so i have a friend that went through a divorce and gave me some great advice to help me with my future one. i post it here so that you two may read and use her wisdom, thank you d. she asked to remain annon.....
"Honestly, the single best thing I did was go into therapy. My reasons for getting married, who I chose, the tone and character of my marriage and divorce were completely braided into some serious family issues that I was only dimly (and I stress dimly) aware of. I really don't think I could have untangled the whole mess without professional help. For me, it would have been far to complicated and scary to do it by myself. My therapist also helped me maintain a sense of humor, and that was invaluable. So I would say - if anything, do this if you can at all afford it, even if you think you can't, try. I think you'll find a pretty wide range of fees out there and hopefully someone you can afford.
I found that I had to sometimes avoid certain people who I felt were pressuring me to get over it, move on, put it behind me - whatever. Grief takes its own time to work through and there's not much point in hurrying it along. Often-times I found that this pressure to move on was simply someone else's discomfort with feeling like they didn't know how to help, of having a problem they couldn't solve. They meant well, but it didn't always help. Besides, not trying to rush the whole process really helped that whole business of sorting through my life pretty thoroughly and my relationships since then have been a lot healthier for it.
What else...oh yes, I slept - a ton, 12 hours, 14 hours a day and I didn't give a shit. And I ate well. Divorce is a trauma and psychological trauma is very much like physical trauma - it requires a lot of rest and good nutrition to heal. Sounds cheesy, I know, some people don't need it, but I did.
I had to accept the fact that I was going to be crazy for awhile. My day to day ability to function normally was wildly inconsistent and that too is quite normal. Some days I was great, and some days I would look at my shoes and not really understand how they worked. Some days I was certain the worst was over, and other days I felt like I had discovered a whole new continent of awfulness. I had no clue at all who I was (file under "therapy") and felt foreign even to myself. I guess my point is this, try to be as accepting of and gentle with whatever you're going through at any given moment, odds its quite normal.
Looking back I also remember that I drank too much - or at least way more than I would feel comfortable with today. I'm extremely lucky that it didn't turn into full blown alcoholism, but still, even now I keep a very close eye on how much I drink. I was viciously angry at my family for a good while and I'm not too proud about how I treated them. I'm also certain that I was quite the nut-job with my ex, not too proud of that either, but that too happens. Everyone does something (or lots of somethings) that makes them cringe later, the more I can laugh at myself, the less I cringe - for the most part anyway.
I do hope there is something in this that is of help to you. Be kind to yourself and know that it will get better."
she added this in a second email and so i ad it at the end because i didn't want to break her stride from the above. i preface this by agreeing on the friends part, and plan to start a support group once my LA move is complete. anyone who wants to join should shoot me an email through this.....
"Also, slip this in if/where you feel like it fits. I should mention pleasure (so important! how could I leave it out!). Just experience it. I do not mean of the Vicodin with your Bordeaux variety. Find things, lots of thing, that bring you pleasure and do them. Big things, small thing. Make a list if you have to. It's easy to get acclimated to feeling wretched all the time, you have to remind yourself that you have an enormous capacity to feel good."
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
sometimes it is best to leave it in the past
so as i sit here with my legs crossed and my little girl cat purring in my lap, i think.... i think about the bravery that it took to do what i did and the outcome that wasn't what i had hoped... nope sorry to tell you all, it wasn't what i had hoped. he was totally different, his voice and his eyes were the same but his attitude and his appearance were different. i look for the person on the inside, not the outside but when the inside person is scared or seems to be playing a game, which they actually admit to playing and not ready for me then the person on the outside comes into consideration. it was a dream, a pipe dream at best and it was nice to see him. the school girl crush is over and i am back in the real world, we will be friends and we will see but i am no longer going to put so much stock in the crush from thirteen years ago.
so i have talked about people changing, but what is worse than people changing is people faking. faking is worse. when you talk to someone that you haven't in awhile and they say things about what they want and what is going on and you put yourself out there and then they hide. they hide behind texts and cryptic phone conversations.
they say they look the same... well i know i look the same, far be it that i got away from my anorexic self that i was in high school. i was one hundred and twenty-eight pounds and a size eight... that body was not the product of exercise or health, it was just a skinny little high school girl that feed herself on grape crush and doritos. that looked at fashion magazines wishing for more money and a smaller ass. i was the perfect 36-24-36 and had the girl next door brown eyes and brown hair combo. it seemed to work. i had boyfriends, i have loves and i had betrayal like anyone else.
i know that i am not the same, i have gained weight... i got up to one hundred and fifty-four and a size ten when richard and i got together and his negativity and hurtful tongue over the years made the extra fifty pounds that i gained seem just. yes ladies and gentleman, i, at one point was over two hundred pounds and thank goodness that there wasn't a full length mirror anywhere around so that I could think i was thin, but have a body that i was no longer proud of, and was no longer, in my eyes sexy.
i am proud to say that by changing my diet and only having to cook for one, as i was the commuter single surviving the week in LA, i happily and healthily lost twenty-five pounds. i went for walks in the evening and ate no more than i was hungry for. twenty five pounds is a lot, normally a small child, and i am proud to saw that the weight was just weight, i was healthy per my doctor, just overweight.
when all the drama happened in late october, i unheatlily lost another ten pounds and that was because of not eating and crying and not sleeping for about the span of two weeks will do that to you. it was every night that i would feed myself the sleeping pills to get my brain to stop thinking and give me at least five hours of sleep. when you aren't eating and aren't sleeping you lose weight, not a diet that i would advise to anyone, but here we are at thirty-five pounds of weight loss for 2008.
what i have realized is that regardless of what a person weighs it is not the outside, it is the inside. the person inside will change depending on the extrenal circumstamces. my job was a mental one, i would be exhausted at night when i came home and if it was just me, it was easier to pick up fast food then go home and make myself something to eat. comfort food called to me, all the time. when i was exhausted i wanted to sleep, i wanted to not have to clean the house or cook dinner.
the comments that would come out of the man that i loved stung more than he ever realized. 'wheres my dinner bitch?' - well lets see, who worked all day and who didnt but still i would get up, exhausted and make dinner while he did whatever he wanted to do. 'i didn't marry a fat chick' as i made something that he would eat, talk about a child's appetite with no liking certain things and not wanting to have anything that he had eaten in the last three days. drama drama drama. i now leave this in the past... i leave the anger and the hurt of allowing myself to be treated like this in the past... the horrible thing is that when i would talk to him about any of this, he would say he was kidding.
word to the wise, if you don't mean it - DONT SAY IT. words fucking hurt and will leave deeper bruises and scars than any actual bruise. this is not condoning any type of abuse, physical or verbal but i think i personally would definately take one over the other.
people always seem to laugh at me when it comes to my words. i am sorry, if someone asks how i am doing, i am going to tell them. if my day is shitty, then i will tell you it was shitty. the grocery store clerks just love me. when i ask how someone is, it is because i want to know. in my opinion, everyone deserves to smile. everyone deserves the best that life has to offer. don't get me wrong, it isn't going to fall in your lap, but know that i think you all deserve the best. you all deserve to be happy and healthy. we all deserve to get love if we want love.
i walk around smiling at people, this is not flirting, just smiling. just being happy. karma and all, i feel that a smile will make someone smile back and then perhaps give them just enough ammunition to do something good and perhaps 'pay it forward'. smiles and laughter are free. the best type of free and it takes less muscles to smile than to frown. simple things like helping someone find something in the grocery store. reminding someone that they forgot to close thier gas cap, allowing someone in front of you on the freeway.
kindness is three fold people, remember that the next time you flip someone off on the freeway. it is easier to smile and wave than flip and normally you are the asshole in the situation anyways. smiling nowadays seems to make people wonder. it is not our generations adage to smile and say hello, it was our parents. well i am making it mine, i am smiling. you want one just know that each and everyone is for you when you need it. if you need more than i am all about hugs. great big bear hugs that hurt and that each of us secretly love. all of my friends will always get these, a smile when i see them followed by a big bear hug, i even hug people that i barely know. smiles and hugs all around, that is the new philosophy of getting yourself to a happy place and everyone deserves a happy place. where is yours? can't find it, come share mine.
i love you all and am here for you if you need me. :)
so i have talked about people changing, but what is worse than people changing is people faking. faking is worse. when you talk to someone that you haven't in awhile and they say things about what they want and what is going on and you put yourself out there and then they hide. they hide behind texts and cryptic phone conversations.
