how to cope when you feel lost

today was a weird day. that is the easiest way to describe today, weird.

yesterday was a good day, even with him unhappy and sick, yesterday was a good day. a day where i made homemade banana nut bread, got a window fixed, had a great nap and took my time to smile. yesterday was a good day, when i saw him, he asked if i missed him and i said yes. when as we were getting to his car he gave me the sweetest kiss and looked into my eyes. a day where a nice dinner and a little conversation made me smile and not feel so lonely. yesterday was a good day and it ended in a good way with shivers and tingles. yesterday was a good day.

today was weird. at about nine this morning, i expected him to show up. he made a promise and he was supposed to be here. we were supposed to do all the things that i am bound to do with him. still bound because i have to be not because i want to be. he isnt the same person anymore. we have both changed and as a couple we pulled away from each other. today was weird.

i have two males in my life right now.

a new man that i can tell the truth to. its not the whole truth because we havent swapped life stories, but that comes with time. no one wants to know the whole story anyways but we share as any new relationship goes. like a flower on its journey to from a bud to a bloom, each petal opening when the warm light shines on it. when the water rushes from it roots to the veins of its inner being. as the two combine then the life, the essence is given to the plant. that photo thingy that creates life in the flower allows it to bloom and flourish. each petal a true magnificent miracle. if you dont think it is the perfect analogy for a new relationship, then please send me a note but that is the way i see it. he is a lot of silly things that i want. his eyes and his hair, his rugged features, his strength, his care, his gentility, his genuineness, his truth and his thinking. even though he is much younger. even though i am not sure, i am okay with spending more time getting to know him and being with him. i have been looking for one with certain attributes and qualities which he has. as long as we continue down this path, i feel that we can be okay. i dont want to jinx anything. i have done that in the past, put too much thought into things and come out perplexed, frustrated and unhappy. i am okay with letting the chips fall where they may and the grains of sand pass through the hourglass without shaking it to make them flow faster. he was my yesterday and my yesterday was good.

there is another man in my life. one i can no longer trust. one that i can no longer look at with the innocence that i once had. one that betrayed our relationship by kissing another woman. the one rule i stood fast on as the kiss is the passion of a relationship. he didnt understand that him kissing her was so much worse than anything else he could do to me. he still doesnt because 'it was only kissing and hugging, i didnt fuck her'. the statement still chimes through my head and when i look at him it is with disgust these days. he was the one that was supposed to be here today, we had things to take care of. we had things that we had to do.

and so today was weird. i got up late because i went to bed late. i climbed into my chair and opened the computer to check email. my roommate came in and asked me to come chill with him and the kids for the morning. it was fun, picking them up, heading through wal-mart with a quick trip to see the fish, the toys and the movies. off to lunch and then home for a quick change and the park with bubbles and kite flying. more time with the kids.

i enjoy spending time with the kids and with D. it was the life that i wanted. a family and watching the kids run around and have fun. simplicity is key and D and i have fun. a little sun and some fresh air and then drama. because he wasnt there when we got home like he was supposed to be. a simple text wondering where he was. we were trying to plan the evening, continuing the time with the kids, aidan had gotten stars and we were going to go to see the giant rat and his cheese. all i asked was where he was and it was as if i started a fire. it was simple to answer the question but then there was this drama.

the drama that caused me to cry under my glasses. the things that he said and the hurt in his words. i dont understand him. i thought we were done but then i get this. i dont know him anymore. he still flaunts her in my face and yet he still cares. talk about two different things. talk about two different ideas. i dont know what to think anymore, i dont know if he does or he doesnt because he puts priority on the dumbest things. the dumbest things.

tomorrow all could be lost but love remains. if the world blew up and there wasnt cell phones and television and cars and debt there would still be love. love and trust is the most important things to me. when you get to the point of telling someone that you love them, then you put blinders on. the only person in your sights is that person, yes its old fashioned but then so am i.

i was taught to take care of my man. i was taught that the woman knows how to cook and how to love and she gets the slippers at the end of the night. i know it is anti-feminist but then it is old fashioned and sometimes i return to that way of thinking. it has worked for my grandparents and they just hit seventy-five years together. seventy-five years, i dont even think they have a metal for that. that mixed with a little bit of my mother makes me me. it makes me want to find someone that will take care of me the way i take care of others. someone that really cares but then maybe not. maybe its easier to take what i want and get out before it gets too complicated, like so many other girls do.

well i cant be one of those girls. i cant have people in my life that i care about and not give them everything that they need. its just that simple, like making promises and keeping them. but when you feel lost, you feel like everything is different. not weird, not bad nor good, just different. how does one cope? well this one goes to visit the people that she knows care about her, that she knows will always be there. those are family and when i feel lost i cope by visiting them.

you take stock, listen to your livestock so to say. you get with people that look in your eyes and know when you are miserable, not just look at the fake smile on your face. so i will pack up my clothes and my computer, some chick flicks and my camera and i will get away for a little while. I will spend time with my family and my adopted family. I will allow my feeling of being lost to come through and actually be real for a little while. whether i cry or i laugh or i just give in. i will find solace in my family and cope while i feel lost.