stop thinking like a such girl

how come we, as women, over think everything. it could be the simplest of situations and yet, we are constantly striving to place more emotions, thoughts and, in the long run, drama into the situation. there are a few of us that think that we have avoided this dilemma, but really we just do it a little less than our friends. somehow thinking that WE dont do it. but when the time comes to make the situation complicated, then we are right in the middle stacking thoughts on thoughts and emotions on emotions. all this does is further cloud the situation and make us frustrated, sick to our stomachs and further removed from the true/real situation.

i placed this blog in the category of 'romance and relationships' just because that is the situation that i am over complicating at this moment. since my ex and i split, i have been back out there. had a couple of disasters, some mild failures, some short moments, some stalkers or freaks and some boys that i wanted to keep.

i am bad, i admit. i go through men like kleenex. it was my mothers mentality. according to her men were adorable and useless. she spouts the same quote to this day but i think a little more like my grandmother in the situation of relationships. however i understand that there are a lot of toads out there and i have no issues kissing lots to find my prince.

its not like i am a slut. i know what i am doing. i know that in the past, i have had a man fall for me and ruin the fun that we were having. mike was one. kevin was another and poor erin, well that boy needs therapy.

the relationship that mike and i had was supposed to be simple. he had previously been engaged and i was supposed to be the rebound. we discussed it, neither of us wanting to get serious because he was still very hurt from the situation. i really liked mike, we had fun together. his roommates loved me, i would come over and cook for all of them. we would go to bars and end up making-out in the corner. we would go dancing and to the movies. i enjoyed having him on my arm and it was simple like that. i took him to meet my parents, which few get to do, but i wasnt worried. i just took him to say 'hey, this is the guy in my life right now and please be happy for me'. my parents loved him. then one night the whole thing fell to shit. absolute shit. it was those words, those three little words that i wasnt ready to hear. he said it and it fucked up our fun. that was it, i was off like a prom dress and out of his life without much thought on my end. finding out months later, that he had fallen for me so severely that his roommates had to take drastic measures. once i found out i felt bad but then what could i do. i was young and worse dumb. mike would have been great, but i just wasnt ready.

looking back, mike was one of the best relationships that i have had. and it is not that i am pining, not anywhere near that. i am just trying to return to the dating mentality that i had with mike. i am trying to find a guy that will be truthful with me, tell me what he wants, what he doesnt and in the short run this makes the whole dating/relationship situation easy. there isnt the thought and emotions that cloud the situation. problem is out of the six guys that i have recently dated, only two have really been honest guys. one of which even i can be honest with, which is mean, but then we dont travel the same track.

the new one is adorable. he just is. his smile makes me smile. his eyes could pierce my soul if i let my walls down. his arms surround me. he is witty and intelligent. he is family oriented, sweet, compassionate and genuine, with the last being the best quality. and that is just from our talks. that is what we did a lot of. i didnt think at first he would be this way. i judged the cover and with the cover being like a players manual to a game all boys play. but his face value, well its different.

as a fashion designer, i judge the cover. i am judged all the time by my cover. it is what society teaches us. the cover is all that matters. dont look at the insides. fuck bret michaels is a prime example and YES i am stuck on all of the rock of loves. the first episode of each is big john looking through the group and removing the fuglies, the fatties and any other undesirables. poor bret, poor poor bret. but i wouldnt have a job in making my covers pretty nor would any of the models if that wasnt what society was all about. but then it all started with louis XIV and those prissy pissy french, but that is for another blog.

when i first meet a guy, i look at the cover. i can tell you within five minutes, if the boy that i am looking at is attractive enough to fuck. i am not talking making love, that comes later and if you dont agree then that is for a totally different blog, totally different. i think all people know and perhaps with this subject my terminology is a little harsh. maybe some of you would prefer the word kiss.

well regardless of the word that you use, you know when you wanna kiss someone. when i find someone that i want to kiss well i get hot, i get flushed, pupils dilate, heart beat increases, skin get dewy. all signs of attraction, all normal signs of attraction, pure instinctual caveman like attraction. yes we are what we are from, regardless we are instinctual creatures. those silly little pheromones that attract us to someone. the eye color or the sweat or whatever attracts you. each of us follow a little bit of both.

well with this one, i am over thinking. i admit it. totally over thinking. i am still fucked up and i am sure that he knows it even though we havent discussed that disaster, the disaster of my last relationship. i am not ready for it. i am sick of airing my dirty laundry and getting those puppy dog eyes from guys. fuck that, its over and proudly i havent shed a tear in weeks. but back to the boy.

i call them all boys until they can prove me wrong. i am just a bitch that way and i wear my crown proudly. why not, i am sure that most new girls get lumped into some boys category too. until we can both prove ourselves to the other. they are all boys because until they can prove themselves, they stay there. boys can turn into men, guys, pigs or dogs... or worse stay boys. i call them pups when they are younger than i. but the boys well that takes a while.

the funny thing is that i havent called this one a pup when i am talking about him. he doesnt seem like a pup even though he is much younger than i. he actually seems like an old soul. much like my brother is and like my great grandmother was. he seems like an old soul and so i am not worried what category he will fall into once i stop thinking so much....

it is still in the back of my mind though. will this boy be the player or be the man? and yet back to the problem with my situation of over-thinking the situation. i dont want to be THAT girl. the freak girl. we know them, shes kind of like a bag lady. her past laid out and organized like the cans in her shopping cart. regardless of what you might think, all of us have been a bag lady. babbling to ourselves about our problems with our cans....

i am trying not to over think the situation. i found myself doing it today. thinking like a girl instead of thinking like me. i just want the truth. tell me what you want from me and then let me look at it, decide if i can handle it and follow it or not and end it. pretty simple in my mind as i realize that as i type this i am shrugging my shoulders.

i like him. i am willing to admit that. it is the combination of his eyes and his genuine quality. a quality i havent seen from a man in a long time. i feel nothing but truth with him, but then in the back of my mind my mother. this time not the kleenex comment, but the play or be played comment. i think my mom was worse. i remember all the dates, more the cars then the actual men. i remember the need for love after my father left us. she found someone better after her first and i guess that is the light that i have. if just i can stop thinking like such a girl.