they say they look the same... well i know i look the same, far be it that i got away from my anorexic self that i was in high school. i was one hundred and twenty-eight pounds and a size eight... that body was not the product of exercise or health, it was just a skinny little high school girl that feed herself on grape crush and doritos. that looked at fashion magazines wishing for more money and a smaller ass. i was the perfect 36-24-36 and had the girl next door brown eyes and brown hair combo. it seemed to work. i had boyfriends, i have loves and i had betrayal like anyone else.
i know that i am not the same, i have gained weight... i got up to one hundred and fifty-four and a size ten when richard and i got together and his negativity and hurtful tongue over the years made the extra fifty pounds that i gained seem just. yes ladies and gentleman, i, at one point was over two hundred pounds and thank goodness that there wasn't a full length mirror anywhere around so that I could think i was thin, but have a body that i was no longer proud of, and was no longer, in my eyes sexy.
i am proud to say that by changing my diet and only having to cook for one, as i was the commuter single surviving the week in LA, i happily and healthily lost twenty-five pounds. i went for walks in the evening and ate no more than i was hungry for. twenty five pounds is a lot, normally a small child, and i am proud to saw that the weight was just weight, i was healthy per my doctor, just overweight.
when all the drama happened in late october, i unheatlily lost another ten pounds and that was because of not eating and crying and not sleeping for about the span of two weeks will do that to you. it was every night that i would feed myself the sleeping pills to get my brain to stop thinking and give me at least five hours of sleep. when you aren't eating and aren't sleeping you lose weight, not a diet that i would advise to anyone, but here we are at thirty-five pounds of weight loss for 2008.
what i have realized is that regardless of what a person weighs it is not the outside, it is the inside. the person inside will change depending on the extrenal circumstamces. my job was a mental one, i would be exhausted at night when i came home and if it was just me, it was easier to pick up fast food then go home and make myself something to eat. comfort food called to me, all the time. when i was exhausted i wanted to sleep, i wanted to not have to clean the house or cook dinner.
the comments that would come out of the man that i loved stung more than he ever realized. 'wheres my dinner bitch?' - well lets see, who worked all day and who didnt but still i would get up, exhausted and make dinner while he did whatever he wanted to do. 'i didn't marry a fat chick' as i made something that he would eat, talk about a child's appetite with no liking certain things and not wanting to have anything that he had eaten in the last three days. drama drama drama. i now leave this in the past... i leave the anger and the hurt of allowing myself to be treated like this in the past... the horrible thing is that when i would talk to him about any of this, he would say he was kidding.
word to the wise, if you don't mean it - DONT SAY IT. words fucking hurt and will leave deeper bruises and scars than any actual bruise. this is not condoning any type of abuse, physical or verbal but i think i personally would definately take one over the other.
people always seem to laugh at me when it comes to my words. i am sorry, if someone asks how i am doing, i am going to tell them. if my day is shitty, then i will tell you it was shitty. the grocery store clerks just love me. when i ask how someone is, it is because i want to know. in my opinion, everyone deserves to smile. everyone deserves the best that life has to offer. don't get me wrong, it isn't going to fall in your lap, but know that i think you all deserve the best. you all deserve to be happy and healthy. we all deserve to get love if we want love.
i walk around smiling at people, this is not flirting, just smiling. just being happy. karma and all, i feel that a smile will make someone smile back and then perhaps give them just enough ammunition to do something good and perhaps 'pay it forward'. smiles and laughter are free. the best type of free and it takes less muscles to smile than to frown. simple things like helping someone find something in the grocery store. reminding someone that they forgot to close thier gas cap, allowing someone in front of you on the freeway.
kindness is three fold people, remember that the next time you flip someone off on the freeway. it is easier to smile and wave than flip and normally you are the asshole in the situation anyways. smiling nowadays seems to make people wonder. it is not our generations adage to smile and say hello, it was our parents. well i am making it mine, i am smiling. you want one just know that each and everyone is for you when you need it. if you need more than i am all about hugs. great big bear hugs that hurt and that each of us secretly love. all of my friends will always get these, a smile when i see them followed by a big bear hug, i even hug people that i barely know. smiles and hugs all around, that is the new philosophy of getting yourself to a happy place and everyone deserves a happy place. where is yours? can't find it, come share mine.
i love you all and am here for you if you need me. :)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
i am not mad anymore
it is a rather odd feeling when you explain your current situation to a old/new friend and realize that you have no anger towards the situation anymore. everyone that is my friend knows what is going on in my life right now. it sucks, there is no other way to define it. but what i have realized that defining it - does not allow it to define me.
i have been looking for work, reading a daily journal of simple abundance and reorganizing myself. i have added facebook to my daily grind to find old friends and in hearing from people that actually at one time liked me.... well i have allowed myself to turn a corner. and boy what a large corner it was.
at the end of last year i was hard pressed to want to continue another day. i did, i thought about it. the only thing that stopped me was the letter(s) than i had to write to my family and loved ones explaining why i did it. when you try to write that letter(s), you come to a very dark place in your heart and in your head. what i realized was that i was beating myself up so hard because i thought i was the one that made the situation happen.
what i realized today and actually said, out loud and to another living breathing human being, was this...'if a cigarette smoker blames the machine for selling the smoker the cigarettes that they happily pulled from the container, stuck in their happy faced and smoked, was it the machines fault?' (you are welcome to replace the machine with a convenience store clerk, it makes no matter in this metaphor, my metaphor....)
but what i have realized is that it isn't my fault. my brother was a huge inspiration with his words of wisdom which amplified this so well.... and i appreciate... but you need to understand that until i could say it and believe it, truly believe it, i wasn't going to let it sink in and move forward with it. it isn't my fault... IT ISN'T MY FAULT.
we have those people in our lives... we all do... the ones that say that we are the ones to fault all of their unwished dreams, all of their unaccomplished goals and all of their unfulfilled needs. and when it comes down to it, we are the only ones that are responsible for ourselves...
we are not the ones that are holding them back, we are allowing them to hold us back. we constantly worry about what they need, what they want and we put ourselves on a back burner. now certain times they will come to our aid, do something for us, but if you re-evaulate the true situation, taking yourself out of the middle, truly taking yourself out of the middle, you will see. and what you will see will upset you, deflate you, break you up, make you cry, make you scream and basically kill your spirit.
these people are takers and they will take and take and take until we have nothing left to give. and once we reach that point where we want to do something for ourselves, they will make us feel bad. they will make us feel bad because we are givers.
givers will give and give and give to try to make everyone in our life happy. to make everyone smile the smile that we feel everyone should wear everyday. some of us are naturally givers... we are the mothers, the caretakers, the lovers and the best friends. we will be there for you no matter what time of day and no matter the weather situation. think just like the post office... come rain, nor sleet nor snow, we will be there for those we care about.
givers deserve other givers in our life and unfortunately we tend to bring takers into our lives because at first these people are grateful. they tell us the things that they know we want to hear and they tell us the things that will keep us interested... but in the long run they are bad for us... for our souls and for our goals. our dreams and wants are secondary.... we are secondary.
well no longer will i be secondary. no longer will i allow someone to tell me that what i want doesn't matter and what i need is secondary. i will live for me, i will better my situation for me and i will find someone that understands goal and dreams and actual accomplishment of these ideals. i may want the stars, but i will sit on the roof and jump for them all day and night long. i will figure out new legs to jump higher and faster. i will do it.... i can do it... i deserve it.
what all of this ranking and raving comes down to is take a look at your life. at the people that are in your life. are they helpers or hinderers.... keep the helpers - lose the hinderers. praise the givers and leave the takers. have people that clap and stand behind you when you need their strength, not those that walk over the top of you to get what they want from things and people and other relationships.
do better, be better.... you all are. if you realize you are a hinderer you can change, it takes heart. the same with if you are a taker. you can change, don't be stuck in the old rut. be brave, be spontaneous, be responsible and be yourself.
i am not mad anymore. my path has been cleaned and i need to move forward with my dreams, move forward with my wants. i need to stop, take a moment and clean up the mess beside me so that my new shoes don't track any of it foward into my new path, my newly lite path and i need to walk again. not crawl, not stumble, not stammer - which may again happen, but this time i will know what i need to do to fix it. i will know what i need to do to move forward. i will know where to clean off my shoes. i am not mad anymore. i am not mad anymore. I AM NOT MAD ANYMORE. =)
i am happy to know and i will walk again forward to the light of my new fate, my new destiny and my new self.
