lost in translation

why do i fee like my life is...

i am up this early for one reason, and one reason alone... my brain won't stop working in overdrive.  do i wish it could stop, well HELL YES. do i wish i knew the answer, again HELL YES. do i know how to  bring it to a resolution, well... uh... no... if i knew how to bring it to a resolution, i wouldn't be up all night thinking about it. the only true way to do it is to ask questions, i am not sure i want  answers to and to rely on half answers that don't really give me true resolution to the problems that  plague my head and now my sleep.

i have always been a pretty level headed person, as long as i know the facts. when i know the facts i  make decisions that are in my best interest. i think about things and i figure it out. i take the time and no matter how bad things could be i walk away, or i stick to it. i have never had a person that  had any type of ideal anything in my life. i didn't get the life i wanted, i have never really gotten  the things that i wanted... and after many years of struggling through bad things turn worse, i have  finally realized that my life is not my decision.

yesterday on thanksgiving, i heard my step brother say that he was "thankful for the struggle of life, because without the struggle he wouldn't know what was good" and that was definitely food for thought. my life has been a struggle, a struggle i do not share very often or with very many people. partially  because i didn't want to be judged, partially because i didn't think people wanted to hear me whine,  but mostly because i wanted it to seem on the outside like i had it ALL together.

keeping it ALL together is exhausting, and so for the last few years i have been opening up a little more. i have sought out professional help which i will never not share my experience with that. it was originally what i wanted to do, i wanted to help others with mental struggles, so the respect that i  have for the profession is no short of enormous. i miss having the type of insurance that allows me to see my psychologist on a weekly basis. i miss her, i could use her help right now, BIG TIME. as i am  sure that she would say certain things that would wake up my sensible self, who would then kick my  emotional self's ASS.

with that being said that is always the struggle i have. the struggle between my brain and my heart.  the worse thing about this situation is that my heart has been the first to give up. the words it once shared were never as strong as they were in years past, but then it is because the amount i was ready  to give in regards to my heart was small in comparison to years past. where i could cop it up to still being shattered from the actions of another, the truth was that i knew this situation was not going to be easy. it was not going to be a fun romantic type relationship as it was riddled with problems from  the start. the problems were ones i was coming into, not ones i was creating... but nonetheless they  were there.

i want to yell... i want to blame... i knew i gave warnings from the get go, i know that i tried hard  to protect myself. i have pulled back, i have removed feelings, i have replaced the chain length  fence, with a cinder block, then a brick one... now feeling like the only way to truly protect myself  is with cold war armed guards on posts with automatic machine guns. i know i am already doing that  with the sharpened knives that disguise themselves as words of concern, are really only trying to get  answers so that i can feel in the right. because if i feel in the right, and know the answers then i  can feel vindicated, right?

all i do know right now is that i didn't sign up for this. like a cable contract that gave me this  screamy deal in the beginning, i have hit the end of the contract and was given a new contract with  new verbiage that is written in Chinese symbols. as much as i don't want to "grill" anyone, i do  deserve answers to the questions that i seek. not for my heart, not for my head, but to get back the  sleep that my body deserves... if i can't sleep then i am no good for the things that do need me in my  life, which right now are my daughter and my school. right now, i will have to ask and receive the  right information so that i can make the right decisions. i can no longer listen to the voice in my  head that gives too much care to the situation... i need answers to put the skeptic at bay and keep me, not my heart or my head but my entire being, safe.

Some random thinking…

It’s been a long time since I have written a blog and a lot has changed. I used this blog as a platform to write out the sadness I had in my heart from the actions taken by my ex-husband, as well as various other issues I saw in myself and my life. I saw this as a cheap form of therapy, one in which I could try to read and reread to access the situation better. I admit other than spelling errors that I never changed the blogs contents or the message I wanted it to portray. Even as jumbled as it was sometimes.

There was a point in June 2012 that I cracked. I went to work, I sat at my desk and I fell apart crying. I had a man in my life that was self-destructing and I couldn’t help him. Like many times in my life I placed all the blame on myself instead of looking at the situation from outside. After that breakdown I sought therapy and was kindly helped by Linda Bahnsom, a marriage and family therapist, since retired, and we worked through the issues I had with my husband and with my mother. I took some time off work, tried my hardest to re-center my heart, soul, and mind as one. It worked and after two months I went back to work.

That was a bad move on my part. Work was too intense, and the Zen-like feeling that I had accomplished with therapy and calm living was instantaneously gone. I felt like I was in a cloud, when I did do something positive then I had it taken away from me… and when I did something wrong I felt like it was amplified as high as the Himalayas... regardless after talking to my physician, he advised a longer leave to re-center myself (again) and look for other employment if they couldn’t move me to another department that was less stressful.
 
 While I loved the people I worked with and what I did, it was the politics that caused my inner turmoil, it was too intense. Like coming off the greatest vacation you’ve ever been on and then going to work the next day in 4 hours of one-way traffic on a 2 mile commute while some asshole steals your lunch each and every day. In November I left again, I focused on my roommates, my friendships and my family. Christmas was hard because I was single again… which meant all the other holidays were looking to suck and then I met Chris.

Chris and I had known each other since high school, had crushes on each other complicated by friends. A friend that warned me before dating him telling me he was selfish and he lacked worth. I ignored her because it was so nice to feel wanted by someone again. When you have been lonely and then you get the touch of a human hand, you grab it. You want to hold on to it, regardless if later that hand hits you smack on the cheek or worse breaks your heart and betrays your trust.

We started dating in December 2012, and after one date he asked if I would come and spend some time at his place. From then on I spent from Tuesday through Friday at his house each week. It was nice because I could get away from my roommates and spend time in a decent house with a big TV. I cooked dinner for him most nights and we’d cuddle up in bed and fall asleep. He said “I love you” first, he gave me a key to his house and money to buy groceries. He praised me for being strong, for taking care of myself and for love him. He took me to one of my favorite places for Valentine’s day and we laughed and loved and created peace like I hadn’t had in a long time. He told me about his troubles, what he was thinking and how me hurt. We shared and he told me that his life was the best it had ever been with me. That is until I said I maybe pregnant. Then he shunned me, then he didn’t return my “I love you’s” and he stopped communicating with me altogether. I went to his house one night to try to talk, to try to understand and he said he just needed time, but then that was it. From I love you to nothing was how he treated someone that was bringing him nothing but love and care.

In late April I confirmed that I was pregnant, and even after telling him he got crueler. I didn’t think it was possible but he got even meaner, crueler, happy if I aborted it and that was all he would say. In May he returned my things. In June, I found another doctor to talk to, on the advice of my OB, I needed to make sure that I would be ready for this child, that I wouldn’t harm her, and that I would be happy by her arrival as I felt I was. Thank you Dr. Marcelle Pratt, you saved my life!! In July I saw him to try to talk to him again about the baby, about what “we” were going to do and about the next steps. He remained silent, playing with my phone charger card. In October I was encouraged by my doctors to contact him once more, I wrote a letter and sent an email saying when the baby was due, what gender it was, where I was giving birth and all the details, hoping he would contact me and want to be a part of her life but nothing. All I received back was more cruelty and hurt so I finally gave up. I would not put my child through harm by his hands.

I had my little girl, adorable and sweet, looking to me for take care of her. My parents have been nothing but loving and supportive. My family knows about her. Thinking I would never hear from him again, but I was not right. And now we are up to date…

There will be more to come but for now I had to bring you all up to date since my head is in random mode, like when you flip through channels trying to find something to watch but not focusing on anything… that is where I am at right now, so more when I can focus…

today was a hard day but my hopes are that tomorrow will be better...

it is hard to find out things after the fact and try to bring them into your present life... today was one of those days... brought on by events over the weekend and right now i feel like i am just kicking around puzzle pieces on the floor instead of studying them to see where they fit. in the past couple of months i had a lot of changes... i moved in with a man i was so in love with and thought so much of the world of i was scared to tell him that. he was going through things and so was i and when we should have been talking to each other we were scared or angry or who knows... to this day, i do love him. as much as it makes me cry at this moment, i felt he was my soulmate from the first kiss but problem after problem and two people broken from past relationships trying to venture down a path they are actually scared to walk and now we are done... did i want it this way? no. did i hope that after a couple of months of his working and being on his own that we could talk and find common ground again? yes. does it hurt any less knowing that we still haven't really had the right talk? no. do i want to try again? i don't know. would i open the door and invite him in to try? always. do i hate crying? yes... it makes me feel stupid and weak. i have always been told that i am strong, i am the string one that tries my hardest to keep the strength up in her life, but even the strong can fall and stumble once in a while. i am not on a pedestal and if anyone ever told me that they couldn't then they are lucky that they have never had to fall. sort falls are much better for me then long falls though. just like a kid climbing a tree, a fall from 4ft won't hurt as much as a fall from 6ft etc, etc, etc... but on the other end it takes more effort to climb to the 6ft and fall then climbing to 4ft so what is better? the long falls that are more crippling but you learn more from or the short falls that keep you climbing? regardless i am at a total crossroads... do i try and give this one more chance or do i focus on myself, become selfish and self focused and try for a life that may lead me to financial success and cougardom. i am sick of feeling lost, i am sick of feeling stupid and all in all i want the morning of 12/14/2011 back again when my sweet boyfriend bought me supermarket store carnations in my favorite color and focused on us.. i want last year back because this year didn't work and i don't know if anything will work... as i sit here and cry i just want things to be okay again and not just for me, for all the people that are hurting right now in my life... do i know what to do? no. do i wish i did? i don't know.... right now i just don't know.

