when i was twenty-one, my father was taken from my life. it was a time that was really bad and hard to explain to someone that hasnt gone through it. now that a friend, a very close friend that i care deeply for has had the same thing happen in his life, i have decided to write this.
losing a parent in hard. hard at any age. even when you are withdrawn from each other. but the simple matter of the fact is that they are your parent. you are all of them and they are half of you. that is the way that it works. two souls unite to create another and as much as you may hate them through certain stages of your life, you are connected eternally. you will see them in heaven if that is what you believe or they will ever be a cycle of any new life should it be reincarnation.
i remember watching 'greys anatomy' and when the character george loses his father he is outside, basically beside himself. the charater christina comes, stands ont he wall next to him and tell him 'welcome to the club, the dead dads club.' that is the way that it is. losing a father is different from losing a mother. we come from our mothers, we suckle from their breasts and are craddle in their arms. we fall and scrap our knees, they rush to our side ready with bacteen and bandages. fathers are a little withdrawn. we dont bond with them like we do our mothers. but regardless they are our dads.
when i was little, i was daddys little girl. no doub about it. i look through my baby book even to this day and there are lots of moments with my father. great moments, some that i remember and others that i dont. but then when i was eight years old, my father couldnt handle us anymore. he didnt want children and a wife, he didnt want his family. he divorced my mother and moved to sacramento. so far away for a child of eight, both physically and emotionally. i didnt understand it. this man that had said hello to me every night that he came home was no longer going to tuck me in at night. no longer going to kiss me on my forehead and say goodnight. it was heartbreaking to say the least.
when i finally was forced to see my father again. and it was just awkward. forced visits with kids that were withdrawal from their father.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
stop thinking like a such girl
how come we, as women, over think everything. it could be the simplest of situations and yet, we are constantly striving to place more emotions, thoughts and, in the long run, drama into the situation. there are a few of us that think that we have avoided this dilemma, but really we just do it a little less than our friends. somehow thinking that WE dont do it. but when the time comes to make the situation complicated, then we are right in the middle stacking thoughts on thoughts and emotions on emotions. all this does is further cloud the situation and make us frustrated, sick to our stomachs and further removed from the true/real situation.
i placed this blog in the category of 'romance and relationships' just because that is the situation that i am over complicating at this moment. since my ex and i split, i have been back out there. had a couple of disasters, some mild failures, some short moments, some stalkers or freaks and some boys that i wanted to keep.
i am bad, i admit. i go through men like kleenex. it was my mothers mentality. according to her men were adorable and useless. she spouts the same quote to this day but i think a little more like my grandmother in the situation of relationships. however i understand that there are a lot of toads out there and i have no issues kissing lots to find my prince.
its not like i am a slut. i know what i am doing. i know that in the past, i have had a man fall for me and ruin the fun that we were having. mike was one. kevin was another and poor erin, well that boy needs therapy.
the relationship that mike and i had was supposed to be simple. he had previously been engaged and i was supposed to be the rebound. we discussed it, neither of us wanting to get serious because he was still very hurt from the situation. i really liked mike, we had fun together. his roommates loved me, i would come over and cook for all of them. we would go to bars and end up making-out in the corner. we would go dancing and to the movies. i enjoyed having him on my arm and it was simple like that. i took him to meet my parents, which few get to do, but i wasnt worried. i just took him to say 'hey, this is the guy in my life right now and please be happy for me'. my parents loved him. then one night the whole thing fell to shit. absolute shit. it was those words, those three little words that i wasnt ready to hear. he said it and it fucked up our fun. that was it, i was off like a prom dress and out of his life without much thought on my end. finding out months later, that he had fallen for me so severely that his roommates had to take drastic measures. once i found out i felt bad but then what could i do. i was young and worse dumb. mike would have been great, but i just wasnt ready.
looking back, mike was one of the best relationships that i have had. and it is not that i am pining, not anywhere near that. i am just trying to return to the dating mentality that i had with mike. i am trying to find a guy that will be truthful with me, tell me what he wants, what he doesnt and in the short run this makes the whole dating/relationship situation easy. there isnt the thought and emotions that cloud the situation. problem is out of the six guys that i have recently dated, only two have really been honest guys. one of which even i can be honest with, which is mean, but then we dont travel the same track.
the new one is adorable. he just is. his smile makes me smile. his eyes could pierce my soul if i let my walls down. his arms surround me. he is witty and intelligent. he is family oriented, sweet, compassionate and genuine, with the last being the best quality. and that is just from our talks. that is what we did a lot of. i didnt think at first he would be this way. i judged the cover and with the cover being like a players manual to a game all boys play. but his face value, well its different.
as a fashion designer, i judge the cover. i am judged all the time by my cover. it is what society teaches us. the cover is all that matters. dont look at the insides. fuck bret michaels is a prime example and YES i am stuck on all of the rock of loves. the first episode of each is big john looking through the group and removing the fuglies, the fatties and any other undesirables. poor bret, poor poor bret. but i wouldnt have a job in making my covers pretty nor would any of the models if that wasnt what society was all about. but then it all started with louis XIV and those prissy pissy french, but that is for another blog.
when i first meet a guy, i look at the cover. i can tell you within five minutes, if the boy that i am looking at is attractive enough to fuck. i am not talking making love, that comes later and if you dont agree then that is for a totally different blog, totally different. i think all people know and perhaps with this subject my terminology is a little harsh. maybe some of you would prefer the word kiss.
well regardless of the word that you use, you know when you wanna kiss someone. when i find someone that i want to kiss well i get hot, i get flushed, pupils dilate, heart beat increases, skin get dewy. all signs of attraction, all normal signs of attraction, pure instinctual caveman like attraction. yes we are what we are from, regardless we are instinctual creatures. those silly little pheromones that attract us to someone. the eye color or the sweat or whatever attracts you. each of us follow a little bit of both.
well with this one, i am over thinking. i admit it. totally over thinking. i am still fucked up and i am sure that he knows it even though we havent discussed that disaster, the disaster of my last relationship. i am not ready for it. i am sick of airing my dirty laundry and getting those puppy dog eyes from guys. fuck that, its over and proudly i havent shed a tear in weeks. but back to the boy.
i call them all boys until they can prove me wrong. i am just a bitch that way and i wear my crown proudly. why not, i am sure that most new girls get lumped into some boys category too. until we can both prove ourselves to the other. they are all boys because until they can prove themselves, they stay there. boys can turn into men, guys, pigs or dogs... or worse stay boys. i call them pups when they are younger than i. but the boys well that takes a while.
the funny thing is that i havent called this one a pup when i am talking about him. he doesnt seem like a pup even though he is much younger than i. he actually seems like an old soul. much like my brother is and like my great grandmother was. he seems like an old soul and so i am not worried what category he will fall into once i stop thinking so much....
it is still in the back of my mind though. will this boy be the player or be the man? and yet back to the problem with my situation of over-thinking the situation. i dont want to be THAT girl. the freak girl. we know them, shes kind of like a bag lady. her past laid out and organized like the cans in her shopping cart. regardless of what you might think, all of us have been a bag lady. babbling to ourselves about our problems with our cans....
i am trying not to over think the situation. i found myself doing it today. thinking like a girl instead of thinking like me. i just want the truth. tell me what you want from me and then let me look at it, decide if i can handle it and follow it or not and end it. pretty simple in my mind as i realize that as i type this i am shrugging my shoulders.
i like him. i am willing to admit that. it is the combination of his eyes and his genuine quality. a quality i havent seen from a man in a long time. i feel nothing but truth with him, but then in the back of my mind my mother. this time not the kleenex comment, but the play or be played comment. i think my mom was worse. i remember all the dates, more the cars then the actual men. i remember the need for love after my father left us. she found someone better after her first and i guess that is the light that i have. if just i can stop thinking like such a girl.
