i am not mad anymore

it is a rather odd feeling when you explain your current situation to a old/new friend and realize that you have no anger towards the situation anymore. everyone that is my friend knows what is going on in my life right now. it sucks, there is no other way to define it. but what i have realized that defining it - does not allow it to define me.

i have been looking for work, reading a daily journal of simple abundance and reorganizing myself. i have added facebook to my daily grind to find old friends and in hearing from people that actually at one time liked me.... well i have allowed myself to turn a corner. and boy what a large corner it was.

at the end of last year i was hard pressed to want to continue another day. i did, i thought about it. the only thing that stopped me was the letter(s) than i had to write to my family and loved ones explaining why i did it. when you try to write that letter(s), you come to a very dark place in your heart and in your head. what i realized was that i was beating myself up so hard because i thought i was the one that made the situation happen.

what i realized today and actually said, out loud and to another living breathing human being, was this...'if a cigarette smoker blames the machine for selling the smoker the cigarettes that they happily pulled from the container, stuck in their happy faced and smoked, was it the machines fault?' (you are welcome to replace the machine with a convenience store clerk, it makes no matter in this metaphor, my metaphor....)

but what i have realized is that it isn't my fault. my brother was a huge inspiration with his words of wisdom which amplified this so well.... and i appreciate... but you need to understand that until i could say it and believe it, truly believe it, i wasn't going to let it sink in and move forward with it. it isn't my fault... IT ISN'T MY FAULT.

we have those people in our lives... we all do... the ones that say that we are the ones to fault all of their unwished dreams, all of their unaccomplished goals and all of their unfulfilled needs. and when it comes down to it, we are the only ones that are responsible for ourselves...

we are not the ones that are holding them back, we are allowing them to hold us back. we constantly worry about what they need, what they want and we put ourselves on a back burner. now certain times they will come to our aid, do something for us, but if you re-evaulate the true situation, taking yourself out of the middle, truly taking yourself out of the middle, you will see. and what you will see will upset you, deflate you, break you up, make you cry, make you scream and basically kill your spirit.

these people are takers and they will take and take and take until we have nothing left to give. and once we reach that point where we want to do something for ourselves, they will make us feel bad. they will make us feel bad because we are givers.

givers will give and give and give to try to make everyone in our life happy. to make everyone smile the smile that we feel everyone should wear everyday. some of us are naturally givers... we are the mothers, the caretakers, the lovers and the best friends. we will be there for you no matter what time of day and no matter the weather situation. think just like the post office... come rain, nor sleet nor snow, we will be there for those we care about.

givers deserve other givers in our life and unfortunately we tend to bring takers into our lives because at first these people are grateful. they tell us the things that they know we want to hear and they tell us the things that will keep us interested... but in the long run they are bad for us... for our souls and for our goals. our dreams and wants are secondary.... we are secondary.

well no longer will i be secondary. no longer will i allow someone to tell me that what i want doesn't matter and what i need is secondary. i will live for me, i will better my situation for me and i will find someone that understands goal and dreams and actual accomplishment of these ideals. i may want the stars, but i will sit on the roof and jump for them all day and night long. i will figure out new legs to jump higher and faster. i will do it.... i can do it... i deserve it.

what all of this ranking and raving comes down to is take a look at your life. at the people that are in your life. are they helpers or hinderers.... keep the helpers - lose the hinderers. praise the givers and leave the takers. have people that clap and stand behind you when you need their strength, not those that walk over the top of you to get what they want from things and people and other relationships.

do better, be better.... you all are. if you realize you are a hinderer you can change, it takes heart. the same with if you are a taker. you can change, don't be stuck in the old rut. be brave, be spontaneous, be responsible and be yourself.

i am not mad anymore. my path has been cleaned and i need to move forward with my dreams, move forward with my wants. i need to stop, take a moment and clean up the mess beside me so that my new shoes don't track any of it foward into my new path, my newly lite path and i need to walk again. not crawl, not stumble, not stammer - which may again happen, but this time i will know what i need to do to fix it. i will know what i need to do to move forward. i will know where to clean off my shoes. i am not mad anymore. i am not mad anymore. I AM NOT MAD ANYMORE. =)

i am happy to know and i will walk again forward to the light of my new fate, my new destiny and my new self.