ok so i have been asked what i am attracted to by so many people that i am posting here so that instead i can be lazy and just send links out. for those that are lazy, dont even try to contact me. i can barely take care of myself as it is, but the last thing i am going to do again in my life is allow another man to treat me like the slave in the relationship because 'i do it better' and therefore he wants to me to do everything and basically live to be pampered....
it is varies simple to me when it comes to being attracted to someone that i want to begin a relationship with.
first and foremost i have to look at you and see you, see how pretty your eyes are, how nice your smile is and think damn i wonder wonder wonder what his lips would taste like. that is simple, it takes a picture without your sunglasses on or a hat on your head, simple for me to see you. if you can't show yourself then in my book you have already lost the race. the reason being that i am a cocky little girl, i came from beautiful parents and even though i will not win any beauty pagents... i have never been barked at in any public place. i can tell you this much, different boys with different looks attract me.... so don't think any one thing will gain you brownie points.
second, once i look at you and let my dirty mind run wild, you have to be able to speak. i will be the first one to look at you and say 'huh' but normally that means that i am paying actual attention instead of like so many others zoning out and thinking about the next pair of shoes to buy, my grocery list for tomorrow or any of the other massive amounts of things that i plan for myself on a daily basis. when it comes to speaking i want to see your passion for what you love, i want to know what you do and how you grace life with your pressence, what makes you different from others and if it all comes out right then i am really thinking i wonder wonder wonder what his lips taste like.
third is the kiss and to me one of the most important points in getting to know someone. you may get through stage one and stage two but if your kiss lags then i tend to fall behind. a kiss is the very passion of a relationship and the reason that we girls tend to hold onto that moment so much. if you are with me i don't want you kissing other girls, and if i love your kiss then i will want it all over my body. when it comes to my kissing i like them hard and soft, i like lips pursed and i like tongue. it is one of the best things and as old as i am, i totally like making out with someone for hours on a couch, even though i know that my parents arent going to butt in on me. a good kiss makes my body quiver and if you really know how to kiss then pull me close to you and do it and keep doing it and i will be yours.
once we get to step four which tends to the longest of the whole process will be when i really want to get to know you. this isn't just the normal over dinner small talk. i want to know your dreams, where you are going with them and what your personal plans for the future are. the first three steps are a simple combination of head, heart and body and step four is when the emotion of care will actually come into play. if you can get into and through step four then step five is a killer.
step five is sex, not making love for this girl. for to 'make love' to someone i have to be 'in love' with somone and normally my sagittarius lusty nature gets the best of me before it goes there. i like sex and sex with the right person is like firworks on the fourth of july. but i want all stages of sex, its the whole ball game with me or nothing at all. advice to litle boys - sex with me is a tit for tat situation. i get - you get, bitte sagst ja!! (and if you don't know german that translates lazily to 'please say yes').
my stages are simple, if you fall out of one or the other we may be able to be friends but dont change yourself to try to fit into my mold. it isnt worth trying to change yourself as i will never again change myself for another person again in my life. if you cant take me as i am with all my faults, goodnesses, weakness and strength then you really dont want me and i am okay with that, i just hope you can be too.
have fun finding your love, i have been having a great time back to looking for my true love and as much as i gave you a little bit here, you will never get it all from me. my true next love will be my gunpowder making every part of me go off like the biggest brightest firework on fourth of july. heart, mind and soul combined to create perfection.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
i have come to a fork in my road
so i have so many things going on with me right now, i am not quite sure where to go. i have some job opportunities, some that pay and some that dont. i have some romantic opportunities, some that are right and some that are wrong. basically i have come to a very complicated fork in the road.
let me back up a month or so..... in early january, i was bound and determined to get the hell out of beaumont. i am sick of being looked at for the way i dress, i am sick of the middle of nowhere mentality and i am sick of this huge house being filled with deceit and lies. i tried my best after he left to get the images out of my head, get the bad memories out of my head. i bought new bedding, i moved around rooms, i painted, etc but it didn't really change anything. i walk in the front door and whether he is here or he is gone i see all the failed dreams and all the lost future memories.