i placed this blog in the category of 'romance and relationships' just because that is the situation that i am over complicating at this moment. since my ex and i split, i have been back out there. had a couple of disasters, some mild failures, some short moments, some stalkers or freaks and some boys that i wanted to keep.
i am bad, i admit. i go through men like kleenex. it was my mothers mentality. according to her men were adorable and useless. she spouts the same quote to this day but i think a little more like my grandmother in the situation of relationships. however i understand that there are a lot of toads out there and i have no issues kissing lots to find my prince.
its not like i am a slut. i know what i am doing. i know that in the past, i have had a man fall for me and ruin the fun that we were having. mike was one. kevin was another and poor erin, well that boy needs therapy.
the relationship that mike and i had was supposed to be simple. he had previously been engaged and i was supposed to be the rebound. we discussed it, neither of us wanting to get serious because he was still very hurt from the situation. i really liked mike, we had fun together. his roommates loved me, i would come over and cook for all of them. we would go to bars and end up making-out in the corner. we would go dancing and to the movies. i enjoyed having him on my arm and it was simple like that. i took him to meet my parents, which few get to do, but i wasnt worried. i just took him to say 'hey, this is the guy in my life right now and please be happy for me'. my parents loved him. then one night the whole thing fell to shit. absolute shit. it was those words, those three little words that i wasnt ready to hear. he said it and it fucked up our fun. that was it, i was off like a prom dress and out of his life without much thought on my end. finding out months later, that he had fallen for me so severely that his roommates had to take drastic measures. once i found out i felt bad but then what could i do. i was young and worse dumb. mike would have been great, but i just wasnt ready.
looking back, mike was one of the best relationships that i have had. and it is not that i am pining, not anywhere near that. i am just trying to return to the dating mentality that i had with mike. i am trying to find a guy that will be truthful with me, tell me what he wants, what he doesnt and in the short run this makes the whole dating/relationship situation easy. there isnt the thought and emotions that cloud the situation. problem is out of the six guys that i have recently dated, only two have really been honest guys. one of which even i can be honest with, which is mean, but then we dont travel the same track.
the new one is adorable. he just is. his smile makes me smile. his eyes could pierce my soul if i let my walls down. his arms surround me. he is witty and intelligent. he is family oriented, sweet, compassionate and genuine, with the last being the best quality. and that is just from our talks. that is what we did a lot of. i didnt think at first he would be this way. i judged the cover and with the cover being like a players manual to a game all boys play. but his face value, well its different.
as a fashion designer, i judge the cover. i am judged all the time by my cover. it is what society teaches us. the cover is all that matters. dont look at the insides. fuck bret michaels is a prime example and YES i am stuck on all of the rock of loves. the first episode of each is big john looking through the group and removing the fuglies, the fatties and any other undesirables. poor bret, poor poor bret. but i wouldnt have a job in making my covers pretty nor would any of the models if that wasnt what society was all about. but then it all started with louis XIV and those prissy pissy french, but that is for another blog.
when i first meet a guy, i look at the cover. i can tell you within five minutes, if the boy that i am looking at is attractive enough to fuck. i am not talking making love, that comes later and if you dont agree then that is for a totally different blog, totally different. i think all people know and perhaps with this subject my terminology is a little harsh. maybe some of you would prefer the word kiss.
well regardless of the word that you use, you know when you wanna kiss someone. when i find someone that i want to kiss well i get hot, i get flushed, pupils dilate, heart beat increases, skin get dewy. all signs of attraction, all normal signs of attraction, pure instinctual caveman like attraction. yes we are what we are from, regardless we are instinctual creatures. those silly little pheromones that attract us to someone. the eye color or the sweat or whatever attracts you. each of us follow a little bit of both.
well with this one, i am over thinking. i admit it. totally over thinking. i am still fucked up and i am sure that he knows it even though we havent discussed that disaster, the disaster of my last relationship. i am not ready for it. i am sick of airing my dirty laundry and getting those puppy dog eyes from guys. fuck that, its over and proudly i havent shed a tear in weeks. but back to the boy.
i call them all boys until they can prove me wrong. i am just a bitch that way and i wear my crown proudly. why not, i am sure that most new girls get lumped into some boys category too. until we can both prove ourselves to the other. they are all boys because until they can prove themselves, they stay there. boys can turn into men, guys, pigs or dogs... or worse stay boys. i call them pups when they are younger than i. but the boys well that takes a while.
the funny thing is that i havent called this one a pup when i am talking about him. he doesnt seem like a pup even though he is much younger than i. he actually seems like an old soul. much like my brother is and like my great grandmother was. he seems like an old soul and so i am not worried what category he will fall into once i stop thinking so much....
it is still in the back of my mind though. will this boy be the player or be the man? and yet back to the problem with my situation of over-thinking the situation. i dont want to be THAT girl. the freak girl. we know them, shes kind of like a bag lady. her past laid out and organized like the cans in her shopping cart. regardless of what you might think, all of us have been a bag lady. babbling to ourselves about our problems with our cans....
i am trying not to over think the situation. i found myself doing it today. thinking like a girl instead of thinking like me. i just want the truth. tell me what you want from me and then let me look at it, decide if i can handle it and follow it or not and end it. pretty simple in my mind as i realize that as i type this i am shrugging my shoulders.
i like him. i am willing to admit that. it is the combination of his eyes and his genuine quality. a quality i havent seen from a man in a long time. i feel nothing but truth with him, but then in the back of my mind my mother. this time not the kleenex comment, but the play or be played comment. i think my mom was worse. i remember all the dates, more the cars then the actual men. i remember the need for love after my father left us. she found someone better after her first and i guess that is the light that i have. if just i can stop thinking like such a girl.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
it is all so refreshing
i sat in bed last night with my brain so full of thoughts that i thought it was going to burst... i thought i was never going to get to sleep... i thought i was going to be up all night... and the reason was not because i was unhappy or sad but quite the opposite. things have beginning to look up in my life.
no more than a couple of months ago, i slept all day. i couldnt move more than grabbing the remote and turning on the days blather of crap to entertain me and spread noise into this overly empty house. the cats didnt move much either. they lay by my side as if i was in a coma or on my last days of my life. i didnt shower, yeah i know GROSS. i didnt do much of anything. i thought my life was over. the emotions that flooded my head on a daily basis were harsh, very harsh. but those that have gone through what i have gone through will understand and those that have been on the giving end doent deserve the people that they put it through.
that is what i have come to a realization about. i am happy being me. i am happy with my flaws and my attributes. i am happy with the fact that my life is what it is and no one elses. yeah there are things that i could change. yes there are things that could be better. each of us could change, but we wouldnt be us, we wouldnt be true and we wouldnt be happy and so i accept myself. i accept me and i have realized that i love me.
in the last couple of days i have caught myself watching the movie penelope with christina ricci. it is a very interesting movie. it is about accepting yourself on your own terms. it is about looking past the exterior and finding what makes you you, what makes you different and what makes you special.
none of this really happens when we are young. we grow as children, being taught by our parents their rules and societies rules. what to follow, what to do and what not to do. each step perplexed by the process of life and its day to day nuances.
when we hit our teens our bodies begin to change on us, this normally freaks all of us out. girls grow boobs and hips, boys voices change. all of it some how more ackward then the years before, because we arent learning we are just changing. then another set of rules about these new bodies that we have... boys being told to divide and conquer... girls being told to protect ever inch of our forts. each of us deciding when to let the enemy in and at which step to retreat in the battle of first love.
