thinking i was okay and instead i am on the floor in a million pieces

how come something so simple, so small can do something so large. i feel like i have been broken into a million pieces all over again. i finish up my last bit of german with a new friend through chat. hippity hop down the stairs to cook a meal that i have been craving for the last couple of weeks.

i begin pulling the veggies out of the fridge. over to the pantry for the pasta and the sauce. back to the counter to cut up the chicken and as i look the mail is here. cool, i grab it and begin looking through it and there it is. a note from disney, not for me but i dont care, i rip them in two. i am pissed.

i kicked her out after what she did, thought about so many horrible things to do to her. this person that said she was my friend all the while seducing my husband while i was gone. giving him kisses in the doorways when i wasnt looking and lying to me at each breath that escaped her lips. and yet she still lingers here in the mail that didnt get forwarded and the nonreturnable presents that sit in doorways and jewelry boxes.

i tried to rid her from this house and still she is here. still her name pops up and i hear her fucking voice. it was one thing to have a cheating husband, we had a deal when it came to sex, we could go outside the doors of our home, this safety and have a little freakishness. that was fine, not originally what i wanted but i gave in because i loved him, i gave in because i didnt think it would affect me.

we had rules, when it came to the house, that was our safety. no one but each other. no one but our love and our caring for each other. but then the lies destroyed all of that. i trusted him to be faithful and miss me. i sacrificed sleeping next to him each night because the money was what he wanted. but then every friday when i got home, not even a true hello. not even a meet at the door with a hug and a kiss. not even a help me with the luggage and snuggle into bed with me.

i knew last year that he was distant. i knew how much i missed him each sunday i left to go back to la and what would probably happen each friday when i got home. i tried to talk to him but nothing. i tried to tell him what i needed, but nothing. i knew down deep that something was going on, but i didnt want to believe that. you dont make a commitment to someone and then drop it without telling the other person. you dont take someone else in your heart without releasing the one that you are bound to.

my trust for anyone and everyone should be shattered but then i would never love again, i would never care again, and i would turn into a lifeless droughted rose. full of thorns and wilted stinky petals. no interest to anyone or anything. my emotions are not like stereotype placed on the masses. i care independently, i trust independently and i love independently.

i look at the two torn pieces of paper in my hand, i could throw them away without anyone knowing. i could but i dont, i place them on his desk and then send him a text, actually two. texts that are not returned, probably because he knows he is wrong. i tell him i am pissed. i tell him that he is an asshole for allowing this to happen and make me feel like shit all over again. normally he replies and attacks, but no reply means what.... what? nothing, it means nothing. he means nothing. i wasted tears and pain and heartbreak on scum. on someone that wasnt worth my tears. i wasted years of my life on someone that was never going to give me what i wanted but always expected me to give him what he wanted. how is that a relationship..... how, well it isnt, its slavery and i paid him to be his slave.

i try to pull myself together but the tears come all over again. first lightly like fog and then downpours. i almost fall to the ground but the counter catches my arms. i also break into all of it and think about lighting his room ablaze or throwing his computer in the trash. what i realize is that i cant have him here anymore. i cant have him near me if i am going to heal. if i am going to love again, i have to not let these emotions happen again. i need to get away from him, from her, from this house.

i finish dinner and put mine in the fridge. too frustrated to eat, too sick to smell the wonder of the food that i created. i will eat it tomorrow when my stomach stops churning and my taste buds regain the ability to produce flavor and when i want to think. tonight i just wanted to escape, he isnt even here and i wanted to escape. bastard, to allow this to happen to me all over again. i was doing so well, but then it hurts all over again, this time not in my heart but in my head.

i remove myself from the room, from the hurt and return upstairs. this time with no spring in my step. i sit at my computer and continue some polite banter with few, some frustrations with others. i sit here and decide to look at a couple of pictures. my eyes resting on his blue eyes and his bright smile. i take a deep breath and look again, the dimple, the hat, the simple man with so many layers.

he doesnt understand yet how weak i really am and how i run because i dont want to get hurt. how i am not sure what i want right now and how fun is really all i can take. i want to see him often. i wanted to see all of them often and when they were too busy i moved to another one. i need what i need and i miss just being with someone. i miss the cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. i miss having their scent near me. looking into their eyes and having them look back at me. i just want simple, i want truth and i want trust, but like him i am not sure if i am willing to give that quiet yet. it is not an ocean, it is a raindrop right now. not sure where to go and what to do. my feet wanting to run away.

i send an email to my aunt and my mom, perhaps a couple of weeks to get away from him. pack up my fabric and my machine, my cats and my camera, my laptop and my sanity and run away. i have places to stay all over the state. i could travel the twelve hours to visit mom, the six to get to my aunt and the four to visit grandma. i need to hear what these brilliant woman think that i should do. i feel lost, i feel tired, i feel miserable, i feel like a loser and worse broken into a million pieces.