new quote for the new year

so i am reading this book that my aunt gave me years ago and unfortunately it has just been sitting on the shelf, bind unbroken, collecting dusts. dusts from 6-7 different moves and who knows what else. regardless with the drama going on in my life right now, i totally pulled it down and decided that i would read it this year.

i say year, not because i am a slow reader but because it is kind of like a stewart smalley affirmation book without the cheesy SNL background music. the book is call simple abundance. it is about getting down to the nitty gritty and allowing your life to flourish without all the bullshit. my aunt bought that and the journal for daily thanks just before my marriage in 2002 and I started two days ago in 2009. wow seven years, perhaps it was like a broken mirror, i didn't see it until the bad luck wore off.

either way what you do is read a daily essay in the morning, use throughout the day and then write five short thanks on the lines provided in the journal. simple right, simple abundance is right. and no this is not an infomercial, but if you want the author, let me know.....

so today there was a quote at the bottom of the essay from gertrude stein which has two parts "it is inevitable when one has great need of something, one finds it" she then reminds us "what you need you attract like a lover".

i sat and thought how great the two together were, but then how great the two were seperate. i took the first to mean that if we clear the mess out of our life then we will find the something that is our greatest need. my greatest need right now is understanding - understanding of why he did what he did, understanding of why i did what i did, understanding of the new path in front of me and where the darn lightswitch is since the path is dark, understanding of who i am, who i was and who i want to be.

understanding is something that i think we all are plagued with and probably in the same ways that i mentioned above. it is simple if the right questions can be answered but when the answers can't come from within ourselves or our outside influences then we all feel lost. we feel unloved or unhinged or unmoved. we lose care and with care, i think we further lose our understanding which is where the journey started in the first place.... right?? .... right !!??

the second part was more profound than i could imagine but the reason i added it to this blog was that it hit home. my and mine had lost track from each other, he was upset with me and i with him. we had lost the ability to trully talk to each other and instead we assumed the other knew why we were upset because we had said it so many times that both of us were losing breath. we were miserable with each other and even though we were starting a new chapter with the purchase of our house, we couldn't come together to make it a home. to this day we are both perplexed and have filled our lives with new people that continue to tell us things that make us cry and upset ourselves. but more back to the point of the quote. we have attracted new lovers, maybe not the perfect lovers for us since we are still connected to each other but lovers that make us happy.

when attracting a lover, you attract them at your current emotional state... at your current mood. if you are unsure of what your path has in store for you or are stuck at a fork in the road and unsure what path to take you will attract those type of people. i have bonded very much so with new friends that have or are going through much of the same things that i am. it sucks because somethimes it feels like everyone was invited to the same pitty party and the party sucks.

there is only one that isn't in the same realm as my other friends, he is my new lover and he is simple as the day is long. he removes himself from drama and lives each day to the best that he can do. he doesn't book too much into his life so not to over complicate things because if he couldn't complete them then he would be upset that he didn't keep his own promises. his family is his life, his family comes first. his friends are for relief and fun. he struggles with drama but then everytime he is needed he tends to be there for each one of us. he is only a lover, someone i would like to fill my life with, or at least his philosophy on life. having him around has calmed me down. when i am negative, he helps me switch back to positive mode and it is so simple to him not to be that way. we talk and talk and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. he doesn't look back, he is ever moving forward. he is ever happy and he makes me smile all the time. it is so simple for him to understand and be simple too. when it comes down to it, i feel that the powers that be knew that i needed someone like him and brought him to me.

i have friends right now that are seeing the change, friends that knew me before the drama and see me returning to my former self. they know who i was and loved me for every flaw that i had/have. i did change in my relationship, when he was unhappy i tried to make him happy which drained me. my well was dry at many times and without allowing me a single drop. i removed my mother from my life for very much the same reason, the negativity. the harder i worked the worse it seemed to get. we filled our lives with junk, junk. there was no meaning to anything and when i did try to make myself happy i was called selfish. no way to live ones life in my opionion, no way. in the beginning it was perfect, we had nothing and it was simple. stuff is just stuff to me and even though it is pretty or can fill a room who says its needed.

need and want are two huge things which brings me into todays essay. you want it buy the book.... but it comes down to need versus want. what i need is small, a warm and soft place to sleep, a partner to help me through bad times and boost me in good times, friends that understand the simple loves in life like hotdogs at baseball games, hot cocoa and a warm fireplace when its raining, etc.

my wants are huge, but i think they are more like dreams than wants. i want to start my own fashion company and succeed at selling a line to macys or better. i want to design for starlets. i want a person in my life that smiles when he sees me and that i am the first things he pays attention to when either of us walk through the door. i want to be wanted and needed in return, even when the day has been bad or was too long. i think he is out there, i know he is out there, but then maybe he is a figment. figments are nice, they pop up in dreams which can make one happy too. but then are other cheesier wants that are just wants, i want a new mattress, a new couch, a better kitchen, a backyard - all monetary and stupid. my life will be no better with these things, they are just more things to pack when i move, more junk.

well this chick/bitch/babe/lady/girl/woman is getting rid of the junk. i am using each day to create a simple list that i can complete. i am filling my well again with love and lust and understanding for my life and for the people that make me smile. i am going to move forward, the past is the past and all it does is make me cry more than i want to and more than i care to. happy kelly is coming back and hence the name change on my space from my actual name to my new motto. i will live each day like i am going to disneyland and make my life the happiest place on earth.