i dated, i thought about getting back into the game and it is a game. i found boys that were nice and those that were mean and those that were totally confusing. i found old flames that said hello and those that didn't reply, was found by old flames that i replied and those that i didnt.
when it came down to it, the last two months of last year were for figuring out if i wanted to keep him, if we could make it work and if we could try again with me forgiving him and him forgiving me. he made it about bills and responsibility and didnt want to understand what depression that i was in. that it was hard enough to get up in the morning or even get out of bed. he said he was depressed and that he understood but i dont think he did and i dont think he ever will. that is why all the people i talked to said i could do better, all these people that were even supposed to be his friends said to get out and save myself.
so when he came to talk to me at the end, shortly after the new year i cut him off, i told him no and i wanted out. for the prior two months i wanted him to tell me that i was worth fighting for, that we were good together and that he still wanted me, that he didnt want her and that he wanted us to work. he never did, he just let me talk and cry and at the end i was empty again. i had spent all this time trying to think things out placing my emotional state as a priority and he put my financial state as a priority. i still wonder what he would have said if i just let him talk, what he wanted. i still wonder but then i also dont think he really knows.
so i was ready about 90% so to move forward, with just a little bit of my heart and mind stuck in the prior relationship. 90% of me ready to move forward with someone that wants the same things as i do, ready for the same things that i am and ready for me in the state that i am, probably my weakest in years. worrying about more than just things right in front of me and worried about making the same mistakes as last time.
as for the jobs, i have an opportunity to work for a new venture, a venture with great potential but one that i have walked along this road before. i feel bad because i can't really put my whole heart in it, the way i did last time even if it may work out better. i will try but then i am not sure if i can really try anywhere near as hard as i did last time. my faith is a little shot..... then there is my line and my fashion company and for the first time in year i have more faith in myself because i am giving it to myself. so tomorrow i sew, i take pictures and i place on the website. i write my business plan and i look for donors, business partners and sponsors. i can do it, i do it all by myself, so what is a couple of people to help. i even have a great idea for a name, one that truly makes things b.
so it is all up in the air, the great boys and the great jobs will just have to fall into place, those that i am ready for and are ready for me will stick and those that arent will fall by the wayside. it will suck if i lose people i may care for, but its my life and its all about me right now. even if i am stuck at a fork, even if they all look the same and i am not sure which way to travel. i think for now i will give it a little time and sit at the bench that is near the roads. i will sit and relax for the path that is the right path, the correct path should show its way. hopefully just not too long, i get antsy and sooner or later i may have to pee.....
let me back up a month or so..... in early january, i was bound and determined to get the hell out of beaumont. i am sick of being looked at for the way i dress, i am sick of the middle of nowhere mentality and i am sick of this huge house being filled with deceit and lies. i tried my best after he left to get the images out of my head, get the bad memories out of my head. i bought new bedding, i moved around rooms, i painted, etc but it didn't really change anything. i walk in the front door and whether he is here or he is gone i see all the failed dreams and all the lost future memories.
i dated, i thought about getting back into the game and it is a game. i found boys that were nice and those that were mean and those that were totally confusing. i found old flames that said hello and those that didn't reply, was found by old flames that i replied and those that i didnt.
when it came down to it, the last two months of last year were for figuring out if i wanted to keep him, if we could make it work and if we could try again with me forgiving him and him forgiving me. he made it about bills and responsibility and didnt want to understand what depression that i was in. that it was hard enough to get up in the morning or even get out of bed. he said he was depressed and that he understood but i dont think he did and i dont think he ever will. that is why all the people i talked to said i could do better, all these people that were even supposed to be his friends said to get out and save myself.
