today was a hard day but my hopes are that tomorrow will be better...

it is hard to find out things after the fact and try to bring them into your present life... today was one of those days... brought on by events over the weekend and right now i feel like i am just kicking around puzzle pieces on the floor instead of studying them to see where they fit. in the past couple of months i had a lot of changes... i moved in with a man i was so in love with and thought so much of the world of i was scared to tell him that. he was going through things and so was i and when we should have been talking to each other we were scared or angry or who knows... to this day, i do love him. as much as it makes me cry at this moment, i felt he was my soulmate from the first kiss but problem after problem and two people broken from past relationships trying to venture down a path they are actually scared to walk and now we are done... did i want it this way? no. did i hope that after a couple of months of his working and being on his own that we could talk and find common ground again? yes. does it hurt any less knowing that we still haven't really had the right talk? no. do i want to try again? i don't know. would i open the door and invite him in to try? always. do i hate crying? yes... it makes me feel stupid and weak. i have always been told that i am strong, i am the string one that tries my hardest to keep the strength up in her life, but even the strong can fall and stumble once in a while. i am not on a pedestal and if anyone ever told me that they couldn't then they are lucky that they have never had to fall. sort falls are much better for me then long falls though. just like a kid climbing a tree, a fall from 4ft won't hurt as much as a fall from 6ft etc, etc, etc... but on the other end it takes more effort to climb to the 6ft and fall then climbing to 4ft so what is better? the long falls that are more crippling but you learn more from or the short falls that keep you climbing? regardless i am at a total crossroads... do i try and give this one more chance or do i focus on myself, become selfish and self focused and try for a life that may lead me to financial success and cougardom. i am sick of feeling lost, i am sick of feeling stupid and all in all i want the morning of 12/14/2011 back again when my sweet boyfriend bought me supermarket store carnations in my favorite color and focused on us.. i want last year back because this year didn't work and i don't know if anything will work... as i sit here and cry i just want things to be okay again and not just for me, for all the people that are hurting right now in my life... do i know what to do? no. do i wish i did? i don't know.... right now i just don't know.