this funny little thing called love

so i have been thinking for a couple of days how weird relationships really are, along with my definite failure of them. regardless where the blame may lie, i am just not good at them. oddly enough i have come to realize, with the help of an awesome psychotherapist, that i really have issues with them. on the simple side i just change, i become someone different... a more caring me that promotes more of a slave type image than that of her once cocky fun loving chill persona that i started with. as odd as it is, i have figured out that this dual persona is a simple combination of both my mother, the cocky confident redhead, and my grandmother, the cookie cooking hug giver lover of family. i have realized that when i truly don't care about someone i stay in redhead mood... probably also part of the reason that i dye my hair red and stay overly confident to a fault that i am a true bitch. on the other end when i end up in a relationship, i begin as the cocky one and then i become the more nurturing one. i take on more fault in the issues of the relationship and i tend to lose myself by chameleoning their likes... why do i lose myself in a relationship... or is it just that i put my worst foot forward first, and when i calm down they don't like the more nurturing sweet persona. and why does this only seem to be in relationships... with friends i am me, good or bad... well right now being that i have ended another one, trying when i should have given up, caring when the other care was gone and still very angry with him for not being truthful with me. but then maybe he was truthful with me and i was too dense to see... regardless i am done with relationships. i am done with focusing on someone else when they aren't focusing on me. i am done. i won't say i was broken by this last relationship but that is a lie, i was. i was more than i was from my marriage. i was because with my marriage i was blindly entering the valley of despair and in this relationship i knew where i was treading. i stupidly knew... i just want to take a breather... too much this time broke and i can only thank the anti-depressants, my doctors and my friends for bringing me out of it. i needed to find me again. i am still not there because therapy takes time and its worth each and every co-pay that i spend. i would have never decided to make this choice without being at a very low point. i thank the people that saw it and truly cared, did just fain care and tell me things like "you're strong, this isn't you. get over it" or "why don't you think about all the things going right in your life". when you are depressed you see nothing but a dark long black tunnel that you are in without a flashlight or any guidance. to a point at my lowest i was suicidal but with only thoughts to guide me to an end with no guts to complete the mission at hand. was it hard, yes. is it over, i hope. do i need to figure out what i truly want in my life above and beyond all others... completely. do i still have my weak moments... HELL YES! it is just one of those things... i feel like depression is a cancer of the mind that needs time and help like chemo to kill it. it may go into remission and be gone forever or it may get a trigger that brings it right back. regardless knowing that you have the illness is the first step in any situation to conquer it. i will conquer this and i will learn from this...i will learn from this...

absense does truly make the heart grow fonder

so last night i am writing in my journal as i try to do each night and i wrote something that i actually had a realization about. i was missing my boyfriend, plain and simple. he left april 8th to fly from the bay area to fairmont, nc so that he could help his dad with a special construction project and hopefully pocket some cash. this fun little project has grown in complexity and now officially he has been gone for 6 weeks now with no real return date in sight. which is beginning more and more each day to suck. i won't say that things were going perfectly before he left but we were progressing. as each person with baggage of bad relationship pasts ghost wanders in and out of the closet so did he and i have our conflicts which lead to understanding and better communication. to the point that sunday mornings were our "let the world just go away" time. laying in each other’s arms, talking about the weeks’ worth and laughing about the silly little things that had been bigger monsters of frustration sometimes only mere moments before hand. i have grown to realize that grown-up relationships aren't perfect, far from actually but that they take baby steps called communication to truly be the less scared tortoise or ostrich that brings their head back into the light after a rough patch. the boyfriend and i both have the same views in regards to life, relationships and feelings. we are both strong, stubborn and opinionated but we respect each other which is far more than my ex or any of my other relationships claimed. shortly before my boyfriend left he asked me if i considered him my best friend? having labeled only female friends with that title in the past i can admit that the questions perplexed me greatly. i can admit that i never saw a man that i was with as my best friend... i can only assume because the term best friend has always been taught to me as your closest friend and while i can use my grandmother as a great example i still thought "no" until yesterday that is. prior to last night, my best friend was only a friend... while the gender could have been female or male, the intention of best friend was that this person i could share almost anything with but that there were still things that i would hold back from a best friend. i can admit that i discuss more with a partner than i would a friend. i have had too many friends hurt me in one way or another through fault of my own or them. a best friend i could not talk to for months at a time and much like a daytime soap opera, one phone call or conversation and i was back up to speed on. a best friend you hang out with but time spent with them is secondary to that of a partner/boyfriend. there is something about intimacy and sharing of things taboo or scary or foreign or harmful that i will only do with a partner, with my boyfriend and a best friend just falls a little below that status. in my opinion and we can blame how i was raised, if you need something to blame, that i place my partner in the number 1 spot, family in number 2 and friends in number 3 followed by all others. some of my friends have become family over the years like jackie and david, i consider them family more than anything else especially with over 25 years of knowing each other but few raise in the ranks like that. a best friend does comes close to a partner in certain events but never 100% of the time and while i kept thinking this way i realized last night that i missed my boyfriend as that best friend as well. i knew when he asked that we weren't quite there, i knew that we were close like a pebble ready to plummet off a high cliff but that it would take something to get us to that point. i was right. what it took was a first turn, what it took was a conversation where i was the first one giving the advise to him, what it took was that conversation and the day without hearing from him after it that made me realize that i truly missed him. this morning i got a picture of him in solace, his solace which is the water... go figure for a pisces. he is calmest when he is near water, he is best and most level headed when he is near the water, he is at peace. i can understand that, i love nature, all nature and as much as the culture of the city excites and intrigues me i am most at peace when i am away from all people and all things and i can hide. when i grabbed my journal last night i realized that i missed him, not certain parts of him but all of him the silly jokes and goofy smiles, the arguments that ended in little jabs to the ribs or kisses and hugs, the cuddling through the night and the smell of him on my sheets in the morning, the short and long conversations that ended in a hug, a kiss or more each time i needed it. when i miss someone that i love and i know i love him so much but that is for another blog on another day... when i miss someone it actually aches in my the middle of my chest. it is not my actual heart but my metaphorical heart that throbs for the attention given by him. i sat last night and wrote clear as the writing on my license plate 'i miss my best friend'. plain and simple, no more explanation just clear as daylight i miss my best friend. our relationship has hit the point where i know where i need to be, what i need to do and who i want to be with. truthfully after my crappy marriage i wasn't sure i wanted to get to this place again and i didn't know if i could, i didn't know if i ever would be able to and i wasn't truly sure if i wanted to be knowing the potential joy and potential hurt that this instance may or may not cause. but when it comes down to it you have to trust your gut and while my heart isn't always right, my gut is fool proof. so here and now after writing what i could only recognize as an epiphany i am feeling more anxious to see my boyfriend, my partner and my best friend. even if this stupid project takes another month to get finished i know that i can watch dumb romantic comedies and look forward to the moment that i can kiss him again and see the smile on his face and the glow in his beautiful green eyes. i truly understand my heart growing fonder :) it’s a nice feeling...

after the words... numb is easy

when i was younger the last thing i would ever think in my entire life is that turning myself back to the feeling of numb or rather the lack of feeling... i have noticed that in my life, when i am happy i vibrate like a rainbow, full of the color spectrum and ready for anything that life is ready to give me. regardless the cash in my pocket, the job that i attend on a daily basis or the people in my life. i can spend the entire day inside the house and still be productive. but when i am numb there is no colors... i don't smile, i don't care and there is nothing that i can take pride in.

i will admit that i wasn't a full rainbow lately, too many things on my mind were clouding my judgment and my day to day interactions. i felt like a scared animal, only taking a step when i knew the ground beneath me wouldn't give and most of the time not moving much at all. as my cats do when they are in a new place, i had my paws underneath my body and my tail wrapped closely in the same manner. i realized yesterday after having all day to think that I am scared, not of one certain thing but of one resounding thing that takes a good 73% of my head right now.

last night i slept, but it wasn't restful. being numb allows no comfort, it is just a place of protection and it allows your brain to try to function on a less emotional and more rational space. but it doesn't mean that anything is truly functioning the way you are supposed to function or worse yet the way you want to function.

i have realized yesterday after going into "numb mode" that after being burnt so many times in my life by people that claim to love me that it is easier and easier to navigate into. if i were to use the gears of a car for my life you have drive, reverse and neutral... numb is simply neutral and when in neutral on a hill you are screwed but luckily right now i am not on a hill... thank f#$%ing god i am not on a hill.

right now i am trying to decide a next move with baited breath and fingers crossed that the person that i love right now will make the first move so that i can decide the second. i know that he has made a move, but the move is just words and until actions follow i don't know where to go. i have always told someone that i care about that while i am bright i want the words and actions communicated in my relationship to be simple so that there is no misunderstanding. if there is no misunderstanding then he can make his move, place his cards on the table and i can decide whether i want to bet or whether i want to throw in my hand.

