Tonight I sit up for different reasons, more than to do with feelings than thoughts. I have some great people that I am worrying about. Some people that are going through hard times, unsure of what the future holds, broken by people they loved as well as this great economy that we live in. It has been hard for all, whether you have a job or not, a relationship or not, a child or not, a life or not, a (fill in the blank here) or not. Too much to think about, too too much to think about but yet here I sit with my head flowing with people I love and the stresses, drama and problems that they are dealing with.
It is hard to watch someone you love hurt, suffer or feel lost. I have always held my friends in my hand, wanted every possible happiness for them as long as it was a healthy happiness. As long as the path they were traveling was toward light and not toward darkness. But so few can see the light sometimes, the path is so dim because it is covered with trees. And worse is when you can’t see the path in any way around you and you just sit down, feel broken and cry.
I sit and worry while I keep silent. Sometimes you just have to do that, as much as you may love someone you have to go silent. Fade into the darkness until they call for you. Speaking when a friend is lost, broken, unhappy, etc. can be one of the worst things. You can, in your compassion, actually cause more harm than good. Especially through emails and texts - the greatest things being words are interpreted by the reader how the reader sees fit. You may have the greatest intentions and yet even on a normal day words and their intentions can be read wrong. One of my favorite people complained of this just the other day during a visit, he shook his head at a text message and paused before replying back to it for some time to insure he was not mean because he took said text as such. All of this reminds me of a great quote which says “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” - Samuel Johnson, 1775.
Is it a bad thing to walk away from a friend when they may seem at their weakest point, perhaps… I was very very weak last year. I was broken and suicidal. I had no faith in people and while it was not my fault, which I realize only now, at certain points I did need to been alone. I needed to get on my hands and knees and feel out my path in the darkness. My path had turned from light to darkness in a second, and gave me no sense in any direction of which way to move. It was a very scary time for me, but also a time of great growth, great review and great reorganization.
My perception of my life was very different than others perception of my life. I realized that I protected my husband, I gave into his wants even when they were not my own, I let him say and do horrible things to me and all while instantly forgiving him. I let him break me, I let him change me, and I let him warp my mind and my morals. I gave so much to him because he was my husband and because in my mind once you marry you don’t walk away. There are vows that were taken, implied or said they had been ingrained in me since I was little. I picked him and I was going to make it work even if I was a shell of a person I was going to try and try and try my hardest to make him happy.
As horrible as it was to find out what was happening in my house and right under my nose, it was him doing it, not me, NOT ME! A relationship only works if both people work at it, if both people accept to progress down the path of life together, hand-in-hand and relying on each other each time one of you shall stumble. And stumbling will and does happen. You will very rarely both be walking tall through the entire journey, but the faith is that one of you will. Hands holding each other through each step, even when the path is dim and neither of you can see.
The problem is truly looking at that person, truly seeing that person. Removing all falsities, some of us can while others still feel a sense of obligation even perhaps a sense of guilt. Do they make you want to stand tall as a mighty oak or do they take an axe to your kneecaps? When you falter, do they wrap their arms around you and protect you or are they helping dig your grave? I know any of you sitting here reading this are thinking “how could someone…” but I tell you they do. The people that are supposed to be our #1 supporter can be the detriment to our entire being with one action. One word, one call and one thought. They can wreck our entire being and make us not repairable.
I have reached out my hand to a couple of people as of recent. Some that asked with their mouths and others with their eyes. I remember bringing myself from brokenness as if super-gluing together a vase that had shattered into thousands of tiny unrecognizable pieces. Gluing one piece into a spot and realizing it didn’t fit there and looking for the right piece. It is a time of very quiet contemplation. It is a time of great solace because even when you look in the mirror you are upset with the person you see. Dark circles that show the true us even through the façade that we manifested.
A façade is not good, truth even when it hurts is what each of us needs. We all go through patches of bad mixed with patches of good. WE ALL DO! No one’s life is perfect and even the best intentions end up hurting the intender or the intended. For some of the people that I love, and you know who you are, it is safer for me to pull away. I have said what I have said only to protect each of you. I have done things to try to bring you back from what shattered you only because I understand where you are, but this is the time that you and only YOU shall have to get on your hands and knees and feel your way towards the dim light in front of you. I am sorry that I could not be a better friend but this will be your dark time…. Just know that when you do call out my name, I will come back out of the shadows, pick you up, dust you off and hand you my hand and my flashlight. I love you all more than you know and know you can do this.
You can repair yourself and you need to fill your life with those that make you want to be an oak and wrap their arms around you for not themselves but for you. Be what YOU want! Do not shatter further! You can review all your sadness, remove all the falsities and start to see the light on your path. You will have to squint a bit but know that YOU CAN.
