Why am I not tired?

It has been a long time since I was sitting on my couch willing my brain to turn off and let my body go to sleep. A very long time. If I remember correctly it was the first night that I found out my husband of 5+ years was cheating on me (and fell in love) with a woman that I trusted and called friend. That was a night of shear contemplation and lots of different emotions. That was a SHITTY night.

Tonight I sit up for different reasons, more than to do with feelings than thoughts. I have some great people that I am worrying about. Some people that are going through hard times, unsure of what the future holds, broken by people they loved as well as this great economy that we live in. It has been hard for all, whether you have a job or not, a relationship or not, a child or not, a life or not, a (fill in the blank here) or not. Too much to think about, too too much to think about but yet here I sit with my head flowing with people I love and the stresses, drama and problems that they are dealing with.

It is hard to watch someone you love hurt, suffer or feel lost. I have always held my friends in my hand, wanted every possible happiness for them as long as it was a healthy happiness. As long as the path they were traveling was toward light and not toward darkness. But so few can see the light sometimes, the path is so dim because it is covered with trees. And worse is when you can’t see the path in any way around you and you just sit down, feel broken and cry.

I sit and worry while I keep silent. Sometimes you just have to do that, as much as you may love someone you have to go silent. Fade into the darkness until they call for you. Speaking when a friend is lost, broken, unhappy, etc. can be one of the worst things. You can, in your compassion, actually cause more harm than good. Especially through emails and texts - the greatest things being words are interpreted by the reader how the reader sees fit. You may have the greatest intentions and yet even on a normal day words and their intentions can be read wrong. One of my favorite people complained of this just the other day during a visit, he shook his head at a text message and paused before replying back to it for some time to insure he was not mean because he took said text as such. All of this reminds me of a great quote which says “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” - Samuel Johnson, 1775.

Is it a bad thing to walk away from a friend when they may seem at their weakest point, perhaps… I was very very weak last year. I was broken and suicidal. I had no faith in people and while it was not my fault, which I realize only now, at certain points I did need to been alone. I needed to get on my hands and knees and feel out my path in the darkness. My path had turned from light to darkness in a second, and gave me no sense in any direction of which way to move. It was a very scary time for me, but also a time of great growth, great review and great reorganization.

My perception of my life was very different than others perception of my life. I realized that I protected my husband, I gave into his wants even when they were not my own, I let him say and do horrible things to me and all while instantly forgiving him. I let him break me, I let him change me, and I let him warp my mind and my morals. I gave so much to him because he was my husband and because in my mind once you marry you don’t walk away. There are vows that were taken, implied or said they had been ingrained in me since I was little. I picked him and I was going to make it work even if I was a shell of a person I was going to try and try and try my hardest to make him happy.

As horrible as it was to find out what was happening in my house and right under my nose, it was him doing it, not me, NOT ME! A relationship only works if both people work at it, if both people accept to progress down the path of life together, hand-in-hand and relying on each other each time one of you shall stumble. And stumbling will and does happen. You will very rarely both be walking tall through the entire journey, but the faith is that one of you will. Hands holding each other through each step, even when the path is dim and neither of you can see.

The problem is truly looking at that person, truly seeing that person. Removing all falsities, some of us can while others still feel a sense of obligation even perhaps a sense of guilt. Do they make you want to stand tall as a mighty oak or do they take an axe to your kneecaps? When you falter, do they wrap their arms around you and protect you or are they helping dig your grave? I know any of you sitting here reading this are thinking “how could someone…” but I tell you they do. The people that are supposed to be our #1 supporter can be the detriment to our entire being with one action. One word, one call and one thought. They can wreck our entire being and make us not repairable.

I have reached out my hand to a couple of people as of recent. Some that asked with their mouths and others with their eyes. I remember bringing myself from brokenness as if super-gluing together a vase that had shattered into thousands of tiny unrecognizable pieces. Gluing one piece into a spot and realizing it didn’t fit there and looking for the right piece. It is a time of very quiet contemplation. It is a time of great solace because even when you look in the mirror you are upset with the person you see. Dark circles that show the true us even through the façade that we manifested.

A façade is not good, truth even when it hurts is what each of us needs. We all go through patches of bad mixed with patches of good. WE ALL DO! No one’s life is perfect and even the best intentions end up hurting the intender or the intended. For some of the people that I love, and you know who you are, it is safer for me to pull away. I have said what I have said only to protect each of you. I have done things to try to bring you back from what shattered you only because I understand where you are, but this is the time that you and only YOU shall have to get on your hands and knees and feel your way towards the dim light in front of you. I am sorry that I could not be a better friend but this will be your dark time…. Just know that when you do call out my name, I will come back out of the shadows, pick you up, dust you off and hand you my hand and my flashlight. I love you all more than you know and know you can do this.

You can repair yourself and you need to fill your life with those that make you want to be an oak and wrap their arms around you for not themselves but for you. Be what YOU want! Do not shatter further! You can review all your sadness, remove all the falsities and start to see the light on your path. You will have to squint a bit but know that YOU CAN.

why?

why is it when someone is nice that we forget the mean horrible things that they have done to us and only think of the happy moments when those were so few and far between. is the comfort really worth all the hurt, pain and suffering in the long run ...or is it just that it is what we are used to and the other path is too dark to see?

that is the question that is perplexing me today and only because of the last 24 hours. My ex was here for the last 24 hours being overly sweet, being overly nice and in my current state making me think about the "us" that used to be. i met my ex in nov 2000 and we pretty much were attached at the hip since that point... well that was until last october when i found out that he had fallen for our roommate and had been in a relationship with her while i was living and working in LA to pay for the house that we bought. i committed to this man in every wifely aspect plus some that the good book doesn't talk about and at ever turn was treated like a child and a slave. the problem is that i know what to expect and today the devil was tempting me because he kept saying "youre lonely, he is still yours, just tell him and everything can be as it was".

well the devil is just that and the relationship was hell but when it came down to it, it isnt the man that i miss but the marriage, its the commitment to someone. having someone to hug and kiss and talk about your day, someone to cuddle up on the couch who looks at you with love in their eyes and cuddles up to you in bed each night. that is what i miss and worse i feel old.

i feel old because i feel like i spent the best years of my life with this ASS of a man and now I am not worth anything to anyone. feeling worthless is just as bad as feeling broken. and worse today is an empty house day, i do well for an hour or so but then the calamity that was just this morning with the roommates, the ex, the roommates kids and the mild drama and worse low end feeling.

its is my opinion that we all have five levels and in any case when more than one is out of whack then you feel some what outta whack. the five levels are family, friends, love, job and self. each can come into or out of the other, but in the long run you can put each problem into one category or the other. normally the only two that are okay at any given point are your friends and family. job, love and self can be in and out.

with me right now all three of those categories feel completely broken. my marriage is broken, there is no fixing it and as with any good person I blame myself when I did nothing wrong, I realize that, the decision to break the rules and lie to me was his own but why do i still feel like that is all i deserve? I dont deserve any better than an adulterous lying asshole. and worse it has broken my trust with all men, they all will be like him, they all will lie and hurt me and so i feel better alone, but then lonely, its a fucked up situation to say the least. because my love is out of whack, i feel my self is out of whack too. i am a very sweet, loving and caring person - only wanting any person in my life to be happy, have all that they want and all that they deserve. I have good karma and a guardian angel that has been watching over me for 12 years come tomorrow.

maybe that is the problem, tomorrow my dad, my parent will have been gone for 12 years. I light a candle each year on that day, his birthday and father's day. I still cry on his birthday and still cant look through father's day cards because i end up a huddle crying mess on the card aisle at target. my ex was good enough to look out for me on these days, he would make sure that i had something to do, something to get my mind off of the sadness and the loss and the memories. You think you get over losing someone but you never really do, especially when they were close to you. i regret certain things with my father but in the end we were reconnecting, we were becoming friends and then when i was 20 he was taken. my mother and i never had the relationship that my dad and i had. my mother never bonded with me the way a girl and her mother should and its sad beyond belief.

i just feel at this point at 32, almost 33, i have no time. no time to find someone that will love me and wants a family and wants to put it on a fast track. I feel like as a woman, I have to pick a very good man to have children with because if we do and he leaves, they will look at me to be strong. I have a very good friend and we have talked about how his son just wants to get him and his ex back together. The poor child cries for the want of a family and unfortunately there is nothing that can be done. She has made up her mind and for whatever reason the man and her son a a family are not important. But to tell this all to any guy on the first date screams "PSYCHO" but then when, being the picky type there normally isnt a second date.

so why? why do i feel what i do? what is the next step? should i give up and move forward with me, try a segregate and a frozen pop or is there someone out there for me? I have a business and a plan, I have a strategy to get the job back in order, do better on myself but then there are so many whys and I feel stuck in cement or worse tar, sinking yet still breathing, knowing that the end is near but not certain, I could be given a branch and pulled out but as the tar gets closer to my neck i just keep asking myself why?