then onto college and back to learning. some of us with a direction in our heads and some of us wanting to live life, smelling each rose. some of us still working on that first love phase or even worse stuck in the previous stage because we still dont feel like ourselves. regardless we are always working in three stages - who we are, who we want and what we want. there are no definite stages of growth like the baby stages, no direction past age eleven to thirteen. at any one moment something that began so great could leave us in the dust dead or worse... on the ground with wounds that will heal but still leave scars.
i had one stage that left me with a huge scar. when i was nineteen i had a good boyfriend, well i thought he was a good boyfriend. what i realized now if that he was a manipulator, he was a mean boy and he was a lair. during this time we had sex, at first approved and then not and at that point i got pregnant. not a pregnancy that i wanted and yet something that has effected me on mothers day even now. i will not tell you what i did, for it is none of your business but the whole thing put me off to men. pushed me off onto a bunch of years where even in a relationship there was not trust for the man on my arm. i did what i wanted and i let each of them go without too much thought. some loved me and some were just for fun... either way each of them were a learning experience.
when i thought i was ready for love i went out gun ho for it. i fell for someone that was not perfect, no where near perfect and not really what i wanted. that is probably why so many years later i blame him for so much. i was so stuck in the ideal of marriage and family, going that next step, etc that i put blinders on myself. i chose someone that hurt me time and time again without even really realizing what it was doing to me. or what in the long run that it did to us.
yes the last couple of months have been hard, but i couldnt be where i am today without them. i couldnt be where i am today without my entire life and all of its ups and downs. all of its great and shitty moments. even with each one being what it is, i regret none of them. i have lived and i have learned. i am stronger from some and much much weaker from others.
the other night i had a party. a little get together that was planned. a little cooking, a little drinking and a lot of laughing. i brought people together that had never met each other and yet the laughter went into the late evening. it was a simple dinner, a simple concept and yet some of the most fun i have had in a long time. even my friend laughed when he told me that he couldnt keep his eyes off me. that i looked more like the person he knew me to be so many years ago and i agreed.
i was happy, it was so simple, i was happy. the road wasnt as long as i thought it was going to be to get back to this place. it didnt take years - it took being unemployed and having enough time to think things out... the hours were long and if i had something else to take up my time, well it probably would have taken years... yeah it definitely would have taken years. but now i am happy.
there have been people over the last couple of months. new friends and old. new love interests and old. each one of them getting a little fresher version of me and i say fresher because i have been stale for so long, like second day old bread. just doing the day to day because i had to not because i wanted to. being told that i needed to do better by making more money, but not really seeing any benefit from any of it. money was never a priority, my priority.
i have looked at each of my friends and taking from them what i needed. i have looked at each of my lovers and taking from them what i needed. i am now happy. i am not determined to find my true life, my next love and develop life into what i want, not what i need. today is simple, i will go and make each thing for me. each moment is mine to fulfill and live to the fullest. each moment is for smiling and laughing. each moment is for life and love. each moment is for me and i will not let one moment pass.
today i will give myself a nice little oasis so that i dont get away from life but i sit in its sunshine. i will sit in its sunshine and drink of its new opportunities. this life is for me and even with its downfalls i will learn, but never regret. now all i have to do is make it though this week and perhaps i will get that kiss, you know who you are.
no more than a couple of months ago, i slept all day. i couldnt move more than grabbing the remote and turning on the days blather of crap to entertain me and spread noise into this overly empty house. the cats didnt move much either. they lay by my side as if i was in a coma or on my last days of my life. i didnt shower, yeah i know GROSS. i didnt do much of anything. i thought my life was over. the emotions that flooded my head on a daily basis were harsh, very harsh. but those that have gone through what i have gone through will understand and those that have been on the giving end doent deserve the people that they put it through.
that is what i have come to a realization about. i am happy being me. i am happy with my flaws and my attributes. i am happy with the fact that my life is what it is and no one elses. yeah there are things that i could change. yes there are things that could be better. each of us could change, but we wouldnt be us, we wouldnt be true and we wouldnt be happy and so i accept myself. i accept me and i have realized that i love me.
in the last couple of days i have caught myself watching the movie penelope with christina ricci. it is a very interesting movie. it is about accepting yourself on your own terms. it is about looking past the exterior and finding what makes you you, what makes you different and what makes you special.
none of this really happens when we are young. we grow as children, being taught by our parents their rules and societies rules. what to follow, what to do and what not to do. each step perplexed by the process of life and its day to day nuances.
when we hit our teens our bodies begin to change on us, this normally freaks all of us out. girls grow boobs and hips, boys voices change. all of it some how more ackward then the years before, because we arent learning we are just changing. then another set of rules about these new bodies that we have... boys being told to divide and conquer... girls being told to protect ever inch of our forts. each of us deciding when to let the enemy in and at which step to retreat in the battle of first love.
then onto college and back to learning. some of us with a direction in our heads and some of us wanting to live life, smelling each rose. some of us still working on that first love phase or even worse stuck in the previous stage because we still dont feel like ourselves. regardless we are always working in three stages - who we are, who we want and what we want. there are no definite stages of growth like the baby stages, no direction past age eleven to thirteen. at any one moment something that began so great could leave us in the dust dead or worse... on the ground with wounds that will heal but still leave scars.
i had one stage that left me with a huge scar. when i was nineteen i had a good boyfriend, well i thought he was a good boyfriend. what i realized now if that he was a manipulator, he was a mean boy and he was a lair. during this time we had sex, at first approved and then not and at that point i got pregnant. not a pregnancy that i wanted and yet something that has effected me on mothers day even now. i will not tell you what i did, for it is none of your business but the whole thing put me off to men. pushed me off onto a bunch of years where even in a relationship there was not trust for the man on my arm. i did what i wanted and i let each of them go without too much thought. some loved me and some were just for fun... either way each of them were a learning experience.
when i thought i was ready for love i went out gun ho for it. i fell for someone that was not perfect, no where near perfect and not really what i wanted. that is probably why so many years later i blame him for so much. i was so stuck in the ideal of marriage and family, going that next step, etc that i put blinders on myself. i chose someone that hurt me time and time again without even really realizing what it was doing to me. or what in the long run that it did to us.
yes the last couple of months have been hard, but i couldnt be where i am today without them. i couldnt be where i am today without my entire life and all of its ups and downs. all of its great and shitty moments. even with each one being what it is, i regret none of them. i have lived and i have learned. i am stronger from some and much much weaker from others.
the other night i had a party. a little get together that was planned. a little cooking, a little drinking and a lot of laughing. i brought people together that had never met each other and yet the laughter went into the late evening. it was a simple dinner, a simple concept and yet some of the most fun i have had in a long time. even my friend laughed when he told me that he couldnt keep his eyes off me. that i looked more like the person he knew me to be so many years ago and i agreed.
i was happy, it was so simple, i was happy. the road wasnt as long as i thought it was going to be to get back to this place. it didnt take years - it took being unemployed and having enough time to think things out... the hours were long and if i had something else to take up my time, well it probably would have taken years... yeah it definitely would have taken years. but now i am happy.
there have been people over the last couple of months. new friends and old. new love interests and old. each one of them getting a little fresher version of me and i say fresher because i have been stale for so long, like second day old bread. just doing the day to day because i had to not because i wanted to. being told that i needed to do better by making more money, but not really seeing any benefit from any of it. money was never a priority, my priority.
i have looked at each of my friends and taking from them what i needed. i have looked at each of my lovers and taking from them what i needed. i am now happy. i am not determined to find my true life, my next love and develop life into what i want, not what i need. today is simple, i will go and make each thing for me. each moment is mine to fulfill and live to the fullest. each moment is for smiling and laughing. each moment is for life and love. each moment is for me and i will not let one moment pass.
