so as i sit here with my legs crossed and my little girl cat purring in my lap, i think.... i think about the bravery that it took to do what i did and the outcome that wasn't what i had hoped... nope sorry to tell you all, it wasn't what i had hoped. he was totally different, his voice and his eyes were the same but his attitude and his appearance were different. i look for the person on the inside, not the outside but when the inside person is scared or seems to be playing a game, which they actually admit to playing and not ready for me then the person on the outside comes into consideration. it was a dream, a pipe dream at best and it was nice to see him. the school girl crush is over and i am back in the real world, we will be friends and we will see but i am no longer going to put so much stock in the crush from thirteen years ago.
so i have talked about people changing, but what is worse than people changing is people faking. faking is worse. when you talk to someone that you haven't in awhile and they say things about what they want and what is going on and you put yourself out there and then they hide. they hide behind texts and cryptic phone conversations.
they say they look the same... well i know i look the same, far be it that i got away from my anorexic self that i was in high school. i was one hundred and twenty-eight pounds and a size eight... that body was not the product of exercise or health, it was just a skinny little high school girl that feed herself on grape crush and doritos. that looked at fashion magazines wishing for more money and a smaller ass. i was the perfect 36-24-36 and had the girl next door brown eyes and brown hair combo. it seemed to work. i had boyfriends, i have loves and i had betrayal like anyone else.
i know that i am not the same, i have gained weight... i got up to one hundred and fifty-four and a size ten when richard and i got together and his negativity and hurtful tongue over the years made the extra fifty pounds that i gained seem just. yes ladies and gentleman, i, at one point was over two hundred pounds and thank goodness that there wasn't a full length mirror anywhere around so that I could think i was thin, but have a body that i was no longer proud of, and was no longer, in my eyes sexy.
i am proud to say that by changing my diet and only having to cook for one, as i was the commuter single surviving the week in LA, i happily and healthily lost twenty-five pounds. i went for walks in the evening and ate no more than i was hungry for. twenty five pounds is a lot, normally a small child, and i am proud to saw that the weight was just weight, i was healthy per my doctor, just overweight.
when all the drama happened in late october, i unheatlily lost another ten pounds and that was because of not eating and crying and not sleeping for about the span of two weeks will do that to you. it was every night that i would feed myself the sleeping pills to get my brain to stop thinking and give me at least five hours of sleep. when you aren't eating and aren't sleeping you lose weight, not a diet that i would advise to anyone, but here we are at thirty-five pounds of weight loss for 2008.
what i have realized is that regardless of what a person weighs it is not the outside, it is the inside. the person inside will change depending on the extrenal circumstamces. my job was a mental one, i would be exhausted at night when i came home and if it was just me, it was easier to pick up fast food then go home and make myself something to eat. comfort food called to me, all the time. when i was exhausted i wanted to sleep, i wanted to not have to clean the house or cook dinner.
the comments that would come out of the man that i loved stung more than he ever realized. 'wheres my dinner bitch?' - well lets see, who worked all day and who didnt but still i would get up, exhausted and make dinner while he did whatever he wanted to do. 'i didn't marry a fat chick' as i made something that he would eat, talk about a child's appetite with no liking certain things and not wanting to have anything that he had eaten in the last three days. drama drama drama. i now leave this in the past... i leave the anger and the hurt of allowing myself to be treated like this in the past... the horrible thing is that when i would talk to him about any of this, he would say he was kidding.
word to the wise, if you don't mean it - DONT SAY IT. words fucking hurt and will leave deeper bruises and scars than any actual bruise. this is not condoning any type of abuse, physical or verbal but i think i personally would definately take one over the other.
people always seem to laugh at me when it comes to my words. i am sorry, if someone asks how i am doing, i am going to tell them. if my day is shitty, then i will tell you it was shitty. the grocery store clerks just love me. when i ask how someone is, it is because i want to know. in my opinion, everyone deserves to smile. everyone deserves the best that life has to offer. don't get me wrong, it isn't going to fall in your lap, but know that i think you all deserve the best. you all deserve to be happy and healthy. we all deserve to get love if we want love.
i walk around smiling at people, this is not flirting, just smiling. just being happy. karma and all, i feel that a smile will make someone smile back and then perhaps give them just enough ammunition to do something good and perhaps 'pay it forward'. smiles and laughter are free. the best type of free and it takes less muscles to smile than to frown. simple things like helping someone find something in the grocery store. reminding someone that they forgot to close thier gas cap, allowing someone in front of you on the freeway.
kindness is three fold people, remember that the next time you flip someone off on the freeway. it is easier to smile and wave than flip and normally you are the asshole in the situation anyways. smiling nowadays seems to make people wonder. it is not our generations adage to smile and say hello, it was our parents. well i am making it mine, i am smiling. you want one just know that each and everyone is for you when you need it. if you need more than i am all about hugs. great big bear hugs that hurt and that each of us secretly love. all of my friends will always get these, a smile when i see them followed by a big bear hug, i even hug people that i barely know. smiles and hugs all around, that is the new philosophy of getting yourself to a happy place and everyone deserves a happy place. where is yours? can't find it, come share mine.
i love you all and am here for you if you need me. :)
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