i want a mechanic to fix my life

last night i sit on the couch with a friend that i have known for about 10 years but havent spent as much time with as i should. this friend produced a sadness and a longing for something that i have also not been unfamiliar with lately. the longing is fine and the sadness is fine, but combined the two create a dreary person the like that even hugs and hands cant take away. the mood was solemn for many and even with bouts of laughter and crude jokes the evening was still more filled with solace than i like at my parties.

since october of last year when i felt a portion of my own life came crumbling down upon my head, i have been trying to figure out what i want from life. what type of friends that i need, what kind of relationship would work and what type of person i would like to find and spend the rest of my life with. i am not in any way a temporary person. i like my traditions and keep to them regularly whether alone or in groups. i dont look at something and figure that once it leaves my life i can just replace it. this is with anything, i tend to spend a little extra money on quality and justly i am looking for that in my friends and relationships.

the problem is that i dont think people think that way anymore. by the way that this friend was speaking and overwhelmingly by the way a couple of friends have been talking it seems more people are of the 'buy cheap and throw it away' then find and buy quality. i dont know if it is life that is teaching us to be this way or if it is the people that we fill our lives with that make us frustrated about the worth of the situation.

on friday i spent the evening with another friend that is saying the same thing that i used as a descriptor for myself only a few months ago. this friend feels 'broken'. broken is defined in many ways as 1) reduced to fragments; fragmented, 2) ruptured; torn; fractured, 3) not functioning properly; out of working order, 4) fragmentary or incomplete, 5) infringed or violated, 6) interrupted, disrupted, or disconnected, 7) weakened in strength, spirit, etc., 8) disunited or divided, 9) not smooth; rough or irregular, 10) ruined; bankrupt. take one or all of these and to have a human describe themselves as such is nothing less than sad.

no one should feel broken, especially if another human being has made us feel this way. life is hard enough to go through on a daily basis that when one is miserable, it seems like in one way shape or form, all of us have something or someone making us feel this way. whether a relationship that has long past expired, a job that makes us want to call in more sick days then go in, friends that are not the counsel that a friend should be or family that makes us, even at our current age, feel more like children than the adults we proclaim to be.

my friends that are feeling such loss and feeling broken are also proclaiming to have 'given up' or 'dont think they can go through this again'. why do relationships make us feel so close and so distant at the same time? why do people hold onto things/people that they no longer want? why are we so scared of the truth with someone that we stay even when we feel we are walking into the depths of hell every time that we open the door? there are a lot of reasons.... fear, insecurities, etc. you pick what you want for your situation? find me a truly 100% happy person and i will give you everything that i own.

what worries me more are that these broken people are some of the cream of the crop in so many ways. now i know no one is perfect, we cant be, we werent made that way. regardless of what you believe it is hard to gain perfection in one's life. but to the broken i say make yourself a list, look at your situation and if any negative descriptors come to mind reevaluate, tell those that you love that you do even if the situation isnt ideal, because it may be longer to get to that ideal situation than you realize. life gives us ups and downs for a reason, with me its to trip me in my five inch heels but for other chose your cheesy metaphor. take a chance on the things that you want because all any of us is doing is getting older, perhaps wiser but definitely older and no one wants to looks back at their life with regrets of 'what if' or 'what could have been'.

regardless i wish you all happiness, love, companionship, wealth, health, liberty and happiness and for those that dont have it yet realize that YOU are the only mechanic in your life that can fix your brokenness however small or large it may be. blessed be.

this would be a blog......

it is halfway through september and still not a job in site. the market for insurance brokers is pretty much bust and so instead i have been working on some side projects including but not limited to my fashion design company, a brilliant business venture and miscellaneous other smaller inventions.

this is a time for new beginnings, reflections and change. it is a time to review ones life and make oneself the best person that you can be. no one is prefect but stop giving advice to others and heed your own.

in a conversation with a new old friend, we both reflected on past relationships and trying to make something out of nothing. i did it twice in the same twelve months. once with my future ex husband while trying to make a sinking ship seaworthy and one with what i saw was a bright and shining star that unfortunately gave no direction. back to the conversation that lasted far into the night and while yawning we decided to end it.

basically we cant figure out why good people seek or get attracted to people that dont see their good, dont see there future and dont see the wonderful person in front of them. its hard to make someone truly see you, regardless of your past or possible future a person sees what they want to see. sometimes its the whole truth and sometimes its a lie and sometimes, even worse, it is a combination of both.

the man that i fell for has become a boy. i know i know it should be the other way. all of us should go from the child to the adult but for some its harder than others. outside forces tell us that we should couple or not couple, that we should procreate or not and so on and so forth. for whatever reason i was two steps ahead of him. so like so many others i have cried my tears and are moving forward.

there are too many other things in the hopper right now to keep my head stuck on an effort forlorn. there were a couple of people that gave solace in this time. my best friend was a shoulder to cry on even though he himself was going through a tough time. my old-new friend going through something hard himself was a sounding board and countless others that saw my silly philosophical posts and texts gave their support.

and so in conclusion, the boy was set free and seeing fit i will quote some silly sayings that feel right and just in this moment. 'if you love something set it free, if it returns it was meant to be' and 'it is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved before' while adding my own 'if they cant see the wonderful person that you are, then they dont deserve you' and 'take each failure as a step in the right direction'.

i send this blog out to everyone, whether they are loved or unloved, coupled or single. You can only move forward and keep your fingers crossed but looking back for too long will cause you to trip into holes and miss new opportunities.

its nice to be someones guardian angel

a couple of weeks ago i met a soul in need of someone or something, i am unsure at the time what exactly it was, but regardless this person called out to me. i simply answered. i simply opened myself up to this person and listened to them as they yo yoed up and down the twisted string of life. this soul was hurting, hurting much like i had done only a few months earlier. i could feel the same pain, i could feel the same ache and i could feel the same hurt that i had had only a short time before.

i had a friend, a true friend pull me out of this funk, tell me what i needed to hear and let me know that i was the number one person in my life. it was only right that i pay it forward. that i give the same advise that was given to me. that i hold out the same hand to help them off the ground and to give the same shoulder and allow the tears to flow.

this man had so much hurt from the people that shouldnt hurt at all, that shouldnt put you through pain. he needed a way out. we have talked for the last couple of weeks sharing things and getting very close. me thinking that perhaps he could be mine but then it happened. the other day i told him to pack up, that he needed to get out of the house of hatred and lies, that he needed a 'spa' weekend. i picked him up in victimville, took him to santa ana to get his son and then i met her. what an angel and a devil all at the same time and for reasons that only another girl can ever comprehend.

regardless i realized something, that this man needed this angel. on the drive from santa ana to my house we talked, we shared and i told him he was already half way there. with all his belongings already in my car he could just call her and make the next step. someone needed to push him because they were meant for each other, they already had a son, it was so easy.

now the rest is history and he is back where he belongs and now i know how it feels to be someone guardian angel

i think i found perfection

do you ever think wow. i mean wow. do you ever meet someone and have such an instant connection that you dont think your life will ever be right again if that person were to leave it.... and at the same time think that it couldnt be any better than it is now.

through random circumstances i think i have found perfection. a heart in the same shape as mine but not. a soul in the same shape as mine but slightly different. the connection we have right now is so strong that it is causing constant thought on both ends. the phrases that we say to each other are way to early but yet said with confidence, care and truth.

the whole thing is like a hollywood romantic comedy. a really good one, that the two people connect and you think cheese. they fall in love and you think it couldnt happen like that. they commit to each other and you think it doesnt really work that way. they spend eternity in one night and you wish it would or could happen to you.

it is starting out that like that and i am loving each step. the conflict between the heart and the mind. which is an ever struggle to all anyways. it is baby stepping and a child running with scissors all at the same time. I never would have thought it. i never would have believed it but i think i found perfection

how to cope when you feel lost

today was a weird day. that is the easiest way to describe today, weird.

yesterday was a good day, even with him unhappy and sick, yesterday was a good day. a day where i made homemade banana nut bread, got a window fixed, had a great nap and took my time to smile. yesterday was a good day, when i saw him, he asked if i missed him and i said yes. when as we were getting to his car he gave me the sweetest kiss and looked into my eyes. a day where a nice dinner and a little conversation made me smile and not feel so lonely. yesterday was a good day and it ended in a good way with shivers and tingles. yesterday was a good day.

today was weird. at about nine this morning, i expected him to show up. he made a promise and he was supposed to be here. we were supposed to do all the things that i am bound to do with him. still bound because i have to be not because i want to be. he isnt the same person anymore. we have both changed and as a couple we pulled away from each other. today was weird.

i have two males in my life right now.

