the other night i was wrapped in my lovers arms. quietly starring at his ceiling and thinking about the what, when, where, how and why of our first encounters. his breath in my neck, his scent covering every inch of me.
was i trapped? i could have easily moved his arms and escaped the situation. did i want to? did i like where i was at or was i again scared? there have been so many times that i have been in a similar situation and when my car was within walking distance. easy enough to grab the clothes all over the floor and slip out the door away from the whole thing. in the dark night driving the however many miles back to safety. back to my safety. this time i stayed, this time... next time who knows?
talk about complicated... talk about trying to figure things out without getting emotionally involved. like any true Sag, i am one that likes, no loves, no lusts for my freedom. i have been trapped and without the power in my hands, in my control. well we have a situation like a wolf caught in a trap. do i allow the hunter to shoot me between the eyes and take my dead carcass inside to do with as he pleases, eating me or stuffing me and placing me as a trophy on his wall. or do i chew through my arm and get away, damaged but on my own terms. allowed to frolic in the fields another day, week, month, year longer.
it is weird what each of us consider a trap. what each of us decides to do once we are caught in the situation. it is different for each of us. some of us fully accepting capture and willing to lay tame at a master's feet. some of us chewing through limbs so that we can live to play another day. and why of all the things that i equate the situation, i liken it to a trapped animal. for me, it must just be that intense.
i am a free spirit like a wolf, coming around people just enough to snarl and then lick my wounds heading off again into the woods. perhaps i come back to visit others because i am so severely wounded that i need the help of a kind soul to patch me back up. perhaps i was trapped for too long in something that i had no control over. there are so many unanswered questions and that is for another day, another blog. right? RIGHT!!
in any relationship there is the intense and the less than intense. i am definitely intense, you ask me anything and i will tell you. there are no bars to my brain, i just can't help it. i don't want them there, i have never wanted them there. but then there are others that just shake their head at me and want me to act a particular way, be a particular person and follow their rules. well f*ck their rules, i make my own!!!
it is my opinion that each one of us has broken a mold, broken out of something that has weakened us enough that we are allowed to again build ourselves strong again. however you do it, whether alone or shrouded in helpful words from friends, it is all the same, it is a strengthening. some of us get a little too strong for those around us and then it is time to move on and bring others into our life that match our strength allowing us to move ever forward. moving backwards has always been foreign to me, i may be off on a path to either side of me but never backwards.
i have priorities, i have wants, my dreams are my dreams and i work a little each day to hope at their accomplishment ever being bombarded by new thoughts and ideas. needing help from good girlfriends like ms. c, you know who you are love.
today is a different day as i lie in his arms. he came into my life in an odd way. his personality and zest for life seeming to be a drug that i cant get a fix on. not sure what the next step is and praying that i dont step on my own toes or worse his. i listen to his breath, i think. i ponder the next move, what should i do? i am totally questioning more things than i usually do, getting in my own way and not wanting to slow down.
this ride is different, it has been a long time since i felt like i was on space mountain in a relationship. ready for the ride, the rush the thrill the intensity but then also not knowing where the turns in the track are and if i am ready for a ride like that. i am in line, that is for sure, my foot tapping at the wait time. unsure if i go back to the ride that i have been on, the one that the track has lite and i know the outcome.
one is simple and one is complex. one is in light and one is in darkness.
i think i am sick of what i can see. i think i need to allow each foot to be steady and walk in front of the other in this new darkness, feeling for a moment then placing with a firm leg onto the surface. i think for once i don't need to know which way the track is going to turn. even though i am scared... i am.
i admit that i am scared, i admit that this is very very very unknown for me. i admit that the adrenaline is addicting, more addicting that anything or anyone has been in a long time. perhaps its because this ride is different, its not space mountain at all. it is a totally new ride, it may have been space mountain years ago but after some major construction is a better version with faster turns and better effects. this ride is different but i am still expecting the old space mountain.
