Here I am, laying on the couch alone, watching a movie that I haven’t seen in years. A movie, that really makes no difference the title or the actors but the scene, that caused me to blubber more than I have in a long, long time. The movie has a scene where the husband is in a coma from a stroke and his wife is sitting and touching his hand. She grabs his hand and places it to her face in a familiar touch that shows her love from him. Even though she moves his hand and smiles because it is possibly the last time.
Recently I realized that I was coming to the end of something. The end of something, that took not a year of my life but ten years of my life. I am now 33 years old and I gave up a decade to someone and walked out of it worse for wear and to a point more broken than I was at 19. At 19 I had someone lie to me and cause my body and mental health serious harm. A person that I totally blocked out what he looked like, what he smelled like and even him name. To a point I don’t remember much about my 19 year old accident but my 24 years old mistake, I will never forget this man.
I realize that he has made me worse for wear because I don’t trust. I mean I trust a bit, I trust that someone isn’t gonna lie to me, but apparently if I answered that way on a personality test that would make me gullible. Well, tell me something that I don’t know. People have always known I was gullible, fuck it, I don’t really care. To a point fool me once, etc., etc., etc… blah blah de blah blah!! I can’t change that, I trust what people say. If I didn’t the negativity would take over my mind and make me like my mother. And while I love my mother I don’t wanna be like her. Queen of the Negative but then when you are the only Sagittarius (Dreamer/Optimist) in the family encompassed by Virgos, Scorpios and Capricorns, well you’re fucked, FUCKED I tell you!
But I try to keep my head up, I always have. My family is my family but my friends are worth more to me, especially my brother. Never knew that I would have someone that I connected with so well. And this isn’t a connection that is bombarded by any of that silly LOVE stuff. That silly LOVE stuff confuses more than anything but regardless is the topic that I will get back to in this blog after I finish this tangent. My brother has no blood connection to me, but the mental connection that we have is freaky. We think alike, we calm each other down, we are each other’s cheerleader when we need and more often than not each other’s shrink. Regardless I will be holding this man’s hand when we are in our last breathes because as his children have adopted me, I consider him blood.
My brother is the reason that my dumb ass is still alive. You may laugh and chuckle but truthfully with the SHIT that I dealt with last year and the year before, I am really surprised that I am here. When I was feeling as down in the dirt as I was there was two people that picked me back up. My brother was physically there, taking me out, inviting me along and making me laugh so hard that my sides hurt for days. I couldn’t thank him enough and will be there for him for the rest of our lives. The other was a sister that I still haven’t met, a woman of great strength and unsurpassed wisdom, an old soul. I miss her and really should give her a call soon for I have slacked on my friend duties with her.
Now back to the main reason for this blog. I sit watching this scene, the last in the movie. Explaining the great love between the man and this woman that he has loved since the moment that he saw her and I began to think. Is love at first site still possible at my age? Not that I am in old age, but I am not young either. My ideals have grown and matured in some ways but have been dwarfed in others. Love is a very foreign thing to me. It has been a while since I asked someone to spend the night and see me in all my *cough cough* natural beauty in the morning. It has been longer since I actually cared to do things for someone that weren’t in a bit selfishly motivated. But truthfully I am just absolutely completely scared of the whole thing.
Not that I need to describe love as anything fanciful. I mean it was so much more that when I was young, ideal to a point. But now with the things I have learned and the things that have learned me, love is well….. I don’t know how to describe it. To a point love is like money, when you have it you don’t fully appreciate it – thinking that it will always be there and when you don’t have it - it’s all you think about. Like a lot of other things I am playing on the love teeter-totter. When I decide to go up and perhaps try to think about a person or a relationship or a maybe situation and then its comes back down and I shake my head at the whole stupid silly fanciful goofy funny LOVE thing.
The teeter-totter sucks! Plain and simple, I don’t like playing the game with others let alone with myself. My mind is in a contact ebb and flow with the funny LOVE stuff. I keep asking questions of myself: Am I ready? Has it been long enough? Will I find another like the last? What do I want from a relationship? When is the right timeline? Is there a timeline? What are the rules? Are there rules? Isn’t it better to be myself or am I supposed to follow the rules? And those are just a few of the questions I am asking myself, worse so are the ones that I think about when I actually am getting to know someone….
When you can’t figure yourself out and then you try to get to know someone else the questions get worse, so so much worse. I don’t even want to go through them but the basics are how one shows themselves off. We all try to portray ourselves in the best light. We tell people what we feel comfortable with. I am not yet divorced, technically haven’t even filed but I am close. Stupid state and county guidelines are the only thing holding me back right now. I explain who I am as who I want to be… height, hair color, eye color, style, likes and dislikes, body shape etc, etc, etc.
You get from the other person what they want to tell you. The problem is when the story doesn’t match up or worse when you see the whole thing like a murder mystery. I think personally it is my conspiracy driven over thinking mind. But then I was lied to for the past decade by more people than I can count on my fingers and my toes. Yup, definitely sucks to be me, but truthfully I am getting over it. Gotta just count your blessings that you have what’s left of your mind and can recoup to a mild version of your former self. Hopefully a better version from the worse version that I was but it’s all a process of time and re-evaluation.
And in the re-evaluation process I realize that I really want someone to protect and be protected by, I want that partner, the one that we can make special little gestures to that only you and he know. The one that comes up behind you and before they touch you, you know its them because of their smell, step and sense. I think I may have found one, but more scared than not I tread lightly. I slowly try to interrupt the signs that he gives me and that I give him but the connection is undeniable.
I admit that I look at each situation with a much more defining eye than when I was younger. When I was younger most of us had little baggage, enough to carry on the plane of love; simple, small and very well organized. Nowadays a decade or so later, we can barely carry our baggage with a car let alone a truck. We size people up and figure out if what they are showing is what we like or not, what we can deal with or not and what we can see in our lives for the short, medium and possibly long haul. Each one of us has certain attractions, certain requirements, certain wants and needs, and certain “hell no” circumstances. We have no time to smell the roses let alone truly get to know someone. We do everything online so much so that if it takes more than a second to load a page we are bitching at our keyboards and computer screens.
Life has become so fast paced that we even meet people online. We can have whole conversations with someone in another country and never meet them but we can’t venture out our front doors to meet someone that we wanna have an actual relationship. I know why I do it, online I have control, mild but still control. I found the newest one online or technically he found me. My worry is his own heart, his own mind and his own readiness. After one year of reconfiguring myself after my break-up with my husband and kicking his dumb ass out of my heart let alone my house. I know that will all of the experiences that I went through last year that I ready to actually focus on finding that one, being ready for that one, or as ready as I can be now. I am ready, the question is “is he”?
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