so when he came to talk to me at the end, shortly after the new year i cut him off, i told him no and i wanted out. for the prior two months i wanted him to tell me that i was worth fighting for, that we were good together and that he still wanted me, that he didnt want her and that he wanted us to work. he never did, he just let me talk and cry and at the end i was empty again. i had spent all this time trying to think things out placing my emotional state as a priority and he put my financial state as a priority. i still wonder what he would have said if i just let him talk, what he wanted. i still wonder but then i also dont think he really knows.
so i was ready about 90% so to move forward, with just a little bit of my heart and mind stuck in the prior relationship. 90% of me ready to move forward with someone that wants the same things as i do, ready for the same things that i am and ready for me in the state that i am, probably my weakest in years. worrying about more than just things right in front of me and worried about making the same mistakes as last time.
as for the jobs, i have an opportunity to work for a new venture, a venture with great potential but one that i have walked along this road before. i feel bad because i can't really put my whole heart in it, the way i did last time even if it may work out better. i will try but then i am not sure if i can really try anywhere near as hard as i did last time. my faith is a little shot..... then there is my line and my fashion company and for the first time in year i have more faith in myself because i am giving it to myself. so tomorrow i sew, i take pictures and i place on the website. i write my business plan and i look for donors, business partners and sponsors. i can do it, i do it all by myself, so what is a couple of people to help. i even have a great idea for a name, one that truly makes things b.
so it is all up in the air, the great boys and the great jobs will just have to fall into place, those that i am ready for and are ready for me will stick and those that arent will fall by the wayside. it will suck if i lose people i may care for, but its my life and its all about me right now. even if i am stuck at a fork, even if they all look the same and i am not sure which way to travel. i think for now i will give it a little time and sit at the bench that is near the roads. i will sit and relax for the path that is the right path, the correct path should show its way. hopefully just not too long, i get antsy and sooner or later i may have to pee.....
Sunday, February 15, 2009
so the evils of the day are over and i think i know what i want
i have spent the day with some of my favorite people in the entire world, people that even when they are upset or pissy with each other still make me jealous for what they have. and what they have is out of this world, outstanding, overcome almost anything love. it is the kind of love that they dont write about because it isnt fairy tale love, it is better it is true life world love.
a woman and a man that have know each other since third grade... i was there i know. we all used to play family together.... me, jackie, dave and nikita. i have kept in touch with jackie since third grade, the best friend that i have ever had. my one true friend that knows everything about me and even as warped as i am accepts me for all my faults.
i drove down to san diego on friday, happy friday the 13th. i promised over a month ago that i would watch their darling children, matthew and elizabeth. two of the cutest children that i have ever seen, but then i am in that phase of 'every baby is cute'. the reason i know is because i want one too. this is not the normal 'kelly just wants, what she wants because someone else has it' which if you know me is normal. it is the little kid in me that stomps my foot and says i want because {pointing my finger at someone else} they have it....
i always thought my life would go a certain way. you get a job, figure yourself out, as much as you can without paying a shrink $10K a year to tell you what you feel or think or whatever your issues with your mutha and fatha.... find a person that makes you smile and build a life with them. building a life meaning buying cars and homes and furniture, creating new lives and raising them without screwing them up too much, planning graduations and weddings and anniversary parties and baby showers, etc. living life, creating and nuturing love and following the plan, not one set in stone just one with flexible timelines and flexible goals.
i found the man, the one i wanted babies with, the one i wanted to grow old with, the one that i wanted to create a home with and love until i was old and gray. it just didn't happen that way, it seemed we wanted different things and we lost that communication in the long run. it is eight years that i am not sure if i feel wasted or feel that the experience was needed to complete myself more. any thoughts? any pysch md charge free thoughts?
are the people we bring into our lives all supposed to teach us something? are we supposed to use each as a stepping stone? and once we are past that first relationship/marriage/commitment, etc. when can we get back into someone else - in an instant or should we wait? when do we know when it is right to put ourselves back into a real relationship?
sleeping around tends to be key.... for some its just because the non-commitment is easier - i say boys tend to go this way. once they are ready for someone though it is as if the train will keep on the track til it hits the right station, and just like the post office slogan from days past, they will get the job done through rain and sleet and whatever.
