There was a point in June 2012 that I cracked. I went to work, I sat at my desk and I fell apart crying. I had a man in my life that was self-destructing and I couldn’t help him. Like many times in my life I placed all the blame on myself instead of looking at the situation from outside. After that breakdown I sought therapy and was kindly helped by Linda Bahnsom, a marriage and family therapist, since retired, and we worked through the issues I had with my husband and with my mother. I took some time off work, tried my hardest to re-center my heart, soul, and mind as one. It worked and after two months I went back to work.
That was a bad move on my part. Work was too intense, and the Zen-like feeling that I had accomplished with therapy and calm living was instantaneously gone. I felt like I was in a cloud, when I did do something positive then I had it taken away from me… and when I did something wrong I felt like it was amplified as high as the Himalayas... regardless after talking to my physician, he advised a longer leave to re-center myself (again) and look for other employment if they couldn’t move me to another department that was less stressful.
While I loved the people I worked with and what I did, it was the politics that caused my inner turmoil, it was too intense. Like coming off the greatest vacation you’ve ever been on and then going to work the next day in 4 hours of one-way traffic on a 2 mile commute while some asshole steals your lunch each and every day. In November I left again, I focused on my roommates, my friendships and my family. Christmas was hard because I was single again… which meant all the other holidays were looking to suck and then I met Chris.
Chris and I had known each other since high school, had crushes on each other complicated by friends. A friend that warned me before dating him telling me he was selfish and he lacked worth. I ignored her because it was so nice to feel wanted by someone again. When you have been lonely and then you get the touch of a human hand, you grab it. You want to hold on to it, regardless if later that hand hits you smack on the cheek or worse breaks your heart and betrays your trust.
We started dating in December 2012, and after one date he asked if I would come and spend some time at his place. From then on I spent from Tuesday through Friday at his house each week. It was nice because I could get away from my roommates and spend time in a decent house with a big TV. I cooked dinner for him most nights and we’d cuddle up in bed and fall asleep. He said “I love you” first, he gave me a key to his house and money to buy groceries. He praised me for being strong, for taking care of myself and for love him. He took me to one of my favorite places for Valentine’s day and we laughed and loved and created peace like I hadn’t had in a long time. He told me about his troubles, what he was thinking and how me hurt. We shared and he told me that his life was the best it had ever been with me. That is until I said I maybe pregnant. Then he shunned me, then he didn’t return my “I love you’s” and he stopped communicating with me altogether. I went to his house one night to try to talk, to try to understand and he said he just needed time, but then that was it. From I love you to nothing was how he treated someone that was bringing him nothing but love and care.
In late April I confirmed that I was pregnant, and even after telling him he got crueler. I didn’t think it was possible but he got even meaner, crueler, happy if I aborted it and that was all he would say. In May he returned my things. In June, I found another doctor to talk to, on the advice of my OB, I needed to make sure that I would be ready for this child, that I wouldn’t harm her, and that I would be happy by her arrival as I felt I was. Thank you Dr. Marcelle Pratt, you saved my life!! In July I saw him to try to talk to him again about the baby, about what “we” were going to do and about the next steps. He remained silent, playing with my phone charger card. In October I was encouraged by my doctors to contact him once more, I wrote a letter and sent an email saying when the baby was due, what gender it was, where I was giving birth and all the details, hoping he would contact me and want to be a part of her life but nothing. All I received back was more cruelty and hurt so I finally gave up. I would not put my child through harm by his hands.
I had my little girl, adorable and sweet, looking to me for take care of her. My parents have been nothing but loving and supportive. My family knows about her. Thinking I would never hear from him again, but I was not right. And now we are up to date…
There will be more to come but for now I had to bring you all up to date since my head is in random mode, like when you flip through channels trying to find something to watch but not focusing on anything… that is where I am at right now, so more when I can focus…
