i have been thinking about this for the past couple of days and the whole patriotic short fall of this country is laughable. we are coming up on yet another tragedy that befell our country on our own soil and we will again do the "i remember" bullshit of years past. these are the same people that piss me off for flying tattered faded flags off their cars or in front of their houses and only celebrate or make mention of our country when they have to such as national holidays of remembrance.
americans whether you came here on a boat, a plane or were born in this beautiful country need to remember that you are lucky to have the accesses to freedom that you have. regardless the technical politics of this country that you agree or disagree with. we are the most guarded country by our military whether foreign or domestic. you have embassies in every country you can travel to and even in the worst situation they will open there doors to you and protect you. and even our reservists help keep our country from getting worse by continually training and be ready to assist our country should ANYTHING happen.
i appreciate those that have given even a second to defend my right to work where i want, eat what i want, drink what i want and anything else that i want to do. this country may have its shortfalls but if you don't like it you can easily GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM or TRY SOMEPLACE ELSE!!
if you are the type of patriot that i am, you will always find yourself mouthing the words to our national anthem, you will tear up at just that spot before the end and you know where it is. you will own a flag that you will take pride in displaying with respect and solidarity as an american citizen. you will stand a little straighter watching that flag (or any other) blow in the breeze and remembering what your own family members may have done to insure that.
on this september 11th i will do the same thing that I do every september 11th which is NOTHING. I am proud today, I was proud yesterday and I am proud tomorrow to be AN AMERICAN. I will do for my country what my country deserves and I will thank those like my father (air force), my grandfather (Navy), my best friend Dave K (Navy) and my step brother Ryan (Air Force) for ensuring my countries safety and overall success. It is not the steps of this country that make it GREAT, it is its overall progression to keep us smiling on a daily basis and not making ALL OF US stand in line for food or services.
take the time to get your head out of your asses and STOP being superficial patriots. the USA has been through worse and survived, this is just taking a little longer than we had hoped but WE WILL SURVIVE THIS TO...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
... and the vicious cycle continues...
it is hard enough sometimes to take a big long look at your life and say to yourself "i fucked up, i fucked up somewhere and this is not where i want to be." it is even harder to try to figure out which minute string of the spider web known as your life is causing you to lose the flies you are trying to catch to sustain your life. i have realized sometimes it is all a front. a strong woman that has confidence, keeps a smile on her face through just about anything and inspires other to do the best for their life and their happiness, isn't always who i am.
i put on this front many, many years with my ex husband. there were times when i wanted to just crawl in bed after a ridiculously hard day to just vent, cry and have him there to pet my hair and us together figure out what needed to be done. but time after time on those days, i didn't get that. he was emotionally not there for me... i know for a fact that is why i gained the weight that i did. i know that he pulled me away from my family and friends so they weren't there for me either. and i know that after years of feeling alone in a relationship, i just gave up and put up this front of being uber confident.
after finally having the balls to give up on my marriage to a selfish, unloving, cheating man... it took me a long while to actually open my heart again. i have written previous blogs where i talk about feeling empty and yet again here i am feeling empty. wondering what part of myself i need to change to conform to the social norms and fill that space again. i have other female friends that are the same and may not do the same but for me i feel spent and wasted and full of holes most times. i like who i am but there is definitely two different sides to me.
as a friend i have realized that i am blunt and we are talking brutally blunt. i have never tried to make a friend cry and i have also never really ever given up on a true friend. i have had to remove friends from my life because in one way, shape or form because they had just become acquaintances by their actions which were emotionally or mentally harmful to me. but truthfully i am a great friend, i protect, mentor, shelter, advise and help my true friends. i am there for them no matter what time of day and i will put my life on hold if they need me. i will be the strength to their weakness and keep them focused on the positive because i can see their beauty, compassion and hope for better in their own lives even when they have mentally locked themselves away in a dark room. it takes a lot for me to give up on a friend and it is only when i feel a lack of partnership between myself and someone as a friend that i have to say goodbye.
as a significant other, i am vastly different. there have always been things that i keep locked away just for the person that fills that spot. it is the emotion, the true hopes and dreams, the working together to get some where... with my ex my dreams were crushed. it is one thing to mutually decide things together, it is yet another to be forced down a path you never wanted. when i was in my early 20s i looked towards my grandparents for inspiration on relationships. i wanted the family, i wanted the kids and the true companionship. i have seen where in the instances my grandfather was weak, my grandmother was strong and vice versa. i have seen the reason that they have been married more than 70 years. ultimately that was what i wanted, i said i wanted kids by a certain age, a house and the finer things to be happy and be productive in society. i met someone that said he wanted the same to, but it was all lies. i know that now, but then i always ALWAYS gave in to him....
i was severely broken after him. my trust was shot, my confidence was shot and i figured i would be alone forever. it was my one shot and i blew it. it was my one chance and somehow i ruined it. looking back i know it ruined me. each time i think maybe this time, i think perhaps this will work and i restructure my approach to something then i get shit on. and it isn't as if this guys was perfect, it wasn't as if he had the key to truly unlock things... but i do think each one is actually helping to build my walls higher than my ex's actions could ever build a fortress around me.
this time i cried... i cried before i went to bed last night, i tossed and turned all night and i woke up with tears running down my face again. and shaking my head, i know it wasn't the single actions of this man or perhaps boy... regardless it wasn't him that put me here right now, it was them. it was the men i dated after my marriage fell apart, it was the boyfriend that gave me everything and but for one little thing we couldn't make it. it was the series of bad dates, lame hook-ups and lack luster people that make me feel like giving up completely.
after my post last night, i feel loved. my best friend's phone call was immediate - he seems to hurt when i hurt and is very over protective. he has seen how i open up and get stomped on... he says "it's the guys i pick" and while i agree i couldn't put all of them in the same category to save my life so i am truthfully not sure what characteristic that i choose that helps me to hurt myself each time. i probably could make a list and with my feminine thinking truly figure out what one trait puts them all in the same category... oh wait i know, it would be their penis's... sorry that is my lame attempt at humor at this point... additionally some minutes later my new fav friend called, she is a breath of fresh warm air, seemingly a younger version of me with all the same passion and confusion for life. we spent the best weekend together and now i know we are true friends. after time talking to both of them, my cheerleaders in the "you're great - he sucks" rally that is my dating life MOST times, i crawled in bed and proceeded to cry myself to sleep.