then there are those that go from relationship to relationship - never stopping to smell the roses or spend a little time alone to figure themselves out or what they may have learned from the last relationship, its almost like a child - they get bored with one toy and off they are to the next one. the brighter and shiner and newer the better. i don't think these people will ever learn or grow, they just don't want to be alone and when one relationship gets too complicated, which in the adult world - relationships do every once in a while get complicated, they are off and onto the next thing. the closer the easier and the better. making excuses for why they don't want to try to uncomplicate the relationship or try to fix, just off off off.....
then there are those that take a second and think. look back at the previous relationship and learn... well maybe just think. think about what they didnt like, what they did like, how we changed, if we want to change back, if we may just be or are too complicated and want to become a hermit or gigalo or whatever... we tend to want to learn and expand from our mistakes, if we see them that way. we start looking for someone that will compliment us, take us for who we are - regardless of our faults, make us feel like the sun, moon and the stars. as long as we can leave our baggage behind us and trully move forward. and i am talking not even a small carry-on, leave it all.
the second you are in a new relationship, it is my opinion, that you should share. i tend to over share but if someone is cool with that then there shouldnt be a problem. you both need to share - your dreams, your wants, your aspirations, your plan. even if little things will change or be modified in one person or the other the communcation is best.
also this tidbit is key!!! never go to bed angry. i have heard this from so many. if you want to walk away or they want to walk away when a discussion needs to be had it will never work. they will be bitter or you will be bitter. sleeping on the couch is not an option for me. never again will i let the person that i love walk away from me when we need to talk about something. never again will i let him sleep on the couch and be mad for the entire night. fighting and making up go hand in hand, you need to come to a conclusion - make up and apologize - then fall asleep in each others arms.
what i have finally figured out is that love is simple. it is simple to love the people that are in your life and that you care about. it is relationships that are hard, communication is hard and people can be downright stubborn. if you need to fight make sure that you truly care about what is being fought over. stains in the carpet happen, dents in car doors happen, life happens. chose what is important to you and keep that your priority, keep only the important stuff as a priority.
if you find that your other doesnt care about something, ask them why. dont just get mad/angry/upset with them because they dont put as much weight or value on something as you do. most have good reason, most have good sense as to why they dont and there is nothing wrong with that. things will always be there tomorrow and sometimes you can put it off. sometimes there are heavier things weighing them down. talk before you get angry, talk before you get frustrated, talk before you lose what you have and what you love.
lastly dont try to change people. we are all old enough to know what our faults are or at least most of them. we dont need someone that we love reminding us of them. we try on our own to do better and may relapse at any time because its primal to us. each of us has great things and ungreat things. build someone up with their great things, be their cheerleader, help them through and you will become closer and better together. telling someone you care about how much they suck doesnt do anything, that is what friends are for. friends tell you when you suck. not to say that someone you care about shouldnt, but it is personally much harder to hear from a lover than a friend, for me.
all i want to impart is that no one is perfect. i love each person in my life for who i am and hope that they do the same as warped as i can be sometimes. i accept you, can you accept me and the others that grace your life with love or do you want to run away and hide from everyone. the choice is yours, its your life and you are the only one that can make yourself truly happy. what do you need to do it?
a woman and a man that have know each other since third grade... i was there i know. we all used to play family together.... me, jackie, dave and nikita. i have kept in touch with jackie since third grade, the best friend that i have ever had. my one true friend that knows everything about me and even as warped as i am accepts me for all my faults.
i drove down to san diego on friday, happy friday the 13th. i promised over a month ago that i would watch their darling children, matthew and elizabeth. two of the cutest children that i have ever seen, but then i am in that phase of 'every baby is cute'. the reason i know is because i want one too. this is not the normal 'kelly just wants, what she wants because someone else has it' which if you know me is normal. it is the little kid in me that stomps my foot and says i want because {pointing my finger at someone else} they have it....