a new man that i can tell the truth to. its not the whole truth because we havent swapped life stories, but that comes with time. no one wants to know the whole story anyways but we share as any new relationship goes. like a flower on its journey to from a bud to a bloom, each petal opening when the warm light shines on it. when the water rushes from it roots to the veins of its inner being. as the two combine then the life, the essence is given to the plant. that photo thingy that creates life in the flower allows it to bloom and flourish. each petal a true magnificent miracle. if you dont think it is the perfect analogy for a new relationship, then please send me a note but that is the way i see it. he is a lot of silly things that i want. his eyes and his hair, his rugged features, his strength, his care, his gentility, his genuineness, his truth and his thinking. even though he is much younger. even though i am not sure, i am okay with spending more time getting to know him and being with him. i have been looking for one with certain attributes and qualities which he has. as long as we continue down this path, i feel that we can be okay. i dont want to jinx anything. i have done that in the past, put too much thought into things and come out perplexed, frustrated and unhappy. i am okay with letting the chips fall where they may and the grains of sand pass through the hourglass without shaking it to make them flow faster. he was my yesterday and my yesterday was good.

there is another man in my life. one i can no longer trust. one that i can no longer look at with the innocence that i once had. one that betrayed our relationship by kissing another woman. the one rule i stood fast on as the kiss is the passion of a relationship. he didnt understand that him kissing her was so much worse than anything else he could do to me. he still doesnt because 'it was only kissing and hugging, i didnt fuck her'. the statement still chimes through my head and when i look at him it is with disgust these days. he was the one that was supposed to be here today, we had things to take care of. we had things that we had to do.

and so today was weird. i got up late because i went to bed late. i climbed into my chair and opened the computer to check email. my roommate came in and asked me to come chill with him and the kids for the morning. it was fun, picking them up, heading through wal-mart with a quick trip to see the fish, the toys and the movies. off to lunch and then home for a quick change and the park with bubbles and kite flying. more time with the kids.

i enjoy spending time with the kids and with D. it was the life that i wanted. a family and watching the kids run around and have fun. simplicity is key and D and i have fun. a little sun and some fresh air and then drama. because he wasnt there when we got home like he was supposed to be. a simple text wondering where he was. we were trying to plan the evening, continuing the time with the kids, aidan had gotten stars and we were going to go to see the giant rat and his cheese. all i asked was where he was and it was as if i started a fire. it was simple to answer the question but then there was this drama.

the drama that caused me to cry under my glasses. the things that he said and the hurt in his words. i dont understand him. i thought we were done but then i get this. i dont know him anymore. he still flaunts her in my face and yet he still cares. talk about two different things. talk about two different ideas. i dont know what to think anymore, i dont know if he does or he doesnt because he puts priority on the dumbest things. the dumbest things.

tomorrow all could be lost but love remains. if the world blew up and there wasnt cell phones and television and cars and debt there would still be love. love and trust is the most important things to me. when you get to the point of telling someone that you love them, then you put blinders on. the only person in your sights is that person, yes its old fashioned but then so am i.

i was taught to take care of my man. i was taught that the woman knows how to cook and how to love and she gets the slippers at the end of the night. i know it is anti-feminist but then it is old fashioned and sometimes i return to that way of thinking. it has worked for my grandparents and they just hit seventy-five years together. seventy-five years, i dont even think they have a metal for that. that mixed with a little bit of my mother makes me me. it makes me want to find someone that will take care of me the way i take care of others. someone that really cares but then maybe not. maybe its easier to take what i want and get out before it gets too complicated, like so many other girls do.

well i cant be one of those girls. i cant have people in my life that i care about and not give them everything that they need. its just that simple, like making promises and keeping them. but when you feel lost, you feel like everything is different. not weird, not bad nor good, just different. how does one cope? well this one goes to visit the people that she knows care about her, that she knows will always be there. those are family and when i feel lost i cope by visiting them.

you take stock, listen to your livestock so to say. you get with people that look in your eyes and know when you are miserable, not just look at the fake smile on your face. so i will pack up my clothes and my computer, some chick flicks and my camera and i will get away for a little while. I will spend time with my family and my adopted family. I will allow my feeling of being lost to come through and actually be real for a little while. whether i cry or i laugh or i just give in. i will find solace in my family and cope while i feel lost.

thinking i was okay and instead i am on the floor in a million pieces

how come something so simple, so small can do something so large. i feel like i have been broken into a million pieces all over again. i finish up my last bit of german with a new friend through chat. hippity hop down the stairs to cook a meal that i have been craving for the last couple of weeks.

i begin pulling the veggies out of the fridge. over to the pantry for the pasta and the sauce. back to the counter to cut up the chicken and as i look the mail is here. cool, i grab it and begin looking through it and there it is. a note from disney, not for me but i dont care, i rip them in two. i am pissed.

i kicked her out after what she did, thought about so many horrible things to do to her. this person that said she was my friend all the while seducing my husband while i was gone. giving him kisses in the doorways when i wasnt looking and lying to me at each breath that escaped her lips. and yet she still lingers here in the mail that didnt get forwarded and the nonreturnable presents that sit in doorways and jewelry boxes.

i tried to rid her from this house and still she is here. still her name pops up and i hear her fucking voice. it was one thing to have a cheating husband, we had a deal when it came to sex, we could go outside the doors of our home, this safety and have a little freakishness. that was fine, not originally what i wanted but i gave in because i loved him, i gave in because i didnt think it would affect me.

we had rules, when it came to the house, that was our safety. no one but each other. no one but our love and our caring for each other. but then the lies destroyed all of that. i trusted him to be faithful and miss me. i sacrificed sleeping next to him each night because the money was what he wanted. but then every friday when i got home, not even a true hello. not even a meet at the door with a hug and a kiss. not even a help me with the luggage and snuggle into bed with me.

i knew last year that he was distant. i knew how much i missed him each sunday i left to go back to la and what would probably happen each friday when i got home. i tried to talk to him but nothing. i tried to tell him what i needed, but nothing. i knew down deep that something was going on, but i didnt want to believe that. you dont make a commitment to someone and then drop it without telling the other person. you dont take someone else in your heart without releasing the one that you are bound to.

my trust for anyone and everyone should be shattered but then i would never love again, i would never care again, and i would turn into a lifeless droughted rose. full of thorns and wilted stinky petals. no interest to anyone or anything. my emotions are not like stereotype placed on the masses. i care independently, i trust independently and i love independently.

i look at the two torn pieces of paper in my hand, i could throw them away without anyone knowing. i could but i dont, i place them on his desk and then send him a text, actually two. texts that are not returned, probably because he knows he is wrong. i tell him i am pissed. i tell him that he is an asshole for allowing this to happen and make me feel like shit all over again. normally he replies and attacks, but no reply means what.... what? nothing, it means nothing. he means nothing. i wasted tears and pain and heartbreak on scum. on someone that wasnt worth my tears. i wasted years of my life on someone that was never going to give me what i wanted but always expected me to give him what he wanted. how is that a relationship..... how, well it isnt, its slavery and i paid him to be his slave.

i try to pull myself together but the tears come all over again. first lightly like fog and then downpours. i almost fall to the ground but the counter catches my arms. i also break into all of it and think about lighting his room ablaze or throwing his computer in the trash. what i realize is that i cant have him here anymore. i cant have him near me if i am going to heal. if i am going to love again, i have to not let these emotions happen again. i need to get away from him, from her, from this house.

i finish dinner and put mine in the fridge. too frustrated to eat, too sick to smell the wonder of the food that i created. i will eat it tomorrow when my stomach stops churning and my taste buds regain the ability to produce flavor and when i want to think. tonight i just wanted to escape, he isnt even here and i wanted to escape. bastard, to allow this to happen to me all over again. i was doing so well, but then it hurts all over again, this time not in my heart but in my head.

i remove myself from the room, from the hurt and return upstairs. this time with no spring in my step. i sit at my computer and continue some polite banter with few, some frustrations with others. i sit here and decide to look at a couple of pictures. my eyes resting on his blue eyes and his bright smile. i take a deep breath and look again, the dimple, the hat, the simple man with so many layers.

he doesnt understand yet how weak i really am and how i run because i dont want to get hurt. how i am not sure what i want right now and how fun is really all i can take. i want to see him often. i wanted to see all of them often and when they were too busy i moved to another one. i need what i need and i miss just being with someone. i miss the cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. i miss having their scent near me. looking into their eyes and having them look back at me. i just want simple, i want truth and i want trust, but like him i am not sure if i am willing to give that quiet yet. it is not an ocean, it is a raindrop right now. not sure where to go and what to do. my feet wanting to run away.

i send an email to my aunt and my mom, perhaps a couple of weeks to get away from him. pack up my fabric and my machine, my cats and my camera, my laptop and my sanity and run away. i have places to stay all over the state. i could travel the twelve hours to visit mom, the six to get to my aunt and the four to visit grandma. i need to hear what these brilliant woman think that i should do. i feel lost, i feel tired, i feel miserable, i feel like a loser and worse broken into a million pieces.

