so tuesday was a pretty crappy day. all in all it ended better than it started but only slightly because i hurt someone that i would have never intended to hurt but being the stubborn crazy female that i am, it was destined to end this way. kinda reminds me a little of the Gwen Stephani song "ex boyfriend" which repetitively states "i kinda always knew you'd end up my ex boyfriend" regardless the label on the situation i went from kinda interested to ridiculously infatuated and with that from funny to desperate.... looking back that is totally the way i read things now but hindsight always is 20/20.
it sucks because while i don't need any more 'friends' in my life, i am very happy with the select few that i have and trust... but i projected so much further down the road with this guy that i couldn't have backed up to meet him even if i would have 150% tried.
i guess the situation is this.... a relationship with someone begins at the first step that you take getting to know each other. you meet and begin down a path together, grabbing each other when one falters because the path is set in front of you, regardless how easy it may be to travel. i know that there have been times in my life where i have dropped the person's hand with i am walking with and either stopped or ran ahead. part of the issue is that regardless whether i have stopped or progressed past them, i still dropped their hand in the first place. dropping someone's hand is bad because if you bounded ahead over obstacles you may not find your way back and if you have stopped well the path may have gotten dark.
i feel that the beginning of the relationship is crucial but talking through texts and emails is not the same as talking in person. i can pull details where i know that i was reading them wrong and INTERPRETING the situation instead of understanding it. looking back i see that now but i dropped his hand and ran ahead because i saw these great ideals of what "could be" and not what was actually happening. what sucks is i have done it before and i am sure that i will do it again.
at this point i gave in and gave up. i turned off the emotions a couple times on him, i bounded ahead and then came back but i still forgot to grab his hand, i may have reached out but i didn't grab it and then bounding ahead i realized that i was ahead AGAIN and now i have lost him.
i did two very wrong things in this relationship... i interpreted writings like hieroglyphics and i didn't reaffirm the translations in person. the horrible things is that he is really a great guy and he can't even see it. he asks "why" and makes himself less than he is.... last night i even networked with a friend of his and couldn't stop asking questions even though i know i have now bounded onto another path, back on a singular path per say.
that is when i have come to the conclusion that this one is ok to give up on. my friends are being as they should, telling me that i was ok, that i am awesome, that better will come along but i'm only taking them with a grain of salt. this is not a time that i need to be pumped up or told that i was right when i don't feel right. i think it is because i have grown up to see both sides of this situation. i look back at our first meeting as if he was perfect and i was crushing on a guy in high school. you know the one that i was never going to talk to and all i did was doodle his name in hearts on notebooks and talk to my girl friends about how cute his hair was or what he wore and how great his butt looked. i started swooning thinking about him with my heart thumping and my head filling with silly girl dreams.
i wanted to instantly add him and everything about him to my life even to my own detriment. worse is that because i was so delusional i bordered on desperation because i was willing to give him anything. you want $20 sure, you want me to buy you food sure, you want to take my car sure, you want a kidney sure. part of the problem with how i was raised, i am willing to help out on any level and i don't see it as undercutting someone's pride because it just is what it is, being raised by a bunch of southerners... its the way we work.
but right now while i still want him in my life, i was mean, i was judgmental and i was in the wrong. i can't hope that he will forgive me but i can still wish the best for him and his life because he deserves it. i know i can proceed forward knowing that he has good friends that will take care of him which is all he needs right now, it was not a good time for us regardless the label and as much as it hurts, i have to keep thinking that way. i hope that he will realize his greatness one day, i hope he will realize that many people love him and i hope he finds the best person to put a label on who will be there for him but for my safety, sanity and self, i need to give up on this one and realize in this situation that giving up isn't a bad thing...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
is it better just to be single....
i think that i have had just a fucking enough of this game that is played by the "i'm not ready" crowd of men that i have seem to be dating recently. now i will exclude the ones that politely if not all together bluntly warn me of their non-committal attitude or shall we call it nature, but the ones that are "unsure", "not ready" or "thought they were ready for something" better stay the fuck out of my path from now on.
i am absolutely sick of their selfish attitude when it comes to relationships. don't get me wrong, i am guarded and have my walls coming into a new relationship... in the dating phase i ask the questions that i need to have answered so that i can determine if i want to put time into someone. it is not a mutual two way street with me, i have to feel that there is a bond that i can see growing and blossoming into a full relationship. i have to see potential regardless of their personal situation. i have to also have a spark with someone which means they have to make my toes curl. i ask all the tough questions right off the bat, the ones that appease my biological clock, my maternal instinct, the inner shrink, the external child and all the other warped personality traits that make up myself at 34 years of age. i do this because i was hurt and i don't want to get hurt again. i can't recover if i let someone in too far and they hurt me. i would much prefer to give the suitor the real reason that i can't proceed with our relationship and not toy with their emotions but each time i let someone in that gets through the hills of my psychological analysis and into the valley of my real personality, i get SCREWED.