i always thought my life would go a certain way. you get a job, figure yourself out, as much as you can without paying a shrink $10K a year to tell you what you feel or think or whatever your issues with your mutha and fatha.... find a person that makes you smile and build a life with them. building a life meaning buying cars and homes and furniture, creating new lives and raising them without screwing them up too much, planning graduations and weddings and anniversary parties and baby showers, etc. living life, creating and nuturing love and following the plan, not one set in stone just one with flexible timelines and flexible goals.
i found the man, the one i wanted babies with, the one i wanted to grow old with, the one that i wanted to create a home with and love until i was old and gray. it just didn't happen that way, it seemed we wanted different things and we lost that communication in the long run. it is eight years that i am not sure if i feel wasted or feel that the experience was needed to complete myself more. any thoughts? any pysch md charge free thoughts?
are the people we bring into our lives all supposed to teach us something? are we supposed to use each as a stepping stone? and once we are past that first relationship/marriage/commitment, etc. when can we get back into someone else - in an instant or should we wait? when do we know when it is right to put ourselves back into a real relationship?
sleeping around tends to be key.... for some its just because the non-commitment is easier - i say boys tend to go this way. once they are ready for someone though it is as if the train will keep on the track til it hits the right station, and just like the post office slogan from days past, they will get the job done through rain and sleet and whatever.
then there are those that go from relationship to relationship - never stopping to smell the roses or spend a little time alone to figure themselves out or what they may have learned from the last relationship, its almost like a child - they get bored with one toy and off they are to the next one. the brighter and shiner and newer the better. i don't think these people will ever learn or grow, they just don't want to be alone and when one relationship gets too complicated, which in the adult world - relationships do every once in a while get complicated, they are off and onto the next thing. the closer the easier and the better. making excuses for why they don't want to try to uncomplicate the relationship or try to fix, just off off off.....
then there are those that take a second and think. look back at the previous relationship and learn... well maybe just think. think about what they didnt like, what they did like, how we changed, if we want to change back, if we may just be or are too complicated and want to become a hermit or gigalo or whatever... we tend to want to learn and expand from our mistakes, if we see them that way. we start looking for someone that will compliment us, take us for who we are - regardless of our faults, make us feel like the sun, moon and the stars. as long as we can leave our baggage behind us and trully move forward. and i am talking not even a small carry-on, leave it all.
the second you are in a new relationship, it is my opinion, that you should share. i tend to over share but if someone is cool with that then there shouldnt be a problem. you both need to share - your dreams, your wants, your aspirations, your plan. even if little things will change or be modified in one person or the other the communcation is best.
also this tidbit is key!!! never go to bed angry. i have heard this from so many. if you want to walk away or they want to walk away when a discussion needs to be had it will never work. they will be bitter or you will be bitter. sleeping on the couch is not an option for me. never again will i let the person that i love walk away from me when we need to talk about something. never again will i let him sleep on the couch and be mad for the entire night. fighting and making up go hand in hand, you need to come to a conclusion - make up and apologize - then fall asleep in each others arms.
what i have finally figured out is that love is simple. it is simple to love the people that are in your life and that you care about. it is relationships that are hard, communication is hard and people can be downright stubborn. if you need to fight make sure that you truly care about what is being fought over. stains in the carpet happen, dents in car doors happen, life happens. chose what is important to you and keep that your priority, keep only the important stuff as a priority.
if you find that your other doesnt care about something, ask them why. dont just get mad/angry/upset with them because they dont put as much weight or value on something as you do. most have good reason, most have good sense as to why they dont and there is nothing wrong with that. things will always be there tomorrow and sometimes you can put it off. sometimes there are heavier things weighing them down. talk before you get angry, talk before you get frustrated, talk before you lose what you have and what you love.