in this situation i know that this man that i love is the one. i have had dreams since we first met of the potential of our relationship but my gutt said from the get go that paradise is but the destination through a valley of thorns and hardships. i knew coming into this that it wasn't going to be easy but the strength of this wonderful relationship would prosper when it was ready to as long as neither of us gave up when the going got tough. my gutt was on track but this toughness was more than i have ever bared in my life. i have never been scared of someone that i love, not in the matter that he would ever do harm to me but in the fact that i never know the mood that he is going to walk through the door with. i feel like i am always wearing a bullet proof vest and ready to grab the gun and shoot (purely metaphorical people)...if he comes in this way then i have to be A... and if its this way then I have to be B and so on and so forth so I AM CONSTANLY ON EDGE... sometimes the colors of the day reveal themselves early and sometime they reveal themselves late. but i am always on edge waiting for the next pin to drop.

now i know this isn't healthy for me, i know that feeling like a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs is no way to love life... i know, I Know, I KNOW... but its what i chose to do right now. over the last week he has been back east helping his dad with a project. a project that started out paying one thing and then got reduced and then got changed and now my poor man in working at least 12 hour days for what can only end up paying him slave wages. but when you are unemployed with no income, you take what you can get. regardless that i knew this was not going to be a good time for us, i knew that the conversation on sunday was going to happen and i knew that i was about to put myself in numb mode so that i could try and get through it.

after my failures in life which i feel are tending to outweigh my achievements i turn to numb because it is the safest thing for my heart and my soul. i love certain things about my life but right now i can't talk about them. right now i can't even pull a word into my brain and try to think about them. right now the smiles that i will sport are fake and if i put on a movie that i know would make me cry, i don't think anything would happen and so it is time for creation. when i am numb i can create, my mind is most clear for creation whether it is for writing, design or creation. so for now i will deal with numb and i will create and i will feel like i am holding my breath until i can come out of numb, but right now who knows how long that is going to be.

ears are the speakers to the heart

do you ever hear, and i am sure that you do, that the eyes are the window to the soul... well the other day after having an emotionally explosive conversation with my boyfriend that my ears are the speakers to my heart.

as i got hung up on that day i was the widest range of emotions that a person could be and without going into them i tried to sleep away the disbelief of the conversation. instead i stared at the ceiling in our bedroom and watch the ceiling fan slowly circle. it was mesmerizing but not what i needed. i needed it to be tiring, exhausting and anything that would allow my eyes to close and let the conversation run out my ears and onto the pillow that surrounded them.

after a while i realized that i needed to travel over to the bi-weekly dinner appointment with the grandparents and so a quick shower, a push of the clock radio sleep button and picking out clean clothes to get ready for a nice couple of hours with the people that as far apart in age as we are tend to "get" me. i jumped in the car and as i switched back in forth between my two favorite radio stations i heard only the songs that were directly affecting my mood that evening. which by the way my mood was worthless, as worthless as a penny with a parking meter.

all i caught were the sad songs that pushed me further and further into a funk that i just wanted to try to get out of but more than likely what was going to happen was avoidance. avoidance is easy... or easier... but as i switched back and forth it seemed ever damn song was the bad ones and ever word that my ears focused in on made the tears rush down my face faster than the ones just before. as i drove to the grandparents i realized that my ears always do this. they exemplify my mood through the songs that i hear and i constantly have my radio on.

i realized when i am ready to take a road trip that i pack the songs that make my foot caress and push the gas pedal and when i am not in my head i actually turn off my radio, which is a much rarer moment that when i have the music blaring. thinking about this on the ten minute drive to the grandparents felt like a thousand tiny daggers stabbing me but could i turn off the radio.. nope, nope, nope.

when i finally arrived at the location and unlocked the front door i almost fell on the floor because i wanted away from that damn car's haunting voice as quickly as possible. the grim reaper seemed to follow those lyrics and instead i ran into the house, puddling on the floor the instant the door had been closed behind me. i looked around and realized the house was quiet.. quieter than normal which when you have 90 year old grandparents freaks one out. i picked myself up and checked in the bedroom, no sleeping grandma and then into the garage with no grandpa but with a car.... shit, shit, shit.

totally forgetting that they were at the coast on the night where i needed to talk. i laid on the couch for what seemed like an hour but was literally only a few minutes while tears streamed down my face, i couldn't figure myself out. i thought do i just stay here, he wasn't there but that wasn't what was keeping it away... it was his ghost, his ghost kept me away. and the haunting lyrics that were going to play with my heart the second i got back in the car. what was i going to do, i couldn't hide forever especially at my grandparents house. plus it was sunday and i had to work tomorrow.

finally after more empty feelings flooded my brain filled with some anger and a huge lack of focus i walked back out of the house and trepidatiously walked to greet death sitting in my passenger seat, smoking a cigarette with the window down and his sandaled foot sitting cockily on my dash board. death smiled at me, which pissed me off, but i still got into the car and as i turned on the car and the radio came to life like frankenstein my eyes welled up again with tears.

this is not what i was willing to take right now. this was not what i wanted for my last day off of the weekend and the first weekend where i was fully in our place. or at least that was the reason that i moved for us. instead now i was lost and trying to figure my way and allowing every dumb depressing song to turn my eyes into Niagara falls. the whole day left me trying to figure or refigure everything in my life since the moment i stepped out of the budget moving truck back in 2009. what was i doing back in this damn town trying to find something i was never ever going to find again and what was my next step going to be. ever since having felt like i lost everything to bring death into my car, i feel as if i am lost and the more lost i am the more the radio plays the crappiest songs to keep my heart in that mood. so for now the radio has been turned off in my car and in my office... for now i am closing the speakers to my heart until i am ready to hear the words again... right now my ears are closed to save my heart..

will the patriots of this country please come forward

i have been thinking about this for the past couple of days and the whole patriotic short fall of this country is laughable. we are coming up on yet another tragedy that befell our country on our own soil and we will again do the "i remember" bullshit of years past. these are the same people that piss me off for flying tattered faded flags off their cars or in front of their houses and only celebrate or make mention of our country when they have to such as national holidays of remembrance.

americans whether you came here on a boat, a plane or were born in this beautiful country need to remember that you are lucky to have the accesses to freedom that you have. regardless the technical politics of this country that you agree or disagree with. we are the most guarded country by our military whether foreign or domestic. you have embassies in every country you can travel to and even in the worst situation they will open there doors to you and protect you. and even our reservists help keep our country from getting worse by continually training and be ready to assist our country should ANYTHING happen.

i appreciate those that have given even a second to defend my right to work where i want, eat what i want, drink what i want and anything else that i want to do. this country may have its shortfalls but if you don't like it you can easily GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM or TRY SOMEPLACE ELSE!!

if you are the type of patriot that i am, you will always find yourself mouthing the words to our national anthem, you will tear up at just that spot before the end and you know where it is. you will own a flag that you will take pride in displaying with respect and solidarity as an american citizen. you will stand a little straighter watching that flag (or any other) blow in the breeze and remembering what your own family members may have done to insure that.

on this september 11th i will do the same thing that I do every september 11th which is NOTHING. I am proud today, I was proud yesterday and I am proud tomorrow to be AN AMERICAN. I will do for my country what my country deserves and I will thank those like my father (air force), my grandfather (Navy), my best friend Dave K (Navy) and my step brother Ryan (Air Force) for ensuring my countries safety and overall success. It is not the steps of this country that make it GREAT, it is its overall progression to keep us smiling on a daily basis and not making ALL OF US stand in line for food or services.

take the time to get your head out of your asses and STOP being superficial patriots. the USA has been through worse and survived, this is just taking a little longer than we had hoped but WE WILL SURVIVE THIS TO...

... and the vicious cycle continues...

it is hard enough sometimes to take a big long look at your life and say to yourself "i fucked up, i fucked up somewhere and this is not where i want to be." it is even harder to try to figure out which minute string of the spider web known as your life is causing you to lose the flies you are trying to catch to sustain your life. i have realized sometimes it is all a front. a strong woman that has confidence, keeps a smile on her face through just about anything and inspires other to do the best for their life and their happiness, isn't always who i am.

i put on this front many, many years with my ex husband. there were times when i wanted to just crawl in bed after a ridiculously hard day to just vent, cry and have him there to pet my hair and us together figure out what needed to be done. but time after time on those days, i didn't get that. he was emotionally not there for me... i know for a fact that is why i gained the weight that i did. i know that he pulled me away from my family and friends so they weren't there for me either. and i know that after years of feeling alone in a relationship, i just gave up and put up this front of being uber confident.

after finally having the balls to give up on my marriage to a selfish, unloving, cheating man... it took me a long while to actually open my heart again. i have written previous blogs where i talk about feeling empty and yet again here i am feeling empty. wondering what part of myself i need to change to conform to the social norms and fill that space again. i have other female friends that are the same and may not do the same but for me i feel spent and wasted and full of holes most times. i like who i am but there is definitely two different sides to me.

as a friend i have realized that i am blunt and we are talking brutally blunt. i have never tried to make a friend cry and i have also never really ever given up on a true friend. i have had to remove friends from my life because in one way, shape or form because they had just become acquaintances by their actions which were emotionally or mentally harmful to me. but truthfully i am a great friend, i protect, mentor, shelter, advise and help my true friends. i am there for them no matter what time of day and i will put my life on hold if they need me. i will be the strength to their weakness and keep them focused on the positive because i can see their beauty, compassion and hope for better in their own lives even when they have mentally locked themselves away in a dark room. it takes a lot for me to give up on a friend and it is only when i feel a lack of partnership between myself and someone as a friend that i have to say goodbye.