i am so baffled by this last one that i am actually stuck at a crossroads.... we started out fine, talking about mutual wants, mutual problems, lots and lots of mutual’s which allowed me to engage more than i normally do. I mean truthfully i have only told 3 people in my life that i loved them. the first was my very first boyfriend Jack, the second was my ex husband Richard and the third was my last boyfriend Mike. Each man has broken my heart and with the last being just over a year ago and the few losers that i have dated in the meantime i felt that i could let this one in but BOY WAS I WRONG.
this one was worse than the last 3 all together because he has not a fucking clue what he wants. now i know that i can be a chameleon in a relationship because there are certain things that really don't matter to me. i can eat just about anything and just about anywhere so when it comes to grabbing a bite to eat or making dinner, i am pretty easy going, another avenue where i tend to be easy is music, i love it all therefore i will listen to it all... as for which side of the bed, another thing i could give less than a care as long as the covers don't get stolen and perhaps i get a kiss or a cuddle sometime through the night.
on other items i am more steadfast, i feel deprived by my ex husband for not giving me a child and while i don't want one tomorrow, i do feel that i am about 2 feet from a cliff that i am about to fall off of and my biological clock is ticking so loud that it is making the ground under my feet vibrate and stumble closer to the edge. I also have certain things about my personality that at my age are not going to change, i like others for who they are good and bad and i expect the same attitude from others. the reason that my friend Helena and i get along so well, we can give a flying fuck what you think about us, love us or hate us, that is your choice, it will not affect how we live our lives.
but when you answer an ad that i put out giving you expectations of my intentions and we have good conversations, a great date and i end up adoring you immediately by the little things, it is going to grow. like many others when i am totally frustrated i cry and i question others to truthfully try to figure it out. i consider myself a quite bright person but when it comes down to it. i do admit to getting confused sometimes and the critical thinker in me starts to put YOUR actions together the way a detective would try to solve a crime.
so my inner detective that this written in the journal about this crime....
on march 6th suspect sent email through craigslist explaining who he was and why he wanted to reply to my ad
through the next two weeks the suspect and victim exchanged emails, chats, text messages and phone conversations leading to the agreement of a mutual meeting on march 19th
on march 19th the suspect came alone to a group gathering of the victim and her friends where the suspect engaged in conversation and purchased dinner and drinks for the victim in between the occasional romantic situation such as kissing, hand holding and cuddling
the suspect remained at the victims house for the evening and left the morning of the 20th with no romantic relations being recorded
on the 22nd the suspect warned the victim that he was getting ill and to take care of herself
on the 26th the suspect advised the victim that he could not attend her event
through the next 15 days the suspect and victim kept up casual conversation
on april 4th the victim visited the suspects home after an evening out with her girl friends and proceeded to have romantic relations with the suspect and then left the next morning
over the next few days the victim continued to engage the suspect with limited success
on april 10th the victim decided to advise the suspect that he needed to focus on his life and that she would be available to him when he needed it but that she was going to "pull away" for a little while
on april 27th the suspect returned the email to the victim letting her know of the situations in his life and making certain requests which the victim accepted and began conversations again with the suspect
that weekend the suspect and his son came for a visit at the victim's apartment
over the next weekend, conversations became friendlier and the victim requested the presence of the suspect at a work related event which he accepted
a few days (approximately may 4th) prior the suspect requested that the victim come the evening before the event and stay with him at his house knowing what additional responsibilities that the victim had for said party.
the victim spent the weekend with the suspect, again engaging in romantic relations
on may 8th the victim left the suspect's house to return home and the suspect advised her that he (again) was having issues with their arrangement and needed to "slow down" the victim agreed
on may 13th the victim took a friend and went and hung out with the suspect denoting the evening to a "hang out" session, the victim and friend conversed about the evening on the drive home in a positive way
on may 17th the suspect requested time with the victim specifically requesting "spending the night" which was allowed by the victim again romantic relations
on may 19th the victim and her friend engaged in another "hang out" session where the suspect was more than pre-occupied for the evening with his cell phone and a conversation with another party
on may 23rd while talking through text, the suspect advised the victim that he could no longer have romantic relations with the victim because he had "met someone" through a chat session and the victim's heart exploded causing death
really that is how i feel..... i am not sure if i am too trusting or just fucking DUMB. i mean i know that i am gullible, i am sure that i get used by people more than i realize but truthfully i am not a person that just jumps from bed to bed to bed. i want a connection with the person that i am having "relations" with or else i am not gonna do it. literally, i am a woman of the modern age and our society gives females more than enough battery powered goodies to satisfy those urges...