today i will give myself a nice little oasis so that i dont get away from life but i sit in its sunshine. i will sit in its sunshine and drink of its new opportunities. this life is for me and even with its downfalls i will learn, but never regret. now all i have to do is make it though this week and perhaps i will get that kiss, you know who you are.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
wrapped in someone else's arms feeling myself scared
the other night i was wrapped in my lovers arms. quietly starring at his ceiling and thinking about the what, when, where, how and why of our first encounters. his breath in my neck, his scent covering every inch of me.
was i trapped? i could have easily moved his arms and escaped the situation. did i want to? did i like where i was at or was i again scared? there have been so many times that i have been in a similar situation and when my car was within walking distance. easy enough to grab the clothes all over the floor and slip out the door away from the whole thing. in the dark night driving the however many miles back to safety. back to my safety. this time i stayed, this time... next time who knows?
talk about complicated... talk about trying to figure things out without getting emotionally involved. like any true Sag, i am one that likes, no loves, no lusts for my freedom. i have been trapped and without the power in my hands, in my control. well we have a situation like a wolf caught in a trap. do i allow the hunter to shoot me between the eyes and take my dead carcass inside to do with as he pleases, eating me or stuffing me and placing me as a trophy on his wall. or do i chew through my arm and get away, damaged but on my own terms. allowed to frolic in the fields another day, week, month, year longer.
it is weird what each of us consider a trap. what each of us decides to do once we are caught in the situation. it is different for each of us. some of us fully accepting capture and willing to lay tame at a master's feet. some of us chewing through limbs so that we can live to play another day. and why of all the things that i equate the situation, i liken it to a trapped animal. for me, it must just be that intense.
i am a free spirit like a wolf, coming around people just enough to snarl and then lick my wounds heading off again into the woods. perhaps i come back to visit others because i am so severely wounded that i need the help of a kind soul to patch me back up. perhaps i was trapped for too long in something that i had no control over. there are so many unanswered questions and that is for another day, another blog. right? RIGHT!!
in any relationship there is the intense and the less than intense. i am definitely intense, you ask me anything and i will tell you. there are no bars to my brain, i just can't help it. i don't want them there, i have never wanted them there. but then there are others that just shake their head at me and want me to act a particular way, be a particular person and follow their rules. well f*ck their rules, i make my own!!!
it is my opinion that each one of us has broken a mold, broken out of something that has weakened us enough that we are allowed to again build ourselves strong again. however you do it, whether alone or shrouded in helpful words from friends, it is all the same, it is a strengthening. some of us get a little too strong for those around us and then it is time to move on and bring others into our life that match our strength allowing us to move ever forward. moving backwards has always been foreign to me, i may be off on a path to either side of me but never backwards.
i have priorities, i have wants, my dreams are my dreams and i work a little each day to hope at their accomplishment ever being bombarded by new thoughts and ideas. needing help from good girlfriends like ms. c, you know who you are love.
today is a different day as i lie in his arms. he came into my life in an odd way. his personality and zest for life seeming to be a drug that i cant get a fix on. not sure what the next step is and praying that i dont step on my own toes or worse his. i listen to his breath, i think. i ponder the next move, what should i do? i am totally questioning more things than i usually do, getting in my own way and not wanting to slow down.
this ride is different, it has been a long time since i felt like i was on space mountain in a relationship. ready for the ride, the rush the thrill the intensity but then also not knowing where the turns in the track are and if i am ready for a ride like that. i am in line, that is for sure, my foot tapping at the wait time. unsure if i go back to the ride that i have been on, the one that the track has lite and i know the outcome.
one is simple and one is complex. one is in light and one is in darkness.
i think i am sick of what i can see. i think i need to allow each foot to be steady and walk in front of the other in this new darkness, feeling for a moment then placing with a firm leg onto the surface. i think for once i don't need to know which way the track is going to turn. even though i am scared... i am.
i admit that i am scared, i admit that this is very very very unknown for me. i admit that the adrenaline is addicting, more addicting that anything or anyone has been in a long time. perhaps its because this ride is different, its not space mountain at all. it is a totally new ride, it may have been space mountain years ago but after some major construction is a better version with faster turns and better effects. this ride is different but i am still expecting the old space mountain.
the line moves forward and now it is the next day. the day that i awake, pack myself up, a little worse for the wear, but still alive, still ready. i put on my shoes and walk to my car as we say goodbye. the feeling that i have is weird just weird. i get in my car and my legs give out on me. totally, they are useless. i feel like a cripple, totally out of control. yesterday i was in control and then i lost it. i know why i lost it, i should have said no. i should have been the smart one and known my limits. i wasnt and i failed, feeling stupid and then the night starring at the ceiling.
the whole thing is too much, i think..... yes/no..... too much?!? i cant get the adrenaline out of my system. he gave me too much and now it courses. with every beat of my heart my body feels more alive not less. maybe i am sick. maybe i am a junkie. maybe i just need to stop cold turkey and let him make the next move. very rarely can i wait that long, very rarely can i give that control up. i contact him on my terms and with my wit being totally explained to myself in my own mind......
nope, still confused, still perplexed, still weirded out by the entire evening. the entire situation and my lack of control. i admit i wanted to jump him the second i saw him. i wanted to run my hands all over his skin and have him say dirty things to me, but control darling girl. control is the name of the game but never my game. no one has ever taught me any damn rules. so there is a game with me but dont think that it is ever the same. i protect myself by being ridiculous, being flirty and sexual, then trying to use a little psychology to my advantage......
the problem is with this one, he is smarter than i. way smarter than i, and i definitely admit that, actually proudly admit that and therefore the problem with my new addiction. in a short amount of time i have become completely addicted to him, totally and utterly, wanting way more than i can say… it is the toe thing again. i wont let someone else have that type of control again.... never....
plus there is the situation of my life still being a little bit in disarray. a little bit still stuck in my past - pissed at my last life, pissed at the f*cked up situation that it has currently left me in. no money, no love, feeling horrible… but thankfully nowhere near suicide, not even thinking about that horrible subject again. it surprised me that i even allowed it to grace my thoughts in that total moment of weakness and thankful that i had a good friend like alicia to talk me back from the edge of that cliff. i have blogged about it before and perhaps i will truly put into the words the event of that day that lead me to the edge of my metaphorical cliff and almost pushed me over.
this situation is different. there is a light in my heart that i haven’t felt in months and it is not the light of love for another, it is a glimmer than my heart is actually there again. that instead of the vacation that it had taken away from my body and far far way from my mind, there it sits. proudly back in my chest where it belongs beating again, listening to tunes or watching movies and smiling. it is…it is smiling again, wow what a shock. i thought it would take longer, i thought it would never truly come back, i thought it had taken the last life vest and dingy and completely abandoned ship. which oddly i was okay with, i wasn’t sure if i ever truly wanted it to beat again.....
over the months i have filled my life with new people, each of them teaching me something, teaching or telling me that i am so worth what i want from life. the last one didn’t say anything like that, but my heart noticed none the less and returned to its position. yet one more person that has helped me realize that there is so much more to life than the boring day to day life itself. so much more to everything and everyone than we might have remembered or placed on their shoulders....
my knees were weak all day, my heart beat still strong and last night, some days later, i awoke. it was as if from a coma, a coma i had placed myself in and wasn’t ready to yet remove myself from until last night. until last night i was dead inside and when i awoke it was as if he was by my bedside. neither of us knowing exactly why but him being there non the less.
i, still scared, unsure of my footing and not sure what tomorrow will bring. what i have realized is that i do look forward to tomorrow, i look forward to what is supposed to grace my life, what success, what people and what love will knock on my door and allow my heart to truly skip, hop and dance around my chest....