lastly dont try to change people. we are all old enough to know what our faults are or at least most of them. we dont need someone that we love reminding us of them. we try on our own to do better and may relapse at any time because its primal to us. each of us has great things and ungreat things. build someone up with their great things, be their cheerleader, help them through and you will become closer and better together. telling someone you care about how much they suck doesnt do anything, that is what friends are for. friends tell you when you suck. not to say that someone you care about shouldnt, but it is personally much harder to hear from a lover than a friend, for me.
all i want to impart is that no one is perfect. i love each person in my life for who i am and hope that they do the same as warped as i can be sometimes. i accept you, can you accept me and the others that grace your life with love or do you want to run away and hide from everyone. the choice is yours, its your life and you are the only one that can make yourself truly happy. what do you need to do it?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
not looking forward to valentine's day
so it is nine days until valentine's day and i think i am metaphorically sick. i have realized that this will be the first valentine's day that i will literally be alone and it is saddening. for the last couple of years we haven't been able to celebrate valentine's day on the actual day because i had school/work or he had work but this year is the first year that i am alone and i am not quite sure how to handle it.
i was smart, when i realized that i would be alone before i tried to rectify the situation. i volunteered my babysitting services to my best friend. i did it because it is the first time that her and her husband are back in a place where i can help them, back in CA and only an hour and a half away. i really did it to allow them the night away from the kids and to have a nice night by themselves. i haven't been dating anyone that asked to spend the evening with me and like new years, it is a hard holiday to spend alone, but the realization of many things is hitting fast as the holiday approaches.
like any holiday that produces feelings of longing or loneliness i totally blame the media. the news brings out all the sappy stories and the commercials of jewelry and gifts and candies and other shit just help prolong the agony. then if you are lucky, and by all means please read the sarcasism in this, enough to also subscribe to premium movie channels then you have all the sappy sappy movies that talk about love and lose and feelings. yuck! yuck!! yuck!!!
don't get me wrong, if i have someone to wrap my arms around and cuddle on the couch with, i love valentines day. i wear my red dress and red shoes which as cheesy as it is, I have had for years... it only gets worn once a year and carefully put back in a little box, but this year it has stayed in the box. i did have it out but then the other day i walked in and looked at it and the next thing i knew i was on the floor of my closet in a huddled sobbing mess.
i am a girl, as much as i try to fake it, i am a girl. i like shiny sparkly things. i like being held. i like being told that i am pretty, that i smell nice and that my smile lights up a room. i like being liked, i love being loved and when i have someone they know they are the only one. unfortunately i found out shortly after the new year that last year, my only one had another one. that is also something that is hard to get through, hard to wrap my head around and keep my heart away from.
my heart is having its own issues. it doesn't really feel anything anymore. its like the boy in the bubble, watching from the sidelines but not wanting to go out and play for fear that it will get hurt. it doesn't want to even try. it actually turns it back to the people in the world many times and just sits and crys. i feel it, it is so small right now that the space that it once filled is vacant. its like a pebble inside the ocean. it hurts less and less but it still hurts. i don't think it is anything that i can do, and what i mean by i is my brain.
i was sitting in sf last weekend talking to chrissi about my drama, the drama that i still can't really wrap my head around. my heart still wrenching a little from it and thus the hiding. my head wanting to ask questions, lots of questions that it knows he wont answer and not sure if i even want to hear the answers to anyways.
my mother keeps saying the same thing "adorable and useless". the problem is that she has said it in front of my stepfather many times. a man she has been married to for now twenty years. i am not sure if she actually means it or is just saying it for me. should i really consider men "adorable and useless"? doesnt that perpetuate the entire situation, the us-them bullshit. wouldn't it warp me for any relationship that i try to have in the future? i truly think the same can be said of women, we too can be "adorable and useless". maybe its just because i have a different mental dynamic of a relationship between a man and a woman.
i feel that each has certain things that make the relationship better. women can multi-task, but it also makes us scatterbrained. men can be single minded, but at least they can get it done without too many thoughts coming into their brain and distracting them.