my emotions got the better part of me last night, as much as this guy apologized and tried to not, in his words "be the asshole", well he was... but he wasn't the first and won't be the last. each time this happens i get more in the mindset that this is the best it is going to be for me. i waited too long to walk away from my last relationship and now i am going to remain this single female, living alone, collecting friends and cats, creating less than relationships with men because when i play the "come get me" female i am wrong just as much as when i play the "i'll get you" female. i seriously don't know what to do, i frustrated, i'm hurt and i don't want to try any more. i am sick of being hurt by the smallest of actions because i stack each failure on top of the last one... and right now my failures are seriously outweighing my accomplishments...
i put on this front many, many years with my ex husband. there were times when i wanted to just crawl in bed after a ridiculously hard day to just vent, cry and have him there to pet my hair and us together figure out what needed to be done. but time after time on those days, i didn't get that. he was emotionally not there for me... i know for a fact that is why i gained the weight that i did. i know that he pulled me away from my family and friends so they weren't there for me either. and i know that after years of feeling alone in a relationship, i just gave up and put up this front of being uber confident.
after finally having the balls to give up on my marriage to a selfish, unloving, cheating man... it took me a long while to actually open my heart again. i have written previous blogs where i talk about feeling empty and yet again here i am feeling empty. wondering what part of myself i need to change to conform to the social norms and fill that space again. i have other female friends that are the same and may not do the same but for me i feel spent and wasted and full of holes most times. i like who i am but there is definitely two different sides to me.
as a friend i have realized that i am blunt and we are talking brutally blunt. i have never tried to make a friend cry and i have also never really ever given up on a true friend. i have had to remove friends from my life because in one way, shape or form because they had just become acquaintances by their actions which were emotionally or mentally harmful to me. but truthfully i am a great friend, i protect, mentor, shelter, advise and help my true friends. i am there for them no matter what time of day and i will put my life on hold if they need me. i will be the strength to their weakness and keep them focused on the positive because i can see their beauty, compassion and hope for better in their own lives even when they have mentally locked themselves away in a dark room. it takes a lot for me to give up on a friend and it is only when i feel a lack of partnership between myself and someone as a friend that i have to say goodbye.
as a significant other, i am vastly different. there have always been things that i keep locked away just for the person that fills that spot. it is the emotion, the true hopes and dreams, the working together to get some where... with my ex my dreams were crushed. it is one thing to mutually decide things together, it is yet another to be forced down a path you never wanted. when i was in my early 20s i looked towards my grandparents for inspiration on relationships. i wanted the family, i wanted the kids and the true companionship. i have seen where in the instances my grandfather was weak, my grandmother was strong and vice versa. i have seen the reason that they have been married more than 70 years. ultimately that was what i wanted, i said i wanted kids by a certain age, a house and the finer things to be happy and be productive in society. i met someone that said he wanted the same to, but it was all lies. i know that now, but then i always ALWAYS gave in to him....
i was severely broken after him. my trust was shot, my confidence was shot and i figured i would be alone forever. it was my one shot and i blew it. it was my one chance and somehow i ruined it. looking back i know it ruined me. each time i think maybe this time, i think perhaps this will work and i restructure my approach to something then i get shit on. and it isn't as if this guys was perfect, it wasn't as if he had the key to truly unlock things... but i do think each one is actually helping to build my walls higher than my ex's actions could ever build a fortress around me.
this time i cried... i cried before i went to bed last night, i tossed and turned all night and i woke up with tears running down my face again. and shaking my head, i know it wasn't the single actions of this man or perhaps boy... regardless it wasn't him that put me here right now, it was them. it was the men i dated after my marriage fell apart, it was the boyfriend that gave me everything and but for one little thing we couldn't make it. it was the series of bad dates, lame hook-ups and lack luster people that make me feel like giving up completely.
after my post last night, i feel loved. my best friend's phone call was immediate - he seems to hurt when i hurt and is very over protective. he has seen how i open up and get stomped on... he says "it's the guys i pick" and while i agree i couldn't put all of them in the same category to save my life so i am truthfully not sure what characteristic that i choose that helps me to hurt myself each time. i probably could make a list and with my feminine thinking truly figure out what one trait puts them all in the same category... oh wait i know, it would be their penis's... sorry that is my lame attempt at humor at this point... additionally some minutes later my new fav friend called, she is a breath of fresh warm air, seemingly a younger version of me with all the same passion and confusion for life. we spent the best weekend together and now i know we are true friends. after time talking to both of them, my cheerleaders in the "you're great - he sucks" rally that is my dating life MOST times, i crawled in bed and proceeded to cry myself to sleep.
my emotions got the better part of me last night, as much as this guy apologized and tried to not, in his words "be the asshole", well he was... but he wasn't the first and won't be the last. each time this happens i get more in the mindset that this is the best it is going to be for me. i waited too long to walk away from my last relationship and now i am going to remain this single female, living alone, collecting friends and cats, creating less than relationships with men because when i play the "come get me" female i am wrong just as much as when i play the "i'll get you" female. i seriously don't know what to do, i frustrated, i'm hurt and i don't want to try any more. i am sick of being hurt by the smallest of actions because i stack each failure on top of the last one... and right now my failures are seriously outweighing my accomplishments...
Friday, May 27, 2011
who's says that giving up is necessarily a bad thing
so tuesday was a pretty crappy day. all in all it ended better than it started but only slightly because i hurt someone that i would have never intended to hurt but being the stubborn crazy female that i am, it was destined to end this way. kinda reminds me a little of the Gwen Stephani song "ex boyfriend" which repetitively states "i kinda always knew you'd end up my ex boyfriend" regardless the label on the situation i went from kinda interested to ridiculously infatuated and with that from funny to desperate.... looking back that is totally the way i read things now but hindsight always is 20/20.
it sucks because while i don't need any more 'friends' in my life, i am very happy with the select few that i have and trust... but i projected so much further down the road with this guy that i couldn't have backed up to meet him even if i would have 150% tried.
i guess the situation is this.... a relationship with someone begins at the first step that you take getting to know each other. you meet and begin down a path together, grabbing each other when one falters because the path is set in front of you, regardless how easy it may be to travel. i know that there have been times in my life where i have dropped the person's hand with i am walking with and either stopped or ran ahead. part of the issue is that regardless whether i have stopped or progressed past them, i still dropped their hand in the first place. dropping someone's hand is bad because if you bounded ahead over obstacles you may not find your way back and if you have stopped well the path may have gotten dark.