the loss of someone great

when i was twenty-one, my father was taken from my life. it was a time that was really bad and hard to explain to someone that hasnt gone through it. now that a friend, a very close friend that i care deeply for has had the same thing happen in his life, i have decided to write this.

losing a parent in hard. hard at any age. even when you are withdrawn from each other. but the simple matter of the fact is that they are your parent. you are all of them and they are half of you. that is the way that it works. two souls unite to create another and as much as you may hate them through certain stages of your life, you are connected eternally. you will see them in heaven if that is what you believe or they will ever be a cycle of any new life should it be reincarnation.

i remember watching 'greys anatomy' and when the character george loses his father he is outside, basically beside himself. the charater christina comes, stands ont he wall next to him and tell him 'welcome to the club, the dead dads club.' that is the way that it is. losing a father is different from losing a mother. we come from our mothers, we suckle from their breasts and are craddle in their arms. we fall and scrap our knees, they rush to our side ready with bacteen and bandages. fathers are a little withdrawn. we dont bond with them like we do our mothers. but regardless they are our dads.

when i was little, i was daddys little girl. no doub about it. i look through my baby book even to this day and there are lots of moments with my father. great moments, some that i remember and others that i dont. but then when i was eight years old, my father couldnt handle us anymore. he didnt want children and a wife, he didnt want his family. he divorced my mother and moved to sacramento. so far away for a child of eight, both physically and emotionally. i didnt understand it. this man that had said hello to me every night that he came home was no longer going to tuck me in at night. no longer going to kiss me on my forehead and say goodnight. it was heartbreaking to say the least.

when i finally was forced to see my father again. and it was just awkward. forced visits with kids that were withdrawal from their father.

stop thinking like a such girl

how come we, as women, over think everything. it could be the simplest of situations and yet, we are constantly striving to place more emotions, thoughts and, in the long run, drama into the situation. there are a few of us that think that we have avoided this dilemma, but really we just do it a little less than our friends. somehow thinking that WE dont do it. but when the time comes to make the situation complicated, then we are right in the middle stacking thoughts on thoughts and emotions on emotions. all this does is further cloud the situation and make us frustrated, sick to our stomachs and further removed from the true/real situation.

i placed this blog in the category of 'romance and relationships' just because that is the situation that i am over complicating at this moment. since my ex and i split, i have been back out there. had a couple of disasters, some mild failures, some short moments, some stalkers or freaks and some boys that i wanted to keep.

i am bad, i admit. i go through men like kleenex. it was my mothers mentality. according to her men were adorable and useless. she spouts the same quote to this day but i think a little more like my grandmother in the situation of relationships. however i understand that there are a lot of toads out there and i have no issues kissing lots to find my prince.

its not like i am a slut. i know what i am doing. i know that in the past, i have had a man fall for me and ruin the fun that we were having. mike was one. kevin was another and poor erin, well that boy needs therapy.

the relationship that mike and i had was supposed to be simple. he had previously been engaged and i was supposed to be the rebound. we discussed it, neither of us wanting to get serious because he was still very hurt from the situation. i really liked mike, we had fun together. his roommates loved me, i would come over and cook for all of them. we would go to bars and end up making-out in the corner. we would go dancing and to the movies. i enjoyed having him on my arm and it was simple like that. i took him to meet my parents, which few get to do, but i wasnt worried. i just took him to say 'hey, this is the guy in my life right now and please be happy for me'. my parents loved him. then one night the whole thing fell to shit. absolute shit. it was those words, those three little words that i wasnt ready to hear. he said it and it fucked up our fun. that was it, i was off like a prom dress and out of his life without much thought on my end. finding out months later, that he had fallen for me so severely that his roommates had to take drastic measures. once i found out i felt bad but then what could i do. i was young and worse dumb. mike would have been great, but i just wasnt ready.

looking back, mike was one of the best relationships that i have had. and it is not that i am pining, not anywhere near that. i am just trying to return to the dating mentality that i had with mike. i am trying to find a guy that will be truthful with me, tell me what he wants, what he doesnt and in the short run this makes the whole dating/relationship situation easy. there isnt the thought and emotions that cloud the situation. problem is out of the six guys that i have recently dated, only two have really been honest guys. one of which even i can be honest with, which is mean, but then we dont travel the same track.

the new one is adorable. he just is. his smile makes me smile. his eyes could pierce my soul if i let my walls down. his arms surround me. he is witty and intelligent. he is family oriented, sweet, compassionate and genuine, with the last being the best quality. and that is just from our talks. that is what we did a lot of. i didnt think at first he would be this way. i judged the cover and with the cover being like a players manual to a game all boys play. but his face value, well its different.

as a fashion designer, i judge the cover. i am judged all the time by my cover. it is what society teaches us. the cover is all that matters. dont look at the insides. fuck bret michaels is a prime example and YES i am stuck on all of the rock of loves. the first episode of each is big john looking through the group and removing the fuglies, the fatties and any other undesirables. poor bret, poor poor bret. but i wouldnt have a job in making my covers pretty nor would any of the models if that wasnt what society was all about. but then it all started with louis XIV and those prissy pissy french, but that is for another blog.

when i first meet a guy, i look at the cover. i can tell you within five minutes, if the boy that i am looking at is attractive enough to fuck. i am not talking making love, that comes later and if you dont agree then that is for a totally different blog, totally different. i think all people know and perhaps with this subject my terminology is a little harsh. maybe some of you would prefer the word kiss.

well regardless of the word that you use, you know when you wanna kiss someone. when i find someone that i want to kiss well i get hot, i get flushed, pupils dilate, heart beat increases, skin get dewy. all signs of attraction, all normal signs of attraction, pure instinctual caveman like attraction. yes we are what we are from, regardless we are instinctual creatures. those silly little pheromones that attract us to someone. the eye color or the sweat or whatever attracts you. each of us follow a little bit of both.

well with this one, i am over thinking. i admit it. totally over thinking. i am still fucked up and i am sure that he knows it even though we havent discussed that disaster, the disaster of my last relationship. i am not ready for it. i am sick of airing my dirty laundry and getting those puppy dog eyes from guys. fuck that, its over and proudly i havent shed a tear in weeks. but back to the boy.

i call them all boys until they can prove me wrong. i am just a bitch that way and i wear my crown proudly. why not, i am sure that most new girls get lumped into some boys category too. until we can both prove ourselves to the other. they are all boys because until they can prove themselves, they stay there. boys can turn into men, guys, pigs or dogs... or worse stay boys. i call them pups when they are younger than i. but the boys well that takes a while.

the funny thing is that i havent called this one a pup when i am talking about him. he doesnt seem like a pup even though he is much younger than i. he actually seems like an old soul. much like my brother is and like my great grandmother was. he seems like an old soul and so i am not worried what category he will fall into once i stop thinking so much....

it is still in the back of my mind though. will this boy be the player or be the man? and yet back to the problem with my situation of over-thinking the situation. i dont want to be THAT girl. the freak girl. we know them, shes kind of like a bag lady. her past laid out and organized like the cans in her shopping cart. regardless of what you might think, all of us have been a bag lady. babbling to ourselves about our problems with our cans....

i am trying not to over think the situation. i found myself doing it today. thinking like a girl instead of thinking like me. i just want the truth. tell me what you want from me and then let me look at it, decide if i can handle it and follow it or not and end it. pretty simple in my mind as i realize that as i type this i am shrugging my shoulders.

i like him. i am willing to admit that. it is the combination of his eyes and his genuine quality. a quality i havent seen from a man in a long time. i feel nothing but truth with him, but then in the back of my mind my mother. this time not the kleenex comment, but the play or be played comment. i think my mom was worse. i remember all the dates, more the cars then the actual men. i remember the need for love after my father left us. she found someone better after her first and i guess that is the light that i have. if just i can stop thinking like such a girl.

it is all so refreshing

i sat in bed last night with my brain so full of thoughts that i thought it was going to burst... i thought i was never going to get to sleep... i thought i was going to be up all night... and the reason was not because i was unhappy or sad but quite the opposite. things have beginning to look up in my life.

no more than a couple of months ago, i slept all day. i couldnt move more than grabbing the remote and turning on the days blather of crap to entertain me and spread noise into this overly empty house. the cats didnt move much either. they lay by my side as if i was in a coma or on my last days of my life. i didnt shower, yeah i know GROSS. i didnt do much of anything. i thought my life was over. the emotions that flooded my head on a daily basis were harsh, very harsh. but those that have gone through what i have gone through will understand and those that have been on the giving end doent deserve the people that they put it through.

that is what i have come to a realization about. i am happy being me. i am happy with my flaws and my attributes. i am happy with the fact that my life is what it is and no one elses. yeah there are things that i could change. yes there are things that could be better. each of us could change, but we wouldnt be us, we wouldnt be true and we wouldnt be happy and so i accept myself. i accept me and i have realized that i love me.

