i have spent the day with some of my favorite people in the entire world, people that even when they are upset or pissy with each other still make me jealous for what they have. and what they have is out of this world, outstanding, overcome almost anything love. it is the kind of love that they dont write about because it isnt fairy tale love, it is better it is true life world love.
a woman and a man that have know each other since third grade... i was there i know. we all used to play family together.... me, jackie, dave and nikita. i have kept in touch with jackie since third grade, the best friend that i have ever had. my one true friend that knows everything about me and even as warped as i am accepts me for all my faults.
i drove down to san diego on friday, happy friday the 13th. i promised over a month ago that i would watch their darling children, matthew and elizabeth. two of the cutest children that i have ever seen, but then i am in that phase of 'every baby is cute'. the reason i know is because i want one too. this is not the normal 'kelly just wants, what she wants because someone else has it' which if you know me is normal. it is the little kid in me that stomps my foot and says i want because {pointing my finger at someone else} they have it....
i always thought my life would go a certain way. you get a job, figure yourself out, as much as you can without paying a shrink $10K a year to tell you what you feel or think or whatever your issues with your mutha and fatha.... find a person that makes you smile and build a life with them. building a life meaning buying cars and homes and furniture, creating new lives and raising them without screwing them up too much, planning graduations and weddings and anniversary parties and baby showers, etc. living life, creating and nuturing love and following the plan, not one set in stone just one with flexible timelines and flexible goals.
i found the man, the one i wanted babies with, the one i wanted to grow old with, the one that i wanted to create a home with and love until i was old and gray. it just didn't happen that way, it seemed we wanted different things and we lost that communication in the long run. it is eight years that i am not sure if i feel wasted or feel that the experience was needed to complete myself more. any thoughts? any pysch md charge free thoughts?
are the people we bring into our lives all supposed to teach us something? are we supposed to use each as a stepping stone? and once we are past that first relationship/marriage/commitment, etc. when can we get back into someone else - in an instant or should we wait? when do we know when it is right to put ourselves back into a real relationship?
sleeping around tends to be key.... for some its just because the non-commitment is easier - i say boys tend to go this way. once they are ready for someone though it is as if the train will keep on the track til it hits the right station, and just like the post office slogan from days past, they will get the job done through rain and sleet and whatever.
then there are those that go from relationship to relationship - never stopping to smell the roses or spend a little time alone to figure themselves out or what they may have learned from the last relationship, its almost like a child - they get bored with one toy and off they are to the next one. the brighter and shiner and newer the better. i don't think these people will ever learn or grow, they just don't want to be alone and when one relationship gets too complicated, which in the adult world - relationships do every once in a while get complicated, they are off and onto the next thing. the closer the easier and the better. making excuses for why they don't want to try to uncomplicate the relationship or try to fix, just off off off.....
then there are those that take a second and think. look back at the previous relationship and learn... well maybe just think. think about what they didnt like, what they did like, how we changed, if we want to change back, if we may just be or are too complicated and want to become a hermit or gigalo or whatever... we tend to want to learn and expand from our mistakes, if we see them that way. we start looking for someone that will compliment us, take us for who we are - regardless of our faults, make us feel like the sun, moon and the stars. as long as we can leave our baggage behind us and trully move forward. and i am talking not even a small carry-on, leave it all.
the second you are in a new relationship, it is my opinion, that you should share. i tend to over share but if someone is cool with that then there shouldnt be a problem. you both need to share - your dreams, your wants, your aspirations, your plan. even if little things will change or be modified in one person or the other the communcation is best.
also this tidbit is key!!! never go to bed angry. i have heard this from so many. if you want to walk away or they want to walk away when a discussion needs to be had it will never work. they will be bitter or you will be bitter. sleeping on the couch is not an option for me. never again will i let the person that i love walk away from me when we need to talk about something. never again will i let him sleep on the couch and be mad for the entire night. fighting and making up go hand in hand, you need to come to a conclusion - make up and apologize - then fall asleep in each others arms.
what i have finally figured out is that love is simple. it is simple to love the people that are in your life and that you care about. it is relationships that are hard, communication is hard and people can be downright stubborn. if you need to fight make sure that you truly care about what is being fought over. stains in the carpet happen, dents in car doors happen, life happens. chose what is important to you and keep that your priority, keep only the important stuff as a priority.
if you find that your other doesnt care about something, ask them why. dont just get mad/angry/upset with them because they dont put as much weight or value on something as you do. most have good reason, most have good sense as to why they dont and there is nothing wrong with that. things will always be there tomorrow and sometimes you can put it off. sometimes there are heavier things weighing them down. talk before you get angry, talk before you get frustrated, talk before you lose what you have and what you love.
lastly dont try to change people. we are all old enough to know what our faults are or at least most of them. we dont need someone that we love reminding us of them. we try on our own to do better and may relapse at any time because its primal to us. each of us has great things and ungreat things. build someone up with their great things, be their cheerleader, help them through and you will become closer and better together. telling someone you care about how much they suck doesnt do anything, that is what friends are for. friends tell you when you suck. not to say that someone you care about shouldnt, but it is personally much harder to hear from a lover than a friend, for me.
all i want to impart is that no one is perfect. i love each person in my life for who i am and hope that they do the same as warped as i can be sometimes. i accept you, can you accept me and the others that grace your life with love or do you want to run away and hide from everyone. the choice is yours, its your life and you are the only one that can make yourself truly happy. what do you need to do it?
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