mind vs. heart

that is IT! she is locked up and i am done.... all she does is whine and cry when i let her out and i am sick of hearing it... do you know what incessant crying does to someone's brain... it drives you to drastic measures and i have hit my limit. i have crusaded through the wilderness to find the one that she will accept. the one with the dark eyes no light eyes, no burly and strong or was it intelligently geeky.... wait now i'm even more confused... the hunt was great, the gathering easy but the presentation dreadful.

i gagged her so i can't hear her cries, i tied her up so no more shuffling and i locked the door stuffing towels under the door... so sick of that whiney heart wanting something that no matter where i search or who i bring her as a sacrifice to appease her, i just walk away dragging them by the hair with their big eyes looking up at me as if it's my fault that she dismissed them...

i am rational and yet she is emotional and no matter what she says to try to explain to me what she truly needs to make her happy, i bring her the willing participant who places himself at her feet asking but that she touches his cheek and she turns away pointing them and I to the door. THAT BITCH IS CRAZY! she doesn't really know what she wants, either that or she is back to watching romantic comedies, thinking there is some bit of fact in that drivel that kills my rational thoughts each and every time... what am i supposed to do to make her happy and how am i supposed to live when she is so unhappy... I GIVE UP!

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and i sit here metaphorically gagged and bound in this little room with no windows and a locked door... what am i supposed to do? the one i first choose, tightened his laces and decided to walk in a different direction and no matter how tight i wanted to hold him back, she kept telling me to let him go. she said "if it is right he will return to me" but still his footsteps down my drive linger and are slowly filling with earth as the days add to months and soon to a year.

why can't i be content with the beautiful offerings that she brings me, each one complimentary but the feelings just aren't there... maybe the feelings are gone from everything... maybe if i decide to prick my finger nothing will come out... maybe i have been given the last opportunity at what i wanted and i choose wrong. maybe what was supposed to happen all those nights ago shouldn't have been stopped and what was left of me could have followed the others down the drain while she rose to the heavens.

i don't know what to tell her anymore, i know she worries, i know she cries hearing me in angst, in harm, thriving for touch, striving for love and wanting perfection... well not ideal godly type perfection - just he that is perfect for me. maybe i don't deserve perfection... maybe i only deserve to sit and hope that one day she will deliver my perfection to my doorstop and i will touch his face and he pulls me close to him and gives me that kiss that makes my stomach jump, my heart pump and my toes tingle... what am i supposed to do to make her happy and how am i supposed to live when she is so unhappy... I GIVE UP!