last night i sit on the couch with a friend that i have known for about 10 years but havent spent as much time with as i should. this friend produced a sadness and a longing for something that i have also not been unfamiliar with lately. the longing is fine and the sadness is fine, but combined the two create a dreary person the like that even hugs and hands cant take away. the mood was solemn for many and even with bouts of laughter and crude jokes the evening was still more filled with solace than i like at my parties.
since october of last year when i felt a portion of my own life came crumbling down upon my head, i have been trying to figure out what i want from life. what type of friends that i need, what kind of relationship would work and what type of person i would like to find and spend the rest of my life with. i am not in any way a temporary person. i like my traditions and keep to them regularly whether alone or in groups. i dont look at something and figure that once it leaves my life i can just replace it. this is with anything, i tend to spend a little extra money on quality and justly i am looking for that in my friends and relationships.
the problem is that i dont think people think that way anymore. by the way that this friend was speaking and overwhelmingly by the way a couple of friends have been talking it seems more people are of the 'buy cheap and throw it away' then find and buy quality. i dont know if it is life that is teaching us to be this way or if it is the people that we fill our lives with that make us frustrated about the worth of the situation.
on friday i spent the evening with another friend that is saying the same thing that i used as a descriptor for myself only a few months ago. this friend feels 'broken'. broken is defined in many ways as 1) reduced to fragments; fragmented, 2) ruptured; torn; fractured, 3) not functioning properly; out of working order, 4) fragmentary or incomplete, 5) infringed or violated, 6) interrupted, disrupted, or disconnected, 7) weakened in strength, spirit, etc., 8) disunited or divided, 9) not smooth; rough or irregular, 10) ruined; bankrupt. take one or all of these and to have a human describe themselves as such is nothing less than sad.
no one should feel broken, especially if another human being has made us feel this way. life is hard enough to go through on a daily basis that when one is miserable, it seems like in one way shape or form, all of us have something or someone making us feel this way. whether a relationship that has long past expired, a job that makes us want to call in more sick days then go in, friends that are not the counsel that a friend should be or family that makes us, even at our current age, feel more like children than the adults we proclaim to be.
my friends that are feeling such loss and feeling broken are also proclaiming to have 'given up' or 'dont think they can go through this again'. why do relationships make us feel so close and so distant at the same time? why do people hold onto things/people that they no longer want? why are we so scared of the truth with someone that we stay even when we feel we are walking into the depths of hell every time that we open the door? there are a lot of reasons.... fear, insecurities, etc. you pick what you want for your situation? find me a truly 100% happy person and i will give you everything that i own.
what worries me more are that these broken people are some of the cream of the crop in so many ways. now i know no one is perfect, we cant be, we werent made that way. regardless of what you believe it is hard to gain perfection in one's life. but to the broken i say make yourself a list, look at your situation and if any negative descriptors come to mind reevaluate, tell those that you love that you do even if the situation isnt ideal, because it may be longer to get to that ideal situation than you realize. life gives us ups and downs for a reason, with me its to trip me in my five inch heels but for other chose your cheesy metaphor. take a chance on the things that you want because all any of us is doing is getting older, perhaps wiser but definitely older and no one wants to looks back at their life with regrets of 'what if' or 'what could have been'.
regardless i wish you all happiness, love, companionship, wealth, health, liberty and happiness and for those that dont have it yet realize that YOU are the only mechanic in your life that can fix your brokenness however small or large it may be. blessed be.
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