actions speak louder than words. it is a phrase that we have all heard if not uttered ourselves. you may have been mad or angry or sad or hurt or happy or whatever, but we have all been there.

well what actions are we talking about the ones that we see or those that we don't. just because we work so hard to interpret the actions we see, doesn't mean the intention was the same to those that we didn't see.

the problem is that when it comes down to it, we base our entire lives on the actions that we see. we even base our lives on the words that we hear. and when it comes down to it, the ones that we don't aren't so important even though they are there. we know they are because others have heard one person say them or do them and have told us. but telephone is still telephone and positive or negative, we still want to see and hear them from that person directly. we want them to have the strength to tell us or the courage to show us. we want them to stand and fight regardless of our words, but if they run away. well then we feel we are to blame because we would have fought, we would have stood and we would have told. we would have tried at least....

case in point - i have been told many time by people that my fashions are beautiful, that they are unique, that i should be proud of myself. but to those that i know are proud of me, i have really never heard the words or seen the actions that manifest that feeling. i have based my opinion of what he thinks on the comments made with pursed lips and sighs of discontent.

when it comes down to it, i think he hates it. i think he thinks its a waste of time. i think he thinks that i will never go anywhere with it. and even though my heart aches for the creation of this life, i feel that maybe i should give it up and remove it from my life because it is yet another frivolous hope.

if we all had people that made such a negative deal out of things such as this, the world would come to a halt. the inventions and forwarding thinking of our society would stop and reverse.

is it hard to look past the negativity to try to make a positive action or word. it is hard for many of us to come out of our own bubble and look around. if you look at life as if you were a caterpillar trying to become a butterfly, when do you think your cocoon would allow you to break free. or when it comes down to it, do we ever break free of the walls that we have wound around ourselves.

as a caterpillar, we survived the elements around us to climb onto a tree branch that would be safe from predators. so that we could wrap ourselves in security and warmth and become who we were destined to become. we lay quietly in that cocoon thinking and planning and dreaming of the next phase. the phase were we would break free and know where we were to fly off to. we are supposed to break free, let our wings dry and fly off to the next phase of our lives. the next step. the next hope. but how come we still feel so lost. some of us continue to hide, we decide that perhaps we are better in the cocoon. or worse yet we break open a little section to see the world but not experience the world.

who is braver in the long run... the caterpillar that says fuck it and remains one - the butterfly that breaks free and flys away - or the one with safety in the cocoon, happy to remain safe. truthfully that is an answer that you must decide for yourself as this is not a 'one size fits all' scenario.

i personally have climbed up onto the tree and found my branch. i wasn't happy just being a caterpillar, i wanted the wings. i wanted to fly, but allas i find myself to not be sure how to break free or if i want to. my cocoon feels bogged down with snow and now my safe and warm situation is changing. for months, if not years it has been soggy and cold. what do i do. what if there is snow all around. can i break free and if i do can i survive. will i wither and die. will my wings ever dry to allow me to fly.

i thought i had perched myself near other caterpillars. some have gone and their cocoons are only shells now. others are having singular parties for one and i can gently hear the music, and yet others like me cry at night. bracing ourselves for the next step but not strong enough to break free.

all i know is that my actions will not speak louder than my words. TODAY my actions will equal my words. they will EQUAL for now on. i will not say one thing and do another. i will not have hurt in my heart and not in my head. i will bring them together and unlike sisters, i will not allow them to bicker any longer.

can you be strong enough to bridge the icy air with me or will you run away again, leaving me alone to try to figure things out and just feel lost in the cold night air.