in the last couple of days i have caught myself watching the movie penelope with christina ricci. it is a very interesting movie. it is about accepting yourself on your own terms. it is about looking past the exterior and finding what makes you you, what makes you different and what makes you special.

none of this really happens when we are young. we grow as children, being taught by our parents their rules and societies rules. what to follow, what to do and what not to do. each step perplexed by the process of life and its day to day nuances.

when we hit our teens our bodies begin to change on us, this normally freaks all of us out. girls grow boobs and hips, boys voices change. all of it some how more ackward then the years before, because we arent learning we are just changing. then another set of rules about these new bodies that we have... boys being told to divide and conquer... girls being told to protect ever inch of our forts. each of us deciding when to let the enemy in and at which step to retreat in the battle of first love.

then onto college and back to learning. some of us with a direction in our heads and some of us wanting to live life, smelling each rose. some of us still working on that first love phase or even worse stuck in the previous stage because we still dont feel like ourselves. regardless we are always working in three stages - who we are, who we want and what we want. there are no definite stages of growth like the baby stages, no direction past age eleven to thirteen. at any one moment something that began so great could leave us in the dust dead or worse... on the ground with wounds that will heal but still leave scars.

i had one stage that left me with a huge scar. when i was nineteen i had a good boyfriend, well i thought he was a good boyfriend. what i realized now if that he was a manipulator, he was a mean boy and he was a lair. during this time we had sex, at first approved and then not and at that point i got pregnant. not a pregnancy that i wanted and yet something that has effected me on mothers day even now. i will not tell you what i did, for it is none of your business but the whole thing put me off to men. pushed me off onto a bunch of years where even in a relationship there was not trust for the man on my arm. i did what i wanted and i let each of them go without too much thought. some loved me and some were just for fun... either way each of them were a learning experience.

when i thought i was ready for love i went out gun ho for it. i fell for someone that was not perfect, no where near perfect and not really what i wanted. that is probably why so many years later i blame him for so much. i was so stuck in the ideal of marriage and family, going that next step, etc that i put blinders on myself. i chose someone that hurt me time and time again without even really realizing what it was doing to me. or what in the long run that it did to us.

yes the last couple of months have been hard, but i couldnt be where i am today without them. i couldnt be where i am today without my entire life and all of its ups and downs. all of its great and shitty moments. even with each one being what it is, i regret none of them. i have lived and i have learned. i am stronger from some and much much weaker from others.

the other night i had a party. a little get together that was planned. a little cooking, a little drinking and a lot of laughing. i brought people together that had never met each other and yet the laughter went into the late evening. it was a simple dinner, a simple concept and yet some of the most fun i have had in a long time. even my friend laughed when he told me that he couldnt keep his eyes off me. that i looked more like the person he knew me to be so many years ago and i agreed.

i was happy, it was so simple, i was happy. the road wasnt as long as i thought it was going to be to get back to this place. it didnt take years - it took being unemployed and having enough time to think things out... the hours were long and if i had something else to take up my time, well it probably would have taken years... yeah it definitely would have taken years. but now i am happy.

there have been people over the last couple of months. new friends and old. new love interests and old. each one of them getting a little fresher version of me and i say fresher because i have been stale for so long, like second day old bread. just doing the day to day because i had to not because i wanted to. being told that i needed to do better by making more money, but not really seeing any benefit from any of it. money was never a priority, my priority.

i have looked at each of my friends and taking from them what i needed. i have looked at each of my lovers and taking from them what i needed. i am now happy. i am not determined to find my true life, my next love and develop life into what i want, not what i need. today is simple, i will go and make each thing for me. each moment is mine to fulfill and live to the fullest. each moment is for smiling and laughing. each moment is for life and love. each moment is for me and i will not let one moment pass.

today i will give myself a nice little oasis so that i dont get away from life but i sit in its sunshine. i will sit in its sunshine and drink of its new opportunities. this life is for me and even with its downfalls i will learn, but never regret. now all i have to do is make it though this week and perhaps i will get that kiss, you know who you are.

wrapped in someone else's arms feeling myself scared

the other night i was wrapped in my lovers arms. quietly starring at his ceiling and thinking about the what, when, where, how and why of our first encounters. his breath in my neck, his scent covering every inch of me.

was i trapped? i could have easily moved his arms and escaped the situation. did i want to? did i like where i was at or was i again scared? there have been so many times that i have been in a similar situation and when my car was within walking distance. easy enough to grab the clothes all over the floor and slip out the door away from the whole thing. in the dark night driving the however many miles back to safety. back to my safety. this time i stayed, this time... next time who knows?

talk about complicated... talk about trying to figure things out without getting emotionally involved. like any true Sag, i am one that likes, no loves, no lusts for my freedom. i have been trapped and without the power in my hands, in my control. well we have a situation like a wolf caught in a trap. do i allow the hunter to shoot me between the eyes and take my dead carcass inside to do with as he pleases, eating me or stuffing me and placing me as a trophy on his wall. or do i chew through my arm and get away, damaged but on my own terms. allowed to frolic in the fields another day, week, month, year longer.

it is weird what each of us consider a trap. what each of us decides to do once we are caught in the situation. it is different for each of us. some of us fully accepting capture and willing to lay tame at a master's feet. some of us chewing through limbs so that we can live to play another day. and why of all the things that i equate the situation, i liken it to a trapped animal. for me, it must just be that intense.

i am a free spirit like a wolf, coming around people just enough to snarl and then lick my wounds heading off again into the woods. perhaps i come back to visit others because i am so severely wounded that i need the help of a kind soul to patch me back up. perhaps i was trapped for too long in something that i had no control over. there are so many unanswered questions and that is for another day, another blog. right? RIGHT!!

in any relationship there is the intense and the less than intense. i am definitely intense, you ask me anything and i will tell you. there are no bars to my brain, i just can't help it. i don't want them there, i have never wanted them there. but then there are others that just shake their head at me and want me to act a particular way, be a particular person and follow their rules. well f*ck their rules, i make my own!!!

it is my opinion that each one of us has broken a mold, broken out of something that has weakened us enough that we are allowed to again build ourselves strong again. however you do it, whether alone or shrouded in helpful words from friends, it is all the same, it is a strengthening. some of us get a little too strong for those around us and then it is time to move on and bring others into our life that match our strength allowing us to move ever forward. moving backwards has always been foreign to me, i may be off on a path to either side of me but never backwards.

i have priorities, i have wants, my dreams are my dreams and i work a little each day to hope at their accomplishment ever being bombarded by new thoughts and ideas. needing help from good girlfriends like ms. c, you know who you are love.

today is a different day as i lie in his arms. he came into my life in an odd way. his personality and zest for life seeming to be a drug that i cant get a fix on. not sure what the next step is and praying that i dont step on my own toes or worse his. i listen to his breath, i think. i ponder the next move, what should i do? i am totally questioning more things than i usually do, getting in my own way and not wanting to slow down.

this ride is different, it has been a long time since i felt like i was on space mountain in a relationship. ready for the ride, the rush the thrill the intensity but then also not knowing where the turns in the track are and if i am ready for a ride like that. i am in line, that is for sure, my foot tapping at the wait time. unsure if i go back to the ride that i have been on, the one that the track has lite and i know the outcome.

one is simple and one is complex. one is in light and one is in darkness.

i think i am sick of what i can see. i think i need to allow each foot to be steady and walk in front of the other in this new darkness, feeling for a moment then placing with a firm leg onto the surface. i think for once i don't need to know which way the track is going to turn. even though i am scared... i am.

i admit that i am scared, i admit that this is very very very unknown for me. i admit that the adrenaline is addicting, more addicting that anything or anyone has been in a long time. perhaps its because this ride is different, its not space mountain at all. it is a totally new ride, it may have been space mountain years ago but after some major construction is a better version with faster turns and better effects. this ride is different but i am still expecting the old space mountain.

the line moves forward and now it is the next day. the day that i awake, pack myself up, a little worse for the wear, but still alive, still ready. i put on my shoes and walk to my car as we say goodbye. the feeling that i have is weird just weird. i get in my car and my legs give out on me. totally, they are useless. i feel like a cripple, totally out of control. yesterday i was in control and then i lost it. i know why i lost it, i should have said no. i should have been the smart one and known my limits. i wasnt and i failed, feeling stupid and then the night starring at the ceiling.

the whole thing is too much, i think..... yes/no..... too much?!? i cant get the adrenaline out of my system. he gave me too much and now it courses. with every beat of my heart my body feels more alive not less. maybe i am sick. maybe i am a junkie. maybe i just need to stop cold turkey and let him make the next move. very rarely can i wait that long, very rarely can i give that control up. i contact him on my terms and with my wit being totally explained to myself in my own mind......