i have had two loves in my life, i have had two that have broken me up and made me cry but i am still willing to try, i still want to live and love and grow and be taught and learn and make mistakes. i will never be too old to make mistakes, perhaps this is a mistake, but it will never be a regret.
i cant tell you where to go because with this journey i am unsure myself but it is time to take off my shoes and wade into the water in front of me. perhaps i will be grabbed by a more steady hand to walk along side for awhile and perhaps i will fall in the ocean again, regardless the journey will be good, it will be fun and i am looking forward to it. that is as long as i can get out of my own way long enough to enjoy it. all i can hope is that i try that, i try getting out of my own way, trusting someone else for a moment, letting loose and living for once without worry but still scared....
was i trapped? i could have easily moved his arms and escaped the situation. did i want to? did i like where i was at or was i again scared? there have been so many times that i have been in a similar situation and when my car was within walking distance. easy enough to grab the clothes all over the floor and slip out the door away from the whole thing. in the dark night driving the however many miles back to safety. back to my safety. this time i stayed, this time... next time who knows?
talk about complicated... talk about trying to figure things out without getting emotionally involved. like any true Sag, i am one that likes, no loves, no lusts for my freedom. i have been trapped and without the power in my hands, in my control. well we have a situation like a wolf caught in a trap. do i allow the hunter to shoot me between the eyes and take my dead carcass inside to do with as he pleases, eating me or stuffing me and placing me as a trophy on his wall. or do i chew through my arm and get away, damaged but on my own terms. allowed to frolic in the fields another day, week, month, year longer.
it is weird what each of us consider a trap. what each of us decides to do once we are caught in the situation. it is different for each of us. some of us fully accepting capture and willing to lay tame at a master's feet. some of us chewing through limbs so that we can live to play another day. and why of all the things that i equate the situation, i liken it to a trapped animal. for me, it must just be that intense.
i am a free spirit like a wolf, coming around people just enough to snarl and then lick my wounds heading off again into the woods. perhaps i come back to visit others because i am so severely wounded that i need the help of a kind soul to patch me back up. perhaps i was trapped for too long in something that i had no control over. there are so many unanswered questions and that is for another day, another blog. right? RIGHT!!
in any relationship there is the intense and the less than intense. i am definitely intense, you ask me anything and i will tell you. there are no bars to my brain, i just can't help it. i don't want them there, i have never wanted them there. but then there are others that just shake their head at me and want me to act a particular way, be a particular person and follow their rules. well f*ck their rules, i make my own!!!
it is my opinion that each one of us has broken a mold, broken out of something that has weakened us enough that we are allowed to again build ourselves strong again. however you do it, whether alone or shrouded in helpful words from friends, it is all the same, it is a strengthening. some of us get a little too strong for those around us and then it is time to move on and bring others into our life that match our strength allowing us to move ever forward. moving backwards has always been foreign to me, i may be off on a path to either side of me but never backwards.
i have priorities, i have wants, my dreams are my dreams and i work a little each day to hope at their accomplishment ever being bombarded by new thoughts and ideas. needing help from good girlfriends like ms. c, you know who you are love.
today is a different day as i lie in his arms. he came into my life in an odd way. his personality and zest for life seeming to be a drug that i cant get a fix on. not sure what the next step is and praying that i dont step on my own toes or worse his. i listen to his breath, i think. i ponder the next move, what should i do? i am totally questioning more things than i usually do, getting in my own way and not wanting to slow down.
this ride is different, it has been a long time since i felt like i was on space mountain in a relationship. ready for the ride, the rush the thrill the intensity but then also not knowing where the turns in the track are and if i am ready for a ride like that. i am in line, that is for sure, my foot tapping at the wait time. unsure if i go back to the ride that i have been on, the one that the track has lite and i know the outcome.
one is simple and one is complex. one is in light and one is in darkness.
i think i am sick of what i can see. i think i need to allow each foot to be steady and walk in front of the other in this new darkness, feeling for a moment then placing with a firm leg onto the surface. i think for once i don't need to know which way the track is going to turn. even though i am scared... i am.
i admit that i am scared, i admit that this is very very very unknown for me. i admit that the adrenaline is addicting, more addicting that anything or anyone has been in a long time. perhaps its because this ride is different, its not space mountain at all. it is a totally new ride, it may have been space mountain years ago but after some major construction is a better version with faster turns and better effects. this ride is different but i am still expecting the old space mountain.
the line moves forward and now it is the next day. the day that i awake, pack myself up, a little worse for the wear, but still alive, still ready. i put on my shoes and walk to my car as we say goodbye. the feeling that i have is weird just weird. i get in my car and my legs give out on me. totally, they are useless. i feel like a cripple, totally out of control. yesterday i was in control and then i lost it. i know why i lost it, i should have said no. i should have been the smart one and known my limits. i wasnt and i failed, feeling stupid and then the night starring at the ceiling.
the whole thing is too much, i think..... yes/no..... too much?!? i cant get the adrenaline out of my system. he gave me too much and now it courses. with every beat of my heart my body feels more alive not less. maybe i am sick. maybe i am a junkie. maybe i just need to stop cold turkey and let him make the next move. very rarely can i wait that long, very rarely can i give that control up. i contact him on my terms and with my wit being totally explained to myself in my own mind......
nope, still confused, still perplexed, still weirded out by the entire evening. the entire situation and my lack of control. i admit i wanted to jump him the second i saw him. i wanted to run my hands all over his skin and have him say dirty things to me, but control darling girl. control is the name of the game but never my game. no one has ever taught me any damn rules. so there is a game with me but dont think that it is ever the same. i protect myself by being ridiculous, being flirty and sexual, then trying to use a little psychology to my advantage......
the problem is with this one, he is smarter than i. way smarter than i, and i definitely admit that, actually proudly admit that and therefore the problem with my new addiction. in a short amount of time i have become completely addicted to him, totally and utterly, wanting way more than i can say… it is the toe thing again. i wont let someone else have that type of control again.... never....
plus there is the situation of my life still being a little bit in disarray. a little bit still stuck in my past - pissed at my last life, pissed at the f*cked up situation that it has currently left me in. no money, no love, feeling horrible… but thankfully nowhere near suicide, not even thinking about that horrible subject again. it surprised me that i even allowed it to grace my thoughts in that total moment of weakness and thankful that i had a good friend like alicia to talk me back from the edge of that cliff. i have blogged about it before and perhaps i will truly put into the words the event of that day that lead me to the edge of my metaphorical cliff and almost pushed me over.
this situation is different. there is a light in my heart that i haven’t felt in months and it is not the light of love for another, it is a glimmer than my heart is actually there again. that instead of the vacation that it had taken away from my body and far far way from my mind, there it sits. proudly back in my chest where it belongs beating again, listening to tunes or watching movies and smiling. it is…it is smiling again, wow what a shock. i thought it would take longer, i thought it would never truly come back, i thought it had taken the last life vest and dingy and completely abandoned ship. which oddly i was okay with, i wasn’t sure if i ever truly wanted it to beat again.....
over the months i have filled my life with new people, each of them teaching me something, teaching or telling me that i am so worth what i want from life. the last one didn’t say anything like that, but my heart noticed none the less and returned to its position. yet one more person that has helped me realize that there is so much more to life than the boring day to day life itself. so much more to everything and everyone than we might have remembered or placed on their shoulders....
my knees were weak all day, my heart beat still strong and last night, some days later, i awoke. it was as if from a coma, a coma i had placed myself in and wasn’t ready to yet remove myself from until last night. until last night i was dead inside and when i awoke it was as if he was by my bedside. neither of us knowing exactly why but him being there non the less.