the line moves forward and now it is the next day. the day that i awake, pack myself up, a little worse for the wear, but still alive, still ready. i put on my shoes and walk to my car as we say goodbye. the feeling that i have is weird just weird. i get in my car and my legs give out on me. totally, they are useless. i feel like a cripple, totally out of control. yesterday i was in control and then i lost it. i know why i lost it, i should have said no. i should have been the smart one and known my limits. i wasnt and i failed, feeling stupid and then the night starring at the ceiling.
the whole thing is too much, i think..... yes/no..... too much?!? i cant get the adrenaline out of my system. he gave me too much and now it courses. with every beat of my heart my body feels more alive not less. maybe i am sick. maybe i am a junkie. maybe i just need to stop cold turkey and let him make the next move. very rarely can i wait that long, very rarely can i give that control up. i contact him on my terms and with my wit being totally explained to myself in my own mind......
nope, still confused, still perplexed, still weirded out by the entire evening. the entire situation and my lack of control. i admit i wanted to jump him the second i saw him. i wanted to run my hands all over his skin and have him say dirty things to me, but control darling girl. control is the name of the game but never my game. no one has ever taught me any damn rules. so there is a game with me but dont think that it is ever the same. i protect myself by being ridiculous, being flirty and sexual, then trying to use a little psychology to my advantage......
the problem is with this one, he is smarter than i. way smarter than i, and i definitely admit that, actually proudly admit that and therefore the problem with my new addiction. in a short amount of time i have become completely addicted to him, totally and utterly, wanting way more than i can say… it is the toe thing again. i wont let someone else have that type of control again.... never....
plus there is the situation of my life still being a little bit in disarray. a little bit still stuck in my past - pissed at my last life, pissed at the f*cked up situation that it has currently left me in. no money, no love, feeling horrible… but thankfully nowhere near suicide, not even thinking about that horrible subject again. it surprised me that i even allowed it to grace my thoughts in that total moment of weakness and thankful that i had a good friend like alicia to talk me back from the edge of that cliff. i have blogged about it before and perhaps i will truly put into the words the event of that day that lead me to the edge of my metaphorical cliff and almost pushed me over.
this situation is different. there is a light in my heart that i haven’t felt in months and it is not the light of love for another, it is a glimmer than my heart is actually there again. that instead of the vacation that it had taken away from my body and far far way from my mind, there it sits. proudly back in my chest where it belongs beating again, listening to tunes or watching movies and smiling. it is…it is smiling again, wow what a shock. i thought it would take longer, i thought it would never truly come back, i thought it had taken the last life vest and dingy and completely abandoned ship. which oddly i was okay with, i wasn’t sure if i ever truly wanted it to beat again.....
over the months i have filled my life with new people, each of them teaching me something, teaching or telling me that i am so worth what i want from life. the last one didn’t say anything like that, but my heart noticed none the less and returned to its position. yet one more person that has helped me realize that there is so much more to life than the boring day to day life itself. so much more to everything and everyone than we might have remembered or placed on their shoulders....
my knees were weak all day, my heart beat still strong and last night, some days later, i awoke. it was as if from a coma, a coma i had placed myself in and wasn’t ready to yet remove myself from until last night. until last night i was dead inside and when i awoke it was as if he was by my bedside. neither of us knowing exactly why but him being there non the less.
i, still scared, unsure of my footing and not sure what tomorrow will bring. what i have realized is that i do look forward to tomorrow, i look forward to what is supposed to grace my life, what success, what people and what love will knock on my door and allow my heart to truly skip, hop and dance around my chest....
i have had two loves in my life, i have had two that have broken me up and made me cry but i am still willing to try, i still want to live and love and grow and be taught and learn and make mistakes. i will never be too old to make mistakes, perhaps this is a mistake, but it will never be a regret.
i cant tell you where to go because with this journey i am unsure myself but it is time to take off my shoes and wade into the water in front of me. perhaps i will be grabbed by a more steady hand to walk along side for awhile and perhaps i will fall in the ocean again, regardless the journey will be good, it will be fun and i am looking forward to it. that is as long as i can get out of my own way long enough to enjoy it. all i can hope is that i try that, i try getting out of my own way, trusting someone else for a moment, letting loose and living for once without worry but still scared....
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