so i did it, i made first contact and now i will wait the hours or days until the information is relayed to him directly. what will he think... stalker, friend, missed her too, who the hell is she, can't remember, don't want to remember, maybe i will give her a call...
waiting sucks... he kind of was the one that got away. he is the one that got away. remember about seeing the light through the trees. i hated fresno so much that the second i got an opportunity to get away i did. i took a job in san francisco with my uncle and never looked back. one day i was there and the next day i was gone. to this day i don't know if i remember telling him... i owe him an apology. it shouldn't matter how long ago it was, i owe him that. he was such a good person with a big heart. he was so much more that i deserved at the time. i wasn't ready for what he could give without even thinking about how much he was giving.
over the years, i have thought about him. sometimes he would pop into my dreams, sometimes into my thoughts and sometimes into my day dreams. regardless of where i was or what i thought, he was there. i couldn't escape him. over the years we have kept mutual friends but still no way to get a hold of him directly. i always knew that he was okay and that he was doing well and that he was happy.
i always asked and when someone would say 'i will tell him you said hello', i would just say no no no. don't need to bother him with my hellos, he doesn't even remember me. i never heard from him and that was my sign that he didn't want to know where i was either, right....
the optimist in me says that you always remember the people that you spend a little time with and that you continue to care for. the philosophizer in me says that there is a time and a place for everything. third times the charm, right?
the first time we met was at a football game - the battle of barstow. a friend had a super crush on him and he was a football player for the other team. i still remember the moment, we were in the middle of the field. his team had just creamed our again, another battle won by hoover and lost by bullard. it didn't matter much since our team blew. i did offensive stats for them and they still blew. not like my writing downs plays made them any better or any worse, but i dygress. i still remember amber's body language - flirty and seductive as a 16 year old could be. i just looked him straight in his beautiful blue eyes, stuck out my hand and said hi. i was dating at the time, jack.. oh, jack, but again i dygress. we stood there for a moment, me looking all over the fireld for friends that i knew, amber bludgening him with her charm. then goodbyes and we were off, over the railing and back to the truck. i remember looking over my shoulder at him smiling and i smiled back, a quick wave and then gone.
i would say almost a year later, he was working with my best friend. they worked at a random fast food place outside of her high school, their high school techinically. she was now a senior, so was i and he had graduated if i have my timeline correct. they were bored, i think, looking at each others pictures in wallets, i think. not my story so just a little fuzzy. when she showed him my picture, he said he remembered me and that he wanted my number, again i think. she will have to remind me of the story, but once i was involved it was because of an answering machine message. she called and it was like she had the best news in the world.
'do you remember so and so, well he wants your number, can i give it to him.' him, him who. then i remembered, the boy on the field with the blue eyes. why would he want my number? it was such a random meeting, wasn't it. it had been a long time, had the few comments that i made and my smile really been something to remember. how sweet, how cute, how kismet?
sure give him my number, i would love to go out on a date with him. i had known his name for a long time. it had been in the back of my mind. i heard amber all the time yammering about him, which nothing would happen between them. a school girl crush on a another one that would get away is how amber filled it. i loved amber, once she got word that a crush was not interested she would find another one just as fast. i could probably name off a dozen or more in the two years we were friends, but again dygressing.
so don't ask how many days or hours it was, but he called. i got this cute message on my phone, telling me a little about him and our mutual friend and then giving me the seven digits that would allow us to begin our first moments. i don't really remember that first date, i think it was the typical movie and dinner date. i can't remember the movie or the food. i can remember that he picked me up from work, that we held hands and that his kiss was magical. short lived it was though, not more than a couple of weeks later we spoke about his first love coming back into his life. i understand, i wanted to marry my first love. i wanted to keep him wrapped in safety and have his children, the first one was so simple, so pure and yet so painful. to regain the purity of a first love was something that i could not deny such a good man. so i backed away, i put on the pompoms and said 'go for it'. everyone deserves love, that has always been a philosophy of mine. love love, love kisses and hugs and compassion, love love. how could i stand in the way. i walked away... sad and happy all at the same time.
some months later, i was cleaning my room. those that knew me know that i was never happy with it and that it was an all day endeavor to say the least. i was going through the random scrapes of paper in my telephone table, yes a real old antique of a table, where in the top there was a nice wide drawer to keep random scrapes of paper with peoples phone numbers on them. far replaced today by a cell phone contact list that is gone through every couple of years. and it was there, written in that guy scratch, not even crumpled, but there.
what should i do, should i call. if he is with her, it may be ackward. if he isn't maybe its just weird. regardless i sat on the floor and looked at that scrap of paper for what seemed like a lifetime. finally i realized that there was no reason not to try. be brave, what have you got to lose. so i called and the message i left was weird. unable to erase and rerecord, it went something like 'hi..., i don't know if you remember me, but my name is..., i came across yor number and just figured that i would call and see how you were... don't know if you still have my number but if you want to call me back it is ....'. i quickly hung up and crossed my fingers, he would either call or instantly delete it.
the next day when i got home from school and work, i had just as cryptic a message on my machine. 'hi.... it was funny but i was just thinking about you.... i didn't have your number and didnt have (our mutual friends name) either.... i am glad you called, call me back, please.... oh its ....'. i can tell you that i smiled a smile that i hadn't smiled before and hadn't smiled again in a while. he called. he called. HE CALLED. yeah. yeah. giddy giddy little girl comes out. grasping my hands together over my heart and smiling bigger and bigger as i replayed the message. i called instantly and left another message, this time with a much more chipper voice and the times that he could call me back and actually speak to me.
he was going to state, i was going to city. he worked nights, i worked days. it would be hard but we would figure it out. the second time without any remnant of her in his brain, just me. just smiling, giddy girl me. the dates this time i remember, but there weren't many of them until i ran away. we weren't bf/gf or anything. we enjoyed each other's company. i remember going to his friends house and hanging. i remember hot cocoa and brownies on the hood of his car watching the stars in the middle of nowhere at whatever o'clock in the morning. i remember cuddling on his bed, making out, watching heat, a movie to this day i haven't seen all of.
i did call him right before i left. i told him i was moving. i never talked to him though and i am trully sorry for that. i think that is why i did it. i think that is why i had to try. i think that is why i called five numbers to get a hold of someone that knew him and would relay it. who better than parents. who better to relay a message that a person you talk to all the time.
i heard he is divorced now, it didn't work out. sometimes they don't - you can't beat yourself up about it. you just stand up, dust off the road that just hit you square in the ass and try to walk - hoping that the bruises are just bruises and not full broken bones. and so i sit here waiting.... hoping... and praying... and wishing... wait that is a song, get the song out of my head.
that is why i say third times the charm. the third time is the best. the best things come in threes. etc. three has always been a good number for me. a good number for the day and the way and the means. a good thing. today is a good day because i tried, i was brave, i found someone to relay the message that i wanted to get a hold of him. so now i wait and waiting sucks....
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