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| why do i fee like my life is... |
i have always been a pretty level headed person, as long as i know the facts. when i know the facts i make decisions that are in my best interest. i think about things and i figure it out. i take the time and no matter how bad things could be i walk away, or i stick to it. i have never had a person that had any type of ideal anything in my life. i didn't get the life i wanted, i have never really gotten the things that i wanted... and after many years of struggling through bad things turn worse, i have finally realized that my life is not my decision.
yesterday on thanksgiving, i heard my step brother say that he was "thankful for the struggle of life, because without the struggle he wouldn't know what was good" and that was definitely food for thought. my life has been a struggle, a struggle i do not share very often or with very many people. partially because i didn't want to be judged, partially because i didn't think people wanted to hear me whine, but mostly because i wanted it to seem on the outside like i had it ALL together.
keeping it ALL together is exhausting, and so for the last few years i have been opening up a little more. i have sought out professional help which i will never not share my experience with that. it was originally what i wanted to do, i wanted to help others with mental struggles, so the respect that i have for the profession is no short of enormous. i miss having the type of insurance that allows me to see my psychologist on a weekly basis. i miss her, i could use her help right now, BIG TIME. as i am sure that she would say certain things that would wake up my sensible self, who would then kick my emotional self's ASS.
with that being said that is always the struggle i have. the struggle between my brain and my heart. the worse thing about this situation is that my heart has been the first to give up. the words it once shared were never as strong as they were in years past, but then it is because the amount i was ready to give in regards to my heart was small in comparison to years past. where i could cop it up to still being shattered from the actions of another, the truth was that i knew this situation was not going to be easy. it was not going to be a fun romantic type relationship as it was riddled with problems from the start. the problems were ones i was coming into, not ones i was creating... but nonetheless they were there.
i want to yell... i want to blame... i knew i gave warnings from the get go, i know that i tried hard to protect myself. i have pulled back, i have removed feelings, i have replaced the chain length fence, with a cinder block, then a brick one... now feeling like the only way to truly protect myself is with cold war armed guards on posts with automatic machine guns. i know i am already doing that with the sharpened knives that disguise themselves as words of concern, are really only trying to get answers so that i can feel in the right. because if i feel in the right, and know the answers then i can feel vindicated, right?
all i do know right now is that i didn't sign up for this. like a cable contract that gave me this screamy deal in the beginning, i have hit the end of the contract and was given a new contract with new verbiage that is written in Chinese symbols. as much as i don't want to "grill" anyone, i do deserve answers to the questions that i seek. not for my heart, not for my head, but to get back the sleep that my body deserves... if i can't sleep then i am no good for the things that do need me in my life, which right now are my daughter and my school. right now, i will have to ask and receive the right information so that i can make the right decisions. i can no longer listen to the voice in my head that gives too much care to the situation... i need answers to put the skeptic at bay and keep me, not my heart or my head but my entire being, safe.