this guy i could really see a future with and i wanted to give him the time he needed to get over the last bad relationship, get into counseling (his want) get himself figured out and us start fresh again, but i am not sure if i am on the point of wanting to break something or i just want to sit in a corner and cry. he wants me to be his friend but how can i sit and watch another girl take the position that i wanted with him. i can't, i think it is torturous even trying and i have never been one to purposely torture myself. i am calling BULLSHIT now a lot, on everything that he said and everything that he did because truthfully if he just wanted sex, why did he do the cute stuff? the stuff that made my friends all think that he was genuine and caring and not full of shit, but obviously he is more screwed up than even i realize. he needs a good rebound that he can fuck over and allow to further fuck with his head and hurt him because he will never truly appreciate a girl that understands him, cares for him and just wants the best for him. therefore right now i think it is just better to remain single and stay away from all men in general. i will have no time for them as soon as the fall comes with my job and with school and with the people that i actually care about that want me in their lives.
i feel that i deserve better than someone that doesn't know what they want. i deserve someone that will protect me as much as i will them and all the mushy love stuff in between. i think this one has hurt me more than he knows and i am sick of crying over men that seem to take pleasure in making others hurt. he has no clue what he did and he has no clue what he just lost. from his words i felt secondary, especially when he stated "nothing has happened yet", now how am i supposed to take that, how am i supposed to support a friend when i want so much more from him than friendship and worse yet my heart is more broken from the fact that his son is so precious but like Skylar (my step son) oh so many years before the entire time with him was just a disappointment. I can’t and I won’t do this again, I need to realize that life isn’t gonna give me what I want, it isn’t because as good of a person as I think I was my karma must be FUCKEd UP and maybe for now it is better to just be single.....
i am absolutely sick of their selfish attitude when it comes to relationships. don't get me wrong, i am guarded and have my walls coming into a new relationship... in the dating phase i ask the questions that i need to have answered so that i can determine if i want to put time into someone. it is not a mutual two way street with me, i have to feel that there is a bond that i can see growing and blossoming into a full relationship. i have to see potential regardless of their personal situation. i have to also have a spark with someone which means they have to make my toes curl. i ask all the tough questions right off the bat, the ones that appease my biological clock, my maternal instinct, the inner shrink, the external child and all the other warped personality traits that make up myself at 34 years of age. i do this because i was hurt and i don't want to get hurt again. i can't recover if i let someone in too far and they hurt me. i would much prefer to give the suitor the real reason that i can't proceed with our relationship and not toy with their emotions but each time i let someone in that gets through the hills of my psychological analysis and into the valley of my real personality, i get SCREWED.
i am so baffled by this last one that i am actually stuck at a crossroads.... we started out fine, talking about mutual wants, mutual problems, lots and lots of mutual’s which allowed me to engage more than i normally do. I mean truthfully i have only told 3 people in my life that i loved them. the first was my very first boyfriend Jack, the second was my ex husband Richard and the third was my last boyfriend Mike. Each man has broken my heart and with the last being just over a year ago and the few losers that i have dated in the meantime i felt that i could let this one in but BOY WAS I WRONG.
this one was worse than the last 3 all together because he has not a fucking clue what he wants. now i know that i can be a chameleon in a relationship because there are certain things that really don't matter to me. i can eat just about anything and just about anywhere so when it comes to grabbing a bite to eat or making dinner, i am pretty easy going, another avenue where i tend to be easy is music, i love it all therefore i will listen to it all... as for which side of the bed, another thing i could give less than a care as long as the covers don't get stolen and perhaps i get a kiss or a cuddle sometime through the night.
on other items i am more steadfast, i feel deprived by my ex husband for not giving me a child and while i don't want one tomorrow, i do feel that i am about 2 feet from a cliff that i am about to fall off of and my biological clock is ticking so loud that it is making the ground under my feet vibrate and stumble closer to the edge. I also have certain things about my personality that at my age are not going to change, i like others for who they are good and bad and i expect the same attitude from others. the reason that my friend Helena and i get along so well, we can give a flying fuck what you think about us, love us or hate us, that is your choice, it will not affect how we live our lives.
