so i had a name pop into my head the other day. a name that i havent said in years, thought about per say but havent verbally said. the reason for this is that the name was of a person from the past, not the recent past but back in high school.
high school being what it was, a bunch of kids rebelling from anything and getting into trouble any way that they knew how to. although it was rather safe trouble in the neck of the woods that i grew up in. simple, dull fresno with its dwindling fig orchards which deemed to an agricultural background, now a wasteland of shopping malls and people still wondering if and when they were going to leave. people here tend to get stuck.... just stuck. they leave for a while and then they return, a little worse for wear but ready to embrace mediocrity... ah sweet dumb and blind mediocrity.
what was worse was my high school. well i hated high school, not because i got picked on, not because of any real reason. i had boyfriends and girlfriends. i had fun and caused a good deal of trouble, well as much as one can that gets minor duckets in lunch money. it was just the stuck-upness of the people at my high school. i think more so because my high school felt like the 1950s, segregated as much as a school in the 1990s could be. worse than the clovis school since they didnt move around kids from 'disadvantaged' areas in clovis....
the kids that belonged at my high school well those kids had money and to them it might as well been monopoly money as they seemed to spend it that way.... the kids that had money ran the school and took the priveledged spot in front of the gym to park their brand new cars and sport their brand new clothes.... scary what i remember most was a blue, scratch that bright sonic blue bmw and a bunch of guess jeans....
that left the rest of us with our old cars, if we were lucky enough to get a car, or those being bused from the poorer neighborhoods so that we could all mingle as one happy family in the psycosis which is high school. what the mingling did was make us even more segregated than anywhere else and one of my main reason for wanting to run screaming from the whole town. it just seemed like a dreamland which i interpreted more as a nightmare than anything happy. i remember having dreams about semi-automatic shotguns and a quad full of yuppy preppy assholes and lots of shiny oozing blood.... yeah well i know it was warped but it put a nice little smile on my face in the afternoon as i walked through the quad from lunch to german class.
i tended to relate with the kids with little funds. my mother married my stepfather and in her words 'she married up'. my stepdad ran his own sucessful business and made great money for running around a job-site in custom osterich boots, a cashmere/mohair camel colored jacket and a cowboy hard-hat. we lived in a decent sized house with a pool in the backyard and the marge carson couches in the living room. my parents drove nice cars and we ate good food, but when my brother or i wanted money it was all about the slave labor. washing and waxing my step fathers gargantuin truck was a $30 payyday if we were lucky so to get enough money to go out. i was better wearing a short skirt and standing by the street with a sign... no not for prostituion - goodness i was a virgin till i was 17 1/2.
high school was just high school, it was times of making sure that your underwear wasnt showing when you walked out of the bathroom and that your lipstick wasnt coming off after a quick kiss with a boyfriend while walking down the hall. it was about getting caught in the newest rumor as long as it boosted your popularity rating and smiling.... that is what it was really about - smiling and laughing and having fun....
well that is what has been happening with this blast from the past. a boy that i had a little adventure with once upon a time, got annoyed with and walked away from.... not that anything would have ever happened, different stereotypes - different clicks - different lots in life.
so the other day i found him on that other more high school related website, i will let each of you guess until your faces are blue as 'i will never tell' and i poked him. poking is funny, too funny but it is what it is, poke poke poke baby. a lot of silly memories that i remembered but who knows if he would. i had the same thing with someone else and no memories, so why get my hopes up with this one.... poke poke poke, like a newer less creepy version of edgar allen. we will see what he does?? if he pokes back we send a note, if not - no harm no faul 'huh my little turtle dove'.
well he poked back, so i wrote on his wall and shortly he returned the scribble... quite interstingly i thought. do we play with the mouse or do we be the mouse and hide... well i have never been the one for being a mouse so the kat played back. and since then it has been an interesting ride. a ride that if the line was long i would have walked right past and never worried about looking back - kay sara sara - whatever will be will be. but NOW the poke has turned to scribbles which has turned to messages which somehow transformed to texts and an actual conversation in the span of a day or two.
its just weird, weird weird WEIRD i tell you and i am thinking that i could use sherlock and watson to help with some skills of deduction on how this might end up. the boy is different - he is a man and an educated man at that. i have gotten all my knowledge by climbing fences and listening to the wind. i have watched the masters and like a good little apprentice learned their skills. i have been taught by the stars and the moon which has allowed me to play with the big dogs when i dont get stumbled on my own words..... he isnt a boy, he isnt the boy that i got annoyed with and decided that we were too different to care.....
he is so different that my face wrenches into new positions with one eyebrow raised a little higher than the other and a grin that could out do the grinch on christmas eve... it is a thoughtful evil that comes into my head, a wrenching that i feel like i am playing my own game of tug of war.
'they all lie' pops into my head, thanks dave, i appreciate that one. that is not how my game of life is played, the card says i win a $1000 then i win a $1000 always forgetting the fine print discussing taxes since everyone and their mother wants my share... well getting back on topic, i think this may just be easier to take this at face value. he seems like he is willing to answer the questions that i may be willing to ask, so we will take it one day at a time and move forward, not side-ways, never backwards, just forward............
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