i have been looking for work, reading a daily journal of simple abundance and reorganizing myself. i have added facebook to my daily grind to find old friends and in hearing from people that actually at one time liked me.... well i have allowed myself to turn a corner. and boy what a large corner it was.
at the end of last year i was hard pressed to want to continue another day. i did, i thought about it. the only thing that stopped me was the letter(s) than i had to write to my family and loved ones explaining why i did it. when you try to write that letter(s), you come to a very dark place in your heart and in your head. what i realized was that i was beating myself up so hard because i thought i was the one that made the situation happen.
what i realized today and actually said, out loud and to another living breathing human being, was this...'if a cigarette smoker blames the machine for selling the smoker the cigarettes that they happily pulled from the container, stuck in their happy faced and smoked, was it the machines fault?' (you are welcome to replace the machine with a convenience store clerk, it makes no matter in this metaphor, my metaphor....)
but what i have realized is that it isn't my fault. my brother was a huge inspiration with his words of wisdom which amplified this so well.... and i appreciate... but you need to understand that until i could say it and believe it, truly believe it, i wasn't going to let it sink in and move forward with it. it isn't my fault... IT ISN'T MY FAULT.
we have those people in our lives... we all do... the ones that say that we are the ones to fault all of their unwished dreams, all of their unaccomplished goals and all of their unfulfilled needs. and when it comes down to it, we are the only ones that are responsible for ourselves...
we are not the ones that are holding them back, we are allowing them to hold us back. we constantly worry about what they need, what they want and we put ourselves on a back burner. now certain times they will come to our aid, do something for us, but if you re-evaulate the true situation, taking yourself out of the middle, truly taking yourself out of the middle, you will see. and what you will see will upset you, deflate you, break you up, make you cry, make you scream and basically kill your spirit.
these people are takers and they will take and take and take until we have nothing left to give. and once we reach that point where we want to do something for ourselves, they will make us feel bad. they will make us feel bad because we are givers.
givers will give and give and give to try to make everyone in our life happy. to make everyone smile the smile that we feel everyone should wear everyday. some of us are naturally givers... we are the mothers, the caretakers, the lovers and the best friends. we will be there for you no matter what time of day and no matter the weather situation. think just like the post office... come rain, nor sleet nor snow, we will be there for those we care about.
givers deserve other givers in our life and unfortunately we tend to bring takers into our lives because at first these people are grateful. they tell us the things that they know we want to hear and they tell us the things that will keep us interested... but in the long run they are bad for us... for our souls and for our goals. our dreams and wants are secondary.... we are secondary.
well no longer will i be secondary. no longer will i allow someone to tell me that what i want doesn't matter and what i need is secondary. i will live for me, i will better my situation for me and i will find someone that understands goal and dreams and actual accomplishment of these ideals. i may want the stars, but i will sit on the roof and jump for them all day and night long. i will figure out new legs to jump higher and faster. i will do it.... i can do it... i deserve it.
what all of this ranking and raving comes down to is take a look at your life. at the people that are in your life. are they helpers or hinderers.... keep the helpers - lose the hinderers. praise the givers and leave the takers. have people that clap and stand behind you when you need their strength, not those that walk over the top of you to get what they want from things and people and other relationships.
do better, be better.... you all are. if you realize you are a hinderer you can change, it takes heart. the same with if you are a taker. you can change, don't be stuck in the old rut. be brave, be spontaneous, be responsible and be yourself.
i am not mad anymore. my path has been cleaned and i need to move forward with my dreams, move forward with my wants. i need to stop, take a moment and clean up the mess beside me so that my new shoes don't track any of it foward into my new path, my newly lite path and i need to walk again. not crawl, not stumble, not stammer - which may again happen, but this time i will know what i need to do to fix it. i will know what i need to do to move forward. i will know where to clean off my shoes. i am not mad anymore. i am not mad anymore. I AM NOT MAD ANYMORE. =)
i am happy to know and i will walk again forward to the light of my new fate, my new destiny and my new self.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
thinking about making an old love a new love
so i did it, i made first contact and now i will wait the hours or days until the information is relayed to him directly. what will he think... stalker, friend, missed her too, who the hell is she, can't remember, don't want to remember, maybe i will give her a call...
waiting sucks... he kind of was the one that got away. he is the one that got away. remember about seeing the light through the trees. i hated fresno so much that the second i got an opportunity to get away i did. i took a job in san francisco with my uncle and never looked back. one day i was there and the next day i was gone. to this day i don't know if i remember telling him... i owe him an apology. it shouldn't matter how long ago it was, i owe him that. he was such a good person with a big heart. he was so much more that i deserved at the time. i wasn't ready for what he could give without even thinking about how much he was giving.
over the years, i have thought about him. sometimes he would pop into my dreams, sometimes into my thoughts and sometimes into my day dreams. regardless of where i was or what i thought, he was there. i couldn't escape him. over the years we have kept mutual friends but still no way to get a hold of him directly. i always knew that he was okay and that he was doing well and that he was happy.
i always asked and when someone would say 'i will tell him you said hello', i would just say no no no. don't need to bother him with my hellos, he doesn't even remember me. i never heard from him and that was my sign that he didn't want to know where i was either, right....
the optimist in me says that you always remember the people that you spend a little time with and that you continue to care for. the philosophizer in me says that there is a time and a place for everything. third times the charm, right?
the first time we met was at a football game - the battle of barstow. a friend had a super crush on him and he was a football player for the other team. i still remember the moment, we were in the middle of the field. his team had just creamed our again, another battle won by hoover and lost by bullard. it didn't matter much since our team blew. i did offensive stats for them and they still blew. not like my writing downs plays made them any better or any worse, but i dygress. i still remember amber's body language - flirty and seductive as a 16 year old could be. i just looked him straight in his beautiful blue eyes, stuck out my hand and said hi. i was dating at the time, jack.. oh, jack, but again i dygress. we stood there for a moment, me looking all over the fireld for friends that i knew, amber bludgening him with her charm. then goodbyes and we were off, over the railing and back to the truck. i remember looking over my shoulder at him smiling and i smiled back, a quick wave and then gone.
i would say almost a year later, he was working with my best friend. they worked at a random fast food place outside of her high school, their high school techinically. she was now a senior, so was i and he had graduated if i have my timeline correct. they were bored, i think, looking at each others pictures in wallets, i think. not my story so just a little fuzzy. when she showed him my picture, he said he remembered me and that he wanted my number, again i think. she will have to remind me of the story, but once i was involved it was because of an answering machine message. she called and it was like she had the best news in the world.
'do you remember so and so, well he wants your number, can i give it to him.' him, him who. then i remembered, the boy on the field with the blue eyes. why would he want my number? it was such a random meeting, wasn't it. it had been a long time, had the few comments that i made and my smile really been something to remember. how sweet, how cute, how kismet?
sure give him my number, i would love to go out on a date with him. i had known his name for a long time. it had been in the back of my mind. i heard amber all the time yammering about him, which nothing would happen between them. a school girl crush on a another one that would get away is how amber filled it. i loved amber, once she got word that a crush was not interested she would find another one just as fast. i could probably name off a dozen or more in the two years we were friends, but again dygressing.
so don't ask how many days or hours it was, but he called. i got this cute message on my phone, telling me a little about him and our mutual friend and then giving me the seven digits that would allow us to begin our first moments. i don't really remember that first date, i think it was the typical movie and dinner date. i can't remember the movie or the food. i can remember that he picked me up from work, that we held hands and that his kiss was magical. short lived it was though, not more than a couple of weeks later we spoke about his first love coming back into his life. i understand, i wanted to marry my first love. i wanted to keep him wrapped in safety and have his children, the first one was so simple, so pure and yet so painful. to regain the purity of a first love was something that i could not deny such a good man. so i backed away, i put on the pompoms and said 'go for it'. everyone deserves love, that has always been a philosophy of mine. love love, love kisses and hugs and compassion, love love. how could i stand in the way. i walked away... sad and happy all at the same time.
some months later, i was cleaning my room. those that knew me know that i was never happy with it and that it was an all day endeavor to say the least. i was going through the random scrapes of paper in my telephone table, yes a real old antique of a table, where in the top there was a nice wide drawer to keep random scrapes of paper with peoples phone numbers on them. far replaced today by a cell phone contact list that is gone through every couple of years. and it was there, written in that guy scratch, not even crumpled, but there.
