starting off the new year with a bang

okay.. okay...... you dirty dirty people, that is not at all what i am talking about and whether you believe it or not, sex is not what i am all about right now.

my very good friend robyn allowed me to take refuge at her house last night to end the worst year of my life and begin the new year off right..... with people and laughter and smiles and well wishes. don't get me wrong, the beginning of the evening was all about questions of life and love and getting back on track, but the end of the evening was smiles and laughter, and me with a great new outlook on 2009.

yes for me 2009 will be the year that i become myself again, the year that i really figure myself out and the year that i reconnect with people that were pushed from my life, unfortunately by my own hand.

on the 27th of december i got this great message from an old work friend, who i now know thought more of me than i have of myself in years. she took the time to send me this note which i feel brave enough to share with all of you, should you read this blog...."I am sorry things are shitty right now for you. Of all the people I know in this world you are least to deserve it. Honestly, you are one of the people I know that would go barefoot if it meant giving you shoes to someone who needed them. You are a selfless person, please remember that. I hope happiness will find its way to you. You have always been a good friend and treated me with kindness and courtesy. I am here if you want to talk."

talk about a windfall of emotions, i cried, i admit, i have cried a lot in the past year. the year that was supposed to be perfect yet was laden with lies and deceit. a year that was supposed to be full of growing and forward moving, but was nothing but fraud. its like they think i am stupid, like i wouldn't figure it out. even with the fake emotions and the hiding, i knew - i knew for longer than anyone realized, but i thought i was better and i thought he would figure that out.

well i have realized FUCK him. he is not worthy of me. i am creme brulee, hard on the outside but sweet and tasty on the inside and all he wants is a popsicle. i have realized that popsicle men want the variety box, even when they have the best in front of them they are always rummaging in the freezer for a quick fix. i have realized that one thing, she is a popsicle. quick to satisfy and then gone so that those popsicle men need more. they need another flavor. well this creme brulee is going to stay in the fridge and waiting for the man with the right taste, the man who savors the flavor, not just the one that wants the quick release.

it is time for me to take my own advise. 190 pounds is what i lost last year, 35 off myself and 155 of just bad weight, bad sour popsicle man weight. it is time to keep going with my weight lost and get back to the sexy self that I know is in the mirror, she is emerging slowly but fabulously. she will come out of this cocoon that she has been in and turn into a beautiful butterfly with long strong wings and a mind ready to battle the elements.

and all i want now is to let others know that i am ready. ready to be the friend that i started out as and somehow lost along the road of life. i apologize to all my old friends, again i love you more than you know and am here for you. and to my new friends thank you for being here for me in this time that i need you. the time on the phone crying because i almost did something that i would have never done in my right mind but i wasn't in my right mind.

i am in my right mind and the left side is working well too. thank you to you all and this girl is starting this year off with a bang!