i, still scared, unsure of my footing and not sure what tomorrow will bring. what i have realized is that i do look forward to tomorrow, i look forward to what is supposed to grace my life, what success, what people and what love will knock on my door and allow my heart to truly skip, hop and dance around my chest....
i have had two loves in my life, i have had two that have broken me up and made me cry but i am still willing to try, i still want to live and love and grow and be taught and learn and make mistakes. i will never be too old to make mistakes, perhaps this is a mistake, but it will never be a regret.
i cant tell you where to go because with this journey i am unsure myself but it is time to take off my shoes and wade into the water in front of me. perhaps i will be grabbed by a more steady hand to walk along side for awhile and perhaps i will fall in the ocean again, regardless the journey will be good, it will be fun and i am looking forward to it. that is as long as i can get out of my own way long enough to enjoy it. all i can hope is that i try that, i try getting out of my own way, trusting someone else for a moment, letting loose and living for once without worry but still scared....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
take your own stock - thinking about your life and your successes
so this morning i was laying in bed and my head just started to fizzle. i have heard recently from so many of my friends that they are 'not happy'. they sit and review their life and they realize that so-in-so is in a better place than they are and that makes them sad, depressed, complacent, etc.
why do each of us, not matter how wonderful we have it, have to think that we have failed, that we arent good enough etc. it is because most of us were taught the old saying of ' the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'. we continue to look at what other people have and say 'i want'. instead of taking two second to realize or think that the people that are looking at our grass thinking its greener too.
why are we all so unhappy. fashion magazines makes perfectly beautiful women think that they are fat, unstylish and therefore unattractive. sports magazines sit there and tell me the same things in other ways - ie your muscles are too small therefore you are imperfect too. it is all improper bloody poppycock.
take stock of your own stock. recognize and confront your own goals. are you were you want to be? are you in a place that you need a little more a little less of whatever you may have, need or want.
what all of us need to realize is that each of us are responsible for our own destiny. those of you with spouses, children, etc. may have it a little harder to bring all of these thoughts together, but truly you will be the one in charge of you.
i had some hard decisions to make at the end of last year. i will give you each a little tidbit into my world. as i felt at the time that it had all come crashing down. the person that i loved was distant, my job was removed from under my ass, i was in a new place with no real friends and was at the lowest i have been ever. and for those that have known me since my teens, it was lower then the incident when i was 19, much much lower. i was at a point where i didn't think my stock was worth more than about a penny and that may have been pushing it.
well it took some really good friends to pull me out of my funk and turn my head from a clouded sobbing mess to a bright and cheery spirit again. take stock, give it a little while. buy a journal, sit with your family and discuss how they see your life.
everyone goes through depression, we all have our ups and downs. if you think about it, people have moods like the economy. when we are up, our stock is high, we are happy and easy going and loving life. even when something bad happens it isnt like water on a ducks back, shimmering and sliding down the feathers and back into the lake where it belongs. when we are down, we could have the best things that life can offer, but still there is the weight of our world on our shoulders and dark rain clouds getting our legs all wet with raindrops or worse creating puddles to deep to wade through.
take stock people. look at your own life. know that there is someone looking at your grass and being just as jealous of your fence, house and trees as you are of theirs. everything is relative. everyone is relative and this too shall pass.
i have a friend, we will call him d. the man just finished a divorce and closed a chapter on his life. his past love of more than a third of his life is over. yes it is a sad process to remove someone of that long from your life, but i look at his grass with jealous eyes of envy. he is employed, he has two beautiful children and he is healthy. d has himself in the way of his happiness as we all do. my friend j is much the same, she thinks her kids are the worst but when i look at hers they are more under control, happy and self-satisfied than a lot of other children that i know. i too take a look at her yard and am very envious, beautiful children, career, husband, home.
each of us must take stock of our own wants and dreams. do we have a plan for our life, are we following it, does it seem down to earth enough to make a reality... sometimes taking a moment away will help us all. take a picnic, buy a journal, take up a new hobby. what do you want to do? what will make you happy? believe me, there is so much to be praising for in your life. there is so much time to move forward and change. there is so much that we all need to take a break, remove our shoes, feel the grass under our feet and the sunshine on our faces. whether you are at the beach or in your own yard.... i dare you.
i dare you to take a few seconds and realize that what you have is not all that bad and if you heard enough from other people, you would realize that others are proud of you, what you have accomplished and where you are in your life. i dare you all to take stock, remove the negativeness from your thought and realize that life has not given baskets full of lemons, but beautifully planted tress that are full of blooms. and just because the buds may be small during certain times in your life does not remove them from the trees, just from your line of sight.
blessings to all, you have more than you realize, take time to take stock. you will be surprised what you truly are blessed with.....
why do each of us, not matter how wonderful we have it, have to think that we have failed, that we arent good enough etc. it is because most of us were taught the old saying of ' the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'. we continue to look at what other people have and say 'i want'. instead of taking two second to realize or think that the people that are looking at our grass thinking its greener too.
why are we all so unhappy. fashion magazines makes perfectly beautiful women think that they are fat, unstylish and therefore unattractive. sports magazines sit there and tell me the same things in other ways - ie your muscles are too small therefore you are imperfect too. it is all improper bloody poppycock.
take stock of your own stock. recognize and confront your own goals. are you were you want to be? are you in a place that you need a little more a little less of whatever you may have, need or want.
what all of us need to realize is that each of us are responsible for our own destiny. those of you with spouses, children, etc. may have it a little harder to bring all of these thoughts together, but truly you will be the one in charge of you.
i had some hard decisions to make at the end of last year. i will give you each a little tidbit into my world. as i felt at the time that it had all come crashing down. the person that i loved was distant, my job was removed from under my ass, i was in a new place with no real friends and was at the lowest i have been ever. and for those that have known me since my teens, it was lower then the incident when i was 19, much much lower. i was at a point where i didn't think my stock was worth more than about a penny and that may have been pushing it.
well it took some really good friends to pull me out of my funk and turn my head from a clouded sobbing mess to a bright and cheery spirit again. take stock, give it a little while. buy a journal, sit with your family and discuss how they see your life.
everyone goes through depression, we all have our ups and downs. if you think about it, people have moods like the economy. when we are up, our stock is high, we are happy and easy going and loving life. even when something bad happens it isnt like water on a ducks back, shimmering and sliding down the feathers and back into the lake where it belongs. when we are down, we could have the best things that life can offer, but still there is the weight of our world on our shoulders and dark rain clouds getting our legs all wet with raindrops or worse creating puddles to deep to wade through.
take stock people. look at your own life. know that there is someone looking at your grass and being just as jealous of your fence, house and trees as you are of theirs. everything is relative. everyone is relative and this too shall pass.
i have a friend, we will call him d. the man just finished a divorce and closed a chapter on his life. his past love of more than a third of his life is over. yes it is a sad process to remove someone of that long from your life, but i look at his grass with jealous eyes of envy. he is employed, he has two beautiful children and he is healthy. d has himself in the way of his happiness as we all do. my friend j is much the same, she thinks her kids are the worst but when i look at hers they are more under control, happy and self-satisfied than a lot of other children that i know. i too take a look at her yard and am very envious, beautiful children, career, husband, home.
each of us must take stock of our own wants and dreams. do we have a plan for our life, are we following it, does it seem down to earth enough to make a reality... sometimes taking a moment away will help us all. take a picnic, buy a journal, take up a new hobby. what do you want to do? what will make you happy? believe me, there is so much to be praising for in your life. there is so much time to move forward and change. there is so much that we all need to take a break, remove our shoes, feel the grass under our feet and the sunshine on our faces. whether you are at the beach or in your own yard.... i dare you.
i dare you to take a few seconds and realize that what you have is not all that bad and if you heard enough from other people, you would realize that others are proud of you, what you have accomplished and where you are in your life. i dare you all to take stock, remove the negativeness from your thought and realize that life has not given baskets full of lemons, but beautifully planted tress that are full of blooms. and just because the buds may be small during certain times in your life does not remove them from the trees, just from your line of sight.
blessings to all, you have more than you realize, take time to take stock. you will be surprised what you truly are blessed with.....