nope, still confused, still perplexed, still weirded out by the entire evening. the entire situation and my lack of control. i admit i wanted to jump him the second i saw him. i wanted to run my hands all over his skin and have him say dirty things to me, but control darling girl. control is the name of the game but never my game. no one has ever taught me any damn rules. so there is a game with me but dont think that it is ever the same. i protect myself by being ridiculous, being flirty and sexual, then trying to use a little psychology to my advantage......

the problem is with this one, he is smarter than i. way smarter than i, and i definitely admit that, actually proudly admit that and therefore the problem with my new addiction. in a short amount of time i have become completely addicted to him, totally and utterly, wanting way more than i can say… it is the toe thing again. i wont let someone else have that type of control again.... never....

plus there is the situation of my life still being a little bit in disarray. a little bit still stuck in my past - pissed at my last life, pissed at the f*cked up situation that it has currently left me in. no money, no love, feeling horrible… but thankfully nowhere near suicide, not even thinking about that horrible subject again. it surprised me that i even allowed it to grace my thoughts in that total moment of weakness and thankful that i had a good friend like alicia to talk me back from the edge of that cliff. i have blogged about it before and perhaps i will truly put into the words the event of that day that lead me to the edge of my metaphorical cliff and almost pushed me over.

this situation is different. there is a light in my heart that i haven’t felt in months and it is not the light of love for another, it is a glimmer than my heart is actually there again. that instead of the vacation that it had taken away from my body and far far way from my mind, there it sits. proudly back in my chest where it belongs beating again, listening to tunes or watching movies and smiling. it is…it is smiling again, wow what a shock. i thought it would take longer, i thought it would never truly come back, i thought it had taken the last life vest and dingy and completely abandoned ship. which oddly i was okay with, i wasn’t sure if i ever truly wanted it to beat again.....

over the months i have filled my life with new people, each of them teaching me something, teaching or telling me that i am so worth what i want from life. the last one didn’t say anything like that, but my heart noticed none the less and returned to its position. yet one more person that has helped me realize that there is so much more to life than the boring day to day life itself. so much more to everything and everyone than we might have remembered or placed on their shoulders....

my knees were weak all day, my heart beat still strong and last night, some days later, i awoke. it was as if from a coma, a coma i had placed myself in and wasn’t ready to yet remove myself from until last night. until last night i was dead inside and when i awoke it was as if he was by my bedside. neither of us knowing exactly why but him being there non the less.

i, still scared, unsure of my footing and not sure what tomorrow will bring. what i have realized is that i do look forward to tomorrow, i look forward to what is supposed to grace my life, what success, what people and what love will knock on my door and allow my heart to truly skip, hop and dance around my chest....

i have had two loves in my life, i have had two that have broken me up and made me cry but i am still willing to try, i still want to live and love and grow and be taught and learn and make mistakes. i will never be too old to make mistakes, perhaps this is a mistake, but it will never be a regret.

i cant tell you where to go because with this journey i am unsure myself but it is time to take off my shoes and wade into the water in front of me. perhaps i will be grabbed by a more steady hand to walk along side for awhile and perhaps i will fall in the ocean again, regardless the journey will be good, it will be fun and i am looking forward to it. that is as long as i can get out of my own way long enough to enjoy it. all i can hope is that i try that, i try getting out of my own way, trusting someone else for a moment, letting loose and living for once without worry but still scared....

take your own stock - thinking about your life and your successes

so this morning i was laying in bed and my head just started to fizzle. i have heard recently from so many of my friends that they are 'not happy'. they sit and review their life and they realize that so-in-so is in a better place than they are and that makes them sad, depressed, complacent, etc.

why do each of us, not matter how wonderful we have it, have to think that we have failed, that we arent good enough etc. it is because most of us were taught the old saying of ' the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'. we continue to look at what other people have and say 'i want'. instead of taking two second to realize or think that the people that are looking at our grass thinking its greener too.

why are we all so unhappy. fashion magazines makes perfectly beautiful women think that they are fat, unstylish and therefore unattractive. sports magazines sit there and tell me the same things in other ways - ie your muscles are too small therefore you are imperfect too. it is all improper bloody poppycock.

take stock of your own stock. recognize and confront your own goals. are you were you want to be? are you in a place that you need a little more a little less of whatever you may have, need or want.

what all of us need to realize is that each of us are responsible for our own destiny. those of you with spouses, children, etc. may have it a little harder to bring all of these thoughts together, but truly you will be the one in charge of you.

i had some hard decisions to make at the end of last year. i will give you each a little tidbit into my world. as i felt at the time that it had all come crashing down. the person that i loved was distant, my job was removed from under my ass, i was in a new place with no real friends and was at the lowest i have been ever. and for those that have known me since my teens, it was lower then the incident when i was 19, much much lower. i was at a point where i didn't think my stock was worth more than about a penny and that may have been pushing it.

well it took some really good friends to pull me out of my funk and turn my head from a clouded sobbing mess to a bright and cheery spirit again. take stock, give it a little while. buy a journal, sit with your family and discuss how they see your life.

everyone goes through depression, we all have our ups and downs. if you think about it, people have moods like the economy. when we are up, our stock is high, we are happy and easy going and loving life. even when something bad happens it isnt like water on a ducks back, shimmering and sliding down the feathers and back into the lake where it belongs. when we are down, we could have the best things that life can offer, but still there is the weight of our world on our shoulders and dark rain clouds getting our legs all wet with raindrops or worse creating puddles to deep to wade through.

take stock people. look at your own life. know that there is someone looking at your grass and being just as jealous of your fence, house and trees as you are of theirs. everything is relative. everyone is relative and this too shall pass.

i have a friend, we will call him d. the man just finished a divorce and closed a chapter on his life. his past love of more than a third of his life is over. yes it is a sad process to remove someone of that long from your life, but i look at his grass with jealous eyes of envy. he is employed, he has two beautiful children and he is healthy. d has himself in the way of his happiness as we all do. my friend j is much the same, she thinks her kids are the worst but when i look at hers they are more under control, happy and self-satisfied than a lot of other children that i know. i too take a look at her yard and am very envious, beautiful children, career, husband, home.

each of us must take stock of our own wants and dreams. do we have a plan for our life, are we following it, does it seem down to earth enough to make a reality... sometimes taking a moment away will help us all. take a picnic, buy a journal, take up a new hobby. what do you want to do? what will make you happy? believe me, there is so much to be praising for in your life. there is so much time to move forward and change. there is so much that we all need to take a break, remove our shoes, feel the grass under our feet and the sunshine on our faces. whether you are at the beach or in your own yard.... i dare you.

i dare you to take a few seconds and realize that what you have is not all that bad and if you heard enough from other people, you would realize that others are proud of you, what you have accomplished and where you are in your life. i dare you all to take stock, remove the negativeness from your thought and realize that life has not given baskets full of lemons, but beautifully planted tress that are full of blooms. and just because the buds may be small during certain times in your life does not remove them from the trees, just from your line of sight.

blessings to all, you have more than you realize, take time to take stock. you will be surprised what you truly are blessed with.....

sitting in the middle of myself

so right now i am sitting in the middle of myself. do you have one of those days. those are the days were you feel as if you arent a true part of yourself. as if your body and its limbs are doing their own thing and you are just the commander of a ship that has no known direction. well that is where is i am today. thank goodness for friends, ones that get you out of the house and to a movie.

i have direction in my life. i have wants and i have redefined dreams, but then things are still technically in the air. i hate technicalities, all they do is put the indian and the rainbow in my brain each and every time. problem is that i dont have the guide to know when the channel is planning on coming back on.

i have these great people in my life. some that seemed to come out of thin air and are complicating a plan, others that manifested the same way but seem to, well it seems like they are supposed to be here, in my life, right at this moment, right now. in march of this year, but beware the ides of march, literally right around the corner.

i am a weirdo, no better way to explain me. a little girl playing dress up, stealing mommys make-up and high heeled shoes, mixed with a vixen and formerly reformed bad girl that still knows how to give a boy the eye that makes him the only one in the room. problem is that really when youre the only one in my room you ARE THE ONLY ONE. simple and complex, well that is definately the typical girl. overcomplicating the simple man and ladies - they are simple.

men are simple, people play games and when we were younger it was fun to get down the path first, stepping over all others and moving faster and with more money to the end. the problem is that life isnt like the game of life, it is more like monopoly. you go around and around, losing money gaining property, gaining money losing property until you get so tired that you give up. simple right, nope nope NOPE complicated.

having someone sit across from you as a mirror is interesting, humiliating, daunting and exciting. i actually like seeing myself through someone elses eyes, especially when they are like me. tony and i are alike, actually scarily so. tony and i are both Sags, he pronounces sages, just to get my goat, i think, as well as we are libra decedents. we get along so well that it is scary and he is probably one of my best friends because we can truly call each other on things. so tony what do you see? i love tony because like i, he loves truth, hates bullshit and is ready to move forward. he is very much like the older brother that i never wanted, but got at a perfect time in my life. he knows more than anyone else and it is because i trust him and know he actually cares about me.