as a significant other, i am vastly different. there have always been things that i keep locked away just for the person that fills that spot. it is the emotion, the true hopes and dreams, the working together to get some where... with my ex my dreams were crushed. it is one thing to mutually decide things together, it is yet another to be forced down a path you never wanted. when i was in my early 20s i looked towards my grandparents for inspiration on relationships. i wanted the family, i wanted the kids and the true companionship. i have seen where in the instances my grandfather was weak, my grandmother was strong and vice versa. i have seen the reason that they have been married more than 70 years. ultimately that was what i wanted, i said i wanted kids by a certain age, a house and the finer things to be happy and be productive in society. i met someone that said he wanted the same to, but it was all lies. i know that now, but then i always ALWAYS gave in to him....

i was severely broken after him. my trust was shot, my confidence was shot and i figured i would be alone forever. it was my one shot and i blew it. it was my one chance and somehow i ruined it. looking back i know it ruined me. each time i think maybe this time, i think perhaps this will work and i restructure my approach to something then i get shit on. and it isn't as if this guys was perfect, it wasn't as if he had the key to truly unlock things... but i do think each one is actually helping to build my walls higher than my ex's actions could ever build a fortress around me.

this time i cried... i cried before i went to bed last night, i tossed and turned all night and i woke up with tears running down my face again. and shaking my head, i know it wasn't the single actions of this man or perhaps boy... regardless it wasn't him that put me here right now, it was them. it was the men i dated after my marriage fell apart, it was the boyfriend that gave me everything and but for one little thing we couldn't make it. it was the series of bad dates, lame hook-ups and lack luster people that make me feel like giving up completely.

after my post last night, i feel loved. my best friend's phone call was immediate - he seems to hurt when i hurt and is very over protective. he has seen how i open up and get stomped on... he says "it's the guys i pick" and while i agree i couldn't put all of them in the same category to save my life so i am truthfully not sure what characteristic that i choose that helps me to hurt myself each time. i probably could make a list and with my feminine thinking truly figure out what one trait puts them all in the same category... oh wait i know, it would be their penis's... sorry that is my lame attempt at humor at this point... additionally some minutes later my new fav friend called, she is a breath of fresh warm air, seemingly a younger version of me with all the same passion and confusion for life. we spent the best weekend together and now i know we are true friends. after time talking to both of them, my cheerleaders in the "you're great - he sucks" rally that is my dating life MOST times, i crawled in bed and proceeded to cry myself to sleep.

my emotions got the better part of me last night, as much as this guy apologized and tried to not, in his words "be the asshole", well he was... but he wasn't the first and won't be the last. each time this happens i get more in the mindset that this is the best it is going to be for me. i waited too long to walk away from my last relationship and now i am going to remain this single female, living alone, collecting friends and cats, creating less than relationships with men because when i play the "come get me" female i am wrong just as much as when i play the "i'll get you" female. i seriously don't know what to do, i frustrated, i'm hurt and i don't want to try any more. i am sick of being hurt by the smallest of actions because i stack each failure on top of the last one... and right now my failures are seriously outweighing my accomplishments...

who's says that giving up is necessarily a bad thing

so tuesday was a pretty crappy day. all in all it ended better than it started but only slightly because i hurt someone that i would have never intended to hurt but being the stubborn crazy female that i am, it was destined to end this way. kinda reminds me a little of the Gwen Stephani song "ex boyfriend" which repetitively states "i kinda always knew you'd end up my ex boyfriend" regardless the label on the situation i went from kinda interested to ridiculously infatuated and with that from funny to desperate.... looking back that is totally the way i read things now but hindsight always is 20/20.

it sucks because while i don't need any more 'friends' in my life, i am very happy with the select few that i have and trust... but i projected so much further down the road with this guy that i couldn't have backed up to meet him even if i would have 150% tried.

i guess the situation is this.... a relationship with someone begins at the first step that you take getting to know each other. you meet and begin down a path together, grabbing each other when one falters because the path is set in front of you, regardless how easy it may be to travel. i know that there have been times in my life where i have dropped the person's hand with i am walking with and either stopped or ran ahead. part of the issue is that regardless whether i have stopped or progressed past them, i still dropped their hand in the first place. dropping someone's hand is bad because if you bounded ahead over obstacles you may not find your way back and if you have stopped well the path may have gotten dark.

i feel that the beginning of the relationship is crucial but talking through texts and emails is not the same as talking in person. i can pull details where i know that i was reading them wrong and INTERPRETING the situation instead of understanding it. looking back i see that now but i dropped his hand and ran ahead because i saw these great ideals of what "could be" and not what was actually happening. what sucks is i have done it before and i am sure that i will do it again.

at this point i gave in and gave up. i turned off the emotions a couple times on him, i bounded ahead and then came back but i still forgot to grab his hand, i may have reached out but i didn't grab it and then bounding ahead i realized that i was ahead AGAIN and now i have lost him.

i did two very wrong things in this relationship... i interpreted writings like hieroglyphics and i didn't reaffirm the translations in person. the horrible things is that he is really a great guy and he can't even see it. he asks "why" and makes himself less than he is.... last night i even networked with a friend of his and couldn't stop asking questions even though i know i have now bounded onto another path, back on a singular path per say.

that is when i have come to the conclusion that this one is ok to give up on. my friends are being as they should, telling me that i was ok, that i am awesome, that better will come along but i'm only taking them with a grain of salt. this is not a time that i need to be pumped up or told that i was right when i don't feel right. i think it is because i have grown up to see both sides of this situation. i look back at our first meeting as if he was perfect and i was crushing on a guy in high school. you know the one that i was never going to talk to and all i did was doodle his name in hearts on notebooks and talk to my girl friends about how cute his hair was or what he wore and how great his butt looked. i started swooning thinking about him with my heart thumping and my head filling with silly girl dreams.

i wanted to instantly add him and everything about him to my life even to my own detriment. worse is that because i was so delusional i bordered on desperation because i was willing to give him anything. you want $20 sure, you want me to buy you food sure, you want to take my car sure, you want a kidney sure. part of the problem with how i was raised, i am willing to help out on any level and i don't see it as undercutting someone's pride because it just is what it is, being raised by a bunch of southerners... its the way we work.

but right now while i still want him in my life, i was mean, i was judgmental and i was in the wrong. i can't hope that he will forgive me but i can still wish the best for him and his life because he deserves it. i know i can proceed forward knowing that he has good friends that will take care of him which is all he needs right now, it was not a good time for us regardless the label and as much as it hurts, i have to keep thinking that way. i hope that he will realize his greatness one day, i hope he will realize that many people love him and i hope he finds the best person to put a label on who will be there for him but for my safety, sanity and self, i need to give up on this one and realize in this situation that giving up isn't a bad thing...

is it better just to be single....

i think that i have had just a fucking enough of this game that is played by the "i'm not ready" crowd of men that i have seem to be dating recently. now i will exclude the ones that politely if not all together bluntly warn me of their non-committal attitude or shall we call it nature, but the ones that are "unsure", "not ready" or "thought they were ready for something" better stay the fuck out of my path from now on.

i am absolutely sick of their selfish attitude when it comes to relationships. don't get me wrong, i am guarded and have my walls coming into a new relationship... in the dating phase i ask the questions that i need to have answered so that i can determine if i want to put time into someone. it is not a mutual two way street with me, i have to feel that there is a bond that i can see growing and blossoming into a full relationship. i have to see potential regardless of their personal situation. i have to also have a spark with someone which means they have to make my toes curl. i ask all the tough questions right off the bat, the ones that appease my biological clock, my maternal instinct, the inner shrink, the external child and all the other warped personality traits that make up myself at 34 years of age. i do this because i was hurt and i don't want to get hurt again. i can't recover if i let someone in too far and they hurt me. i would much prefer to give the suitor the real reason that i can't proceed with our relationship and not toy with their emotions but each time i let someone in that gets through the hills of my psychological analysis and into the valley of my real personality, i get SCREWED.

i am so baffled by this last one that i am actually stuck at a crossroads.... we started out fine, talking about mutual wants, mutual problems, lots and lots of mutual’s which allowed me to engage more than i normally do. I mean truthfully i have only told 3 people in my life that i loved them. the first was my very first boyfriend Jack, the second was my ex husband Richard and the third was my last boyfriend Mike. Each man has broken my heart and with the last being just over a year ago and the few losers that i have dated in the meantime i felt that i could let this one in but BOY WAS I WRONG.

this one was worse than the last 3 all together because he has not a fucking clue what he wants. now i know that i can be a chameleon in a relationship because there are certain things that really don't matter to me. i can eat just about anything and just about anywhere so when it comes to grabbing a bite to eat or making dinner, i am pretty easy going, another avenue where i tend to be easy is music, i love it all therefore i will listen to it all... as for which side of the bed, another thing i could give less than a care as long as the covers don't get stolen and perhaps i get a kiss or a cuddle sometime through the night.

