i have come to a fork in my road

so i have so many things going on with me right now, i am not quite sure where to go. i have some job opportunities, some that pay and some that dont. i have some romantic opportunities, some that are right and some that are wrong. basically i have come to a very complicated fork in the road.

let me back up a month or so..... in early january, i was bound and determined to get the hell out of beaumont. i am sick of being looked at for the way i dress, i am sick of the middle of nowhere mentality and i am sick of this huge house being filled with deceit and lies. i tried my best after he left to get the images out of my head, get the bad memories out of my head. i bought new bedding, i moved around rooms, i painted, etc but it didn't really change anything. i walk in the front door and whether he is here or he is gone i see all the failed dreams and all the lost future memories.

i dated, i thought about getting back into the game and it is a game. i found boys that were nice and those that were mean and those that were totally confusing. i found old flames that said hello and those that didn't reply, was found by old flames that i replied and those that i didnt.

when it came down to it, the last two months of last year were for figuring out if i wanted to keep him, if we could make it work and if we could try again with me forgiving him and him forgiving me. he made it about bills and responsibility and didnt want to understand what depression that i was in. that it was hard enough to get up in the morning or even get out of bed. he said he was depressed and that he understood but i dont think he did and i dont think he ever will. that is why all the people i talked to said i could do better, all these people that were even supposed to be his friends said to get out and save myself.

so when he came to talk to me at the end, shortly after the new year i cut him off, i told him no and i wanted out. for the prior two months i wanted him to tell me that i was worth fighting for, that we were good together and that he still wanted me, that he didnt want her and that he wanted us to work. he never did, he just let me talk and cry and at the end i was empty again. i had spent all this time trying to think things out placing my emotional state as a priority and he put my financial state as a priority. i still wonder what he would have said if i just let him talk, what he wanted. i still wonder but then i also dont think he really knows.

so i was ready about 90% so to move forward, with just a little bit of my heart and mind stuck in the prior relationship. 90% of me ready to move forward with someone that wants the same things as i do, ready for the same things that i am and ready for me in the state that i am, probably my weakest in years. worrying about more than just things right in front of me and worried about making the same mistakes as last time.

as for the jobs, i have an opportunity to work for a new venture, a venture with great potential but one that i have walked along this road before. i feel bad because i can't really put my whole heart in it, the way i did last time even if it may work out better. i will try but then i am not sure if i can really try anywhere near as hard as i did last time. my faith is a little shot..... then there is my line and my fashion company and for the first time in year i have more faith in myself because i am giving it to myself. so tomorrow i sew, i take pictures and i place on the website. i write my business plan and i look for donors, business partners and sponsors. i can do it, i do it all by myself, so what is a couple of people to help. i even have a great idea for a name, one that truly makes things b.

so it is all up in the air, the great boys and the great jobs will just have to fall into place, those that i am ready for and are ready for me will stick and those that arent will fall by the wayside. it will suck if i lose people i may care for, but its my life and its all about me right now. even if i am stuck at a fork, even if they all look the same and i am not sure which way to travel. i think for now i will give it a little time and sit at the bench that is near the roads. i will sit and relax for the path that is the right path, the correct path should show its way. hopefully just not too long, i get antsy and sooner or later i may have to pee.....