lost in translation

why do i fee like my life is...

i am up this early for one reason, and one reason alone... my brain won't stop working in overdrive.  do i wish it could stop, well HELL YES. do i wish i knew the answer, again HELL YES. do i know how to  bring it to a resolution, well... uh... no... if i knew how to bring it to a resolution, i wouldn't be up all night thinking about it. the only true way to do it is to ask questions, i am not sure i want  answers to and to rely on half answers that don't really give me true resolution to the problems that  plague my head and now my sleep.

i have always been a pretty level headed person, as long as i know the facts. when i know the facts i  make decisions that are in my best interest. i think about things and i figure it out. i take the time and no matter how bad things could be i walk away, or i stick to it. i have never had a person that  had any type of ideal anything in my life. i didn't get the life i wanted, i have never really gotten  the things that i wanted... and after many years of struggling through bad things turn worse, i have  finally realized that my life is not my decision.

yesterday on thanksgiving, i heard my step brother say that he was "thankful for the struggle of life, because without the struggle he wouldn't know what was good" and that was definitely food for thought. my life has been a struggle, a struggle i do not share very often or with very many people. partially  because i didn't want to be judged, partially because i didn't think people wanted to hear me whine,  but mostly because i wanted it to seem on the outside like i had it ALL together.

keeping it ALL together is exhausting, and so for the last few years i have been opening up a little more. i have sought out professional help which i will never not share my experience with that. it was originally what i wanted to do, i wanted to help others with mental struggles, so the respect that i  have for the profession is no short of enormous. i miss having the type of insurance that allows me to see my psychologist on a weekly basis. i miss her, i could use her help right now, BIG TIME. as i am  sure that she would say certain things that would wake up my sensible self, who would then kick my  emotional self's ASS.

with that being said that is always the struggle i have. the struggle between my brain and my heart.  the worse thing about this situation is that my heart has been the first to give up. the words it once shared were never as strong as they were in years past, but then it is because the amount i was ready  to give in regards to my heart was small in comparison to years past. where i could cop it up to still being shattered from the actions of another, the truth was that i knew this situation was not going to be easy. it was not going to be a fun romantic type relationship as it was riddled with problems from  the start. the problems were ones i was coming into, not ones i was creating... but nonetheless they  were there.

i want to yell... i want to blame... i knew i gave warnings from the get go, i know that i tried hard  to protect myself. i have pulled back, i have removed feelings, i have replaced the chain length  fence, with a cinder block, then a brick one... now feeling like the only way to truly protect myself  is with cold war armed guards on posts with automatic machine guns. i know i am already doing that  with the sharpened knives that disguise themselves as words of concern, are really only trying to get  answers so that i can feel in the right. because if i feel in the right, and know the answers then i  can feel vindicated, right?

all i do know right now is that i didn't sign up for this. like a cable contract that gave me this  screamy deal in the beginning, i have hit the end of the contract and was given a new contract with  new verbiage that is written in Chinese symbols. as much as i don't want to "grill" anyone, i do  deserve answers to the questions that i seek. not for my heart, not for my head, but to get back the  sleep that my body deserves... if i can't sleep then i am no good for the things that do need me in my  life, which right now are my daughter and my school. right now, i will have to ask and receive the  right information so that i can make the right decisions. i can no longer listen to the voice in my  head that gives too much care to the situation... i need answers to put the skeptic at bay and keep me, not my heart or my head but my entire being, safe.

Some random thinking…

It’s been a long time since I have written a blog and a lot has changed. I used this blog as a platform to write out the sadness I had in my heart from the actions taken by my ex-husband, as well as various other issues I saw in myself and my life. I saw this as a cheap form of therapy, one in which I could try to read and reread to access the situation better. I admit other than spelling errors that I never changed the blogs contents or the message I wanted it to portray. Even as jumbled as it was sometimes.

There was a point in June 2012 that I cracked. I went to work, I sat at my desk and I fell apart crying. I had a man in my life that was self-destructing and I couldn’t help him. Like many times in my life I placed all the blame on myself instead of looking at the situation from outside. After that breakdown I sought therapy and was kindly helped by Linda Bahnsom, a marriage and family therapist, since retired, and we worked through the issues I had with my husband and with my mother. I took some time off work, tried my hardest to re-center my heart, soul, and mind as one. It worked and after two months I went back to work.

That was a bad move on my part. Work was too intense, and the Zen-like feeling that I had accomplished with therapy and calm living was instantaneously gone. I felt like I was in a cloud, when I did do something positive then I had it taken away from me… and when I did something wrong I felt like it was amplified as high as the Himalayas... regardless after talking to my physician, he advised a longer leave to re-center myself (again) and look for other employment if they couldn’t move me to another department that was less stressful.
 
 While I loved the people I worked with and what I did, it was the politics that caused my inner turmoil, it was too intense. Like coming off the greatest vacation you’ve ever been on and then going to work the next day in 4 hours of one-way traffic on a 2 mile commute while some asshole steals your lunch each and every day. In November I left again, I focused on my roommates, my friendships and my family. Christmas was hard because I was single again… which meant all the other holidays were looking to suck and then I met Chris.

Chris and I had known each other since high school, had crushes on each other complicated by friends. A friend that warned me before dating him telling me he was selfish and he lacked worth. I ignored her because it was so nice to feel wanted by someone again. When you have been lonely and then you get the touch of a human hand, you grab it. You want to hold on to it, regardless if later that hand hits you smack on the cheek or worse breaks your heart and betrays your trust.

We started dating in December 2012, and after one date he asked if I would come and spend some time at his place. From then on I spent from Tuesday through Friday at his house each week. It was nice because I could get away from my roommates and spend time in a decent house with a big TV. I cooked dinner for him most nights and we’d cuddle up in bed and fall asleep. He said “I love you” first, he gave me a key to his house and money to buy groceries. He praised me for being strong, for taking care of myself and for love him. He took me to one of my favorite places for Valentine’s day and we laughed and loved and created peace like I hadn’t had in a long time. He told me about his troubles, what he was thinking and how me hurt. We shared and he told me that his life was the best it had ever been with me. That is until I said I maybe pregnant. Then he shunned me, then he didn’t return my “I love you’s” and he stopped communicating with me altogether. I went to his house one night to try to talk, to try to understand and he said he just needed time, but then that was it. From I love you to nothing was how he treated someone that was bringing him nothing but love and care.

In late April I confirmed that I was pregnant, and even after telling him he got crueler. I didn’t think it was possible but he got even meaner, crueler, happy if I aborted it and that was all he would say. In May he returned my things. In June, I found another doctor to talk to, on the advice of my OB, I needed to make sure that I would be ready for this child, that I wouldn’t harm her, and that I would be happy by her arrival as I felt I was. Thank you Dr. Marcelle Pratt, you saved my life!! In July I saw him to try to talk to him again about the baby, about what “we” were going to do and about the next steps. He remained silent, playing with my phone charger card. In October I was encouraged by my doctors to contact him once more, I wrote a letter and sent an email saying when the baby was due, what gender it was, where I was giving birth and all the details, hoping he would contact me and want to be a part of her life but nothing. All I received back was more cruelty and hurt so I finally gave up. I would not put my child through harm by his hands.

I had my little girl, adorable and sweet, looking to me for take care of her. My parents have been nothing but loving and supportive. My family knows about her. Thinking I would never hear from him again, but I was not right. And now we are up to date…

There will be more to come but for now I had to bring you all up to date since my head is in random mode, like when you flip through channels trying to find something to watch but not focusing on anything… that is where I am at right now, so more when I can focus…