not looking forward to valentine's day

so it is nine days until valentine's day and i think i am metaphorically sick. i have realized that this will be the first valentine's day that i will literally be alone and it is saddening. for the last couple of years we haven't been able to celebrate valentine's day on the actual day because i had school/work or he had work but this year is the first year that i am alone and i am not quite sure how to handle it.

i was smart, when i realized that i would be alone before i tried to rectify the situation. i volunteered my babysitting services to my best friend. i did it because it is the first time that her and her husband are back in a place where i can help them, back in CA and only an hour and a half away. i really did it to allow them the night away from the kids and to have a nice night by themselves. i haven't been dating anyone that asked to spend the evening with me and like new years, it is a hard holiday to spend alone, but the realization of many things is hitting fast as the holiday approaches.

like any holiday that produces feelings of longing or loneliness i totally blame the media. the news brings out all the sappy stories and the commercials of jewelry and gifts and candies and other shit just help prolong the agony. then if you are lucky, and by all means please read the sarcasism in this, enough to also subscribe to premium movie channels then you have all the sappy sappy movies that talk about love and lose and feelings. yuck! yuck!! yuck!!!

don't get me wrong, if i have someone to wrap my arms around and cuddle on the couch with, i love valentines day. i wear my red dress and red shoes which as cheesy as it is, I have had for years... it only gets worn once a year and carefully put back in a little box, but this year it has stayed in the box. i did have it out but then the other day i walked in and looked at it and the next thing i knew i was on the floor of my closet in a huddled sobbing mess.

i am a girl, as much as i try to fake it, i am a girl. i like shiny sparkly things. i like being held. i like being told that i am pretty, that i smell nice and that my smile lights up a room. i like being liked, i love being loved and when i have someone they know they are the only one. unfortunately i found out shortly after the new year that last year, my only one had another one. that is also something that is hard to get through, hard to wrap my head around and keep my heart away from.

my heart is having its own issues. it doesn't really feel anything anymore. its like the boy in the bubble, watching from the sidelines but not wanting to go out and play for fear that it will get hurt. it doesn't want to even try. it actually turns it back to the people in the world many times and just sits and crys. i feel it, it is so small right now that the space that it once filled is vacant. its like a pebble inside the ocean. it hurts less and less but it still hurts. i don't think it is anything that i can do, and what i mean by i is my brain.

i was sitting in sf last weekend talking to chrissi about my drama, the drama that i still can't really wrap my head around. my heart still wrenching a little from it and thus the hiding. my head wanting to ask questions, lots of questions that it knows he wont answer and not sure if i even want to hear the answers to anyways.

my mother keeps saying the same thing "adorable and useless". the problem is that she has said it in front of my stepfather many times. a man she has been married to for now twenty years. i am not sure if she actually means it or is just saying it for me. should i really consider men "adorable and useless"? doesnt that perpetuate the entire situation, the us-them bullshit. wouldn't it warp me for any relationship that i try to have in the future? i truly think the same can be said of women, we too can be "adorable and useless". maybe its just because i have a different mental dynamic of a relationship between a man and a woman.

i feel that each has certain things that make the relationship better. women can multi-task, but it also makes us scatterbrained. men can be single minded, but at least they can get it done without too many thoughts coming into their brain and distracting them.

i want a true partnership. i want someone that knows when they have a bad day that i will be there with my arms wide open ready to surround them with love and warmth. i want the same in return. i want every detail of our home to be discussed and agreed upon, i want ever aspect of our lives to be discussed and agreed upon. i want a true partnership, give and take on both ends.

so this valentine's day even though i will be without that special someone, i don't deny that he is out there, that i will find him and that i will be happy again. that my heart will heal and that it will strive again and come out and play with all the other children in the neighborhood. that i will be open to love and for love again. it just takes time right? it just takes time.