on other items i am more steadfast, i feel deprived by my ex husband for not giving me a child and while i don't want one tomorrow, i do feel that i am about 2 feet from a cliff that i am about to fall off of and my biological clock is ticking so loud that it is making the ground under my feet vibrate and stumble closer to the edge. I also have certain things about my personality that at my age are not going to change, i like others for who they are good and bad and i expect the same attitude from others. the reason that my friend Helena and i get along so well, we can give a flying fuck what you think about us, love us or hate us, that is your choice, it will not affect how we live our lives.

but when you answer an ad that i put out giving you expectations of my intentions and we have good conversations, a great date and i end up adoring you immediately by the little things, it is going to grow. like many others when i am totally frustrated i cry and i question others to truthfully try to figure it out. i consider myself a quite bright person but when it comes down to it. i do admit to getting confused sometimes and the critical thinker in me starts to put YOUR actions together the way a detective would try to solve a crime.

so my inner detective that this written in the journal about this crime....
on march 6th suspect sent email through craigslist explaining who he was and why he wanted to reply to my ad
through the next two weeks the suspect and victim exchanged emails, chats, text messages and phone conversations leading to the agreement of a mutual meeting on march 19th
on march 19th the suspect came alone to a group gathering of the victim and her friends where the suspect engaged in conversation and purchased dinner and drinks for the victim in between the occasional romantic situation such as kissing, hand holding and cuddling
the suspect remained at the victims house for the evening and left the morning of the 20th with no romantic relations being recorded
on the 22nd the suspect warned the victim that he was getting ill and to take care of herself
on the 26th the suspect advised the victim that he could not attend her event
through the next 15 days the suspect and victim kept up casual conversation
on april 4th the victim visited the suspects home after an evening out with her girl friends and proceeded to have romantic relations with the suspect and then left the next morning
over the next few days the victim continued to engage the suspect with limited success
on april 10th the victim decided to advise the suspect that he needed to focus on his life and that she would be available to him when he needed it but that she was going to "pull away" for a little while
on april 27th the suspect returned the email to the victim letting her know of the situations in his life and making certain requests which the victim accepted and began conversations again with the suspect
that weekend the suspect and his son came for a visit at the victim's apartment
over the next weekend, conversations became friendlier and the victim requested the presence of the suspect at a work related event which he accepted
a few days (approximately may 4th) prior the suspect requested that the victim come the evening before the event and stay with him at his house knowing what additional responsibilities that the victim had for said party.
the victim spent the weekend with the suspect, again engaging in romantic relations
on may 8th the victim left the suspect's house to return home and the suspect advised her that he (again) was having issues with their arrangement and needed to "slow down" the victim agreed
on may 13th the victim took a friend and went and hung out with the suspect denoting the evening to a "hang out" session, the victim and friend conversed about the evening on the drive home in a positive way
on may 17th the suspect requested time with the victim specifically requesting "spending the night" which was allowed by the victim again romantic relations
on may 19th the victim and her friend engaged in another "hang out" session where the suspect was more than pre-occupied for the evening with his cell phone and a conversation with another party
on may 23rd while talking through text, the suspect advised the victim that he could no longer have romantic relations with the victim because he had "met someone" through a chat session and the victim's heart exploded causing death

really that is how i feel..... i am not sure if i am too trusting or just fucking DUMB. i mean i know that i am gullible, i am sure that i get used by people more than i realize but truthfully i am not a person that just jumps from bed to bed to bed. i want a connection with the person that i am having "relations" with or else i am not gonna do it. literally, i am a woman of the modern age and our society gives females more than enough battery powered goodies to satisfy those urges...

this guy i could really see a future with and i wanted to give him the time he needed to get over the last bad relationship, get into counseling (his want) get himself figured out and us start fresh again, but i am not sure if i am on the point of wanting to break something or i just want to sit in a corner and cry. he wants me to be his friend but how can i sit and watch another girl take the position that i wanted with him. i can't, i think it is torturous even trying and i have never been one to purposely torture myself. i am calling BULLSHIT now a lot, on everything that he said and everything that he did because truthfully if he just wanted sex, why did he do the cute stuff? the stuff that made my friends all think that he was genuine and caring and not full of shit, but obviously he is more screwed up than even i realize. he needs a good rebound that he can fuck over and allow to further fuck with his head and hurt him because he will never truly appreciate a girl that understands him, cares for him and just wants the best for him. therefore right now i think it is just better to remain single and stay away from all men in general. i will have no time for them as soon as the fall comes with my job and with school and with the people that i actually care about that want me in their lives.

i feel that i deserve better than someone that doesn't know what they want. i deserve someone that will protect me as much as i will them and all the mushy love stuff in between. i think this one has hurt me more than he knows and i am sick of crying over men that seem to take pleasure in making others hurt. he has no clue what he did and he has no clue what he just lost. from his words i felt secondary, especially when he stated "nothing has happened yet", now how am i supposed to take that, how am i supposed to support a friend when i want so much more from him than friendship and worse yet my heart is more broken from the fact that his son is so precious but like Skylar (my step son) oh so many years before the entire time with him was just a disappointment. I can’t and I won’t do this again, I need to realize that life isn’t gonna give me what I want, it isn’t because as good of a person as I think I was my karma must be FUCKEd UP and maybe for now it is better to just be single.....

feeling like cinderella at midnight.... again

why exactly does this continue happening to me? right when i think things are on track, right when i think i met someone that i could see building something with, then the shit hits the fan and i'm stuck holding my single glass slipper, my horses have turn to mice and my carriage is a smashed pumpkin like the ones on the street the day after halloween. i just don't get it...

before i begin my tirade, let me give you a little of a back story. i meet this guy about a month ago online... he wrote an adorable intro about himself and i thought "what the hell, not my norm but he seems cool so let's give it a try". after a great deal of texting and emails in which it was revealed similar past relationships, some mutual likes and definitely the same wants for the future.... seems like something worth moving forward with, right?

so we scheduled a meeting, a date but more of like a meeting since it wasn't just gonna be the two of us. actually truthfully this guy was walking into what i can only describe as a possible 'shit storm'. i warned him that he was meeting some of the most important friends that i have and that there may be a little bit of torture but nothing crippling. the meeting was more of a success than i was expecting but looking back i realize but that was the top of the mountain and the path down was going to be full of potholes and sharp rocks.

after that is was.... well i have no fucking clue what has happened since that evening.. a sickness, too busy at work, conflicting schedule, time off.... fuck i mean it just seemed like one excuse after another. and what's worse is that the glow that i had from the first meeting, the feelings that went with that glow and the prospect of a future with someone that actually understands what i went through from my marriage and what i didn't want to ever go through again with a partner. but the excuses.... when are they real and when are they just too much to believe?

it so sucks because i had the best communication with this guy, the best chemistry actually the only chemistry that i have had with someone in more than a year and while there were definitely some hurdles, like the fact that he lived in another town and the fact that he has an adorable son (which scares the hell out of me)... well they were definitely something that i could deal with. the weird thing was that when we started talking i was the one making the excuses and he was the one with all the perfect answers. now its him making the excuses and me wondering what the hell i did wrong and why we seemed to go from green to red... green to yellow is totally understandable but green to red... ugh!

the whole thing just makes me feel so stupid, and of all things in my life I am fine with feeling dumb every once in a while, that's life but stupid is not something that i have any control over. i felt stupid throughout my marriage. like everything was my fault and no matter how much i tried to get things right, it just wasn't good enough. this is feeling like that all over again and i don't know why i internalize the blame and the guilt to the situation but i can't point the finger at the other person. even when they are pointing their finger at themselves, i still have the instinct of being in the wrong.

i just hate this.... i really like this guy and i think he really likes me but what am i supposed to do. ignore him and try to focus on the things that i need to do? well that ends up worthless when i take a moment and my head goes back to thinking about what is going on with him. keep in minor contact with him hoping for a reply or better yet a conversation full of useless babble because no real subjects are being broached and with that how much am i supposed to believe.... we are all so preconditioned nowadays to not share the truth for a fear of being vulnerable. but what is that vulnerability is what shows our prospective partner where they are needed to be the strength in our lives because no one is invulnerable but right now i feel like throwing my arms up and saying "i give up" because right now i feel like cinderella at midnight... will my prince come back or will i be stuck with a broken pumpkin, a ripped dress and a bunch of mice watching me cry in the ashes?

frustration in the form of a text

do you ever get a text and think WTF! i mean seriously i think i just figured out the true personality of a new, now lost friend of mine just because of a text. this morning i was woken up by my phone buzzing on the oak stained nightstand. looking over at it completely annoyed but interested in who the text may be from, i grab the cold electronic device and punched in my password. again the machine buzzs in my hand because its not one text but two.

as i read the words once then again because at first i didn't think i was reading them right, i realize that i had just been defriended.... now i know i am not perfect, but defriending someone through a text is just as lame and breaking up with someone by text or canceling on a date via text. consider me old fashioned but i just think that these situations of such high emotion are better left to a phone call... not a text of less than 160 characters or in this case 320....

so i reply back, hoping for a reply but ultimately not expecting it because a person that decides to be so immature as to not call you to explain why they are upset with you and making this request is very wimpy in regards to conflict resolution anyways. whats actually funnier yet is the job that this person is going to is anything but.... oh well que sera sera.

my frustration is just the fact that texting has become the social norm. it is an easier way to communicate with people when you want to get something done quickly and normally easily but a text. like any form of written communication is not interpreted by the writter but the one receiving it. do you know how easy it is to misinterpret something you read. i bet if i was in a room of people and asked right now if you had ever had a text that left you more than a little confused that everyone would raise their hand. hell i have been overly confused many times by a text and have to reread it or request an explaination from the sender.

