why is it when someone is nice that we forget the mean horrible things that they have done to us and only think of the happy moments when those were so few and far between. is the comfort really worth all the hurt, pain and suffering in the long run ...or is it just that it is what we are used to and the other path is too dark to see?
that is the question that is perplexing me today and only because of the last 24 hours. My ex was here for the last 24 hours being overly sweet, being overly nice and in my current state making me think about the "us" that used to be. i met my ex in nov 2000 and we pretty much were attached at the hip since that point... well that was until last october when i found out that he had fallen for our roommate and had been in a relationship with her while i was living and working in LA to pay for the house that we bought. i committed to this man in every wifely aspect plus some that the good book doesn't talk about and at ever turn was treated like a child and a slave. the problem is that i know what to expect and today the devil was tempting me because he kept saying "youre lonely, he is still yours, just tell him and everything can be as it was".
well the devil is just that and the relationship was hell but when it came down to it, it isnt the man that i miss but the marriage, its the commitment to someone. having someone to hug and kiss and talk about your day, someone to cuddle up on the couch who looks at you with love in their eyes and cuddles up to you in bed each night. that is what i miss and worse i feel old.
i feel old because i feel like i spent the best years of my life with this ASS of a man and now I am not worth anything to anyone. feeling worthless is just as bad as feeling broken. and worse today is an empty house day, i do well for an hour or so but then the calamity that was just this morning with the roommates, the ex, the roommates kids and the mild drama and worse low end feeling.
its is my opinion that we all have five levels and in any case when more than one is out of whack then you feel some what outta whack. the five levels are family, friends, love, job and self. each can come into or out of the other, but in the long run you can put each problem into one category or the other. normally the only two that are okay at any given point are your friends and family. job, love and self can be in and out.
with me right now all three of those categories feel completely broken. my marriage is broken, there is no fixing it and as with any good person I blame myself when I did nothing wrong, I realize that, the decision to break the rules and lie to me was his own but why do i still feel like that is all i deserve? I dont deserve any better than an adulterous lying asshole. and worse it has broken my trust with all men, they all will be like him, they all will lie and hurt me and so i feel better alone, but then lonely, its a fucked up situation to say the least. because my love is out of whack, i feel my self is out of whack too. i am a very sweet, loving and caring person - only wanting any person in my life to be happy, have all that they want and all that they deserve. I have good karma and a guardian angel that has been watching over me for 12 years come tomorrow.
maybe that is the problem, tomorrow my dad, my parent will have been gone for 12 years. I light a candle each year on that day, his birthday and father's day. I still cry on his birthday and still cant look through father's day cards because i end up a huddle crying mess on the card aisle at target. my ex was good enough to look out for me on these days, he would make sure that i had something to do, something to get my mind off of the sadness and the loss and the memories. You think you get over losing someone but you never really do, especially when they were close to you. i regret certain things with my father but in the end we were reconnecting, we were becoming friends and then when i was 20 he was taken. my mother and i never had the relationship that my dad and i had. my mother never bonded with me the way a girl and her mother should and its sad beyond belief.
i just feel at this point at 32, almost 33, i have no time. no time to find someone that will love me and wants a family and wants to put it on a fast track. I feel like as a woman, I have to pick a very good man to have children with because if we do and he leaves, they will look at me to be strong. I have a very good friend and we have talked about how his son just wants to get him and his ex back together. The poor child cries for the want of a family and unfortunately there is nothing that can be done. She has made up her mind and for whatever reason the man and her son a a family are not important. But to tell this all to any guy on the first date screams "PSYCHO" but then when, being the picky type there normally isnt a second date.
so why? why do i feel what i do? what is the next step? should i give up and move forward with me, try a segregate and a frozen pop or is there someone out there for me? I have a business and a plan, I have a strategy to get the job back in order, do better on myself but then there are so many whys and I feel stuck in cement or worse tar, sinking yet still breathing, knowing that the end is near but not certain, I could be given a branch and pulled out but as the tar gets closer to my neck i just keep asking myself why?