what should i do, should i call. if he is with her, it may be ackward. if he isn't maybe its just weird. regardless i sat on the floor and looked at that scrap of paper for what seemed like a lifetime. finally i realized that there was no reason not to try. be brave, what have you got to lose. so i called and the message i left was weird. unable to erase and rerecord, it went something like 'hi..., i don't know if you remember me, but my name is..., i came across yor number and just figured that i would call and see how you were... don't know if you still have my number but if you want to call me back it is ....'. i quickly hung up and crossed my fingers, he would either call or instantly delete it.
the next day when i got home from school and work, i had just as cryptic a message on my machine. 'hi.... it was funny but i was just thinking about you.... i didn't have your number and didnt have (our mutual friends name) either.... i am glad you called, call me back, please.... oh its ....'. i can tell you that i smiled a smile that i hadn't smiled before and hadn't smiled again in a while. he called. he called. HE CALLED. yeah. yeah. giddy giddy little girl comes out. grasping my hands together over my heart and smiling bigger and bigger as i replayed the message. i called instantly and left another message, this time with a much more chipper voice and the times that he could call me back and actually speak to me.
he was going to state, i was going to city. he worked nights, i worked days. it would be hard but we would figure it out. the second time without any remnant of her in his brain, just me. just smiling, giddy girl me. the dates this time i remember, but there weren't many of them until i ran away. we weren't bf/gf or anything. we enjoyed each other's company. i remember going to his friends house and hanging. i remember hot cocoa and brownies on the hood of his car watching the stars in the middle of nowhere at whatever o'clock in the morning. i remember cuddling on his bed, making out, watching heat, a movie to this day i haven't seen all of.
i did call him right before i left. i told him i was moving. i never talked to him though and i am trully sorry for that. i think that is why i did it. i think that is why i had to try. i think that is why i called five numbers to get a hold of someone that knew him and would relay it. who better than parents. who better to relay a message that a person you talk to all the time.
i heard he is divorced now, it didn't work out. sometimes they don't - you can't beat yourself up about it. you just stand up, dust off the road that just hit you square in the ass and try to walk - hoping that the bruises are just bruises and not full broken bones. and so i sit here waiting.... hoping... and praying... and wishing... wait that is a song, get the song out of my head.
that is why i say third times the charm. the third time is the best. the best things come in threes. etc. three has always been a good number for me. a good number for the day and the way and the means. a good thing. today is a good day because i tried, i was brave, i found someone to relay the message that i wanted to get a hold of him. so now i wait and waiting sucks....
waiting sucks... he kind of was the one that got away. he is the one that got away. remember about seeing the light through the trees. i hated fresno so much that the second i got an opportunity to get away i did. i took a job in san francisco with my uncle and never looked back. one day i was there and the next day i was gone. to this day i don't know if i remember telling him... i owe him an apology. it shouldn't matter how long ago it was, i owe him that. he was such a good person with a big heart. he was so much more that i deserved at the time. i wasn't ready for what he could give without even thinking about how much he was giving.
over the years, i have thought about him. sometimes he would pop into my dreams, sometimes into my thoughts and sometimes into my day dreams. regardless of where i was or what i thought, he was there. i couldn't escape him. over the years we have kept mutual friends but still no way to get a hold of him directly. i always knew that he was okay and that he was doing well and that he was happy.
i always asked and when someone would say 'i will tell him you said hello', i would just say no no no. don't need to bother him with my hellos, he doesn't even remember me. i never heard from him and that was my sign that he didn't want to know where i was either, right....
the optimist in me says that you always remember the people that you spend a little time with and that you continue to care for. the philosophizer in me says that there is a time and a place for everything. third times the charm, right?
the first time we met was at a football game - the battle of barstow. a friend had a super crush on him and he was a football player for the other team. i still remember the moment, we were in the middle of the field. his team had just creamed our again, another battle won by hoover and lost by bullard. it didn't matter much since our team blew. i did offensive stats for them and they still blew. not like my writing downs plays made them any better or any worse, but i dygress. i still remember amber's body language - flirty and seductive as a 16 year old could be. i just looked him straight in his beautiful blue eyes, stuck out my hand and said hi. i was dating at the time, jack.. oh, jack, but again i dygress. we stood there for a moment, me looking all over the fireld for friends that i knew, amber bludgening him with her charm. then goodbyes and we were off, over the railing and back to the truck. i remember looking over my shoulder at him smiling and i smiled back, a quick wave and then gone.
i would say almost a year later, he was working with my best friend. they worked at a random fast food place outside of her high school, their high school techinically. she was now a senior, so was i and he had graduated if i have my timeline correct. they were bored, i think, looking at each others pictures in wallets, i think. not my story so just a little fuzzy. when she showed him my picture, he said he remembered me and that he wanted my number, again i think. she will have to remind me of the story, but once i was involved it was because of an answering machine message. she called and it was like she had the best news in the world.
'do you remember so and so, well he wants your number, can i give it to him.' him, him who. then i remembered, the boy on the field with the blue eyes. why would he want my number? it was such a random meeting, wasn't it. it had been a long time, had the few comments that i made and my smile really been something to remember. how sweet, how cute, how kismet?
sure give him my number, i would love to go out on a date with him. i had known his name for a long time. it had been in the back of my mind. i heard amber all the time yammering about him, which nothing would happen between them. a school girl crush on a another one that would get away is how amber filled it. i loved amber, once she got word that a crush was not interested she would find another one just as fast. i could probably name off a dozen or more in the two years we were friends, but again dygressing.
so don't ask how many days or hours it was, but he called. i got this cute message on my phone, telling me a little about him and our mutual friend and then giving me the seven digits that would allow us to begin our first moments. i don't really remember that first date, i think it was the typical movie and dinner date. i can't remember the movie or the food. i can remember that he picked me up from work, that we held hands and that his kiss was magical. short lived it was though, not more than a couple of weeks later we spoke about his first love coming back into his life. i understand, i wanted to marry my first love. i wanted to keep him wrapped in safety and have his children, the first one was so simple, so pure and yet so painful. to regain the purity of a first love was something that i could not deny such a good man. so i backed away, i put on the pompoms and said 'go for it'. everyone deserves love, that has always been a philosophy of mine. love love, love kisses and hugs and compassion, love love. how could i stand in the way. i walked away... sad and happy all at the same time.
some months later, i was cleaning my room. those that knew me know that i was never happy with it and that it was an all day endeavor to say the least. i was going through the random scrapes of paper in my telephone table, yes a real old antique of a table, where in the top there was a nice wide drawer to keep random scrapes of paper with peoples phone numbers on them. far replaced today by a cell phone contact list that is gone through every couple of years. and it was there, written in that guy scratch, not even crumpled, but there.
what should i do, should i call. if he is with her, it may be ackward. if he isn't maybe its just weird. regardless i sat on the floor and looked at that scrap of paper for what seemed like a lifetime. finally i realized that there was no reason not to try. be brave, what have you got to lose. so i called and the message i left was weird. unable to erase and rerecord, it went something like 'hi..., i don't know if you remember me, but my name is..., i came across yor number and just figured that i would call and see how you were... don't know if you still have my number but if you want to call me back it is ....'. i quickly hung up and crossed my fingers, he would either call or instantly delete it.
the next day when i got home from school and work, i had just as cryptic a message on my machine. 'hi.... it was funny but i was just thinking about you.... i didn't have your number and didnt have (our mutual friends name) either.... i am glad you called, call me back, please.... oh its ....'. i can tell you that i smiled a smile that i hadn't smiled before and hadn't smiled again in a while. he called. he called. HE CALLED. yeah. yeah. giddy giddy little girl comes out. grasping my hands together over my heart and smiling bigger and bigger as i replayed the message. i called instantly and left another message, this time with a much more chipper voice and the times that he could call me back and actually speak to me.
he was going to state, i was going to city. he worked nights, i worked days. it would be hard but we would figure it out. the second time without any remnant of her in his brain, just me. just smiling, giddy girl me. the dates this time i remember, but there weren't many of them until i ran away. we weren't bf/gf or anything. we enjoyed each other's company. i remember going to his friends house and hanging. i remember hot cocoa and brownies on the hood of his car watching the stars in the middle of nowhere at whatever o'clock in the morning. i remember cuddling on his bed, making out, watching heat, a movie to this day i haven't seen all of.
i did call him right before i left. i told him i was moving. i never talked to him though and i am trully sorry for that. i think that is why i did it. i think that is why i had to try. i think that is why i called five numbers to get a hold of someone that knew him and would relay it. who better than parents. who better to relay a message that a person you talk to all the time.
i heard he is divorced now, it didn't work out. sometimes they don't - you can't beat yourself up about it. you just stand up, dust off the road that just hit you square in the ass and try to walk - hoping that the bruises are just bruises and not full broken bones. and so i sit here waiting.... hoping... and praying... and wishing... wait that is a song, get the song out of my head.
that is why i say third times the charm. the third time is the best. the best things come in threes. etc. three has always been a good number for me. a good number for the day and the way and the means. a good thing. today is a good day because i tried, i was brave, i found someone to relay the message that i wanted to get a hold of him. so now i wait and waiting sucks....
