while I had wanted something heading towards long-term. Being that she and I are very different which I will not go into here, we realized a weird situation. If he really wanted what he discussed with her, would he have been lying to me and in reverse if he was being truthful with me was she going to be a passing persuasion? Which then I get confused all over again… and rightfully so.
People have a tendency to hide who they really are and I’m sorry I just put it all out there. For me there are no rules of dating, just rules of self-respect, trust and truth. I’m not going to fake what I am and I hope you don’t either but if you do the entire process is nothing but a waste of time. I HATE WASTING MY TIME… truthfully I am sure that we all hate wasting our time. It all just makes me want to scream. Fake picture, fake people…. Shit I should invent a portable lie detector to sell to those that can’t seem to seem to decipher standard communication triggers. Even better I should write a book that helps girls better interpret the “he’s just not that into you” crap.
Fuck the movie here is the short of it and the book written by a comedian (YES IT WAS)…men are simple, if you ask them what they are looking for them they will tell you and if you realize that “stiff dick has no conscience” then there is a man. A man that loves you will do anything for you and hopefully you for him but if at any time he makes standard excuses for not spending time with you and makes you feel like less of a person then you MUST run away screaming as he has moved on. And if you did the same you are not better than the guy that did it to you.
Let just call it the vicious cycle of dating… the girl falls for the 1st boy in high school, gives him her virginity and he repays her by breaking her heart. (This is more than likely the reverse) from that broken heart the girl gets upset and treats the next couple of men in her life, men that probably really want to be with her, love her and take care of her like crap… then she breaks his heart and he gets upsets and uses the next girl and the cycle continues on until no one trusts each other anymore. Women bitch about men and vice versa, and worse both of us have become discount milk.
30s the new 20 I hear, you’re only as old as you feel they say… well I say that regardless what medical science has done to make us live longer, my body is aging and the year of birth on my driver’s license hasn’t change so regardless I am the age I am and I am not getting any younger. My metabolism has changed, my menstrual cycle has shortened and I can’t eat the foods I love anymore without having to keep antacids in my medicine drawer. And the older I get the smarter I am supposed to be but really the more cynical that I have become and all I realize is that I seemed to have hit the twilight dating zone, ready for the coloring to change to black and white and some strange voice come looming out of the darkness.
Earlier this year I thought I had a good thing, but those cards were stacked against me and while I still keep in touch with him I have to pull away for my own good from that dynamite filled situation. Back to dating again I’m sitting on the boat with my fishing reel in hand, throwing back the undesirable fish and taking a closer look at the ones that seem the right size. Finding the right fish is such a hard thing and right now I have a couple that I’m taking a closer look at.
When I was in my 20s I was looking for a guy that had a decent outlook on life and a nice car, I know superficial but it worked for me and getting free goodies was always fun. Now I won’t talk a drink from someone that I’m not interested in spending more time with and I won’t give a 2nd date to someone that I don’t feel a spark with. Sparks are important but I’m debating if they are even needed anymore.
Regardless the short of the situation is that I’m confused and no matter how many friends I talk to or how many decisions I make I’m still only getting more confused not less. Am I the only one? I know that answer but I think that is the only answer that I know in regards to this new dating scene. The new dating scene… plan and simple THIS SUCKS.
Lately I decided to join the dating world again, I placed an ad, I received emails and I found someone that has met my initial criteria as a “catch”. It’s a far different dating world for a woman in her 30s then when I was in my 20s. In my 20s I felt like milk that had just come from the cow’s teat. I had a long shelf life, was fresh and ready for another stage of my journey and could deal with more of a lackadaisical approach to dating. I dated older seemingly more mature men and I was proud of the catches that I found form the bay area dating pool.
Now in my 30s I feel like the discount milk, the stuff that is now 20% off because it’s going to spoil in a few days and will be dumped down the sink or forgotten about in the back of the fridge until chucks forms and the smell hits you in the face the second the refrigerator door opens. I am as close to spent milk as I can possibly be…. AND IT SUCKS.
