it is all so refreshing

i sat in bed last night with my brain so full of thoughts that i thought it was going to burst... i thought i was never going to get to sleep... i thought i was going to be up all night... and the reason was not because i was unhappy or sad but quite the opposite. things have beginning to look up in my life.

no more than a couple of months ago, i slept all day. i couldnt move more than grabbing the remote and turning on the days blather of crap to entertain me and spread noise into this overly empty house. the cats didnt move much either. they lay by my side as if i was in a coma or on my last days of my life. i didnt shower, yeah i know GROSS. i didnt do much of anything. i thought my life was over. the emotions that flooded my head on a daily basis were harsh, very harsh. but those that have gone through what i have gone through will understand and those that have been on the giving end doent deserve the people that they put it through.

that is what i have come to a realization about. i am happy being me. i am happy with my flaws and my attributes. i am happy with the fact that my life is what it is and no one elses. yeah there are things that i could change. yes there are things that could be better. each of us could change, but we wouldnt be us, we wouldnt be true and we wouldnt be happy and so i accept myself. i accept me and i have realized that i love me.

in the last couple of days i have caught myself watching the movie penelope with christina ricci. it is a very interesting movie. it is about accepting yourself on your own terms. it is about looking past the exterior and finding what makes you you, what makes you different and what makes you special.

none of this really happens when we are young. we grow as children, being taught by our parents their rules and societies rules. what to follow, what to do and what not to do. each step perplexed by the process of life and its day to day nuances.

when we hit our teens our bodies begin to change on us, this normally freaks all of us out. girls grow boobs and hips, boys voices change. all of it some how more ackward then the years before, because we arent learning we are just changing. then another set of rules about these new bodies that we have... boys being told to divide and conquer... girls being told to protect ever inch of our forts. each of us deciding when to let the enemy in and at which step to retreat in the battle of first love.

then onto college and back to learning. some of us with a direction in our heads and some of us wanting to live life, smelling each rose. some of us still working on that first love phase or even worse stuck in the previous stage because we still dont feel like ourselves. regardless we are always working in three stages - who we are, who we want and what we want. there are no definite stages of growth like the baby stages, no direction past age eleven to thirteen. at any one moment something that began so great could leave us in the dust dead or worse... on the ground with wounds that will heal but still leave scars.

i had one stage that left me with a huge scar. when i was nineteen i had a good boyfriend, well i thought he was a good boyfriend. what i realized now if that he was a manipulator, he was a mean boy and he was a lair. during this time we had sex, at first approved and then not and at that point i got pregnant. not a pregnancy that i wanted and yet something that has effected me on mothers day even now. i will not tell you what i did, for it is none of your business but the whole thing put me off to men. pushed me off onto a bunch of years where even in a relationship there was not trust for the man on my arm. i did what i wanted and i let each of them go without too much thought. some loved me and some were just for fun... either way each of them were a learning experience.

when i thought i was ready for love i went out gun ho for it. i fell for someone that was not perfect, no where near perfect and not really what i wanted. that is probably why so many years later i blame him for so much. i was so stuck in the ideal of marriage and family, going that next step, etc that i put blinders on myself. i chose someone that hurt me time and time again without even really realizing what it was doing to me. or what in the long run that it did to us.

yes the last couple of months have been hard, but i couldnt be where i am today without them. i couldnt be where i am today without my entire life and all of its ups and downs. all of its great and shitty moments. even with each one being what it is, i regret none of them. i have lived and i have learned. i am stronger from some and much much weaker from others.

the other night i had a party. a little get together that was planned. a little cooking, a little drinking and a lot of laughing. i brought people together that had never met each other and yet the laughter went into the late evening. it was a simple dinner, a simple concept and yet some of the most fun i have had in a long time. even my friend laughed when he told me that he couldnt keep his eyes off me. that i looked more like the person he knew me to be so many years ago and i agreed.

i was happy, it was so simple, i was happy. the road wasnt as long as i thought it was going to be to get back to this place. it didnt take years - it took being unemployed and having enough time to think things out... the hours were long and if i had something else to take up my time, well it probably would have taken years... yeah it definitely would have taken years. but now i am happy.

there have been people over the last couple of months. new friends and old. new love interests and old. each one of them getting a little fresher version of me and i say fresher because i have been stale for so long, like second day old bread. just doing the day to day because i had to not because i wanted to. being told that i needed to do better by making more money, but not really seeing any benefit from any of it. money was never a priority, my priority.

i have looked at each of my friends and taking from them what i needed. i have looked at each of my lovers and taking from them what i needed. i am now happy. i am not determined to find my true life, my next love and develop life into what i want, not what i need. today is simple, i will go and make each thing for me. each moment is mine to fulfill and live to the fullest. each moment is for smiling and laughing. each moment is for life and love. each moment is for me and i will not let one moment pass.

today i will give myself a nice little oasis so that i dont get away from life but i sit in its sunshine. i will sit in its sunshine and drink of its new opportunities. this life is for me and even with its downfalls i will learn, but never regret. now all i have to do is make it though this week and perhaps i will get that kiss, you know who you are.