Monday, January 12, 2009
what can't people just be real
so i have been trying to get to know people. and what i have realized is that nowadays people can be so fake. when asked a question, they think and think and think about the perfect way to answer it. but when it comes down to it, no one is perfect so why do we try.
perfection is for each one of us and as perfect or imperfect as we want ourselves to be. if you want to be an ass, be an ass. if you want to be a model, all i ask is that you know your own limitations without beating yourself into the ground. this isn't american idol and if i were a judge, i would so be simon. but when it comes down to it we all have our little perks that make us.... well us.
i think the best song to describe me, though i have my blog filled with ten is meredith brooks bitch. i can be everything at anytime i want to be. when my roommates children are here i am stern and guiding and helpful. when i go out i am a party girl, keeping the conversation going from g to nc-17and back again, drinking my long island ice teas or matching shot for shot with kamikazes. when i am alone i am lonely and concentrating on playing sudoku or being creative writing poetry with my cats on my bed purring away. when i am at work i am the model whatever, respectful and disciplined.
with me it really depends on what you expect as to what i give. i don't change who i am, i just sometimes calm down my wacky nature to fit in a little better. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. i talk like a guy and i like it. you don't, i apologize but i changed for my last relationship and lost who i was, who he fell for and who i knew.
when it comes down to it, if you want to know me - you will need to know the real me. if not i apologize but this boat is furnished and ready for someone to take her as she is. goofy, crazy, silly, wacky, sexy, spirited and all. you ready?
perfection is for each one of us and as perfect or imperfect as we want ourselves to be. if you want to be an ass, be an ass. if you want to be a model, all i ask is that you know your own limitations without beating yourself into the ground. this isn't american idol and if i were a judge, i would so be simon. but when it comes down to it we all have our little perks that make us.... well us.
i think the best song to describe me, though i have my blog filled with ten is meredith brooks bitch. i can be everything at anytime i want to be. when my roommates children are here i am stern and guiding and helpful. when i go out i am a party girl, keeping the conversation going from g to nc-17and back again, drinking my long island ice teas or matching shot for shot with kamikazes. when i am alone i am lonely and concentrating on playing sudoku or being creative writing poetry with my cats on my bed purring away. when i am at work i am the model whatever, respectful and disciplined.
with me it really depends on what you expect as to what i give. i don't change who i am, i just sometimes calm down my wacky nature to fit in a little better. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. i talk like a guy and i like it. you don't, i apologize but i changed for my last relationship and lost who i was, who he fell for and who i knew.
when it comes down to it, if you want to know me - you will need to know the real me. if not i apologize but this boat is furnished and ready for someone to take her as she is. goofy, crazy, silly, wacky, sexy, spirited and all. you ready?
Friday, January 9, 2009
actions speak louder than words. it is a phrase that we have all heard if not uttered ourselves. you may have been mad or angry or sad or hurt or happy or whatever, but we have all been there.
well what actions are we talking about the ones that we see or those that we don't. just because we work so hard to interpret the actions we see, doesn't mean the intention was the same to those that we didn't see.
the problem is that when it comes down to it, we base our entire lives on the actions that we see. we even base our lives on the words that we hear. and when it comes down to it, the ones that we don't aren't so important even though they are there. we know they are because others have heard one person say them or do them and have told us. but telephone is still telephone and positive or negative, we still want to see and hear them from that person directly. we want them to have the strength to tell us or the courage to show us. we want them to stand and fight regardless of our words, but if they run away. well then we feel we are to blame because we would have fought, we would have stood and we would have told. we would have tried at least....
case in point - i have been told many time by people that my fashions are beautiful, that they are unique, that i should be proud of myself. but to those that i know are proud of me, i have really never heard the words or seen the actions that manifest that feeling. i have based my opinion of what he thinks on the comments made with pursed lips and sighs of discontent.
when it comes down to it, i think he hates it. i think he thinks its a waste of time. i think he thinks that i will never go anywhere with it. and even though my heart aches for the creation of this life, i feel that maybe i should give it up and remove it from my life because it is yet another frivolous hope.
if we all had people that made such a negative deal out of things such as this, the world would come to a halt. the inventions and forwarding thinking of our society would stop and reverse.
is it hard to look past the negativity to try to make a positive action or word. it is hard for many of us to come out of our own bubble and look around. if you look at life as if you were a caterpillar trying to become a butterfly, when do you think your cocoon would allow you to break free. or when it comes down to it, do we ever break free of the walls that we have wound around ourselves.
as a caterpillar, we survived the elements around us to climb onto a tree branch that would be safe from predators. so that we could wrap ourselves in security and warmth and become who we were destined to become. we lay quietly in that cocoon thinking and planning and dreaming of the next phase. the phase were we would break free and know where we were to fly off to. we are supposed to break free, let our wings dry and fly off to the next phase of our lives. the next step. the next hope. but how come we still feel so lost. some of us continue to hide, we decide that perhaps we are better in the cocoon. or worse yet we break open a little section to see the world but not experience the world.
who is braver in the long run... the caterpillar that says fuck it and remains one - the butterfly that breaks free and flys away - or the one with safety in the cocoon, happy to remain safe. truthfully that is an answer that you must decide for yourself as this is not a 'one size fits all' scenario.
i personally have climbed up onto the tree and found my branch. i wasn't happy just being a caterpillar, i wanted the wings. i wanted to fly, but allas i find myself to not be sure how to break free or if i want to. my cocoon feels bogged down with snow and now my safe and warm situation is changing. for months, if not years it has been soggy and cold. what do i do. what if there is snow all around. can i break free and if i do can i survive. will i wither and die. will my wings ever dry to allow me to fly.
i thought i had perched myself near other caterpillars. some have gone and their cocoons are only shells now. others are having singular parties for one and i can gently hear the music, and yet others like me cry at night. bracing ourselves for the next step but not strong enough to break free.
all i know is that my actions will not speak louder than my words. TODAY my actions will equal my words. they will EQUAL for now on. i will not say one thing and do another. i will not have hurt in my heart and not in my head. i will bring them together and unlike sisters, i will not allow them to bicker any longer.
can you be strong enough to bridge the icy air with me or will you run away again, leaving me alone to try to figure things out and just feel lost in the cold night air.
well what actions are we talking about the ones that we see or those that we don't. just because we work so hard to interpret the actions we see, doesn't mean the intention was the same to those that we didn't see.
the problem is that when it comes down to it, we base our entire lives on the actions that we see. we even base our lives on the words that we hear. and when it comes down to it, the ones that we don't aren't so important even though they are there. we know they are because others have heard one person say them or do them and have told us. but telephone is still telephone and positive or negative, we still want to see and hear them from that person directly. we want them to have the strength to tell us or the courage to show us. we want them to stand and fight regardless of our words, but if they run away. well then we feel we are to blame because we would have fought, we would have stood and we would have told. we would have tried at least....
case in point - i have been told many time by people that my fashions are beautiful, that they are unique, that i should be proud of myself. but to those that i know are proud of me, i have really never heard the words or seen the actions that manifest that feeling. i have based my opinion of what he thinks on the comments made with pursed lips and sighs of discontent.
when it comes down to it, i think he hates it. i think he thinks its a waste of time. i think he thinks that i will never go anywhere with it. and even though my heart aches for the creation of this life, i feel that maybe i should give it up and remove it from my life because it is yet another frivolous hope.
if we all had people that made such a negative deal out of things such as this, the world would come to a halt. the inventions and forwarding thinking of our society would stop and reverse.
is it hard to look past the negativity to try to make a positive action or word. it is hard for many of us to come out of our own bubble and look around. if you look at life as if you were a caterpillar trying to become a butterfly, when do you think your cocoon would allow you to break free. or when it comes down to it, do we ever break free of the walls that we have wound around ourselves.
