when i was younger the last thing i would ever think in my entire life is that turning myself back to the feeling of numb or rather the lack of feeling... i have noticed that in my life, when i am happy i vibrate like a rainbow, full of the color spectrum and ready for anything that life is ready to give me. regardless the cash in my pocket, the job that i attend on a daily basis or the people in my life. i can spend the entire day inside the house and still be productive. but when i am numb there is no colors... i don't smile, i don't care and there is nothing that i can take pride in.
i will admit that i wasn't a full rainbow lately, too many things on my mind were clouding my judgment and my day to day interactions. i felt like a scared animal, only taking a step when i knew the ground beneath me wouldn't give and most of the time not moving much at all. as my cats do when they are in a new place, i had my paws underneath my body and my tail wrapped closely in the same manner. i realized yesterday after having all day to think that I am scared, not of one certain thing but of one resounding thing that takes a good 73% of my head right now.
last night i slept, but it wasn't restful. being numb allows no comfort, it is just a place of protection and it allows your brain to try to function on a less emotional and more rational space. but it doesn't mean that anything is truly functioning the way you are supposed to function or worse yet the way you want to function.
i have realized yesterday after going into "numb mode" that after being burnt so many times in my life by people that claim to love me that it is easier and easier to navigate into. if i were to use the gears of a car for my life you have drive, reverse and neutral... numb is simply neutral and when in neutral on a hill you are screwed but luckily right now i am not on a hill... thank f#$%ing god i am not on a hill.
right now i am trying to decide a next move with baited breath and fingers crossed that the person that i love right now will make the first move so that i can decide the second. i know that he has made a move, but the move is just words and until actions follow i don't know where to go. i have always told someone that i care about that while i am bright i want the words and actions communicated in my relationship to be simple so that there is no misunderstanding. if there is no misunderstanding then he can make his move, place his cards on the table and i can decide whether i want to bet or whether i want to throw in my hand.
in this situation i know that this man that i love is the one. i have had dreams since we first met of the potential of our relationship but my gutt said from the get go that paradise is but the destination through a valley of thorns and hardships. i knew coming into this that it wasn't going to be easy but the strength of this wonderful relationship would prosper when it was ready to as long as neither of us gave up when the going got tough. my gutt was on track but this toughness was more than i have ever bared in my life. i have never been scared of someone that i love, not in the matter that he would ever do harm to me but in the fact that i never know the mood that he is going to walk through the door with. i feel like i am always wearing a bullet proof vest and ready to grab the gun and shoot (purely metaphorical people)...if he comes in this way then i have to be A... and if its this way then I have to be B and so on and so forth so I AM CONSTANLY ON EDGE... sometimes the colors of the day reveal themselves early and sometime they reveal themselves late. but i am always on edge waiting for the next pin to drop.
now i know this isn't healthy for me, i know that feeling like a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs is no way to love life... i know, I Know, I KNOW... but its what i chose to do right now. over the last week he has been back east helping his dad with a project. a project that started out paying one thing and then got reduced and then got changed and now my poor man in working at least 12 hour days for what can only end up paying him slave wages. but when you are unemployed with no income, you take what you can get. regardless that i knew this was not going to be a good time for us, i knew that the conversation on sunday was going to happen and i knew that i was about to put myself in numb mode so that i could try and get through it.
after my failures in life which i feel are tending to outweigh my achievements i turn to numb because it is the safest thing for my heart and my soul. i love certain things about my life but right now i can't talk about them. right now i can't even pull a word into my brain and try to think about them. right now the smiles that i will sport are fake and if i put on a movie that i know would make me cry, i don't think anything would happen and so it is time for creation. when i am numb i can create, my mind is most clear for creation whether it is for writing, design or creation. so for now i will deal with numb and i will create and i will feel like i am holding my breath until i can come out of numb, but right now who knows how long that is going to be.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
ears are the speakers to the heart
do you ever hear, and i am sure that you do, that the eyes are the window to the soul... well the other day after having an emotionally explosive conversation with my boyfriend that my ears are the speakers to my heart.
as i got hung up on that day i was the widest range of emotions that a person could be and without going into them i tried to sleep away the disbelief of the conversation. instead i stared at the ceiling in our bedroom and watch the ceiling fan slowly circle. it was mesmerizing but not what i needed. i needed it to be tiring, exhausting and anything that would allow my eyes to close and let the conversation run out my ears and onto the pillow that surrounded them.
after a while i realized that i needed to travel over to the bi-weekly dinner appointment with the grandparents and so a quick shower, a push of the clock radio sleep button and picking out clean clothes to get ready for a nice couple of hours with the people that as far apart in age as we are tend to "get" me. i jumped in the car and as i switched back in forth between my two favorite radio stations i heard only the songs that were directly affecting my mood that evening. which by the way my mood was worthless, as worthless as a penny with a parking meter.
all i caught were the sad songs that pushed me further and further into a funk that i just wanted to try to get out of but more than likely what was going to happen was avoidance. avoidance is easy... or easier... but as i switched back and forth it seemed ever damn song was the bad ones and ever word that my ears focused in on made the tears rush down my face faster than the ones just before. as i drove to the grandparents i realized that my ears always do this. they exemplify my mood through the songs that i hear and i constantly have my radio on.
i realized when i am ready to take a road trip that i pack the songs that make my foot caress and push the gas pedal and when i am not in my head i actually turn off my radio, which is a much rarer moment that when i have the music blaring. thinking about this on the ten minute drive to the grandparents felt like a thousand tiny daggers stabbing me but could i turn off the radio.. nope, nope, nope.