Why is it that my ex, a man 8 years older than I starts (while we are still together) dating a woman 7 years my junior, decides to move to Vegas and keep her and discard me is living the life while my spoiled milk ass is having the hardest time trying to meet someone that I can just hang out on the couch with and sooner or later get more than a post coital hug and handshake.
I don’t think that I am aging badly; I have taken care of my face, kept it out of the sun and moisturized. I’ve been told I look young, that I’m gorgeous, down-to-earth and blah blah blah but still I have no idea what the best course of action could be. I can’t even figure out what men want these days. Is it sex? Does the girl need a shut mouth and a hot ass? Or are they really looking for more and are just as confused as I am that they keep quiet and go about their day placing ads for “casual encounters” and one night stands from women stumbling or crying as the bartender calls “last call”.
What happened in the last decade? Did dating change that much with the addition of email and cell phones? Are we all screwed to replace real people with fleshy battery operated machinery and non-committal relationships?
Talking to a girlfriend the other day, we realized that we mutually knew someone. She had contacted someone for something casual while I had wanted something heading towards long-term. Being that she and I are very different which I will not go into here, we realized a weird situation. If he really wanted what he discussed with her, would he have been lying to me and in reverse if he was being truthful with me was she going to be a passing persuasion? Which then I get confused all over again… and rightfully so.
People have a tendency to hide who they really are and I’m sorry I just put it all out there. For me there are no rules of dating, just rules of self-respect, trust and truth. I’m not going to fake what I am and I hope you don’t either but if you do the entire process is nothing but a waste of time. I HATE WASTING MY TIME… truthfully I am sure that we all hate wasting our time. It all just makes me want to scream. Fake picture, fake people…. Shit I should invent a portable lie detector to sell to those that can’t seem to seem to decipher standard communication triggers. Even better I should write a book that helps girls better interpret the “he’s just not that into you” crap.
Fuck the movie here is the short of it and the book written by a comedian (YES IT WAS)…men are simple, if you ask them what they are looking for them they will tell you and if you realize that “stiff dick has no conscience” then there is a man. A man that loves you will do anything for you and hopefully you for him but if at any time he makes standard excuses for not spending time with you and makes you feel like less of a person then you MUST run away screaming as he has moved on. And if you did the same you are not better than the guy that did it to you.
Let just call it the vicious cycle of dating… the girl falls for the 1st boy in high school, gives him her virginity and he repays her by breaking her heart. (This is more than likely the reverse) from that broken heart the girl gets upset and treats the next couple of men in her life, men that probably really want to be with her, love her and take care of her like crap… then she breaks his heart and he gets upsets and uses the next girl and the cycle continues on until no one trusts each other anymore. Women bitch about men and vice versa, and worse both of us have become discount milk.
30s the new 20 I hear, you’re only as old as you feel they say… well I say that regardless what medical science has done to make us live longer, my body is aging and the year of birth on my driver’s license hasn’t change so regardless I am the age I am and I am not getting any younger. My metabolism has changed, my menstrual cycle has shortened and I can’t eat the foods I love anymore without having to keep antacids in my medicine drawer. And the older I get the smarter I am supposed to be but really the more cynical that I have become and all I realize is that I seemed to have hit the twilight dating zone, ready for the coloring to change to black and white and some strange voice come looming out of the darkness.
Earlier this year I thought I had a good thing, but those cards were stacked against me and while I still keep in touch with him I have to pull away for my own good from that dynamite filled situation. Back to dating again I’m sitting on the boat with my fishing reel in hand, throwing back the undesirable fish and taking a closer look at the ones that seem the right size. Finding the right fish is such a hard thing and right now I have a couple that I’m taking a closer look at.
When I was in my 20s I was looking for a guy that had a decent outlook on life and a nice car, I know superficial but it worked for me and getting free goodies was always fun. Now I won’t talk a drink from someone that I’m not interested in spending more time with and I won’t give a 2nd date to someone that I don’t feel a spark with. Sparks are important but I’m debating if they are even needed anymore.
Regardless the short of the situation is that I’m confused and no matter how many friends I talk to or how many decisions I make I’m still only getting more confused not less. Am I the only one? I know that answer but I think that is the only answer that I know in regards to this new dating scene. The new dating scene… plan and simple THIS SUCKS.
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