i want a true partnership. i want someone that knows when they have a bad day that i will be there with my arms wide open ready to surround them with love and warmth. i want the same in return. i want every detail of our home to be discussed and agreed upon, i want ever aspect of our lives to be discussed and agreed upon. i want a true partnership, give and take on both ends.
so this valentine's day even though i will be without that special someone, i don't deny that he is out there, that i will find him and that i will be happy again. that my heart will heal and that it will strive again and come out and play with all the other children in the neighborhood. that i will be open to love and for love again. it just takes time right? it just takes time.
i was smart, when i realized that i would be alone before i tried to rectify the situation. i volunteered my babysitting services to my best friend. i did it because it is the first time that her and her husband are back in a place where i can help them, back in CA and only an hour and a half away. i really did it to allow them the night away from the kids and to have a nice night by themselves. i haven't been dating anyone that asked to spend the evening with me and like new years, it is a hard holiday to spend alone, but the realization of many things is hitting fast as the holiday approaches.
like any holiday that produces feelings of longing or loneliness i totally blame the media. the news brings out all the sappy stories and the commercials of jewelry and gifts and candies and other shit just help prolong the agony. then if you are lucky, and by all means please read the sarcasism in this, enough to also subscribe to premium movie channels then you have all the sappy sappy movies that talk about love and lose and feelings. yuck! yuck!! yuck!!!
don't get me wrong, if i have someone to wrap my arms around and cuddle on the couch with, i love valentines day. i wear my red dress and red shoes which as cheesy as it is, I have had for years... it only gets worn once a year and carefully put back in a little box, but this year it has stayed in the box. i did have it out but then the other day i walked in and looked at it and the next thing i knew i was on the floor of my closet in a huddled sobbing mess.
i am a girl, as much as i try to fake it, i am a girl. i like shiny sparkly things. i like being held. i like being told that i am pretty, that i smell nice and that my smile lights up a room. i like being liked, i love being loved and when i have someone they know they are the only one. unfortunately i found out shortly after the new year that last year, my only one had another one. that is also something that is hard to get through, hard to wrap my head around and keep my heart away from.
my heart is having its own issues. it doesn't really feel anything anymore. its like the boy in the bubble, watching from the sidelines but not wanting to go out and play for fear that it will get hurt. it doesn't want to even try. it actually turns it back to the people in the world many times and just sits and crys. i feel it, it is so small right now that the space that it once filled is vacant. its like a pebble inside the ocean. it hurts less and less but it still hurts. i don't think it is anything that i can do, and what i mean by i is my brain.
i was sitting in sf last weekend talking to chrissi about my drama, the drama that i still can't really wrap my head around. my heart still wrenching a little from it and thus the hiding. my head wanting to ask questions, lots of questions that it knows he wont answer and not sure if i even want to hear the answers to anyways.
my mother keeps saying the same thing "adorable and useless". the problem is that she has said it in front of my stepfather many times. a man she has been married to for now twenty years. i am not sure if she actually means it or is just saying it for me. should i really consider men "adorable and useless"? doesnt that perpetuate the entire situation, the us-them bullshit. wouldn't it warp me for any relationship that i try to have in the future? i truly think the same can be said of women, we too can be "adorable and useless". maybe its just because i have a different mental dynamic of a relationship between a man and a woman.
i feel that each has certain things that make the relationship better. women can multi-task, but it also makes us scatterbrained. men can be single minded, but at least they can get it done without too many thoughts coming into their brain and distracting them.
i want a true partnership. i want someone that knows when they have a bad day that i will be there with my arms wide open ready to surround them with love and warmth. i want the same in return. i want every detail of our home to be discussed and agreed upon, i want ever aspect of our lives to be discussed and agreed upon. i want a true partnership, give and take on both ends.
so this valentine's day even though i will be without that special someone, i don't deny that he is out there, that i will find him and that i will be happy again. that my heart will heal and that it will strive again and come out and play with all the other children in the neighborhood. that i will be open to love and for love again. it just takes time right? it just takes time.
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