moods

to say that i have been in a mood is to say that the earth is moving. now to say what type of mood i have been in is to hold your breath to the bottom of the ocean.

i have no idea what is going on in my life right now and other than sitting at my computer right now getting silly you-tube videos from tony and trying to make rebecca smile after her ex decided today he was going to be an ass, well my mood... somber.

right now i do know that i need to get my ass in gear, but for some reason i can't find the stick shift to move it in that direction. all of you thinking dirty thoughts, well join the club and get a room. believe me i thought it and then realized that there came and went another mood.

and in a IM from tony i get this 'sound of sweet depression in a broken wanting heart' and it hits hard. still trying to figure things out. do i take steps forward and begin again forgetting all the good times and locking up the bad ones. moving onto new people and new loves and new things. new isn't all its cracked up to be, the paint fades just as quickly and it is all just as easy to ding up. the reason is that people in general don't know how to communicate. here's a hint, just because you think it, then speak it doesn't mean that it was understood on the other end.

the old is just as inticing in some ways and just as frustrating in others. i am unsure what the next step is in that direction either. there is a path that is laid, sometimes with cement and other times with stone, the times were the path warps it never really recovered or grew smaller and thinner. other times where the path was strong and sturdy, i could wear any type of shoes and not feel that I was going to fall or hurt myself. but in those other spaces, i had to take off my shoes and go barefoot over thorns and spurs. looking back down the path lately, i am carrying my shoes and when they are cute, that is the last thing that i want to do.

with moving forward there is lots of shit to go through, with going back there is lots of shit to go through. either way i feel like i just want to climb into a hole and wait for spring. but in spring there is hayfever, so what is the point in waiting.

the problem is that when you are in anything such as this and those that know me know what i am talking about and others of you, well ask and i will tell but be warned it isn't pretty. well basically you are not making the decision on your own. you think you are but any decision is effecting another person and after that it is a telephone effect. emotions can't help my mood especially not knowing my mood.

well as i sit here wasted and thinking way to much as mr. anchor says, i must pull my head out of my mood and remember. what know to remember, perhaps more later.......