so last night i am writing in my journal as i try to do each night and i wrote something that i actually had a realization about. i was missing my boyfriend, plain and simple. he left april 8th to fly from the bay area to fairmont, nc so that he could help his dad with a special construction project and hopefully pocket some cash. this fun little project has grown in complexity and now officially he has been gone for 6 weeks now with no real return date in sight. which is beginning more and more each day to suck.
i won't say that things were going perfectly before he left but we were progressing. as each person with baggage of bad relationship pasts ghost wanders in and out of the closet so did he and i have our conflicts which lead to understanding and better communication. to the point that sunday mornings were our "let the world just go away" time. laying in each other’s arms, talking about the weeks’ worth and laughing about the silly little things that had been bigger monsters of frustration sometimes only mere moments before hand.
i have grown to realize that grown-up relationships aren't perfect, far from actually but that they take baby steps called communication to truly be the less scared tortoise or ostrich that brings their head back into the light after a rough patch. the boyfriend and i both have the same views in regards to life, relationships and feelings. we are both strong, stubborn and opinionated but we respect each other which is far more than my ex or any of my other relationships claimed. shortly before my boyfriend left he asked me if i considered him my best friend? having labeled only female friends with that title in the past i can admit that the questions perplexed me greatly. i can admit that i never saw a man that i was with as my best friend... i can only assume because the term best friend has always been taught to me as your closest friend and while i can use my grandmother as a great example i still thought "no" until yesterday that is.
prior to last night, my best friend was only a friend... while the gender could have been female or male, the intention of best friend was that this person i could share almost anything with but that there were still things that i would hold back from a best friend. i can admit that i discuss more with a partner than i would a friend. i have had too many friends hurt me in one way or another through fault of my own or them. a best friend i could not talk to for months at a time and much like a daytime soap opera, one phone call or conversation and i was back up to speed on. a best friend you hang out with but time spent with them is secondary to that of a partner/boyfriend.
there is something about intimacy and sharing of things taboo or scary or foreign or harmful that i will only do with a partner, with my boyfriend and a best friend just falls a little below that status. in my opinion and we can blame how i was raised, if you need something to blame, that i place my partner in the number 1 spot, family in number 2 and friends in number 3 followed by all others. some of my friends have become family over the years like jackie and david, i consider them family more than anything else especially with over 25 years of knowing each other but few raise in the ranks like that.
a best friend does comes close to a partner in certain events but never 100% of the time and while i kept thinking this way i realized last night that i missed my boyfriend as that best friend as well. i knew when he asked that we weren't quite there, i knew that we were close like a pebble ready to plummet off a high cliff but that it would take something to get us to that point. i was right.
what it took was a first turn, what it took was a conversation where i was the first one giving the advise to him, what it took was that conversation and the day without hearing from him after it that made me realize that i truly missed him. this morning i got a picture of him in solace, his solace which is the water... go figure for a pisces. he is calmest when he is near water, he is best and most level headed when he is near the water, he is at peace. i can understand that, i love nature, all nature and as much as the culture of the city excites and intrigues me i am most at peace when i am away from all people and all things and i can hide.
when i grabbed my journal last night i realized that i missed him, not certain parts of him but all of him the silly jokes and goofy smiles, the arguments that ended in little jabs to the ribs or kisses and hugs, the cuddling through the night and the smell of him on my sheets in the morning, the short and long conversations that ended in a hug, a kiss or more each time i needed it. when i miss someone that i love and i know i love him so much but that is for another blog on another day... when i miss someone it actually aches in my the middle of my chest. it is not my actual heart but my metaphorical heart that throbs for the attention given by him. i sat last night and wrote clear as the writing on my license plate 'i miss my best friend'. plain and simple, no more explanation just clear as daylight i miss my best friend.
our relationship has hit the point where i know where i need to be, what i need to do and who i want to be with. truthfully after my crappy marriage i wasn't sure i wanted to get to this place again and i didn't know if i could, i didn't know if i ever would be able to and i wasn't truly sure if i wanted to be knowing the potential joy and potential hurt that this instance may or may not cause. but when it comes down to it you have to trust your gut and while my heart isn't always right, my gut is fool proof. so here and now after writing what i could only recognize as an epiphany i am feeling more anxious to see my boyfriend, my partner and my best friend. even if this stupid project takes another month to get finished i know that i can watch dumb romantic comedies and look forward to the moment that i can kiss him again and see the smile on his face and the glow in his beautiful green eyes. i truly understand my heart growing fonder :) it’s a nice feeling...