what do i do now? where do i go? what is the next step? i wants jacks compass... but then it wouldnt be working, another gizmo to complicate the machine and send it down the right, no wrong, no some path. well we will see. i have a perplexion, that will be his nickname for now. this perplexion is intriguing and we will see what happens. i like having a clue but right now there is no clue, no breadcrumbs and arms length....

i give up for today, i will go to the movies tonight, pack for my weekend and take a bath, perhaps things will be clearer tomorrow...... perhaps?

so a funny thing happened on the way to the internet....

so i had a name pop into my head the other day. a name that i havent said in years, thought about per say but havent verbally said. the reason for this is that the name was of a person from the past, not the recent past but back in high school.

high school being what it was, a bunch of kids rebelling from anything and getting into trouble any way that they knew how to. although it was rather safe trouble in the neck of the woods that i grew up in. simple, dull fresno with its dwindling fig orchards which deemed to an agricultural background, now a wasteland of shopping malls and people still wondering if and when they were going to leave. people here tend to get stuck.... just stuck. they leave for a while and then they return, a little worse for wear but ready to embrace mediocrity... ah sweet dumb and blind mediocrity.

what was worse was my high school. well i hated high school, not because i got picked on, not because of any real reason. i had boyfriends and girlfriends. i had fun and caused a good deal of trouble, well as much as one can that gets minor duckets in lunch money. it was just the stuck-upness of the people at my high school. i think more so because my high school felt like the 1950s, segregated as much as a school in the 1990s could be. worse than the clovis school since they didnt move around kids from 'disadvantaged' areas in clovis....

the kids that belonged at my high school well those kids had money and to them it might as well been monopoly money as they seemed to spend it that way.... the kids that had money ran the school and took the priveledged spot in front of the gym to park their brand new cars and sport their brand new clothes.... scary what i remember most was a blue, scratch that bright sonic blue bmw and a bunch of guess jeans....

that left the rest of us with our old cars, if we were lucky enough to get a car, or those being bused from the poorer neighborhoods so that we could all mingle as one happy family in the psycosis which is high school. what the mingling did was make us even more segregated than anywhere else and one of my main reason for wanting to run screaming from the whole town. it just seemed like a dreamland which i interpreted more as a nightmare than anything happy. i remember having dreams about semi-automatic shotguns and a quad full of yuppy preppy assholes and lots of shiny oozing blood.... yeah well i know it was warped but it put a nice little smile on my face in the afternoon as i walked through the quad from lunch to german class.

i tended to relate with the kids with little funds. my mother married my stepfather and in her words 'she married up'. my stepdad ran his own sucessful business and made great money for running around a job-site in custom osterich boots, a cashmere/mohair camel colored jacket and a cowboy hard-hat. we lived in a decent sized house with a pool in the backyard and the marge carson couches in the living room. my parents drove nice cars and we ate good food, but when my brother or i wanted money it was all about the slave labor. washing and waxing my step fathers gargantuin truck was a $30 payyday if we were lucky so to get enough money to go out. i was better wearing a short skirt and standing by the street with a sign... no not for prostituion - goodness i was a virgin till i was 17 1/2.

high school was just high school, it was times of making sure that your underwear wasnt showing when you walked out of the bathroom and that your lipstick wasnt coming off after a quick kiss with a boyfriend while walking down the hall. it was about getting caught in the newest rumor as long as it boosted your popularity rating and smiling.... that is what it was really about - smiling and laughing and having fun....

well that is what has been happening with this blast from the past. a boy that i had a little adventure with once upon a time, got annoyed with and walked away from.... not that anything would have ever happened, different stereotypes - different clicks - different lots in life.

so the other day i found him on that other more high school related website, i will let each of you guess until your faces are blue as 'i will never tell' and i poked him. poking is funny, too funny but it is what it is, poke poke poke baby. a lot of silly memories that i remembered but who knows if he would. i had the same thing with someone else and no memories, so why get my hopes up with this one.... poke poke poke, like a newer less creepy version of edgar allen. we will see what he does?? if he pokes back we send a note, if not - no harm no faul 'huh my little turtle dove'.

well he poked back, so i wrote on his wall and shortly he returned the scribble... quite interstingly i thought. do we play with the mouse or do we be the mouse and hide... well i have never been the one for being a mouse so the kat played back. and since then it has been an interesting ride. a ride that if the line was long i would have walked right past and never worried about looking back - kay sara sara - whatever will be will be. but NOW the poke has turned to scribbles which has turned to messages which somehow transformed to texts and an actual conversation in the span of a day or two.

its just weird, weird weird WEIRD i tell you and i am thinking that i could use sherlock and watson to help with some skills of deduction on how this might end up. the boy is different - he is a man and an educated man at that. i have gotten all my knowledge by climbing fences and listening to the wind. i have watched the masters and like a good little apprentice learned their skills. i have been taught by the stars and the moon which has allowed me to play with the big dogs when i dont get stumbled on my own words..... he isnt a boy, he isnt the boy that i got annoyed with and decided that we were too different to care.....

he is so different that my face wrenches into new positions with one eyebrow raised a little higher than the other and a grin that could out do the grinch on christmas eve... it is a thoughtful evil that comes into my head, a wrenching that i feel like i am playing my own game of tug of war.

'they all lie' pops into my head, thanks dave, i appreciate that one. that is not how my game of life is played, the card says i win a $1000 then i win a $1000 always forgetting the fine print discussing taxes since everyone and their mother wants my share... well getting back on topic, i think this may just be easier to take this at face value. he seems like he is willing to answer the questions that i may be willing to ask, so we will take it one day at a time and move forward, not side-ways, never backwards, just forward............

my silly five step plan to attraction

ok so i have been asked what i am attracted to by so many people that i am posting here so that instead i can be lazy and just send links out. for those that are lazy, dont even try to contact me. i can barely take care of myself as it is, but the last thing i am going to do again in my life is allow another man to treat me like the slave in the relationship because 'i do it better' and therefore he wants to me to do everything and basically live to be pampered....

it is varies simple to me when it comes to being attracted to someone that i want to begin a relationship with.

first and foremost i have to look at you and see you, see how pretty your eyes are, how nice your smile is and think damn i wonder wonder wonder what his lips would taste like. that is simple, it takes a picture without your sunglasses on or a hat on your head, simple for me to see you. if you can't show yourself then in my book you have already lost the race. the reason being that i am a cocky little girl, i came from beautiful parents and even though i will not win any beauty pagents... i have never been barked at in any public place. i can tell you this much, different boys with different looks attract me.... so don't think any one thing will gain you brownie points.

second, once i look at you and let my dirty mind run wild, you have to be able to speak. i will be the first one to look at you and say 'huh' but normally that means that i am paying actual attention instead of like so many others zoning out and thinking about the next pair of shoes to buy, my grocery list for tomorrow or any of the other massive amounts of things that i plan for myself on a daily basis. when it comes to speaking i want to see your passion for what you love, i want to know what you do and how you grace life with your pressence, what makes you different from others and if it all comes out right then i am really thinking i wonder wonder wonder what his lips taste like.

third is the kiss and to me one of the most important points in getting to know someone. you may get through stage one and stage two but if your kiss lags then i tend to fall behind. a kiss is the very passion of a relationship and the reason that we girls tend to hold onto that moment so much. if you are with me i don't want you kissing other girls, and if i love your kiss then i will want it all over my body. when it comes to my kissing i like them hard and soft, i like lips pursed and i like tongue. it is one of the best things and as old as i am, i totally like making out with someone for hours on a couch, even though i know that my parents arent going to butt in on me. a good kiss makes my body quiver and if you really know how to kiss then pull me close to you and do it and keep doing it and i will be yours.

once we get to step four which tends to the longest of the whole process will be when i really want to get to know you. this isn't just the normal over dinner small talk. i want to know your dreams, where you are going with them and what your personal plans for the future are. the first three steps are a simple combination of head, heart and body and step four is when the emotion of care will actually come into play. if you can get into and through step four then step five is a killer.

step five is sex, not making love for this girl. for to 'make love' to someone i have to be 'in love' with somone and normally my sagittarius lusty nature gets the best of me before it goes there. i like sex and sex with the right person is like firworks on the fourth of july. but i want all stages of sex, its the whole ball game with me or nothing at all. advice to litle boys - sex with me is a tit for tat situation. i get - you get, bitte sagst ja!! (and if you don't know german that translates lazily to 'please say yes').

my stages are simple, if you fall out of one or the other we may be able to be friends but dont change yourself to try to fit into my mold. it isnt worth trying to change yourself as i will never again change myself for another person again in my life. if you cant take me as i am with all my faults, goodnesses, weakness and strength then you really dont want me and i am okay with that, i just hope you can be too.