the question is really is this a justified way to get bad news or really any important news from someone? it seems like if we continue down this path that sooner or later, we will have keypads surgically implanted into our forearms and we will be asking our loves to marry us through text messages. so people i BEG you, BREAK THE CYCLE!

you are not a bad person by making a call and explaining your actions in person to the person. truthfully you would do better with the person that you are trying to break the news to by talking to them over the phone or better yet IN PERSON.... we are all old enough to have had some disappointment and rejection in our life. we have all been hurt, we have all cried whether we admit to it or not... but for god's sake have the BALLS to call someone and explain why you are upset with them and allow them to confirm your suspicisions or tell you their side of the situation. the fact that a text message can do so much means that truthfully you don't want that person as your friend because you aren't willing to get the other side of the story because your mind is already made up. but when it comes to REAL life we all know that their are TWO sides to every story...

a little out loud thinking...

have you ever met someone new in your life and a picture flashed into your head. the kind that no matter how much you close your eyes and shake your head seems to remains. there were many years in my life that i was more numb to meeting new people or even worse getting to know new people but now that i am playing with some new ideals in my life certain things have become more clear and back again are those damn pictures. worse yet when its a feeling that you can't shake but that is a whole nother subject for a whole nother time.

when i met this man i was attracted, i admit... nothing wrong with the admission but by happenstance not something that is ever going to surpass a mild crush on a set of pretty eyes and a great smile... two of my favorite things by the way... after my first real in-person conversation with this man, the picture came up which was actually quiet scary. i mean i know people have walls nowadays, its very easy to put them up. whether from bad experiences resulting in a little (or a lot) of psychological harm... we have all come from trusty worthy babes (aka: babies) to untrusting adults. but this is the first person that i have met with such a fortress in front of him.

you can tell by his comments, the sadness and yet joking tone that combines in his words. the want for something real, the fear that it may be and the removal of himself from the situation before it can begin. oddly enough he speaks a lot about simplier times and the love that didn't last without speaking a word. its all there, the scared little boy in the man behind the beer glass, making short sentences and giving just enough truth mixed with a little more nonsense... he is the man that keeps you guessing. definately keeps you guessing.

the picture that i get when i close my eyes actually worries me greatly. an even now weeks later is still plaguing me when i close my eyes and my heart begins to worry about him. a brink wall with a couple blocks missing where either a hand and arm extends or a couple of sad eyes peer out. my heart gets heavy every time i think about it and what is worse is that i can't seem to get this guy off my mind. i mean i have worried about new friends before, had instantaneous connections with people even though i would never expect it to be.... but this is far different and it is plaguing, to a point making my stomach sick and my gutt... well my gutt is totally baffled.

but i guess it is what it is... i think i am not going to worry about this one tonight. there are others to think about, hell i have myself to think about but then the picture pops into my head and then my hand reaches for the phone and sends a text to him before i can realize what is happening. but then i guess its normal, right? it's normal to worry about those that you can't seem to get off your mind? and i am sorry but when someone says they are fine well... that THAT IS A FUCKING LIE!!! do you know what fine means? DO YOU? Fine is defined by http://www.Dictonary.com as (be warned this is long)

fine
1. of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade: fine wine.
2. choice, excellent, or admirable: a fine painting.
3. consisting of minute particles: fine sand; a fine purée.
4. very thin or slender: fine thread.
5. keen or sharp, as a tool: Is the knife fine enough to carve well?
6. delicate in texture; filmy: fine cotton fabric.
7. delicately fashioned: fine tracery.
8. highly skilled or accomplished: a fine musician.
9. trained to the maximum degree, as an athlete.
10. characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance: a fine lady.
11. polished or refined: fine manners.
12. affectedly ornate or elegant: A style so fine repels the average reader.
13. delicate or subtle: a fine distinction.
14. bright and clear: a fine day; fine skin.
15. healthy; well: In spite of his recent illness, he looks fine.
16. showy or smart; elegant in appearance: a bird of fine plumage.
17. good-looking or handsome: a fine young man.
18. (of a precious metal or its alloy) free from impurities or containing a large amount of pure metal: fine gold; Sterling silver is 92.5 percent fine.
–adverb
19. Informal . in an excellent manner; very well: He did fine on the exams. She sings fine.
20. very small: She writes so fine I can hardly read it.
21. Billiards, Pool . in such a way that the driven ball barely touches the object ball in passing.
22. Nautical . as close as possible to the wind: sailing fine.
–verb (used without object)
23. to become fine or finer, as by refining.
24. to become less, as in size or proportions; reduce; diminish (often fol. by down ): The plumpness fines down with exercise.
–verb (used with object)
25. to make fine or finer, esp. by refining or pulverizing.
26. to reduce the size or proportions of (often used with down  or away ): to fine down the heavy features; to fine away superfluous matter in a design.
27. to clarify (wines or spirits) by filtration.
–noun
28. fines,
a. Mining . crushed ore sufficiently fine to pass through a given screen. Compare short def. 29a .
b. Agriculture . the fine bits of corn kernel knocked off during handling of the grain.
—Idiom
29. cut fine, to calculate precisely, esp. without allowing for possible error or accident: To finish in ten minutes is to cut it too fine.

where the hell in any of that does that mean "i am (insert appropriate actual emotion)"... fine is like okay or worse since Aerosmith says fine is fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.... i like that definition so much more. any person ever tells you that they are fine and you leave them be you are a BAD friend.... just because they may not be willing to talk about it at the time still lends that they are not happy or good, they are fine.... BLEACK! i hear that all the time outta friends... "i'm fine" when i know for a fact that they are not... but back on my path of thought.

in person i can ask 'how are you?' and when i receive that response i cock my head to the side like a confused dog until they spill. my true friends know that i don't ask questions unless i really want to know, i ask because i worry, i ask because i care.... sometimes too much but again, another subject for another day. but still this picture plagues me, it black and weighs down my heart and i don't know what to do.

the weird thing is that i hear from this man almost every night. whether i start the conversation with a simple text that doesn't require a response or i am generally worried or all of a sudden he is checking on me. its weird, the cellular phone acting as a modern pen pal sending short 160 character texts back and forth between friends... an addiction of the modern age like starbucks or oxycontin... this silly thing that buzzs on the bar as an icon with a smiley face pops up. most time its a good text and other times the message is simple but the intention of the text is far from.

what am i to do? HELP! am i to continue to worry? tell this person that i have had this image in my head and see if i can help or ignore it and worry about me? i know that whatever i do, odd things may happen. not bad, not good... just odd. like he and i's entire relationship which ODD is a nice word to explain. the plaguing of the sad man behind the brick wall with an outstretched arm... what would you do?

mind vs. heart

that is IT! she is locked up and i am done.... all she does is whine and cry when i let her out and i am sick of hearing it... do you know what incessant crying does to someone's brain... it drives you to drastic measures and i have hit my limit. i have crusaded through the wilderness to find the one that she will accept. the one with the dark eyes no light eyes, no burly and strong or was it intelligently geeky.... wait now i'm even more confused... the hunt was great, the gathering easy but the presentation dreadful.

i gagged her so i can't hear her cries, i tied her up so no more shuffling and i locked the door stuffing towels under the door... so sick of that whiney heart wanting something that no matter where i search or who i bring her as a sacrifice to appease her, i just walk away dragging them by the hair with their big eyes looking up at me as if it's my fault that she dismissed them...

i am rational and yet she is emotional and no matter what she says to try to explain to me what she truly needs to make her happy, i bring her the willing participant who places himself at her feet asking but that she touches his cheek and she turns away pointing them and I to the door. THAT BITCH IS CRAZY! she doesn't really know what she wants, either that or she is back to watching romantic comedies, thinking there is some bit of fact in that drivel that kills my rational thoughts each and every time... what am i supposed to do to make her happy and how am i supposed to live when she is so unhappy... I GIVE UP!

~

and i sit here metaphorically gagged and bound in this little room with no windows and a locked door... what am i supposed to do? the one i first choose, tightened his laces and decided to walk in a different direction and no matter how tight i wanted to hold him back, she kept telling me to let him go. she said "if it is right he will return to me" but still his footsteps down my drive linger and are slowly filling with earth as the days add to months and soon to a year.

why can't i be content with the beautiful offerings that she brings me, each one complimentary but the feelings just aren't there... maybe the feelings are gone from everything... maybe if i decide to prick my finger nothing will come out... maybe i have been given the last opportunity at what i wanted and i choose wrong. maybe what was supposed to happen all those nights ago shouldn't have been stopped and what was left of me could have followed the others down the drain while she rose to the heavens.

i don't know what to tell her anymore, i know she worries, i know she cries hearing me in angst, in harm, thriving for touch, striving for love and wanting perfection... well not ideal godly type perfection - just he that is perfect for me. maybe i don't deserve perfection... maybe i only deserve to sit and hope that one day she will deliver my perfection to my doorstop and i will touch his face and he pulls me close to him and gives me that kiss that makes my stomach jump, my heart pump and my toes tingle... what am i supposed to do to make her happy and how am i supposed to live when she is so unhappy... I GIVE UP!

my new dating scene....