when i finally arrived at the location and unlocked the front door i almost fell on the floor because i wanted away from that damn car's haunting voice as quickly as possible. the grim reaper seemed to follow those lyrics and instead i ran into the house, puddling on the floor the instant the door had been closed behind me. i looked around and realized the house was quiet.. quieter than normal which when you have 90 year old grandparents freaks one out. i picked myself up and checked in the bedroom, no sleeping grandma and then into the garage with no grandpa but with a car.... shit, shit, shit.
totally forgetting that they were at the coast on the night where i needed to talk. i laid on the couch for what seemed like an hour but was literally only a few minutes while tears streamed down my face, i couldn't figure myself out. i thought do i just stay here, he wasn't there but that wasn't what was keeping it away... it was his ghost, his ghost kept me away. and the haunting lyrics that were going to play with my heart the second i got back in the car. what was i going to do, i couldn't hide forever especially at my grandparents house. plus it was sunday and i had to work tomorrow.
finally after more empty feelings flooded my brain filled with some anger and a huge lack of focus i walked back out of the house and trepidatiously walked to greet death sitting in my passenger seat, smoking a cigarette with the window down and his sandaled foot sitting cockily on my dash board. death smiled at me, which pissed me off, but i still got into the car and as i turned on the car and the radio came to life like frankenstein my eyes welled up again with tears.
this is not what i was willing to take right now. this was not what i wanted for my last day off of the weekend and the first weekend where i was fully in our place. or at least that was the reason that i moved for us. instead now i was lost and trying to figure my way and allowing every dumb depressing song to turn my eyes into Niagara falls. the whole day left me trying to figure or refigure everything in my life since the moment i stepped out of the budget moving truck back in 2009. what was i doing back in this damn town trying to find something i was never ever going to find again and what was my next step going to be. ever since having felt like i lost everything to bring death into my car, i feel as if i am lost and the more lost i am the more the radio plays the crappiest songs to keep my heart in that mood. so for now the radio has been turned off in my car and in my office... for now i am closing the speakers to my heart until i am ready to hear the words again... right now my ears are closed to save my heart..
as i got hung up on that day i was the widest range of emotions that a person could be and without going into them i tried to sleep away the disbelief of the conversation. instead i stared at the ceiling in our bedroom and watch the ceiling fan slowly circle. it was mesmerizing but not what i needed. i needed it to be tiring, exhausting and anything that would allow my eyes to close and let the conversation run out my ears and onto the pillow that surrounded them.
after a while i realized that i needed to travel over to the bi-weekly dinner appointment with the grandparents and so a quick shower, a push of the clock radio sleep button and picking out clean clothes to get ready for a nice couple of hours with the people that as far apart in age as we are tend to "get" me. i jumped in the car and as i switched back in forth between my two favorite radio stations i heard only the songs that were directly affecting my mood that evening. which by the way my mood was worthless, as worthless as a penny with a parking meter.
all i caught were the sad songs that pushed me further and further into a funk that i just wanted to try to get out of but more than likely what was going to happen was avoidance. avoidance is easy... or easier... but as i switched back and forth it seemed ever damn song was the bad ones and ever word that my ears focused in on made the tears rush down my face faster than the ones just before. as i drove to the grandparents i realized that my ears always do this. they exemplify my mood through the songs that i hear and i constantly have my radio on.
i realized when i am ready to take a road trip that i pack the songs that make my foot caress and push the gas pedal and when i am not in my head i actually turn off my radio, which is a much rarer moment that when i have the music blaring. thinking about this on the ten minute drive to the grandparents felt like a thousand tiny daggers stabbing me but could i turn off the radio.. nope, nope, nope.
when i finally arrived at the location and unlocked the front door i almost fell on the floor because i wanted away from that damn car's haunting voice as quickly as possible. the grim reaper seemed to follow those lyrics and instead i ran into the house, puddling on the floor the instant the door had been closed behind me. i looked around and realized the house was quiet.. quieter than normal which when you have 90 year old grandparents freaks one out. i picked myself up and checked in the bedroom, no sleeping grandma and then into the garage with no grandpa but with a car.... shit, shit, shit.
totally forgetting that they were at the coast on the night where i needed to talk. i laid on the couch for what seemed like an hour but was literally only a few minutes while tears streamed down my face, i couldn't figure myself out. i thought do i just stay here, he wasn't there but that wasn't what was keeping it away... it was his ghost, his ghost kept me away. and the haunting lyrics that were going to play with my heart the second i got back in the car. what was i going to do, i couldn't hide forever especially at my grandparents house. plus it was sunday and i had to work tomorrow.
finally after more empty feelings flooded my brain filled with some anger and a huge lack of focus i walked back out of the house and trepidatiously walked to greet death sitting in my passenger seat, smoking a cigarette with the window down and his sandaled foot sitting cockily on my dash board. death smiled at me, which pissed me off, but i still got into the car and as i turned on the car and the radio came to life like frankenstein my eyes welled up again with tears.
this is not what i was willing to take right now. this was not what i wanted for my last day off of the weekend and the first weekend where i was fully in our place. or at least that was the reason that i moved for us. instead now i was lost and trying to figure my way and allowing every dumb depressing song to turn my eyes into Niagara falls. the whole day left me trying to figure or refigure everything in my life since the moment i stepped out of the budget moving truck back in 2009. what was i doing back in this damn town trying to find something i was never ever going to find again and what was my next step going to be. ever since having felt like i lost everything to bring death into my car, i feel as if i am lost and the more lost i am the more the radio plays the crappiest songs to keep my heart in that mood. so for now the radio has been turned off in my car and in my office... for now i am closing the speakers to my heart until i am ready to hear the words again... right now my ears are closed to save my heart..
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