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
sitting in the middle of myself
so right now i am sitting in the middle of myself. do you have one of those days. those are the days were you feel as if you arent a true part of yourself. as if your body and its limbs are doing their own thing and you are just the commander of a ship that has no known direction. well that is where is i am today. thank goodness for friends, ones that get you out of the house and to a movie.
i have direction in my life. i have wants and i have redefined dreams, but then things are still technically in the air. i hate technicalities, all they do is put the indian and the rainbow in my brain each and every time. problem is that i dont have the guide to know when the channel is planning on coming back on.
i have these great people in my life. some that seemed to come out of thin air and are complicating a plan, others that manifested the same way but seem to, well it seems like they are supposed to be here, in my life, right at this moment, right now. in march of this year, but beware the ides of march, literally right around the corner.
i am a weirdo, no better way to explain me. a little girl playing dress up, stealing mommys make-up and high heeled shoes, mixed with a vixen and formerly reformed bad girl that still knows how to give a boy the eye that makes him the only one in the room. problem is that really when youre the only one in my room you ARE THE ONLY ONE. simple and complex, well that is definately the typical girl. overcomplicating the simple man and ladies - they are simple.
men are simple, people play games and when we were younger it was fun to get down the path first, stepping over all others and moving faster and with more money to the end. the problem is that life isnt like the game of life, it is more like monopoly. you go around and around, losing money gaining property, gaining money losing property until you get so tired that you give up. simple right, nope nope NOPE complicated.
having someone sit across from you as a mirror is interesting, humiliating, daunting and exciting. i actually like seeing myself through someone elses eyes, especially when they are like me. tony and i are alike, actually scarily so. tony and i are both Sags, he pronounces sages, just to get my goat, i think, as well as we are libra decedents. we get along so well that it is scary and he is probably one of my best friends because we can truly call each other on things. so tony what do you see? i love tony because like i, he loves truth, hates bullshit and is ready to move forward. he is very much like the older brother that i never wanted, but got at a perfect time in my life. he knows more than anyone else and it is because i trust him and know he actually cares about me.
what do i do now? where do i go? what is the next step? i wants jacks compass... but then it wouldnt be working, another gizmo to complicate the machine and send it down the right, no wrong, no some path. well we will see. i have a perplexion, that will be his nickname for now. this perplexion is intriguing and we will see what happens. i like having a clue but right now there is no clue, no breadcrumbs and arms length....
i give up for today, i will go to the movies tonight, pack for my weekend and take a bath, perhaps things will be clearer tomorrow...... perhaps?
i have direction in my life. i have wants and i have redefined dreams, but then things are still technically in the air. i hate technicalities, all they do is put the indian and the rainbow in my brain each and every time. problem is that i dont have the guide to know when the channel is planning on coming back on.
i have these great people in my life. some that seemed to come out of thin air and are complicating a plan, others that manifested the same way but seem to, well it seems like they are supposed to be here, in my life, right at this moment, right now. in march of this year, but beware the ides of march, literally right around the corner.
i am a weirdo, no better way to explain me. a little girl playing dress up, stealing mommys make-up and high heeled shoes, mixed with a vixen and formerly reformed bad girl that still knows how to give a boy the eye that makes him the only one in the room. problem is that really when youre the only one in my room you ARE THE ONLY ONE. simple and complex, well that is definately the typical girl. overcomplicating the simple man and ladies - they are simple.
men are simple, people play games and when we were younger it was fun to get down the path first, stepping over all others and moving faster and with more money to the end. the problem is that life isnt like the game of life, it is more like monopoly. you go around and around, losing money gaining property, gaining money losing property until you get so tired that you give up. simple right, nope nope NOPE complicated.
having someone sit across from you as a mirror is interesting, humiliating, daunting and exciting. i actually like seeing myself through someone elses eyes, especially when they are like me. tony and i are alike, actually scarily so. tony and i are both Sags, he pronounces sages, just to get my goat, i think, as well as we are libra decedents. we get along so well that it is scary and he is probably one of my best friends because we can truly call each other on things. so tony what do you see? i love tony because like i, he loves truth, hates bullshit and is ready to move forward. he is very much like the older brother that i never wanted, but got at a perfect time in my life. he knows more than anyone else and it is because i trust him and know he actually cares about me.
what do i do now? where do i go? what is the next step? i wants jacks compass... but then it wouldnt be working, another gizmo to complicate the machine and send it down the right, no wrong, no some path. well we will see. i have a perplexion, that will be his nickname for now. this perplexion is intriguing and we will see what happens. i like having a clue but right now there is no clue, no breadcrumbs and arms length....
i give up for today, i will go to the movies tonight, pack for my weekend and take a bath, perhaps things will be clearer tomorrow...... perhaps?
Sunday, March 8, 2009
so a funny thing happened on the way to the internet....
so i had a name pop into my head the other day. a name that i havent said in years, thought about per say but havent verbally said. the reason for this is that the name was of a person from the past, not the recent past but back in high school.
high school being what it was, a bunch of kids rebelling from anything and getting into trouble any way that they knew how to. although it was rather safe trouble in the neck of the woods that i grew up in. simple, dull fresno with its dwindling fig orchards which deemed to an agricultural background, now a wasteland of shopping malls and people still wondering if and when they were going to leave. people here tend to get stuck.... just stuck. they leave for a while and then they return, a little worse for wear but ready to embrace mediocrity... ah sweet dumb and blind mediocrity.
what was worse was my high school. well i hated high school, not because i got picked on, not because of any real reason. i had boyfriends and girlfriends. i had fun and caused a good deal of trouble, well as much as one can that gets minor duckets in lunch money. it was just the stuck-upness of the people at my high school. i think more so because my high school felt like the 1950s, segregated as much as a school in the 1990s could be. worse than the clovis school since they didnt move around kids from 'disadvantaged' areas in clovis....
the kids that belonged at my high school well those kids had money and to them it might as well been monopoly money as they seemed to spend it that way.... the kids that had money ran the school and took the priveledged spot in front of the gym to park their brand new cars and sport their brand new clothes.... scary what i remember most was a blue, scratch that bright sonic blue bmw and a bunch of guess jeans....
that left the rest of us with our old cars, if we were lucky enough to get a car, or those being bused from the poorer neighborhoods so that we could all mingle as one happy family in the psycosis which is high school. what the mingling did was make us even more segregated than anywhere else and one of my main reason for wanting to run screaming from the whole town. it just seemed like a dreamland which i interpreted more as a nightmare than anything happy. i remember having dreams about semi-automatic shotguns and a quad full of yuppy preppy assholes and lots of shiny oozing blood.... yeah well i know it was warped but it put a nice little smile on my face in the afternoon as i walked through the quad from lunch to german class.
i tended to relate with the kids with little funds. my mother married my stepfather and in her words 'she married up'. my stepdad ran his own sucessful business and made great money for running around a job-site in custom osterich boots, a cashmere/mohair camel colored jacket and a cowboy hard-hat. we lived in a decent sized house with a pool in the backyard and the marge carson couches in the living room. my parents drove nice cars and we ate good food, but when my brother or i wanted money it was all about the slave labor. washing and waxing my step fathers gargantuin truck was a $30 payyday if we were lucky so to get enough money to go out. i was better wearing a short skirt and standing by the street with a sign... no not for prostituion - goodness i was a virgin till i was 17 1/2.