I realized that the one thing that I miss most from my relationship was having someone sleep next to me. Its weird the security that having someone next to you derive deep in your spirit and it has been a long time since I have had the constant comfort of someone lying next to me.
Lately I decided to join the dating world again, I placed an ad, I received emails and I found someone that has met my initial criteria as a “catch”. It’s a far different dating world for a woman in her 30s then when I was in my 20s. In my 20s I felt like milk that had just come from the cow’s teat. I had a long shelf life, was fresh and ready for another stage of my journey and could deal with more of a lackadaisical approach to dating. I dated older seemingly more mature men and I was proud of the catches that I found form the bay area dating pool.
Now in my 30s I feel like the discount milk, the stuff that is now 20% off because it’s going to spoil in a few days and will be dumped down the sink or forgotten about in the back of the fridge until chucks forms and the smell hits you in the face the second the refrigerator door opens. I am as close to spent milk as I can possibly be…. AND IT SUCKS.
Why is it that my ex, a man 8 years older than I starts (while we are still together) dating a woman 7 years my junior, decides to move to Vegas and keep her and discard me is living the life while my spoiled milk ass is having the hardest time trying to meet someone that I can just hang out on the couch with and sooner or later get more than a post coital hug and handshake.
I don’t think that I am aging badly; I have taken care of my face, kept it out of the sun and moisturized. I’ve been told I look young, that I’m gorgeous, down-to-earth and blah blah blah but still I have no idea what the best course of action could be. I can’t even figure out what men want these days. Is it sex? Does the girl need a shut mouth and a hot ass? Or are they really looking for more and are just as confused as I am that they keep quiet and go about their day placing ads for “casual encounters” and one night stands from women stumbling or crying as the bartender calls “last call”.
What happened in the last decade? Did dating change that much with the addition of email and cell phones? Are we all screwed to replace real people with fleshy battery operated machinery and non-committal relationships?
Talking to a girlfriend the other day, we realized that we mutually knew someone. She had contacted someone for something casual while I had wanted something heading towards long-term. Being that she and I are very different which I will not go into here, we realized a weird situation. If he really wanted what he discussed with her, would he have been lying to me and in reverse if he was being truthful with me was she going to be a passing persuasion? Which then I get confused all over again… and rightfully so.
People have a tendency to hide who they really are and I’m sorry I just put it all out there. For me there are no rules of dating, just rules of self-respect, trust and truth. I’m not going to fake what I am and I hope you don’t either but if you do the entire process is nothing but a waste of time. I HATE WASTING MY TIME… truthfully I am sure that we all hate wasting our time. It all just makes me want to scream. Fake picture, fake people…. Shit I should invent a portable lie detector to sell to those that can’t seem to seem to decipher standard communication triggers. Even better I should write a book that helps girls better interpret the “he’s just not that into you” crap.
Fuck the movie here is the short of it and the book written by a comedian (YES IT WAS)…men are simple, if you ask them what they are looking for them they will tell you and if you realize that “stiff dick has no conscience” then there is a man. A man that loves you will do anything for you and hopefully you for him but if at any time he makes standard excuses for not spending time with you and makes you feel like less of a person then you MUST run away screaming as he has moved on. And if you did the same you are not better than the guy that did it to you.
Let just call it the vicious cycle of dating… the girl falls for the 1st boy in high school, gives him her virginity and he repays her by breaking her heart. (This is more than likely the reverse) from that broken heart the girl gets upset and treats the next couple of men in her life, men that probably really want to be with her, love her and take care of her like crap… then she breaks his heart and he gets upsets and uses the next girl and the cycle continues on until no one trusts each other anymore. Women bitch about men and vice versa, and worse both of us have become discount milk.
30s the new 20 I hear, you’re only as old as you feel they say… well I say that regardless what medical science has done to make us live longer, my body is aging and the year of birth on my driver’s license hasn’t change so regardless I am the age I am and I am not getting any younger. My metabolism has changed, my menstrual cycle has shortened and I can’t eat the foods I love anymore without having to keep antacids in my medicine drawer. And the older I get the smarter I am supposed to be but really the more cynical that I have become and all I realize is that I seemed to have hit the twilight dating zone, ready for the coloring to change to black and white and some strange voice come looming out of the darkness.
Earlier this year I thought I had a good thing, but those cards were stacked against me and while I still keep in touch with him I have to pull away for my own good from that dynamite filled situation. Back to dating again I’m sitting on the boat with my fishing reel in hand, throwing back the undesirable fish and taking a closer look at the ones that seem the right size. Finding the right fish is such a hard thing and right now I have a couple that I’m taking a closer look at.
When I was in my 20s I was looking for a guy that had a decent outlook on life and a nice car, I know superficial but it worked for me and getting free goodies was always fun. Now I won’t talk a drink from someone that I’m not interested in spending more time with and I won’t give a 2nd date to someone that I don’t feel a spark with. Sparks are important but I’m debating if they are even needed anymore.
Regardless the short of the situation is that I’m confused and no matter how many friends I talk to or how many decisions I make I’m still only getting more confused not less. Am I the only one? I know that answer but I think that is the only answer that I know in regards to this new dating scene. The new dating scene… plan and simple THIS SUCKS.

The New Dance

I think I figured it out, this new dance that I am trying to dance. It’s not like the first dance that I danced, the one that I kept my eyes closed so tight and pulled him so close to me hoping that he would never push me away.

But the truth is that they all push you away, they all open their eyes and stop in the middle of the song to walk away from their dance partner. Some are kind enough to wait until the end of the song, thank their partner for the dance and gently walk off the dance floor. Others step on their partners toes, blame their partner for not knowing the steps or plain walk away in the middle of the song. Either way the partner left on the dance floor reacts in many different ways.

My last dance partner walked out in the middle of the song. Course I didn’t like the song that was playing and was having a problem dancing to it anymore but I was still determined to try to dance the entire song. That is what you do when you say “yes” to the dance; you dance until the song stops. Even if the song isn’t one you like, not every song played on any jukebox is one that you may like but you have patience that a song you like will come on soon. “Soon” you say to yourself, calming yourself down and counting to ten “soon”.

It has been now eighteen months since that dance ended and when my partner walked away from me on the dance floor. After that half dance I admit falling to the floor for some months and the music sounding like a bunch of Charlie Brown’s teachers’ voices in a debate. The muffled noises of the feet of other happy couples dancing around me while I sat on the floor sobbing, trying to catch my breath. The whole thing sucked, truthfully sucked. I knew the song was bad, the rhythm was wrong and that I wasn’t closing my eyes nearly as tight as years before, I knew but I would have thanked my partner for the dance. I would have never let their hands go and just walked away from them. Regardless you just don’t do that to a partner, you don’t.

You would think that getting back on the dance floor would be the first step but really it’s the last. The first step is standing up and being able to walk off the dance floor. This step takes a lot more time than one would think as instinct is really to drag oneself off the dance floor. Dragging does nothing but snags your clothes and hurt your hands so you really need to be able to stand up and walk off. With a walk off you keep a little bit of self dignity which is needed or you will never be able to look yourself in the eyes in a mirror. So standing and walking off the dance floor is key.

The second step is reorganizing yourself which metaphorically means a lot of time in the bathroom. My bathroom was really just one with a big mirror. A mirror that I could look in and try to see myself again, the real me not the one that I had become learning a dance I didn’t want to dance. To a point during the dance I felt like a vampire when it came to my mirror in the bathroom. I was invisible to myself and when you are invisible to yourself how can you look yourself in the eyes. When you look in the mirror you have to know that you look good, psych yourself up, tell yourself all the things you need to hear to be able to fix your face, adjust your clothes and walk out of the bathroom. I think personally this stage is the most personal, the longest and the one most needed. If you can’t look yourself in the mirror, you aren’t happy with who you are.

Third step is walking out the door, as most ‘ladies’ room have couches and nice décor, it can feel like home. But it is not home and while it may feel comfortable the last thing you want to do is consider your bathroom your new home. So opening the door, and getting the hell out of there is a step.

Now you have to make your way back to the dance floor, also known as step four. Step four is different for all; some of us hold walls up, some take a seat at the bar and allow for a little liquid courage and some find a comfortable chair and try to get their moves back in some type of order. Regardless the place you set yourself on the dance floor, the point is that you are there and ready to find a worthy dance partner.

Just like any dance you have all type asks you to dance. You chit chat for a bit, decide whether or not to hit the dance floor and actually dance or say ‘thanks’ for the punch and resume your position. Sometimes you dance one song, sometimes you don’t. It’s all up to you, the song playing and the potential partner extending their hand to you.

I think I met mine, I think… In a weird turn of events I have met someone that I wrote about. Yes while I was sitting, I was doodling my wants for a dance partner from the guys that came by to chit chat. Each one a potential dance partner, but somehow it didn’t work out the way I wanted. Maybe it was me, maybe it was them but regardless not of them men that I wanted to dance with. My napkin was filled with little wants, little hopes and little dreams for a future dance partner and with each potential partner that was a ‘not’ a little more doodling got added to my napkin.