but when you answer an ad that i put out giving you expectations of my intentions and we have good conversations, a great date and i end up adoring you immediately by the little things, it is going to grow. like many others when i am totally frustrated i cry and i question others to truthfully try to figure it out. i consider myself a quite bright person but when it comes down to it. i do admit to getting confused sometimes and the critical thinker in me starts to put YOUR actions together the way a detective would try to solve a crime.
so my inner detective that this written in the journal about this crime....
on march 6th suspect sent email through craigslist explaining who he was and why he wanted to reply to my ad
through the next two weeks the suspect and victim exchanged emails, chats, text messages and phone conversations leading to the agreement of a mutual meeting on march 19th
on march 19th the suspect came alone to a group gathering of the victim and her friends where the suspect engaged in conversation and purchased dinner and drinks for the victim in between the occasional romantic situation such as kissing, hand holding and cuddling
the suspect remained at the victims house for the evening and left the morning of the 20th with no romantic relations being recorded
on the 22nd the suspect warned the victim that he was getting ill and to take care of herself
on the 26th the suspect advised the victim that he could not attend her event
through the next 15 days the suspect and victim kept up casual conversation
on april 4th the victim visited the suspects home after an evening out with her girl friends and proceeded to have romantic relations with the suspect and then left the next morning
over the next few days the victim continued to engage the suspect with limited success
on april 10th the victim decided to advise the suspect that he needed to focus on his life and that she would be available to him when he needed it but that she was going to "pull away" for a little while
on april 27th the suspect returned the email to the victim letting her know of the situations in his life and making certain requests which the victim accepted and began conversations again with the suspect
that weekend the suspect and his son came for a visit at the victim's apartment
over the next weekend, conversations became friendlier and the victim requested the presence of the suspect at a work related event which he accepted
a few days (approximately may 4th) prior the suspect requested that the victim come the evening before the event and stay with him at his house knowing what additional responsibilities that the victim had for said party.
the victim spent the weekend with the suspect, again engaging in romantic relations
on may 8th the victim left the suspect's house to return home and the suspect advised her that he (again) was having issues with their arrangement and needed to "slow down" the victim agreed
on may 13th the victim took a friend and went and hung out with the suspect denoting the evening to a "hang out" session, the victim and friend conversed about the evening on the drive home in a positive way
on may 17th the suspect requested time with the victim specifically requesting "spending the night" which was allowed by the victim again romantic relations
on may 19th the victim and her friend engaged in another "hang out" session where the suspect was more than pre-occupied for the evening with his cell phone and a conversation with another party
on may 23rd while talking through text, the suspect advised the victim that he could no longer have romantic relations with the victim because he had "met someone" through a chat session and the victim's heart exploded causing death
really that is how i feel..... i am not sure if i am too trusting or just fucking DUMB. i mean i know that i am gullible, i am sure that i get used by people more than i realize but truthfully i am not a person that just jumps from bed to bed to bed. i want a connection with the person that i am having "relations" with or else i am not gonna do it. literally, i am a woman of the modern age and our society gives females more than enough battery powered goodies to satisfy those urges...
this guy i could really see a future with and i wanted to give him the time he needed to get over the last bad relationship, get into counseling (his want) get himself figured out and us start fresh again, but i am not sure if i am on the point of wanting to break something or i just want to sit in a corner and cry. he wants me to be his friend but how can i sit and watch another girl take the position that i wanted with him. i can't, i think it is torturous even trying and i have never been one to purposely torture myself. i am calling BULLSHIT now a lot, on everything that he said and everything that he did because truthfully if he just wanted sex, why did he do the cute stuff? the stuff that made my friends all think that he was genuine and caring and not full of shit, but obviously he is more screwed up than even i realize. he needs a good rebound that he can fuck over and allow to further fuck with his head and hurt him because he will never truly appreciate a girl that understands him, cares for him and just wants the best for him. therefore right now i think it is just better to remain single and stay away from all men in general. i will have no time for them as soon as the fall comes with my job and with school and with the people that i actually care about that want me in their lives.
i feel that i deserve better than someone that doesn't know what they want. i deserve someone that will protect me as much as i will them and all the mushy love stuff in between. i think this one has hurt me more than he knows and i am sick of crying over men that seem to take pleasure in making others hurt. he has no clue what he did and he has no clue what he just lost. from his words i felt secondary, especially when he stated "nothing has happened yet", now how am i supposed to take that, how am i supposed to support a friend when i want so much more from him than friendship and worse yet my heart is more broken from the fact that his son is so precious but like Skylar (my step son) oh so many years before the entire time with him was just a disappointment. I can’t and I won’t do this again, I need to realize that life isn’t gonna give me what I want, it isn’t because as good of a person as I think I was my karma must be FUCKEd UP and maybe for now it is better to just be single.....
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