high school was just high school, it was times of making sure that your underwear wasnt showing when you walked out of the bathroom and that your lipstick wasnt coming off after a quick kiss with a boyfriend while walking down the hall. it was about getting caught in the newest rumor as long as it boosted your popularity rating and smiling.... that is what it was really about - smiling and laughing and having fun....
well that is what has been happening with this blast from the past. a boy that i had a little adventure with once upon a time, got annoyed with and walked away from.... not that anything would have ever happened, different stereotypes - different clicks - different lots in life.
so the other day i found him on that other more high school related website, i will let each of you guess until your faces are blue as 'i will never tell' and i poked him. poking is funny, too funny but it is what it is, poke poke poke baby. a lot of silly memories that i remembered but who knows if he would. i had the same thing with someone else and no memories, so why get my hopes up with this one.... poke poke poke, like a newer less creepy version of edgar allen. we will see what he does?? if he pokes back we send a note, if not - no harm no faul 'huh my little turtle dove'.
well he poked back, so i wrote on his wall and shortly he returned the scribble... quite interstingly i thought. do we play with the mouse or do we be the mouse and hide... well i have never been the one for being a mouse so the kat played back. and since then it has been an interesting ride. a ride that if the line was long i would have walked right past and never worried about looking back - kay sara sara - whatever will be will be. but NOW the poke has turned to scribbles which has turned to messages which somehow transformed to texts and an actual conversation in the span of a day or two.
its just weird, weird weird WEIRD i tell you and i am thinking that i could use sherlock and watson to help with some skills of deduction on how this might end up. the boy is different - he is a man and an educated man at that. i have gotten all my knowledge by climbing fences and listening to the wind. i have watched the masters and like a good little apprentice learned their skills. i have been taught by the stars and the moon which has allowed me to play with the big dogs when i dont get stumbled on my own words..... he isnt a boy, he isnt the boy that i got annoyed with and decided that we were too different to care.....
he is so different that my face wrenches into new positions with one eyebrow raised a little higher than the other and a grin that could out do the grinch on christmas eve... it is a thoughtful evil that comes into my head, a wrenching that i feel like i am playing my own game of tug of war.
'they all lie' pops into my head, thanks dave, i appreciate that one. that is not how my game of life is played, the card says i win a $1000 then i win a $1000 always forgetting the fine print discussing taxes since everyone and their mother wants my share... well getting back on topic, i think this may just be easier to take this at face value. he seems like he is willing to answer the questions that i may be willing to ask, so we will take it one day at a time and move forward, not side-ways, never backwards, just forward............
high school being what it was, a bunch of kids rebelling from anything and getting into trouble any way that they knew how to. although it was rather safe trouble in the neck of the woods that i grew up in. simple, dull fresno with its dwindling fig orchards which deemed to an agricultural background, now a wasteland of shopping malls and people still wondering if and when they were going to leave. people here tend to get stuck.... just stuck. they leave for a while and then they return, a little worse for wear but ready to embrace mediocrity... ah sweet dumb and blind mediocrity.
what was worse was my high school. well i hated high school, not because i got picked on, not because of any real reason. i had boyfriends and girlfriends. i had fun and caused a good deal of trouble, well as much as one can that gets minor duckets in lunch money. it was just the stuck-upness of the people at my high school. i think more so because my high school felt like the 1950s, segregated as much as a school in the 1990s could be. worse than the clovis school since they didnt move around kids from 'disadvantaged' areas in clovis....
the kids that belonged at my high school well those kids had money and to them it might as well been monopoly money as they seemed to spend it that way.... the kids that had money ran the school and took the priveledged spot in front of the gym to park their brand new cars and sport their brand new clothes.... scary what i remember most was a blue, scratch that bright sonic blue bmw and a bunch of guess jeans....
that left the rest of us with our old cars, if we were lucky enough to get a car, or those being bused from the poorer neighborhoods so that we could all mingle as one happy family in the psycosis which is high school. what the mingling did was make us even more segregated than anywhere else and one of my main reason for wanting to run screaming from the whole town. it just seemed like a dreamland which i interpreted more as a nightmare than anything happy. i remember having dreams about semi-automatic shotguns and a quad full of yuppy preppy assholes and lots of shiny oozing blood.... yeah well i know it was warped but it put a nice little smile on my face in the afternoon as i walked through the quad from lunch to german class.
i tended to relate with the kids with little funds. my mother married my stepfather and in her words 'she married up'. my stepdad ran his own sucessful business and made great money for running around a job-site in custom osterich boots, a cashmere/mohair camel colored jacket and a cowboy hard-hat. we lived in a decent sized house with a pool in the backyard and the marge carson couches in the living room. my parents drove nice cars and we ate good food, but when my brother or i wanted money it was all about the slave labor. washing and waxing my step fathers gargantuin truck was a $30 payyday if we were lucky so to get enough money to go out. i was better wearing a short skirt and standing by the street with a sign... no not for prostituion - goodness i was a virgin till i was 17 1/2.
high school was just high school, it was times of making sure that your underwear wasnt showing when you walked out of the bathroom and that your lipstick wasnt coming off after a quick kiss with a boyfriend while walking down the hall. it was about getting caught in the newest rumor as long as it boosted your popularity rating and smiling.... that is what it was really about - smiling and laughing and having fun....
well that is what has been happening with this blast from the past. a boy that i had a little adventure with once upon a time, got annoyed with and walked away from.... not that anything would have ever happened, different stereotypes - different clicks - different lots in life.
so the other day i found him on that other more high school related website, i will let each of you guess until your faces are blue as 'i will never tell' and i poked him. poking is funny, too funny but it is what it is, poke poke poke baby. a lot of silly memories that i remembered but who knows if he would. i had the same thing with someone else and no memories, so why get my hopes up with this one.... poke poke poke, like a newer less creepy version of edgar allen. we will see what he does?? if he pokes back we send a note, if not - no harm no faul 'huh my little turtle dove'.
well he poked back, so i wrote on his wall and shortly he returned the scribble... quite interstingly i thought. do we play with the mouse or do we be the mouse and hide... well i have never been the one for being a mouse so the kat played back. and since then it has been an interesting ride. a ride that if the line was long i would have walked right past and never worried about looking back - kay sara sara - whatever will be will be. but NOW the poke has turned to scribbles which has turned to messages which somehow transformed to texts and an actual conversation in the span of a day or two.
its just weird, weird weird WEIRD i tell you and i am thinking that i could use sherlock and watson to help with some skills of deduction on how this might end up. the boy is different - he is a man and an educated man at that. i have gotten all my knowledge by climbing fences and listening to the wind. i have watched the masters and like a good little apprentice learned their skills. i have been taught by the stars and the moon which has allowed me to play with the big dogs when i dont get stumbled on my own words..... he isnt a boy, he isnt the boy that i got annoyed with and decided that we were too different to care.....
he is so different that my face wrenches into new positions with one eyebrow raised a little higher than the other and a grin that could out do the grinch on christmas eve... it is a thoughtful evil that comes into my head, a wrenching that i feel like i am playing my own game of tug of war.
'they all lie' pops into my head, thanks dave, i appreciate that one. that is not how my game of life is played, the card says i win a $1000 then i win a $1000 always forgetting the fine print discussing taxes since everyone and their mother wants my share... well getting back on topic, i think this may just be easier to take this at face value. he seems like he is willing to answer the questions that i may be willing to ask, so we will take it one day at a time and move forward, not side-ways, never backwards, just forward............
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