i feel that the beginning of the relationship is crucial but talking through texts and emails is not the same as talking in person. i can pull details where i know that i was reading them wrong and INTERPRETING the situation instead of understanding it. looking back i see that now but i dropped his hand and ran ahead because i saw these great ideals of what "could be" and not what was actually happening. what sucks is i have done it before and i am sure that i will do it again.
at this point i gave in and gave up. i turned off the emotions a couple times on him, i bounded ahead and then came back but i still forgot to grab his hand, i may have reached out but i didn't grab it and then bounding ahead i realized that i was ahead AGAIN and now i have lost him.
i did two very wrong things in this relationship... i interpreted writings like hieroglyphics and i didn't reaffirm the translations in person. the horrible things is that he is really a great guy and he can't even see it. he asks "why" and makes himself less than he is.... last night i even networked with a friend of his and couldn't stop asking questions even though i know i have now bounded onto another path, back on a singular path per say.
that is when i have come to the conclusion that this one is ok to give up on. my friends are being as they should, telling me that i was ok, that i am awesome, that better will come along but i'm only taking them with a grain of salt. this is not a time that i need to be pumped up or told that i was right when i don't feel right. i think it is because i have grown up to see both sides of this situation. i look back at our first meeting as if he was perfect and i was crushing on a guy in high school. you know the one that i was never going to talk to and all i did was doodle his name in hearts on notebooks and talk to my girl friends about how cute his hair was or what he wore and how great his butt looked. i started swooning thinking about him with my heart thumping and my head filling with silly girl dreams.
i wanted to instantly add him and everything about him to my life even to my own detriment. worse is that because i was so delusional i bordered on desperation because i was willing to give him anything. you want $20 sure, you want me to buy you food sure, you want to take my car sure, you want a kidney sure. part of the problem with how i was raised, i am willing to help out on any level and i don't see it as undercutting someone's pride because it just is what it is, being raised by a bunch of southerners... its the way we work.
but right now while i still want him in my life, i was mean, i was judgmental and i was in the wrong. i can't hope that he will forgive me but i can still wish the best for him and his life because he deserves it. i know i can proceed forward knowing that he has good friends that will take care of him which is all he needs right now, it was not a good time for us regardless the label and as much as it hurts, i have to keep thinking that way. i hope that he will realize his greatness one day, i hope he will realize that many people love him and i hope he finds the best person to put a label on who will be there for him but for my safety, sanity and self, i need to give up on this one and realize in this situation that giving up isn't a bad thing...
it sucks because while i don't need any more 'friends' in my life, i am very happy with the select few that i have and trust... but i projected so much further down the road with this guy that i couldn't have backed up to meet him even if i would have 150% tried.
i guess the situation is this.... a relationship with someone begins at the first step that you take getting to know each other. you meet and begin down a path together, grabbing each other when one falters because the path is set in front of you, regardless how easy it may be to travel. i know that there have been times in my life where i have dropped the person's hand with i am walking with and either stopped or ran ahead. part of the issue is that regardless whether i have stopped or progressed past them, i still dropped their hand in the first place. dropping someone's hand is bad because if you bounded ahead over obstacles you may not find your way back and if you have stopped well the path may have gotten dark.
i feel that the beginning of the relationship is crucial but talking through texts and emails is not the same as talking in person. i can pull details where i know that i was reading them wrong and INTERPRETING the situation instead of understanding it. looking back i see that now but i dropped his hand and ran ahead because i saw these great ideals of what "could be" and not what was actually happening. what sucks is i have done it before and i am sure that i will do it again.
at this point i gave in and gave up. i turned off the emotions a couple times on him, i bounded ahead and then came back but i still forgot to grab his hand, i may have reached out but i didn't grab it and then bounding ahead i realized that i was ahead AGAIN and now i have lost him.
i did two very wrong things in this relationship... i interpreted writings like hieroglyphics and i didn't reaffirm the translations in person. the horrible things is that he is really a great guy and he can't even see it. he asks "why" and makes himself less than he is.... last night i even networked with a friend of his and couldn't stop asking questions even though i know i have now bounded onto another path, back on a singular path per say.
that is when i have come to the conclusion that this one is ok to give up on. my friends are being as they should, telling me that i was ok, that i am awesome, that better will come along but i'm only taking them with a grain of salt. this is not a time that i need to be pumped up or told that i was right when i don't feel right. i think it is because i have grown up to see both sides of this situation. i look back at our first meeting as if he was perfect and i was crushing on a guy in high school. you know the one that i was never going to talk to and all i did was doodle his name in hearts on notebooks and talk to my girl friends about how cute his hair was or what he wore and how great his butt looked. i started swooning thinking about him with my heart thumping and my head filling with silly girl dreams.
i wanted to instantly add him and everything about him to my life even to my own detriment. worse is that because i was so delusional i bordered on desperation because i was willing to give him anything. you want $20 sure, you want me to buy you food sure, you want to take my car sure, you want a kidney sure. part of the problem with how i was raised, i am willing to help out on any level and i don't see it as undercutting someone's pride because it just is what it is, being raised by a bunch of southerners... its the way we work.
but right now while i still want him in my life, i was mean, i was judgmental and i was in the wrong. i can't hope that he will forgive me but i can still wish the best for him and his life because he deserves it. i know i can proceed forward knowing that he has good friends that will take care of him which is all he needs right now, it was not a good time for us regardless the label and as much as it hurts, i have to keep thinking that way. i hope that he will realize his greatness one day, i hope he will realize that many people love him and i hope he finds the best person to put a label on who will be there for him but for my safety, sanity and self, i need to give up on this one and realize in this situation that giving up isn't a bad thing...