as a caterpillar, we survived the elements around us to climb onto a tree branch that would be safe from predators. so that we could wrap ourselves in security and warmth and become who we were destined to become. we lay quietly in that cocoon thinking and planning and dreaming of the next phase. the phase were we would break free and know where we were to fly off to. we are supposed to break free, let our wings dry and fly off to the next phase of our lives. the next step. the next hope. but how come we still feel so lost. some of us continue to hide, we decide that perhaps we are better in the cocoon. or worse yet we break open a little section to see the world but not experience the world.
who is braver in the long run... the caterpillar that says fuck it and remains one - the butterfly that breaks free and flys away - or the one with safety in the cocoon, happy to remain safe. truthfully that is an answer that you must decide for yourself as this is not a 'one size fits all' scenario.
i personally have climbed up onto the tree and found my branch. i wasn't happy just being a caterpillar, i wanted the wings. i wanted to fly, but allas i find myself to not be sure how to break free or if i want to. my cocoon feels bogged down with snow and now my safe and warm situation is changing. for months, if not years it has been soggy and cold. what do i do. what if there is snow all around. can i break free and if i do can i survive. will i wither and die. will my wings ever dry to allow me to fly.
i thought i had perched myself near other caterpillars. some have gone and their cocoons are only shells now. others are having singular parties for one and i can gently hear the music, and yet others like me cry at night. bracing ourselves for the next step but not strong enough to break free.
all i know is that my actions will not speak louder than my words. TODAY my actions will equal my words. they will EQUAL for now on. i will not say one thing and do another. i will not have hurt in my heart and not in my head. i will bring them together and unlike sisters, i will not allow them to bicker any longer.
can you be strong enough to bridge the icy air with me or will you run away again, leaving me alone to try to figure things out and just feel lost in the cold night air.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
new quote for the new year
so i am reading this book that my aunt gave me years ago and unfortunately it has just been sitting on the shelf, bind unbroken, collecting dusts. dusts from 6-7 different moves and who knows what else. regardless with the drama going on in my life right now, i totally pulled it down and decided that i would read it this year.
i say year, not because i am a slow reader but because it is kind of like a stewart smalley affirmation book without the cheesy SNL background music. the book is call simple abundance. it is about getting down to the nitty gritty and allowing your life to flourish without all the bullshit. my aunt bought that and the journal for daily thanks just before my marriage in 2002 and I started two days ago in 2009. wow seven years, perhaps it was like a broken mirror, i didn't see it until the bad luck wore off.
either way what you do is read a daily essay in the morning, use throughout the day and then write five short thanks on the lines provided in the journal. simple right, simple abundance is right. and no this is not an infomercial, but if you want the author, let me know.....
so today there was a quote at the bottom of the essay from gertrude stein which has two parts "it is inevitable when one has great need of something, one finds it" she then reminds us "what you need you attract like a lover".
i sat and thought how great the two together were, but then how great the two were seperate. i took the first to mean that if we clear the mess out of our life then we will find the something that is our greatest need. my greatest need right now is understanding - understanding of why he did what he did, understanding of why i did what i did, understanding of the new path in front of me and where the darn lightswitch is since the path is dark, understanding of who i am, who i was and who i want to be.
understanding is something that i think we all are plagued with and probably in the same ways that i mentioned above. it is simple if the right questions can be answered but when the answers can't come from within ourselves or our outside influences then we all feel lost. we feel unloved or unhinged or unmoved. we lose care and with care, i think we further lose our understanding which is where the journey started in the first place.... right?? .... right !!??
the second part was more profound than i could imagine but the reason i added it to this blog was that it hit home. my and mine had lost track from each other, he was upset with me and i with him. we had lost the ability to trully talk to each other and instead we assumed the other knew why we were upset because we had said it so many times that both of us were losing breath. we were miserable with each other and even though we were starting a new chapter with the purchase of our house, we couldn't come together to make it a home. to this day we are both perplexed and have filled our lives with new people that continue to tell us things that make us cry and upset ourselves. but more back to the point of the quote. we have attracted new lovers, maybe not the perfect lovers for us since we are still connected to each other but lovers that make us happy.
when attracting a lover, you attract them at your current emotional state... at your current mood. if you are unsure of what your path has in store for you or are stuck at a fork in the road and unsure what path to take you will attract those type of people. i have bonded very much so with new friends that have or are going through much of the same things that i am. it sucks because somethimes it feels like everyone was invited to the same pitty party and the party sucks.
there is only one that isn't in the same realm as my other friends, he is my new lover and he is simple as the day is long. he removes himself from drama and lives each day to the best that he can do. he doesn't book too much into his life so not to over complicate things because if he couldn't complete them then he would be upset that he didn't keep his own promises. his family is his life, his family comes first. his friends are for relief and fun. he struggles with drama but then everytime he is needed he tends to be there for each one of us. he is only a lover, someone i would like to fill my life with, or at least his philosophy on life. having him around has calmed me down. when i am negative, he helps me switch back to positive mode and it is so simple to him not to be that way. we talk and talk and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. he doesn't look back, he is ever moving forward. he is ever happy and he makes me smile all the time. it is so simple for him to understand and be simple too. when it comes down to it, i feel that the powers that be knew that i needed someone like him and brought him to me.
i have friends right now that are seeing the change, friends that knew me before the drama and see me returning to my former self. they know who i was and loved me for every flaw that i had/have. i did change in my relationship, when he was unhappy i tried to make him happy which drained me. my well was dry at many times and without allowing me a single drop. i removed my mother from my life for very much the same reason, the negativity. the harder i worked the worse it seemed to get. we filled our lives with junk, junk. there was no meaning to anything and when i did try to make myself happy i was called selfish. no way to live ones life in my opionion, no way. in the beginning it was perfect, we had nothing and it was simple. stuff is just stuff to me and even though it is pretty or can fill a room who says its needed.
need and want are two huge things which brings me into todays essay. you want it buy the book.... but it comes down to need versus want. what i need is small, a warm and soft place to sleep, a partner to help me through bad times and boost me in good times, friends that understand the simple loves in life like hotdogs at baseball games, hot cocoa and a warm fireplace when its raining, etc.
my wants are huge, but i think they are more like dreams than wants. i want to start my own fashion company and succeed at selling a line to macys or better. i want to design for starlets. i want a person in my life that smiles when he sees me and that i am the first things he pays attention to when either of us walk through the door. i want to be wanted and needed in return, even when the day has been bad or was too long. i think he is out there, i know he is out there, but then maybe he is a figment. figments are nice, they pop up in dreams which can make one happy too. but then are other cheesier wants that are just wants, i want a new mattress, a new couch, a better kitchen, a backyard - all monetary and stupid. my life will be no better with these things, they are just more things to pack when i move, more junk.
well this chick/bitch/babe/lady/girl/woman is getting rid of the junk. i am using each day to create a simple list that i can complete. i am filling my well again with love and lust and understanding for my life and for the people that make me smile. i am going to move forward, the past is the past and all it does is make me cry more than i want to and more than i care to. happy kelly is coming back and hence the name change on my space from my actual name to my new motto. i will live each day like i am going to disneyland and make my life the happiest place on earth.
i say year, not because i am a slow reader but because it is kind of like a stewart smalley affirmation book without the cheesy SNL background music. the book is call simple abundance. it is about getting down to the nitty gritty and allowing your life to flourish without all the bullshit. my aunt bought that and the journal for daily thanks just before my marriage in 2002 and I started two days ago in 2009. wow seven years, perhaps it was like a broken mirror, i didn't see it until the bad luck wore off.
either way what you do is read a daily essay in the morning, use throughout the day and then write five short thanks on the lines provided in the journal. simple right, simple abundance is right. and no this is not an infomercial, but if you want the author, let me know.....
so today there was a quote at the bottom of the essay from gertrude stein which has two parts "it is inevitable when one has great need of something, one finds it" she then reminds us "what you need you attract like a lover".
i sat and thought how great the two together were, but then how great the two were seperate. i took the first to mean that if we clear the mess out of our life then we will find the something that is our greatest need. my greatest need right now is understanding - understanding of why he did what he did, understanding of why i did what i did, understanding of the new path in front of me and where the darn lightswitch is since the path is dark, understanding of who i am, who i was and who i want to be.
understanding is something that i think we all are plagued with and probably in the same ways that i mentioned above. it is simple if the right questions can be answered but when the answers can't come from within ourselves or our outside influences then we all feel lost. we feel unloved or unhinged or unmoved. we lose care and with care, i think we further lose our understanding which is where the journey started in the first place.... right?? .... right !!??