have fun finding your love, i have been having a great time back to looking for my true love and as much as i gave you a little bit here, you will never get it all from me. my true next love will be my gunpowder making every part of me go off like the biggest brightest firework on fourth of july. heart, mind and soul combined to create perfection.

i have come to a fork in my road

so i have so many things going on with me right now, i am not quite sure where to go. i have some job opportunities, some that pay and some that dont. i have some romantic opportunities, some that are right and some that are wrong. basically i have come to a very complicated fork in the road.

let me back up a month or so..... in early january, i was bound and determined to get the hell out of beaumont. i am sick of being looked at for the way i dress, i am sick of the middle of nowhere mentality and i am sick of this huge house being filled with deceit and lies. i tried my best after he left to get the images out of my head, get the bad memories out of my head. i bought new bedding, i moved around rooms, i painted, etc but it didn't really change anything. i walk in the front door and whether he is here or he is gone i see all the failed dreams and all the lost future memories.

i dated, i thought about getting back into the game and it is a game. i found boys that were nice and those that were mean and those that were totally confusing. i found old flames that said hello and those that didn't reply, was found by old flames that i replied and those that i didnt.

when it came down to it, the last two months of last year were for figuring out if i wanted to keep him, if we could make it work and if we could try again with me forgiving him and him forgiving me. he made it about bills and responsibility and didnt want to understand what depression that i was in. that it was hard enough to get up in the morning or even get out of bed. he said he was depressed and that he understood but i dont think he did and i dont think he ever will. that is why all the people i talked to said i could do better, all these people that were even supposed to be his friends said to get out and save myself.

so when he came to talk to me at the end, shortly after the new year i cut him off, i told him no and i wanted out. for the prior two months i wanted him to tell me that i was worth fighting for, that we were good together and that he still wanted me, that he didnt want her and that he wanted us to work. he never did, he just let me talk and cry and at the end i was empty again. i had spent all this time trying to think things out placing my emotional state as a priority and he put my financial state as a priority. i still wonder what he would have said if i just let him talk, what he wanted. i still wonder but then i also dont think he really knows.

so i was ready about 90% so to move forward, with just a little bit of my heart and mind stuck in the prior relationship. 90% of me ready to move forward with someone that wants the same things as i do, ready for the same things that i am and ready for me in the state that i am, probably my weakest in years. worrying about more than just things right in front of me and worried about making the same mistakes as last time.

as for the jobs, i have an opportunity to work for a new venture, a venture with great potential but one that i have walked along this road before. i feel bad because i can't really put my whole heart in it, the way i did last time even if it may work out better. i will try but then i am not sure if i can really try anywhere near as hard as i did last time. my faith is a little shot..... then there is my line and my fashion company and for the first time in year i have more faith in myself because i am giving it to myself. so tomorrow i sew, i take pictures and i place on the website. i write my business plan and i look for donors, business partners and sponsors. i can do it, i do it all by myself, so what is a couple of people to help. i even have a great idea for a name, one that truly makes things b.

so it is all up in the air, the great boys and the great jobs will just have to fall into place, those that i am ready for and are ready for me will stick and those that arent will fall by the wayside. it will suck if i lose people i may care for, but its my life and its all about me right now. even if i am stuck at a fork, even if they all look the same and i am not sure which way to travel. i think for now i will give it a little time and sit at the bench that is near the roads. i will sit and relax for the path that is the right path, the correct path should show its way. hopefully just not too long, i get antsy and sooner or later i may have to pee.....

so the evils of the day are over and i think i know what i want

i have spent the day with some of my favorite people in the entire world, people that even when they are upset or pissy with each other still make me jealous for what they have. and what they have is out of this world, outstanding, overcome almost anything love. it is the kind of love that they dont write about because it isnt fairy tale love, it is better it is true life world love.

a woman and a man that have know each other since third grade... i was there i know. we all used to play family together.... me, jackie, dave and nikita. i have kept in touch with jackie since third grade, the best friend that i have ever had. my one true friend that knows everything about me and even as warped as i am accepts me for all my faults.

i drove down to san diego on friday, happy friday the 13th. i promised over a month ago that i would watch their darling children, matthew and elizabeth. two of the cutest children that i have ever seen, but then i am in that phase of 'every baby is cute'. the reason i know is because i want one too. this is not the normal 'kelly just wants, what she wants because someone else has it' which if you know me is normal. it is the little kid in me that stomps my foot and says i want because {pointing my finger at someone else} they have it....

i always thought my life would go a certain way. you get a job, figure yourself out, as much as you can without paying a shrink $10K a year to tell you what you feel or think or whatever your issues with your mutha and fatha.... find a person that makes you smile and build a life with them. building a life meaning buying cars and homes and furniture, creating new lives and raising them without screwing them up too much, planning graduations and weddings and anniversary parties and baby showers, etc. living life, creating and nuturing love and following the plan, not one set in stone just one with flexible timelines and flexible goals.

i found the man, the one i wanted babies with, the one i wanted to grow old with, the one that i wanted to create a home with and love until i was old and gray. it just didn't happen that way, it seemed we wanted different things and we lost that communication in the long run. it is eight years that i am not sure if i feel wasted or feel that the experience was needed to complete myself more. any thoughts? any pysch md charge free thoughts?

are the people we bring into our lives all supposed to teach us something? are we supposed to use each as a stepping stone? and once we are past that first relationship/marriage/commitment, etc. when can we get back into someone else - in an instant or should we wait? when do we know when it is right to put ourselves back into a real relationship?

sleeping around tends to be key.... for some its just because the non-commitment is easier - i say boys tend to go this way. once they are ready for someone though it is as if the train will keep on the track til it hits the right station, and just like the post office slogan from days past, they will get the job done through rain and sleet and whatever.

then there are those that go from relationship to relationship - never stopping to smell the roses or spend a little time alone to figure themselves out or what they may have learned from the last relationship, its almost like a child - they get bored with one toy and off they are to the next one. the brighter and shiner and newer the better. i don't think these people will ever learn or grow, they just don't want to be alone and when one relationship gets too complicated, which in the adult world - relationships do every once in a while get complicated, they are off and onto the next thing. the closer the easier and the better. making excuses for why they don't want to try to uncomplicate the relationship or try to fix, just off off off.....

then there are those that take a second and think. look back at the previous relationship and learn... well maybe just think. think about what they didnt like, what they did like, how we changed, if we want to change back, if we may just be or are too complicated and want to become a hermit or gigalo or whatever... we tend to want to learn and expand from our mistakes, if we see them that way. we start looking for someone that will compliment us, take us for who we are - regardless of our faults, make us feel like the sun, moon and the stars. as long as we can leave our baggage behind us and trully move forward. and i am talking not even a small carry-on, leave it all.

the second you are in a new relationship, it is my opinion, that you should share. i tend to over share but if someone is cool with that then there shouldnt be a problem. you both need to share - your dreams, your wants, your aspirations, your plan. even if little things will change or be modified in one person or the other the communcation is best.

also this tidbit is key!!! never go to bed angry. i have heard this from so many. if you want to walk away or they want to walk away when a discussion needs to be had it will never work. they will be bitter or you will be bitter. sleeping on the couch is not an option for me. never again will i let the person that i love walk away from me when we need to talk about something. never again will i let him sleep on the couch and be mad for the entire night. fighting and making up go hand in hand, you need to come to a conclusion - make up and apologize - then fall asleep in each others arms.

what i have finally figured out is that love is simple. it is simple to love the people that are in your life and that you care about. it is relationships that are hard, communication is hard and people can be downright stubborn. if you need to fight make sure that you truly care about what is being fought over. stains in the carpet happen, dents in car doors happen, life happens. chose what is important to you and keep that your priority, keep only the important stuff as a priority.

if you find that your other doesnt care about something, ask them why. dont just get mad/angry/upset with them because they dont put as much weight or value on something as you do. most have good reason, most have good sense as to why they dont and there is nothing wrong with that. things will always be there tomorrow and sometimes you can put it off. sometimes there are heavier things weighing them down. talk before you get angry, talk before you get frustrated, talk before you lose what you have and what you love.

lastly dont try to change people. we are all old enough to know what our faults are or at least most of them. we dont need someone that we love reminding us of them. we try on our own to do better and may relapse at any time because its primal to us. each of us has great things and ungreat things. build someone up with their great things, be their cheerleader, help them through and you will become closer and better together. telling someone you care about how much they suck doesnt do anything, that is what friends are for. friends tell you when you suck. not to say that someone you care about shouldnt, but it is personally much harder to hear from a lover than a friend, for me.

all i want to impart is that no one is perfect. i love each person in my life for who i am and hope that they do the same as warped as i can be sometimes. i accept you, can you accept me and the others that grace your life with love or do you want to run away and hide from everyone. the choice is yours, its your life and you are the only one that can make yourself truly happy. what do you need to do it?