Monday, May 23, 2011
is it better just to be single....
i think that i have had just a fucking enough of this game that is played by the "i'm not ready" crowd of men that i have seem to be dating recently. now i will exclude the ones that politely if not all together bluntly warn me of their non-committal attitude or shall we call it nature, but the ones that are "unsure", "not ready" or "thought they were ready for something" better stay the fuck out of my path from now on.
i am absolutely sick of their selfish attitude when it comes to relationships. don't get me wrong, i am guarded and have my walls coming into a new relationship... in the dating phase i ask the questions that i need to have answered so that i can determine if i want to put time into someone. it is not a mutual two way street with me, i have to feel that there is a bond that i can see growing and blossoming into a full relationship. i have to see potential regardless of their personal situation. i have to also have a spark with someone which means they have to make my toes curl. i ask all the tough questions right off the bat, the ones that appease my biological clock, my maternal instinct, the inner shrink, the external child and all the other warped personality traits that make up myself at 34 years of age. i do this because i was hurt and i don't want to get hurt again. i can't recover if i let someone in too far and they hurt me. i would much prefer to give the suitor the real reason that i can't proceed with our relationship and not toy with their emotions but each time i let someone in that gets through the hills of my psychological analysis and into the valley of my real personality, i get SCREWED.
i am so baffled by this last one that i am actually stuck at a crossroads.... we started out fine, talking about mutual wants, mutual problems, lots and lots of mutual’s which allowed me to engage more than i normally do. I mean truthfully i have only told 3 people in my life that i loved them. the first was my very first boyfriend Jack, the second was my ex husband Richard and the third was my last boyfriend Mike. Each man has broken my heart and with the last being just over a year ago and the few losers that i have dated in the meantime i felt that i could let this one in but BOY WAS I WRONG.
this one was worse than the last 3 all together because he has not a fucking clue what he wants. now i know that i can be a chameleon in a relationship because there are certain things that really don't matter to me. i can eat just about anything and just about anywhere so when it comes to grabbing a bite to eat or making dinner, i am pretty easy going, another avenue where i tend to be easy is music, i love it all therefore i will listen to it all... as for which side of the bed, another thing i could give less than a care as long as the covers don't get stolen and perhaps i get a kiss or a cuddle sometime through the night.
on other items i am more steadfast, i feel deprived by my ex husband for not giving me a child and while i don't want one tomorrow, i do feel that i am about 2 feet from a cliff that i am about to fall off of and my biological clock is ticking so loud that it is making the ground under my feet vibrate and stumble closer to the edge. I also have certain things about my personality that at my age are not going to change, i like others for who they are good and bad and i expect the same attitude from others. the reason that my friend Helena and i get along so well, we can give a flying fuck what you think about us, love us or hate us, that is your choice, it will not affect how we live our lives.
but when you answer an ad that i put out giving you expectations of my intentions and we have good conversations, a great date and i end up adoring you immediately by the little things, it is going to grow. like many others when i am totally frustrated i cry and i question others to truthfully try to figure it out. i consider myself a quite bright person but when it comes down to it. i do admit to getting confused sometimes and the critical thinker in me starts to put YOUR actions together the way a detective would try to solve a crime.
so my inner detective that this written in the journal about this crime....
on march 6th suspect sent email through craigslist explaining who he was and why he wanted to reply to my ad
through the next two weeks the suspect and victim exchanged emails, chats, text messages and phone conversations leading to the agreement of a mutual meeting on march 19th
on march 19th the suspect came alone to a group gathering of the victim and her friends where the suspect engaged in conversation and purchased dinner and drinks for the victim in between the occasional romantic situation such as kissing, hand holding and cuddling
the suspect remained at the victims house for the evening and left the morning of the 20th with no romantic relations being recorded
on the 22nd the suspect warned the victim that he was getting ill and to take care of herself
on the 26th the suspect advised the victim that he could not attend her event
through the next 15 days the suspect and victim kept up casual conversation
on april 4th the victim visited the suspects home after an evening out with her girl friends and proceeded to have romantic relations with the suspect and then left the next morning
over the next few days the victim continued to engage the suspect with limited success
on april 10th the victim decided to advise the suspect that he needed to focus on his life and that she would be available to him when he needed it but that she was going to "pull away" for a little while
on april 27th the suspect returned the email to the victim letting her know of the situations in his life and making certain requests which the victim accepted and began conversations again with the suspect
that weekend the suspect and his son came for a visit at the victim's apartment
over the next weekend, conversations became friendlier and the victim requested the presence of the suspect at a work related event which he accepted
a few days (approximately may 4th) prior the suspect requested that the victim come the evening before the event and stay with him at his house knowing what additional responsibilities that the victim had for said party.
the victim spent the weekend with the suspect, again engaging in romantic relations
on may 8th the victim left the suspect's house to return home and the suspect advised her that he (again) was having issues with their arrangement and needed to "slow down" the victim agreed
on may 13th the victim took a friend and went and hung out with the suspect denoting the evening to a "hang out" session, the victim and friend conversed about the evening on the drive home in a positive way
on may 17th the suspect requested time with the victim specifically requesting "spending the night" which was allowed by the victim again romantic relations
on may 19th the victim and her friend engaged in another "hang out" session where the suspect was more than pre-occupied for the evening with his cell phone and a conversation with another party
on may 23rd while talking through text, the suspect advised the victim that he could no longer have romantic relations with the victim because he had "met someone" through a chat session and the victim's heart exploded causing death
really that is how i feel..... i am not sure if i am too trusting or just fucking DUMB. i mean i know that i am gullible, i am sure that i get used by people more than i realize but truthfully i am not a person that just jumps from bed to bed to bed. i want a connection with the person that i am having "relations" with or else i am not gonna do it. literally, i am a woman of the modern age and our society gives females more than enough battery powered goodies to satisfy those urges...
this guy i could really see a future with and i wanted to give him the time he needed to get over the last bad relationship, get into counseling (his want) get himself figured out and us start fresh again, but i am not sure if i am on the point of wanting to break something or i just want to sit in a corner and cry. he wants me to be his friend but how can i sit and watch another girl take the position that i wanted with him. i can't, i think it is torturous even trying and i have never been one to purposely torture myself. i am calling BULLSHIT now a lot, on everything that he said and everything that he did because truthfully if he just wanted sex, why did he do the cute stuff? the stuff that made my friends all think that he was genuine and caring and not full of shit, but obviously he is more screwed up than even i realize. he needs a good rebound that he can fuck over and allow to further fuck with his head and hurt him because he will never truly appreciate a girl that understands him, cares for him and just wants the best for him. therefore right now i think it is just better to remain single and stay away from all men in general. i will have no time for them as soon as the fall comes with my job and with school and with the people that i actually care about that want me in their lives.
i feel that i deserve better than someone that doesn't know what they want. i deserve someone that will protect me as much as i will them and all the mushy love stuff in between. i think this one has hurt me more than he knows and i am sick of crying over men that seem to take pleasure in making others hurt. he has no clue what he did and he has no clue what he just lost. from his words i felt secondary, especially when he stated "nothing has happened yet", now how am i supposed to take that, how am i supposed to support a friend when i want so much more from him than friendship and worse yet my heart is more broken from the fact that his son is so precious but like Skylar (my step son) oh so many years before the entire time with him was just a disappointment. I can’t and I won’t do this again, I need to realize that life isn’t gonna give me what I want, it isn’t because as good of a person as I think I was my karma must be FUCKEd UP and maybe for now it is better to just be single.....
