life can't be simple because i am not

Written Sunday, January 04, 2009 @10:03am

why can't life be simple - i think that line really explains my thinking right now or my want to not be thinking. i am not talking ten or twenty years ago simple or even further back then that, i am talking dark ages simple.

where you got up with the sun and went to bed with the moon. where your family was your life. where a girl was married off when she became a woman. you would have a couple of kids with a man you didn't know. were lucky to live through the plague. and were dead by thirty.

yes i said it, life right now is too complicated. i thought being a grown up would be cool. have a job, buy what you want when you want. go out and so on. it all looked so fun in the movies. it all seemed so simple in the movies. problem is that the lighting is perfect and the make-up never fades and that is not real life.

real life is hard, harder then you think and i have realized that i have fucked up. i just have. to all of my friends i apologize as i haven't been real. if you haven't seen me cry and i do a lot and not just with sappy romantic movies that i prefer to watch alone. i have been fake and phony and a giant smart ass. i have this great new friend that has really woke me up and i now realize that i have been hiding from all of you.

do any of you know where i grew up, how old i was when my father left my mother because he didn't want us anymore or even know that was the reason in the first place. do any of you know that i detest my mother for never showing me how to put on make-up or dress and that the only true attention that i got from her was patting my ass and telling me that i was fat. do you know that i idolized my father so much that i wanted to live with him and that i purposely was a horrible child to my darling step father because i just wanted them all to get sick of me and let me move out, actually kick my ass out. do you know that i have a brother, that he is 2yrs and 11 months to the day younger than me and that there were years that i hated him too because my mother paid so much attention to him that i might as well have been invisible because i felt that way.

looking back being invisible was easy, no one paid attention so it didn't mater what i said or what i did. i was just this lovable idiot. kelly is here and she will make us laugh, throw crackers for the monkey and she will dance. well friends, be warned i am better one on one. you get the real me, the totally damaged, real me.

right now i feel broken. because these are private now i can tell you that my husband richard decided that pussy was more important than marriage and he went literally next door and hooked up with my former roommate courtney. maybe it was because i took a job in la and was 88 miles away from sunday night to friday night and maybe it was because he just didn't like me anymore. truth is i don't think i have liked myself for years. i have lied and told different people different stories because i wanted to hide or reinvent, i am not sure.

i only think jackie knows the real me and she has been the friend that has stuck by this broken person for years. we have known each other since 3rd grade and she introduced herself to me. when i was the new kid at a new school after being moved to a new home with just my mom and brother. she came up to me and asked if i needed a friend. looking back on that i tear up, so simple and so innocent. we have stayed friends even though i know i don't deserve her, i got jealous of her, her wonderful husband and her beautiful children. she pretty much has the white picked fenced house metaphorically that i have always longed for.

i think i want to change. i think i need to show everyone the real me. so if you want to be my friend you need to know, i don't like being the one in front, i am totally comfortable in the middle or last. i have to tell myself that i look nice before i go back because i don't notice people looking at me unless they are right in my eyeline. i don't flirt on a serious level, i fake and i would prefer to kiss and cuddle with someone while starring deep into thier eyes because i can get lost in other people. really i am just the scared little girl that still wants her mother's attention but never really got the positive attention.

i just want to be loved and held and told everything is going to be okay. right now i am seeing a man that the other night, just let me cuddle up on his chest while he stroked my hair. the problem that i have is that when he is here life is simple, i can forget everything else and just be and i love him for that. he tells me i think too much and i do, but i want him here all the time. i have only seen him for the last couple of months since all of this crap transpired and i would love to tomorrow have him move in and calm me down. i know that truthfully i need to fix myself before i am going to be good for anyone else but it is all such a utopia, such euphoria and it will probably end in the blink of an eye.

really i praise praise, i love love and i honor honor. my new years resolution will be a simple one, try to fix me and make me more simple. i will calm down and listen. i will talk when i have something important to say. i will give others time. i will open myself and my heart. and i will never ever again fill out one of those bullshit questionnaires. okay guys, ask me whatever you want, truth upon truth from now on and be warned it may be boring.