My new potential dance partner is someone that I really want to pull close, follow his lead and close my eyes tight, but I am scared. The last time I wasn’t scared to get on the dance floor, if anything I was optimistic of how many dances were to come and how I would get better and better dancing with him. This time the dance floor scares me so much. Instead of walking on the dance floor hand in hand and placing my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes and letting him lead me across the dance floor…. Instead I walk hand in hand with him and keep my hand on his shoulder, his eyes in my glaze and occasionally look at the floor to make sure that the steps are correct.

It’s not that first dance but it will never be that first dance again because of what the last partner did and I hate that. It was my last partner that ruined me for my next and while you should never compare one partner to the next, it is understandable that we all do. We ALL do. Depending on how we got hurt, or how we hurt, we compare. To quote a friend “we compare or else how do we know when we have better”. This statement I totally understand being an optimist and praying that the ‘best is yet to come’ which only keeps me from crying myself to sleep on some nights…..some nights. But the realist in me has met many more horrible people than I have good, even been on the horrible end myself, I said I was a realist, not a liar!

This guy is different; we seem so alike even in the ‘scared’ department. We have both been hurt and while mine was a long-term heartbreak – his was more a couple of heartbreakers. Either way our first dance is with hands on shoulders and waists, looking into each other’s eyes. Trying to figure out the next move or if we are still scared and want to run off the dance floor. The problem is that I can’t hear the music with him, the music is so quiet that I hear more of my heartbeat and his breathing during our dance. Our pulses are quick and our smiles are bright and we can’t take our eyes off of each other, which I don’t think either of us can figure out. We watch each other, both being kind, both being graceful, both not wanting to leave the dance floor but weary of the slow dance with the heads on shoulders and the eyes closed.

Right now I am okay dancing with him, letting him feel my hands on his shoulders and retaining his gaze. Smiling at him and watching his smile match his eyes back at me. Knowing certain things about him I have never felt more safe, more cared about and more respected but on the other end I worry about leaving the dance floor. I don’t want to leave the dance floor; I want to pull him close, put my head on his shoulder and whisper dreams of the next dance in his ear without him losing his steps and stepping on my toes or dropping my hands and walking away.

I guess since this dance isn’t as idealistic as the first dance I am allowed to be scared, I am allowed to feel a bit of anxiety as each dance slows to the end, but then so can he. At least I have a partner that wants to dance, at least I have a partner that understands my anxiety and at least I am back on the dance floor. Now to get to the point of closing my eyes tight, wrapping my arms around his neck and placing my head on his shoulder. I think we can get there, I hope we can get there and I want to get there but for now this dance is nice, better than my first dance ever could have been and the blue eyes that I gaze into are my safety. The light I see in those eyes gives me hope, allows me to trust and makes me feel cared for more than I have in a very, very long time….. and so we dance. The next song will come and together we will talk it through whether we decide to dance or we decide to leave the floor, my only hope is that we do it together…

Certain realizations coming to light

Here I am, laying on the couch alone, watching a movie that I haven’t seen in years. A movie, that really makes no difference the title or the actors but the scene, that caused me to blubber more than I have in a long, long time. The movie has a scene where the husband is in a coma from a stroke and his wife is sitting and touching his hand. She grabs his hand and places it to her face in a familiar touch that shows her love from him. Even though she moves his hand and smiles because it is possibly the last time.

Recently I realized that I was coming to the end of something. The end of something, that took not a year of my life but ten years of my life. I am now 33 years old and I gave up a decade to someone and walked out of it worse for wear and to a point more broken than I was at 19. At 19 I had someone lie to me and cause my body and mental health serious harm. A person that I totally blocked out what he looked like, what he smelled like and even him name. To a point I don’t remember much about my 19 year old accident but my 24 years old mistake, I will never forget this man.

I realize that he has made me worse for wear because I don’t trust. I mean I trust a bit, I trust that someone isn’t gonna lie to me, but apparently if I answered that way on a personality test that would make me gullible. Well, tell me something that I don’t know. People have always known I was gullible, fuck it, I don’t really care. To a point fool me once, etc., etc., etc… blah blah de blah blah!! I can’t change that, I trust what people say. If I didn’t the negativity would take over my mind and make me like my mother. And while I love my mother I don’t wanna be like her. Queen of the Negative but then when you are the only Sagittarius (Dreamer/Optimist) in the family encompassed by Virgos, Scorpios and Capricorns, well you’re fucked, FUCKED I tell you!

But I try to keep my head up, I always have. My family is my family but my friends are worth more to me, especially my brother. Never knew that I would have someone that I connected with so well. And this isn’t a connection that is bombarded by any of that silly LOVE stuff. That silly LOVE stuff confuses more than anything but regardless is the topic that I will get back to in this blog after I finish this tangent. My brother has no blood connection to me, but the mental connection that we have is freaky. We think alike, we calm each other down, we are each other’s cheerleader when we need and more often than not each other’s shrink. Regardless I will be holding this man’s hand when we are in our last breathes because as his children have adopted me, I consider him blood.

My brother is the reason that my dumb ass is still alive. You may laugh and chuckle but truthfully with the SHIT that I dealt with last year and the year before, I am really surprised that I am here. When I was feeling as down in the dirt as I was there was two people that picked me back up. My brother was physically there, taking me out, inviting me along and making me laugh so hard that my sides hurt for days. I couldn’t thank him enough and will be there for him for the rest of our lives. The other was a sister that I still haven’t met, a woman of great strength and unsurpassed wisdom, an old soul. I miss her and really should give her a call soon for I have slacked on my friend duties with her.

Now back to the main reason for this blog. I sit watching this scene, the last in the movie. Explaining the great love between the man and this woman that he has loved since the moment that he saw her and I began to think. Is love at first site still possible at my age? Not that I am in old age, but I am not young either. My ideals have grown and matured in some ways but have been dwarfed in others. Love is a very foreign thing to me. It has been a while since I asked someone to spend the night and see me in all my *cough cough* natural beauty in the morning. It has been longer since I actually cared to do things for someone that weren’t in a bit selfishly motivated. But truthfully I am just absolutely completely scared of the whole thing.

Not that I need to describe love as anything fanciful. I mean it was so much more that when I was young, ideal to a point. But now with the things I have learned and the things that have learned me, love is well….. I don’t know how to describe it. To a point love is like money, when you have it you don’t fully appreciate it – thinking that it will always be there and when you don’t have it - it’s all you think about. Like a lot of other things I am playing on the love teeter-totter. When I decide to go up and perhaps try to think about a person or a relationship or a maybe situation and then its comes back down and I shake my head at the whole stupid silly fanciful goofy funny LOVE thing.

The teeter-totter sucks! Plain and simple, I don’t like playing the game with others let alone with myself. My mind is in a contact ebb and flow with the funny LOVE stuff. I keep asking questions of myself: Am I ready? Has it been long enough? Will I find another like the last? What do I want from a relationship? When is the right timeline? Is there a timeline? What are the rules? Are there rules? Isn’t it better to be myself or am I supposed to follow the rules? And those are just a few of the questions I am asking myself, worse so are the ones that I think about when I actually am getting to know someone….

When you can’t figure yourself out and then you try to get to know someone else the questions get worse, so so much worse. I don’t even want to go through them but the basics are how one shows themselves off. We all try to portray ourselves in the best light. We tell people what we feel comfortable with. I am not yet divorced, technically haven’t even filed but I am close. Stupid state and county guidelines are the only thing holding me back right now. I explain who I am as who I want to be… height, hair color, eye color, style, likes and dislikes, body shape etc, etc, etc.

You get from the other person what they want to tell you. The problem is when the story doesn’t match up or worse when you see the whole thing like a murder mystery. I think personally it is my conspiracy driven over thinking mind. But then I was lied to for the past decade by more people than I can count on my fingers and my toes. Yup, definitely sucks to be me, but truthfully I am getting over it. Gotta just count your blessings that you have what’s left of your mind and can recoup to a mild version of your former self. Hopefully a better version from the worse version that I was but it’s all a process of time and re-evaluation.

And in the re-evaluation process I realize that I really want someone to protect and be protected by, I want that partner, the one that we can make special little gestures to that only you and he know. The one that comes up behind you and before they touch you, you know its them because of their smell, step and sense. I think I may have found one, but more scared than not I tread lightly. I slowly try to interrupt the signs that he gives me and that I give him but the connection is undeniable.

I admit that I look at each situation with a much more defining eye than when I was younger. When I was younger most of us had little baggage, enough to carry on the plane of love; simple, small and very well organized. Nowadays a decade or so later, we can barely carry our baggage with a car let alone a truck. We size people up and figure out if what they are showing is what we like or not, what we can deal with or not and what we can see in our lives for the short, medium and possibly long haul. Each one of us has certain attractions, certain requirements, certain wants and needs, and certain “hell no” circumstances. We have no time to smell the roses let alone truly get to know someone. We do everything online so much so that if it takes more than a second to load a page we are bitching at our keyboards and computer screens.

Life has become so fast paced that we even meet people online. We can have whole conversations with someone in another country and never meet them but we can’t venture out our front doors to meet someone that we wanna have an actual relationship. I know why I do it, online I have control, mild but still control. I found the newest one online or technically he found me. My worry is his own heart, his own mind and his own readiness. After one year of reconfiguring myself after my break-up with my husband and kicking his dumb ass out of my heart let alone my house. I know that will all of the experiences that I went through last year that I ready to actually focus on finding that one, being ready for that one, or as ready as I can be now. I am ready, the question is “is he”?