i am absolutely sick of their selfish attitude when it comes to relationships. don't get me wrong, i am guarded and have my walls coming into a new relationship... in the dating phase i ask the questions that i need to have answered so that i can determine if i want to put time into someone. it is not a mutual two way street with me, i have to feel that there is a bond that i can see growing and blossoming into a full relationship. i have to see potential regardless of their personal situation. i have to also have a spark with someone which means they have to make my toes curl. i ask all the tough questions right off the bat, the ones that appease my biological clock, my maternal instinct, the inner shrink, the external child and all the other warped personality traits that make up myself at 34 years of age. i do this because i was hurt and i don't want to get hurt again. i can't recover if i let someone in too far and they hurt me. i would much prefer to give the suitor the real reason that i can't proceed with our relationship and not toy with their emotions but each time i let someone in that gets through the hills of my psychological analysis and into the valley of my real personality, i get SCREWED.
i am so baffled by this last one that i am actually stuck at a crossroads.... we started out fine, talking about mutual wants, mutual problems, lots and lots of mutual’s which allowed me to engage more than i normally do. I mean truthfully i have only told 3 people in my life that i loved them. the first was my very first boyfriend Jack, the second was my ex husband Richard and the third was my last boyfriend Mike. Each man has broken my heart and with the last being just over a year ago and the few losers that i have dated in the meantime i felt that i could let this one in but BOY WAS I WRONG.
this one was worse than the last 3 all together because he has not a fucking clue what he wants. now i know that i can be a chameleon in a relationship because there are certain things that really don't matter to me. i can eat just about anything and just about anywhere so when it comes to grabbing a bite to eat or making dinner, i am pretty easy going, another avenue where i tend to be easy is music, i love it all therefore i will listen to it all... as for which side of the bed, another thing i could give less than a care as long as the covers don't get stolen and perhaps i get a kiss or a cuddle sometime through the night.
on other items i am more steadfast, i feel deprived by my ex husband for not giving me a child and while i don't want one tomorrow, i do feel that i am about 2 feet from a cliff that i am about to fall off of and my biological clock is ticking so loud that it is making the ground under my feet vibrate and stumble closer to the edge. I also have certain things about my personality that at my age are not going to change, i like others for who they are good and bad and i expect the same attitude from others. the reason that my friend Helena and i get along so well, we can give a flying fuck what you think about us, love us or hate us, that is your choice, it will not affect how we live our lives.
but when you answer an ad that i put out giving you expectations of my intentions and we have good conversations, a great date and i end up adoring you immediately by the little things, it is going to grow. like many others when i am totally frustrated i cry and i question others to truthfully try to figure it out. i consider myself a quite bright person but when it comes down to it. i do admit to getting confused sometimes and the critical thinker in me starts to put YOUR actions together the way a detective would try to solve a crime.
so my inner detective that this written in the journal about this crime....
on march 6th suspect sent email through craigslist explaining who he was and why he wanted to reply to my ad
through the next two weeks the suspect and victim exchanged emails, chats, text messages and phone conversations leading to the agreement of a mutual meeting on march 19th
on march 19th the suspect came alone to a group gathering of the victim and her friends where the suspect engaged in conversation and purchased dinner and drinks for the victim in between the occasional romantic situation such as kissing, hand holding and cuddling
the suspect remained at the victims house for the evening and left the morning of the 20th with no romantic relations being recorded
on the 22nd the suspect warned the victim that he was getting ill and to take care of herself
on the 26th the suspect advised the victim that he could not attend her event
through the next 15 days the suspect and victim kept up casual conversation
on april 4th the victim visited the suspects home after an evening out with her girl friends and proceeded to have romantic relations with the suspect and then left the next morning
over the next few days the victim continued to engage the suspect with limited success
on april 10th the victim decided to advise the suspect that he needed to focus on his life and that she would be available to him when he needed it but that she was going to "pull away" for a little while
on april 27th the suspect returned the email to the victim letting her know of the situations in his life and making certain requests which the victim accepted and began conversations again with the suspect
that weekend the suspect and his son came for a visit at the victim's apartment
over the next weekend, conversations became friendlier and the victim requested the presence of the suspect at a work related event which he accepted
a few days (approximately may 4th) prior the suspect requested that the victim come the evening before the event and stay with him at his house knowing what additional responsibilities that the victim had for said party.
the victim spent the weekend with the suspect, again engaging in romantic relations
on may 8th the victim left the suspect's house to return home and the suspect advised her that he (again) was having issues with their arrangement and needed to "slow down" the victim agreed
on may 13th the victim took a friend and went and hung out with the suspect denoting the evening to a "hang out" session, the victim and friend conversed about the evening on the drive home in a positive way
on may 17th the suspect requested time with the victim specifically requesting "spending the night" which was allowed by the victim again romantic relations
on may 19th the victim and her friend engaged in another "hang out" session where the suspect was more than pre-occupied for the evening with his cell phone and a conversation with another party
on may 23rd while talking through text, the suspect advised the victim that he could no longer have romantic relations with the victim because he had "met someone" through a chat session and the victim's heart exploded causing death
really that is how i feel..... i am not sure if i am too trusting or just fucking DUMB. i mean i know that i am gullible, i am sure that i get used by people more than i realize but truthfully i am not a person that just jumps from bed to bed to bed. i want a connection with the person that i am having "relations" with or else i am not gonna do it. literally, i am a woman of the modern age and our society gives females more than enough battery powered goodies to satisfy those urges...
this guy i could really see a future with and i wanted to give him the time he needed to get over the last bad relationship, get into counseling (his want) get himself figured out and us start fresh again, but i am not sure if i am on the point of wanting to break something or i just want to sit in a corner and cry. he wants me to be his friend but how can i sit and watch another girl take the position that i wanted with him. i can't, i think it is torturous even trying and i have never been one to purposely torture myself. i am calling BULLSHIT now a lot, on everything that he said and everything that he did because truthfully if he just wanted sex, why did he do the cute stuff? the stuff that made my friends all think that he was genuine and caring and not full of shit, but obviously he is more screwed up than even i realize. he needs a good rebound that he can fuck over and allow to further fuck with his head and hurt him because he will never truly appreciate a girl that understands him, cares for him and just wants the best for him. therefore right now i think it is just better to remain single and stay away from all men in general. i will have no time for them as soon as the fall comes with my job and with school and with the people that i actually care about that want me in their lives.
