a little out loud thinking...

have you ever met someone new in your life and a picture flashed into your head. the kind that no matter how much you close your eyes and shake your head seems to remains. there were many years in my life that i was more numb to meeting new people or even worse getting to know new people but now that i am playing with some new ideals in my life certain things have become more clear and back again are those damn pictures. worse yet when its a feeling that you can't shake but that is a whole nother subject for a whole nother time.

when i met this man i was attracted, i admit... nothing wrong with the admission but by happenstance not something that is ever going to surpass a mild crush on a set of pretty eyes and a great smile... two of my favorite things by the way... after my first real in-person conversation with this man, the picture came up which was actually quiet scary. i mean i know people have walls nowadays, its very easy to put them up. whether from bad experiences resulting in a little (or a lot) of psychological harm... we have all come from trusty worthy babes (aka: babies) to untrusting adults. but this is the first person that i have met with such a fortress in front of him.

you can tell by his comments, the sadness and yet joking tone that combines in his words. the want for something real, the fear that it may be and the removal of himself from the situation before it can begin. oddly enough he speaks a lot about simplier times and the love that didn't last without speaking a word. its all there, the scared little boy in the man behind the beer glass, making short sentences and giving just enough truth mixed with a little more nonsense... he is the man that keeps you guessing. definately keeps you guessing.

the picture that i get when i close my eyes actually worries me greatly. an even now weeks later is still plaguing me when i close my eyes and my heart begins to worry about him. a brink wall with a couple blocks missing where either a hand and arm extends or a couple of sad eyes peer out. my heart gets heavy every time i think about it and what is worse is that i can't seem to get this guy off my mind. i mean i have worried about new friends before, had instantaneous connections with people even though i would never expect it to be.... but this is far different and it is plaguing, to a point making my stomach sick and my gutt... well my gutt is totally baffled.

but i guess it is what it is... i think i am not going to worry about this one tonight. there are others to think about, hell i have myself to think about but then the picture pops into my head and then my hand reaches for the phone and sends a text to him before i can realize what is happening. but then i guess its normal, right? it's normal to worry about those that you can't seem to get off your mind? and i am sorry but when someone says they are fine well... that THAT IS A FUCKING LIE!!! do you know what fine means? DO YOU? Fine is defined by http://www.Dictonary.com as (be warned this is long)

fine
1. of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade: fine wine.
2. choice, excellent, or admirable: a fine painting.
3. consisting of minute particles: fine sand; a fine purée.
4. very thin or slender: fine thread.
5. keen or sharp, as a tool: Is the knife fine enough to carve well?
6. delicate in texture; filmy: fine cotton fabric.
7. delicately fashioned: fine tracery.
8. highly skilled or accomplished: a fine musician.
9. trained to the maximum degree, as an athlete.
10. characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance: a fine lady.
11. polished or refined: fine manners.
12. affectedly ornate or elegant: A style so fine repels the average reader.
13. delicate or subtle: a fine distinction.
14. bright and clear: a fine day; fine skin.
15. healthy; well: In spite of his recent illness, he looks fine.
16. showy or smart; elegant in appearance: a bird of fine plumage.
17. good-looking or handsome: a fine young man.
18. (of a precious metal or its alloy) free from impurities or containing a large amount of pure metal: fine gold; Sterling silver is 92.5 percent fine.
–adverb
19. Informal . in an excellent manner; very well: He did fine on the exams. She sings fine.
20. very small: She writes so fine I can hardly read it.
21. Billiards, Pool . in such a way that the driven ball barely touches the object ball in passing.
22. Nautical . as close as possible to the wind: sailing fine.
–verb (used without object)
23. to become fine or finer, as by refining.
24. to become less, as in size or proportions; reduce; diminish (often fol. by down ): The plumpness fines down with exercise.
–verb (used with object)
25. to make fine or finer, esp. by refining or pulverizing.
26. to reduce the size or proportions of (often used with down  or away ): to fine down the heavy features; to fine away superfluous matter in a design.
27. to clarify (wines or spirits) by filtration.
–noun
28. fines,
a. Mining . crushed ore sufficiently fine to pass through a given screen. Compare short def. 29a .
b. Agriculture . the fine bits of corn kernel knocked off during handling of the grain.
—Idiom
29. cut fine, to calculate precisely, esp. without allowing for possible error or accident: To finish in ten minutes is to cut it too fine.

where the hell in any of that does that mean "i am (insert appropriate actual emotion)"... fine is like okay or worse since Aerosmith says fine is fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.... i like that definition so much more. any person ever tells you that they are fine and you leave them be you are a BAD friend.... just because they may not be willing to talk about it at the time still lends that they are not happy or good, they are fine.... BLEACK! i hear that all the time outta friends... "i'm fine" when i know for a fact that they are not... but back on my path of thought.

in person i can ask 'how are you?' and when i receive that response i cock my head to the side like a confused dog until they spill. my true friends know that i don't ask questions unless i really want to know, i ask because i worry, i ask because i care.... sometimes too much but again, another subject for another day. but still this picture plagues me, it black and weighs down my heart and i don't know what to do.

the weird thing is that i hear from this man almost every night. whether i start the conversation with a simple text that doesn't require a response or i am generally worried or all of a sudden he is checking on me. its weird, the cellular phone acting as a modern pen pal sending short 160 character texts back and forth between friends... an addiction of the modern age like starbucks or oxycontin... this silly thing that buzzs on the bar as an icon with a smiley face pops up. most time its a good text and other times the message is simple but the intention of the text is far from.

what am i to do? HELP! am i to continue to worry? tell this person that i have had this image in my head and see if i can help or ignore it and worry about me? i know that whatever i do, odd things may happen. not bad, not good... just odd. like he and i's entire relationship which ODD is a nice word to explain. the plaguing of the sad man behind the brick wall with an outstretched arm... what would you do?