the second part was more profound than i could imagine but the reason i added it to this blog was that it hit home. my and mine had lost track from each other, he was upset with me and i with him. we had lost the ability to trully talk to each other and instead we assumed the other knew why we were upset because we had said it so many times that both of us were losing breath. we were miserable with each other and even though we were starting a new chapter with the purchase of our house, we couldn't come together to make it a home. to this day we are both perplexed and have filled our lives with new people that continue to tell us things that make us cry and upset ourselves. but more back to the point of the quote. we have attracted new lovers, maybe not the perfect lovers for us since we are still connected to each other but lovers that make us happy.
when attracting a lover, you attract them at your current emotional state... at your current mood. if you are unsure of what your path has in store for you or are stuck at a fork in the road and unsure what path to take you will attract those type of people. i have bonded very much so with new friends that have or are going through much of the same things that i am. it sucks because somethimes it feels like everyone was invited to the same pitty party and the party sucks.
there is only one that isn't in the same realm as my other friends, he is my new lover and he is simple as the day is long. he removes himself from drama and lives each day to the best that he can do. he doesn't book too much into his life so not to over complicate things because if he couldn't complete them then he would be upset that he didn't keep his own promises. his family is his life, his family comes first. his friends are for relief and fun. he struggles with drama but then everytime he is needed he tends to be there for each one of us. he is only a lover, someone i would like to fill my life with, or at least his philosophy on life. having him around has calmed me down. when i am negative, he helps me switch back to positive mode and it is so simple to him not to be that way. we talk and talk and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. he doesn't look back, he is ever moving forward. he is ever happy and he makes me smile all the time. it is so simple for him to understand and be simple too. when it comes down to it, i feel that the powers that be knew that i needed someone like him and brought him to me.
i have friends right now that are seeing the change, friends that knew me before the drama and see me returning to my former self. they know who i was and loved me for every flaw that i had/have. i did change in my relationship, when he was unhappy i tried to make him happy which drained me. my well was dry at many times and without allowing me a single drop. i removed my mother from my life for very much the same reason, the negativity. the harder i worked the worse it seemed to get. we filled our lives with junk, junk. there was no meaning to anything and when i did try to make myself happy i was called selfish. no way to live ones life in my opionion, no way. in the beginning it was perfect, we had nothing and it was simple. stuff is just stuff to me and even though it is pretty or can fill a room who says its needed.
need and want are two huge things which brings me into todays essay. you want it buy the book.... but it comes down to need versus want. what i need is small, a warm and soft place to sleep, a partner to help me through bad times and boost me in good times, friends that understand the simple loves in life like hotdogs at baseball games, hot cocoa and a warm fireplace when its raining, etc.
my wants are huge, but i think they are more like dreams than wants. i want to start my own fashion company and succeed at selling a line to macys or better. i want to design for starlets. i want a person in my life that smiles when he sees me and that i am the first things he pays attention to when either of us walk through the door. i want to be wanted and needed in return, even when the day has been bad or was too long. i think he is out there, i know he is out there, but then maybe he is a figment. figments are nice, they pop up in dreams which can make one happy too. but then are other cheesier wants that are just wants, i want a new mattress, a new couch, a better kitchen, a backyard - all monetary and stupid. my life will be no better with these things, they are just more things to pack when i move, more junk.
well this chick/bitch/babe/lady/girl/woman is getting rid of the junk. i am using each day to create a simple list that i can complete. i am filling my well again with love and lust and understanding for my life and for the people that make me smile. i am going to move forward, the past is the past and all it does is make me cry more than i want to and more than i care to. happy kelly is coming back and hence the name change on my space from my actual name to my new motto. i will live each day like i am going to disneyland and make my life the happiest place on earth.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
life can't be simple because i am not
Written Sunday, January 04, 2009 @10:03am
why can't life be simple - i think that line really explains my thinking right now or my want to not be thinking. i am not talking ten or twenty years ago simple or even further back then that, i am talking dark ages simple.
where you got up with the sun and went to bed with the moon. where your family was your life. where a girl was married off when she became a woman. you would have a couple of kids with a man you didn't know. were lucky to live through the plague. and were dead by thirty.
yes i said it, life right now is too complicated. i thought being a grown up would be cool. have a job, buy what you want when you want. go out and so on. it all looked so fun in the movies. it all seemed so simple in the movies. problem is that the lighting is perfect and the make-up never fades and that is not real life.
real life is hard, harder then you think and i have realized that i have fucked up. i just have. to all of my friends i apologize as i haven't been real. if you haven't seen me cry and i do a lot and not just with sappy romantic movies that i prefer to watch alone. i have been fake and phony and a giant smart ass. i have this great new friend that has really woke me up and i now realize that i have been hiding from all of you.
do any of you know where i grew up, how old i was when my father left my mother because he didn't want us anymore or even know that was the reason in the first place. do any of you know that i detest my mother for never showing me how to put on make-up or dress and that the only true attention that i got from her was patting my ass and telling me that i was fat. do you know that i idolized my father so much that i wanted to live with him and that i purposely was a horrible child to my darling step father because i just wanted them all to get sick of me and let me move out, actually kick my ass out. do you know that i have a brother, that he is 2yrs and 11 months to the day younger than me and that there were years that i hated him too because my mother paid so much attention to him that i might as well have been invisible because i felt that way.
looking back being invisible was easy, no one paid attention so it didn't mater what i said or what i did. i was just this lovable idiot. kelly is here and she will make us laugh, throw crackers for the monkey and she will dance. well friends, be warned i am better one on one. you get the real me, the totally damaged, real me.
right now i feel broken. because these are private now i can tell you that my husband richard decided that pussy was more important than marriage and he went literally next door and hooked up with my former roommate courtney. maybe it was because i took a job in la and was 88 miles away from sunday night to friday night and maybe it was because he just didn't like me anymore. truth is i don't think i have liked myself for years. i have lied and told different people different stories because i wanted to hide or reinvent, i am not sure.
i only think jackie knows the real me and she has been the friend that has stuck by this broken person for years. we have known each other since 3rd grade and she introduced herself to me. when i was the new kid at a new school after being moved to a new home with just my mom and brother. she came up to me and asked if i needed a friend. looking back on that i tear up, so simple and so innocent. we have stayed friends even though i know i don't deserve her, i got jealous of her, her wonderful husband and her beautiful children. she pretty much has the white picked fenced house metaphorically that i have always longed for.
i think i want to change. i think i need to show everyone the real me. so if you want to be my friend you need to know, i don't like being the one in front, i am totally comfortable in the middle or last. i have to tell myself that i look nice before i go back because i don't notice people looking at me unless they are right in my eyeline. i don't flirt on a serious level, i fake and i would prefer to kiss and cuddle with someone while starring deep into thier eyes because i can get lost in other people. really i am just the scared little girl that still wants her mother's attention but never really got the positive attention.
i just want to be loved and held and told everything is going to be okay. right now i am seeing a man that the other night, just let me cuddle up on his chest while he stroked my hair. the problem that i have is that when he is here life is simple, i can forget everything else and just be and i love him for that. he tells me i think too much and i do, but i want him here all the time. i have only seen him for the last couple of months since all of this crap transpired and i would love to tomorrow have him move in and calm me down. i know that truthfully i need to fix myself before i am going to be good for anyone else but it is all such a utopia, such euphoria and it will probably end in the blink of an eye.
really i praise praise, i love love and i honor honor. my new years resolution will be a simple one, try to fix me and make me more simple. i will calm down and listen. i will talk when i have something important to say. i will give others time. i will open myself and my heart. and i will never ever again fill out one of those bullshit questionnaires. okay guys, ask me whatever you want, truth upon truth from now on and be warned it may be boring.
why can't life be simple - i think that line really explains my thinking right now or my want to not be thinking. i am not talking ten or twenty years ago simple or even further back then that, i am talking dark ages simple.
where you got up with the sun and went to bed with the moon. where your family was your life. where a girl was married off when she became a woman. you would have a couple of kids with a man you didn't know. were lucky to live through the plague. and were dead by thirty.
yes i said it, life right now is too complicated. i thought being a grown up would be cool. have a job, buy what you want when you want. go out and so on. it all looked so fun in the movies. it all seemed so simple in the movies. problem is that the lighting is perfect and the make-up never fades and that is not real life.
real life is hard, harder then you think and i have realized that i have fucked up. i just have. to all of my friends i apologize as i haven't been real. if you haven't seen me cry and i do a lot and not just with sappy romantic movies that i prefer to watch alone. i have been fake and phony and a giant smart ass. i have this great new friend that has really woke me up and i now realize that i have been hiding from all of you.