i feel that i deserve better than someone that doesn't know what they want. i deserve someone that will protect me as much as i will them and all the mushy love stuff in between. i think this one has hurt me more than he knows and i am sick of crying over men that seem to take pleasure in making others hurt. he has no clue what he did and he has no clue what he just lost. from his words i felt secondary, especially when he stated "nothing has happened yet", now how am i supposed to take that, how am i supposed to support a friend when i want so much more from him than friendship and worse yet my heart is more broken from the fact that his son is so precious but like Skylar (my step son) oh so many years before the entire time with him was just a disappointment. I can’t and I won’t do this again, I need to realize that life isn’t gonna give me what I want, it isn’t because as good of a person as I think I was my karma must be FUCKEd UP and maybe for now it is better to just be single.....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
feeling like cinderella at midnight.... again
why exactly does this continue happening to me? right when i think things are on track, right when i think i met someone that i could see building something with, then the shit hits the fan and i'm stuck holding my single glass slipper, my horses have turn to mice and my carriage is a smashed pumpkin like the ones on the street the day after halloween. i just don't get it...
before i begin my tirade, let me give you a little of a back story. i meet this guy about a month ago online... he wrote an adorable intro about himself and i thought "what the hell, not my norm but he seems cool so let's give it a try". after a great deal of texting and emails in which it was revealed similar past relationships, some mutual likes and definitely the same wants for the future.... seems like something worth moving forward with, right?
so we scheduled a meeting, a date but more of like a meeting since it wasn't just gonna be the two of us. actually truthfully this guy was walking into what i can only describe as a possible 'shit storm'. i warned him that he was meeting some of the most important friends that i have and that there may be a little bit of torture but nothing crippling. the meeting was more of a success than i was expecting but looking back i realize but that was the top of the mountain and the path down was going to be full of potholes and sharp rocks.
after that is was.... well i have no fucking clue what has happened since that evening.. a sickness, too busy at work, conflicting schedule, time off.... fuck i mean it just seemed like one excuse after another. and what's worse is that the glow that i had from the first meeting, the feelings that went with that glow and the prospect of a future with someone that actually understands what i went through from my marriage and what i didn't want to ever go through again with a partner. but the excuses.... when are they real and when are they just too much to believe?
it so sucks because i had the best communication with this guy, the best chemistry actually the only chemistry that i have had with someone in more than a year and while there were definitely some hurdles, like the fact that he lived in another town and the fact that he has an adorable son (which scares the hell out of me)... well they were definitely something that i could deal with. the weird thing was that when we started talking i was the one making the excuses and he was the one with all the perfect answers. now its him making the excuses and me wondering what the hell i did wrong and why we seemed to go from green to red... green to yellow is totally understandable but green to red... ugh!
the whole thing just makes me feel so stupid, and of all things in my life I am fine with feeling dumb every once in a while, that's life but stupid is not something that i have any control over. i felt stupid throughout my marriage. like everything was my fault and no matter how much i tried to get things right, it just wasn't good enough. this is feeling like that all over again and i don't know why i internalize the blame and the guilt to the situation but i can't point the finger at the other person. even when they are pointing their finger at themselves, i still have the instinct of being in the wrong.
i just hate this.... i really like this guy and i think he really likes me but what am i supposed to do. ignore him and try to focus on the things that i need to do? well that ends up worthless when i take a moment and my head goes back to thinking about what is going on with him. keep in minor contact with him hoping for a reply or better yet a conversation full of useless babble because no real subjects are being broached and with that how much am i supposed to believe.... we are all so preconditioned nowadays to not share the truth for a fear of being vulnerable. but what is that vulnerability is what shows our prospective partner where they are needed to be the strength in our lives because no one is invulnerable but right now i feel like throwing my arms up and saying "i give up" because right now i feel like cinderella at midnight... will my prince come back or will i be stuck with a broken pumpkin, a ripped dress and a bunch of mice watching me cry in the ashes?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
frustration in the form of a text
do you ever get a text and think WTF! i mean seriously i think i just figured out the true personality of a new, now lost friend of mine just because of a text. this morning i was woken up by my phone buzzing on the oak stained nightstand. looking over at it completely annoyed but interested in who the text may be from, i grab the cold electronic device and punched in my password. again the machine buzzs in my hand because its not one text but two.
as i read the words once then again because at first i didn't think i was reading them right, i realize that i had just been defriended.... now i know i am not perfect, but defriending someone through a text is just as lame and breaking up with someone by text or canceling on a date via text. consider me old fashioned but i just think that these situations of such high emotion are better left to a phone call... not a text of less than 160 characters or in this case 320....
so i reply back, hoping for a reply but ultimately not expecting it because a person that decides to be so immature as to not call you to explain why they are upset with you and making this request is very wimpy in regards to conflict resolution anyways. whats actually funnier yet is the job that this person is going to is anything but.... oh well que sera sera.
my frustration is just the fact that texting has become the social norm. it is an easier way to communicate with people when you want to get something done quickly and normally easily but a text. like any form of written communication is not interpreted by the writter but the one receiving it. do you know how easy it is to misinterpret something you read. i bet if i was in a room of people and asked right now if you had ever had a text that left you more than a little confused that everyone would raise their hand. hell i have been overly confused many times by a text and have to reread it or request an explaination from the sender.
the question is really is this a justified way to get bad news or really any important news from someone? it seems like if we continue down this path that sooner or later, we will have keypads surgically implanted into our forearms and we will be asking our loves to marry us through text messages. so people i BEG you, BREAK THE CYCLE!
you are not a bad person by making a call and explaining your actions in person to the person. truthfully you would do better with the person that you are trying to break the news to by talking to them over the phone or better yet IN PERSON.... we are all old enough to have had some disappointment and rejection in our life. we have all been hurt, we have all cried whether we admit to it or not... but for god's sake have the BALLS to call someone and explain why you are upset with them and allow them to confirm your suspicisions or tell you their side of the situation. the fact that a text message can do so much means that truthfully you don't want that person as your friend because you aren't willing to get the other side of the story because your mind is already made up. but when it comes to REAL life we all know that their are TWO sides to every story...
as i read the words once then again because at first i didn't think i was reading them right, i realize that i had just been defriended.... now i know i am not perfect, but defriending someone through a text is just as lame and breaking up with someone by text or canceling on a date via text. consider me old fashioned but i just think that these situations of such high emotion are better left to a phone call... not a text of less than 160 characters or in this case 320....
