why exactly does this continue happening to me? right when i think things are on track, right when i think i met someone that i could see building something with, then the shit hits the fan and i'm stuck holding my single glass slipper, my horses have turn to mice and my carriage is a smashed pumpkin like the ones on the street the day after halloween. i just don't get it...
before i begin my tirade, let me give you a little of a back story. i meet this guy about a month ago online... he wrote an adorable intro about himself and i thought "what the hell, not my norm but he seems cool so let's give it a try". after a great deal of texting and emails in which it was revealed similar past relationships, some mutual likes and definitely the same wants for the future.... seems like something worth moving forward with, right?
so we scheduled a meeting, a date but more of like a meeting since it wasn't just gonna be the two of us. actually truthfully this guy was walking into what i can only describe as a possible 'shit storm'. i warned him that he was meeting some of the most important friends that i have and that there may be a little bit of torture but nothing crippling. the meeting was more of a success than i was expecting but looking back i realize but that was the top of the mountain and the path down was going to be full of potholes and sharp rocks.
after that is was.... well i have no fucking clue what has happened since that evening.. a sickness, too busy at work, conflicting schedule, time off.... fuck i mean it just seemed like one excuse after another. and what's worse is that the glow that i had from the first meeting, the feelings that went with that glow and the prospect of a future with someone that actually understands what i went through from my marriage and what i didn't want to ever go through again with a partner. but the excuses.... when are they real and when are they just too much to believe?
it so sucks because i had the best communication with this guy, the best chemistry actually the only chemistry that i have had with someone in more than a year and while there were definitely some hurdles, like the fact that he lived in another town and the fact that he has an adorable son (which scares the hell out of me)... well they were definitely something that i could deal with. the weird thing was that when we started talking i was the one making the excuses and he was the one with all the perfect answers. now its him making the excuses and me wondering what the hell i did wrong and why we seemed to go from green to red... green to yellow is totally understandable but green to red... ugh!
the whole thing just makes me feel so stupid, and of all things in my life I am fine with feeling dumb every once in a while, that's life but stupid is not something that i have any control over. i felt stupid throughout my marriage. like everything was my fault and no matter how much i tried to get things right, it just wasn't good enough. this is feeling like that all over again and i don't know why i internalize the blame and the guilt to the situation but i can't point the finger at the other person. even when they are pointing their finger at themselves, i still have the instinct of being in the wrong.
i just hate this.... i really like this guy and i think he really likes me but what am i supposed to do. ignore him and try to focus on the things that i need to do? well that ends up worthless when i take a moment and my head goes back to thinking about what is going on with him. keep in minor contact with him hoping for a reply or better yet a conversation full of useless babble because no real subjects are being broached and with that how much am i supposed to believe.... we are all so preconditioned nowadays to not share the truth for a fear of being vulnerable. but what is that vulnerability is what shows our prospective partner where they are needed to be the strength in our lives because no one is invulnerable but right now i feel like throwing my arms up and saying "i give up" because right now i feel like cinderella at midnight... will my prince come back or will i be stuck with a broken pumpkin, a ripped dress and a bunch of mice watching me cry in the ashes?