do any of you know where i grew up, how old i was when my father left my mother because he didn't want us anymore or even know that was the reason in the first place. do any of you know that i detest my mother for never showing me how to put on make-up or dress and that the only true attention that i got from her was patting my ass and telling me that i was fat. do you know that i idolized my father so much that i wanted to live with him and that i purposely was a horrible child to my darling step father because i just wanted them all to get sick of me and let me move out, actually kick my ass out. do you know that i have a brother, that he is 2yrs and 11 months to the day younger than me and that there were years that i hated him too because my mother paid so much attention to him that i might as well have been invisible because i felt that way.
looking back being invisible was easy, no one paid attention so it didn't mater what i said or what i did. i was just this lovable idiot. kelly is here and she will make us laugh, throw crackers for the monkey and she will dance. well friends, be warned i am better one on one. you get the real me, the totally damaged, real me.
right now i feel broken. because these are private now i can tell you that my husband richard decided that pussy was more important than marriage and he went literally next door and hooked up with my former roommate courtney. maybe it was because i took a job in la and was 88 miles away from sunday night to friday night and maybe it was because he just didn't like me anymore. truth is i don't think i have liked myself for years. i have lied and told different people different stories because i wanted to hide or reinvent, i am not sure.
i only think jackie knows the real me and she has been the friend that has stuck by this broken person for years. we have known each other since 3rd grade and she introduced herself to me. when i was the new kid at a new school after being moved to a new home with just my mom and brother. she came up to me and asked if i needed a friend. looking back on that i tear up, so simple and so innocent. we have stayed friends even though i know i don't deserve her, i got jealous of her, her wonderful husband and her beautiful children. she pretty much has the white picked fenced house metaphorically that i have always longed for.
i think i want to change. i think i need to show everyone the real me. so if you want to be my friend you need to know, i don't like being the one in front, i am totally comfortable in the middle or last. i have to tell myself that i look nice before i go back because i don't notice people looking at me unless they are right in my eyeline. i don't flirt on a serious level, i fake and i would prefer to kiss and cuddle with someone while starring deep into thier eyes because i can get lost in other people. really i am just the scared little girl that still wants her mother's attention but never really got the positive attention.
i just want to be loved and held and told everything is going to be okay. right now i am seeing a man that the other night, just let me cuddle up on his chest while he stroked my hair. the problem that i have is that when he is here life is simple, i can forget everything else and just be and i love him for that. he tells me i think too much and i do, but i want him here all the time. i have only seen him for the last couple of months since all of this crap transpired and i would love to tomorrow have him move in and calm me down. i know that truthfully i need to fix myself before i am going to be good for anyone else but it is all such a utopia, such euphoria and it will probably end in the blink of an eye.
really i praise praise, i love love and i honor honor. my new years resolution will be a simple one, try to fix me and make me more simple. i will calm down and listen. i will talk when i have something important to say. i will give others time. i will open myself and my heart. and i will never ever again fill out one of those bullshit questionnaires. okay guys, ask me whatever you want, truth upon truth from now on and be warned it may be boring.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
starting off the new year with a bang
okay.. okay...... you dirty dirty people, that is not at all what i am talking about and whether you believe it or not, sex is not what i am all about right now.
my very good friend robyn allowed me to take refuge at her house last night to end the worst year of my life and begin the new year off right..... with people and laughter and smiles and well wishes. don't get me wrong, the beginning of the evening was all about questions of life and love and getting back on track, but the end of the evening was smiles and laughter, and me with a great new outlook on 2009.
yes for me 2009 will be the year that i become myself again, the year that i really figure myself out and the year that i reconnect with people that were pushed from my life, unfortunately by my own hand.
on the 27th of december i got this great message from an old work friend, who i now know thought more of me than i have of myself in years. she took the time to send me this note which i feel brave enough to share with all of you, should you read this blog...."I am sorry things are shitty right now for you. Of all the people I know in this world you are least to deserve it. Honestly, you are one of the people I know that would go barefoot if it meant giving you shoes to someone who needed them. You are a selfless person, please remember that. I hope happiness will find its way to you. You have always been a good friend and treated me with kindness and courtesy. I am here if you want to talk."
talk about a windfall of emotions, i cried, i admit, i have cried a lot in the past year. the year that was supposed to be perfect yet was laden with lies and deceit. a year that was supposed to be full of growing and forward moving, but was nothing but fraud. its like they think i am stupid, like i wouldn't figure it out. even with the fake emotions and the hiding, i knew - i knew for longer than anyone realized, but i thought i was better and i thought he would figure that out.
well i have realized FUCK him. he is not worthy of me. i am creme brulee, hard on the outside but sweet and tasty on the inside and all he wants is a popsicle. i have realized that popsicle men want the variety box, even when they have the best in front of them they are always rummaging in the freezer for a quick fix. i have realized that one thing, she is a popsicle. quick to satisfy and then gone so that those popsicle men need more. they need another flavor. well this creme brulee is going to stay in the fridge and waiting for the man with the right taste, the man who savors the flavor, not just the one that wants the quick release.
it is time for me to take my own advise. 190 pounds is what i lost last year, 35 off myself and 155 of just bad weight, bad sour popsicle man weight. it is time to keep going with my weight lost and get back to the sexy self that I know is in the mirror, she is emerging slowly but fabulously. she will come out of this cocoon that she has been in and turn into a beautiful butterfly with long strong wings and a mind ready to battle the elements.
and all i want now is to let others know that i am ready. ready to be the friend that i started out as and somehow lost along the road of life. i apologize to all my old friends, again i love you more than you know and am here for you. and to my new friends thank you for being here for me in this time that i need you. the time on the phone crying because i almost did something that i would have never done in my right mind but i wasn't in my right mind.
i am in my right mind and the left side is working well too. thank you to you all and this girl is starting this year off with a bang!
my very good friend robyn allowed me to take refuge at her house last night to end the worst year of my life and begin the new year off right..... with people and laughter and smiles and well wishes. don't get me wrong, the beginning of the evening was all about questions of life and love and getting back on track, but the end of the evening was smiles and laughter, and me with a great new outlook on 2009.
yes for me 2009 will be the year that i become myself again, the year that i really figure myself out and the year that i reconnect with people that were pushed from my life, unfortunately by my own hand.
on the 27th of december i got this great message from an old work friend, who i now know thought more of me than i have of myself in years. she took the time to send me this note which i feel brave enough to share with all of you, should you read this blog...."I am sorry things are shitty right now for you. Of all the people I know in this world you are least to deserve it. Honestly, you are one of the people I know that would go barefoot if it meant giving you shoes to someone who needed them. You are a selfless person, please remember that. I hope happiness will find its way to you. You have always been a good friend and treated me with kindness and courtesy. I am here if you want to talk."
talk about a windfall of emotions, i cried, i admit, i have cried a lot in the past year. the year that was supposed to be perfect yet was laden with lies and deceit. a year that was supposed to be full of growing and forward moving, but was nothing but fraud. its like they think i am stupid, like i wouldn't figure it out. even with the fake emotions and the hiding, i knew - i knew for longer than anyone realized, but i thought i was better and i thought he would figure that out.
well i have realized FUCK him. he is not worthy of me. i am creme brulee, hard on the outside but sweet and tasty on the inside and all he wants is a popsicle. i have realized that popsicle men want the variety box, even when they have the best in front of them they are always rummaging in the freezer for a quick fix. i have realized that one thing, she is a popsicle. quick to satisfy and then gone so that those popsicle men need more. they need another flavor. well this creme brulee is going to stay in the fridge and waiting for the man with the right taste, the man who savors the flavor, not just the one that wants the quick release.
it is time for me to take my own advise. 190 pounds is what i lost last year, 35 off myself and 155 of just bad weight, bad sour popsicle man weight. it is time to keep going with my weight lost and get back to the sexy self that I know is in the mirror, she is emerging slowly but fabulously. she will come out of this cocoon that she has been in and turn into a beautiful butterfly with long strong wings and a mind ready to battle the elements.
and all i want now is to let others know that i am ready. ready to be the friend that i started out as and somehow lost along the road of life. i apologize to all my old friends, again i love you more than you know and am here for you. and to my new friends thank you for being here for me in this time that i need you. the time on the phone crying because i almost did something that i would have never done in my right mind but i wasn't in my right mind.
i am in my right mind and the left side is working well too. thank you to you all and this girl is starting this year off with a bang!
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