so i reply back, hoping for a reply but ultimately not expecting it because a person that decides to be so immature as to not call you to explain why they are upset with you and making this request is very wimpy in regards to conflict resolution anyways. whats actually funnier yet is the job that this person is going to is anything but.... oh well que sera sera.
my frustration is just the fact that texting has become the social norm. it is an easier way to communicate with people when you want to get something done quickly and normally easily but a text. like any form of written communication is not interpreted by the writter but the one receiving it. do you know how easy it is to misinterpret something you read. i bet if i was in a room of people and asked right now if you had ever had a text that left you more than a little confused that everyone would raise their hand. hell i have been overly confused many times by a text and have to reread it or request an explaination from the sender.
the question is really is this a justified way to get bad news or really any important news from someone? it seems like if we continue down this path that sooner or later, we will have keypads surgically implanted into our forearms and we will be asking our loves to marry us through text messages. so people i BEG you, BREAK THE CYCLE!
you are not a bad person by making a call and explaining your actions in person to the person. truthfully you would do better with the person that you are trying to break the news to by talking to them over the phone or better yet IN PERSON.... we are all old enough to have had some disappointment and rejection in our life. we have all been hurt, we have all cried whether we admit to it or not... but for god's sake have the BALLS to call someone and explain why you are upset with them and allow them to confirm your suspicisions or tell you their side of the situation. the fact that a text message can do so much means that truthfully you don't want that person as your friend because you aren't willing to get the other side of the story because your mind is already made up. but when it comes to REAL life we all know that their are TWO sides to every story...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
a little out loud thinking...
have you ever met someone new in your life and a picture flashed into your head. the kind that no matter how much you close your eyes and shake your head seems to remains. there were many years in my life that i was more numb to meeting new people or even worse getting to know new people but now that i am playing with some new ideals in my life certain things have become more clear and back again are those damn pictures. worse yet when its a feeling that you can't shake but that is a whole nother subject for a whole nother time.
when i met this man i was attracted, i admit... nothing wrong with the admission but by happenstance not something that is ever going to surpass a mild crush on a set of pretty eyes and a great smile... two of my favorite things by the way... after my first real in-person conversation with this man, the picture came up which was actually quiet scary. i mean i know people have walls nowadays, its very easy to put them up. whether from bad experiences resulting in a little (or a lot) of psychological harm... we have all come from trusty worthy babes (aka: babies) to untrusting adults. but this is the first person that i have met with such a fortress in front of him.
you can tell by his comments, the sadness and yet joking tone that combines in his words. the want for something real, the fear that it may be and the removal of himself from the situation before it can begin. oddly enough he speaks a lot about simplier times and the love that didn't last without speaking a word. its all there, the scared little boy in the man behind the beer glass, making short sentences and giving just enough truth mixed with a little more nonsense... he is the man that keeps you guessing. definately keeps you guessing.
the picture that i get when i close my eyes actually worries me greatly. an even now weeks later is still plaguing me when i close my eyes and my heart begins to worry about him. a brink wall with a couple blocks missing where either a hand and arm extends or a couple of sad eyes peer out. my heart gets heavy every time i think about it and what is worse is that i can't seem to get this guy off my mind. i mean i have worried about new friends before, had instantaneous connections with people even though i would never expect it to be.... but this is far different and it is plaguing, to a point making my stomach sick and my gutt... well my gutt is totally baffled.
but i guess it is what it is... i think i am not going to worry about this one tonight. there are others to think about, hell i have myself to think about but then the picture pops into my head and then my hand reaches for the phone and sends a text to him before i can realize what is happening. but then i guess its normal, right? it's normal to worry about those that you can't seem to get off your mind? and i am sorry but when someone says they are fine well... that THAT IS A FUCKING LIE!!! do you know what fine means? DO YOU? Fine is defined by http://www.Dictonary.com as (be warned this is long)
fine
1. of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade: fine wine.
2. choice, excellent, or admirable: a fine painting.
3. consisting of minute particles: fine sand; a fine purée.
4. very thin or slender: fine thread.
5. keen or sharp, as a tool: Is the knife fine enough to carve well?
6. delicate in texture; filmy: fine cotton fabric.
7. delicately fashioned: fine tracery.
8. highly skilled or accomplished: a fine musician.
9. trained to the maximum degree, as an athlete.
10. characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance: a fine lady.
11. polished or refined: fine manners.
12. affectedly ornate or elegant: A style so fine repels the average reader.
13. delicate or subtle: a fine distinction.
14. bright and clear: a fine day; fine skin.
15. healthy; well: In spite of his recent illness, he looks fine.
16. showy or smart; elegant in appearance: a bird of fine plumage.
17. good-looking or handsome: a fine young man.
18. (of a precious metal or its alloy) free from impurities or containing a large amount of pure metal: fine gold; Sterling silver is 92.5 percent fine.
–adverb
19. Informal . in an excellent manner; very well: He did fine on the exams. She sings fine.
20. very small: She writes so fine I can hardly read it.
21. Billiards, Pool . in such a way that the driven ball barely touches the object ball in passing.
22. Nautical . as close as possible to the wind: sailing fine.
–verb (used without object)
23. to become fine or finer, as by refining.
24. to become less, as in size or proportions; reduce; diminish (often fol. by down ): The plumpness fines down with exercise.
–verb (used with object)
25. to make fine or finer, esp. by refining or pulverizing.
26. to reduce the size or proportions of (often used with down or away ): to fine down the heavy features; to fine away superfluous matter in a design.
27. to clarify (wines or spirits) by filtration.
–noun
28. fines,
a. Mining . crushed ore sufficiently fine to pass through a given screen. Compare short def. 29a .
b. Agriculture . the fine bits of corn kernel knocked off during handling of the grain.
