sitting in the middle of myself

so right now i am sitting in the middle of myself. do you have one of those days. those are the days were you feel as if you arent a true part of yourself. as if your body and its limbs are doing their own thing and you are just the commander of a ship that has no known direction. well that is where is i am today. thank goodness for friends, ones that get you out of the house and to a movie.

i have direction in my life. i have wants and i have redefined dreams, but then things are still technically in the air. i hate technicalities, all they do is put the indian and the rainbow in my brain each and every time. problem is that i dont have the guide to know when the channel is planning on coming back on.

i have these great people in my life. some that seemed to come out of thin air and are complicating a plan, others that manifested the same way but seem to, well it seems like they are supposed to be here, in my life, right at this moment, right now. in march of this year, but beware the ides of march, literally right around the corner.

i am a weirdo, no better way to explain me. a little girl playing dress up, stealing mommys make-up and high heeled shoes, mixed with a vixen and formerly reformed bad girl that still knows how to give a boy the eye that makes him the only one in the room. problem is that really when youre the only one in my room you ARE THE ONLY ONE. simple and complex, well that is definately the typical girl. overcomplicating the simple man and ladies - they are simple.

men are simple, people play games and when we were younger it was fun to get down the path first, stepping over all others and moving faster and with more money to the end. the problem is that life isnt like the game of life, it is more like monopoly. you go around and around, losing money gaining property, gaining money losing property until you get so tired that you give up. simple right, nope nope NOPE complicated.

having someone sit across from you as a mirror is interesting, humiliating, daunting and exciting. i actually like seeing myself through someone elses eyes, especially when they are like me. tony and i are alike, actually scarily so. tony and i are both Sags, he pronounces sages, just to get my goat, i think, as well as we are libra decedents. we get along so well that it is scary and he is probably one of my best friends because we can truly call each other on things. so tony what do you see? i love tony because like i, he loves truth, hates bullshit and is ready to move forward. he is very much like the older brother that i never wanted, but got at a perfect time in my life. he knows more than anyone else and it is because i trust him and know he actually cares about me.

what do i do now? where do i go? what is the next step? i wants jacks compass... but then it wouldnt be working, another gizmo to complicate the machine and send it down the right, no wrong, no some path. well we will see. i have a perplexion, that will be his nickname for now. this perplexion is intriguing and we will see what happens. i like having a clue but right now there is no clue, no breadcrumbs and arms length....

i give up for today, i will go to the movies tonight, pack for my weekend and take a bath, perhaps things will be clearer tomorrow...... perhaps?