—Idiom
29. cut fine, to calculate precisely, esp. without allowing for possible error or accident: To finish in ten minutes is to cut it too fine.
where the hell in any of that does that mean "i am (insert appropriate actual emotion)"... fine is like okay or worse since Aerosmith says fine is fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.... i like that definition so much more. any person ever tells you that they are fine and you leave them be you are a BAD friend.... just because they may not be willing to talk about it at the time still lends that they are not happy or good, they are fine.... BLEACK! i hear that all the time outta friends... "i'm fine" when i know for a fact that they are not... but back on my path of thought.
in person i can ask 'how are you?' and when i receive that response i cock my head to the side like a confused dog until they spill. my true friends know that i don't ask questions unless i really want to know, i ask because i worry, i ask because i care.... sometimes too much but again, another subject for another day. but still this picture plagues me, it black and weighs down my heart and i don't know what to do.
the weird thing is that i hear from this man almost every night. whether i start the conversation with a simple text that doesn't require a response or i am generally worried or all of a sudden he is checking on me. its weird, the cellular phone acting as a modern pen pal sending short 160 character texts back and forth between friends... an addiction of the modern age like starbucks or oxycontin... this silly thing that buzzs on the bar as an icon with a smiley face pops up. most time its a good text and other times the message is simple but the intention of the text is far from.
what am i to do? HELP! am i to continue to worry? tell this person that i have had this image in my head and see if i can help or ignore it and worry about me? i know that whatever i do, odd things may happen. not bad, not good... just odd. like he and i's entire relationship which ODD is a nice word to explain. the plaguing of the sad man behind the brick wall with an outstretched arm... what would you do?
when i met this man i was attracted, i admit... nothing wrong with the admission but by happenstance not something that is ever going to surpass a mild crush on a set of pretty eyes and a great smile... two of my favorite things by the way... after my first real in-person conversation with this man, the picture came up which was actually quiet scary. i mean i know people have walls nowadays, its very easy to put them up. whether from bad experiences resulting in a little (or a lot) of psychological harm... we have all come from trusty worthy babes (aka: babies) to untrusting adults. but this is the first person that i have met with such a fortress in front of him.
you can tell by his comments, the sadness and yet joking tone that combines in his words. the want for something real, the fear that it may be and the removal of himself from the situation before it can begin. oddly enough he speaks a lot about simplier times and the love that didn't last without speaking a word. its all there, the scared little boy in the man behind the beer glass, making short sentences and giving just enough truth mixed with a little more nonsense... he is the man that keeps you guessing. definately keeps you guessing.
the picture that i get when i close my eyes actually worries me greatly. an even now weeks later is still plaguing me when i close my eyes and my heart begins to worry about him. a brink wall with a couple blocks missing where either a hand and arm extends or a couple of sad eyes peer out. my heart gets heavy every time i think about it and what is worse is that i can't seem to get this guy off my mind. i mean i have worried about new friends before, had instantaneous connections with people even though i would never expect it to be.... but this is far different and it is plaguing, to a point making my stomach sick and my gutt... well my gutt is totally baffled.
but i guess it is what it is... i think i am not going to worry about this one tonight. there are others to think about, hell i have myself to think about but then the picture pops into my head and then my hand reaches for the phone and sends a text to him before i can realize what is happening. but then i guess its normal, right? it's normal to worry about those that you can't seem to get off your mind? and i am sorry but when someone says they are fine well... that THAT IS A FUCKING LIE!!! do you know what fine means? DO YOU? Fine is defined by http://www.Dictonary.com as (be warned this is long)
fine
1. of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade: fine wine.
2. choice, excellent, or admirable: a fine painting.
3. consisting of minute particles: fine sand; a fine purée.
4. very thin or slender: fine thread.
5. keen or sharp, as a tool: Is the knife fine enough to carve well?
6. delicate in texture; filmy: fine cotton fabric.
7. delicately fashioned: fine tracery.
8. highly skilled or accomplished: a fine musician.
9. trained to the maximum degree, as an athlete.
10. characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance: a fine lady.
11. polished or refined: fine manners.
12. affectedly ornate or elegant: A style so fine repels the average reader.
13. delicate or subtle: a fine distinction.
14. bright and clear: a fine day; fine skin.
15. healthy; well: In spite of his recent illness, he looks fine.
16. showy or smart; elegant in appearance: a bird of fine plumage.
17. good-looking or handsome: a fine young man.
18. (of a precious metal or its alloy) free from impurities or containing a large amount of pure metal: fine gold; Sterling silver is 92.5 percent fine.
–adverb
19. Informal . in an excellent manner; very well: He did fine on the exams. She sings fine.
20. very small: She writes so fine I can hardly read it.
21. Billiards, Pool . in such a way that the driven ball barely touches the object ball in passing.
22. Nautical . as close as possible to the wind: sailing fine.
–verb (used without object)
23. to become fine or finer, as by refining.
24. to become less, as in size or proportions; reduce; diminish (often fol. by down ): The plumpness fines down with exercise.
–verb (used with object)
25. to make fine or finer, esp. by refining or pulverizing.
26. to reduce the size or proportions of (often used with down or away ): to fine down the heavy features; to fine away superfluous matter in a design.
27. to clarify (wines or spirits) by filtration.
–noun
28. fines,
a. Mining . crushed ore sufficiently fine to pass through a given screen. Compare short def. 29a .
b. Agriculture . the fine bits of corn kernel knocked off during handling of the grain.
—Idiom
29. cut fine, to calculate precisely, esp. without allowing for possible error or accident: To finish in ten minutes is to cut it too fine.
where the hell in any of that does that mean "i am (insert appropriate actual emotion)"... fine is like okay or worse since Aerosmith says fine is fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.... i like that definition so much more. any person ever tells you that they are fine and you leave them be you are a BAD friend.... just because they may not be willing to talk about it at the time still lends that they are not happy or good, they are fine.... BLEACK! i hear that all the time outta friends... "i'm fine" when i know for a fact that they are not... but back on my path of thought.
in person i can ask 'how are you?' and when i receive that response i cock my head to the side like a confused dog until they spill. my true friends know that i don't ask questions unless i really want to know, i ask because i worry, i ask because i care.... sometimes too much but again, another subject for another day. but still this picture plagues me, it black and weighs down my heart and i don't know what to do.
the weird thing is that i hear from this man almost every night. whether i start the conversation with a simple text that doesn't require a response or i am generally worried or all of a sudden he is checking on me. its weird, the cellular phone acting as a modern pen pal sending short 160 character texts back and forth between friends... an addiction of the modern age like starbucks or oxycontin... this silly thing that buzzs on the bar as an icon with a smiley face pops up. most time its a good text and other times the message is simple but the intention of the text is far from.
what am i to do? HELP! am i to continue to worry? tell this person that i have had this image in my head and see if i can help or ignore it and worry about me? i know that whatever i do, odd things may happen. not bad, not good... just odd. like he and i's entire relationship which ODD is a nice word to explain. the plaguing of the sad man behind the brick wall with an outstretched arm... what would you do?
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